The Complete Guide To Corporate Bullshit

"I'm sorry we can't do that."

Translated:

"We choose not to do that."

Listening

One should always listen with both one's left ear and the right ear.

Question To Alistair Darling

Given the fact that stores are already offering 20% discounts, in an attempt to lure back customers, why to you think a 2.5% reduction in VAT will kick start the economy?

A Question for Hank Paulson

Why was Citigroup worth saving, but Lehman Brothers not?

Recessions

Recessions come and go, much like the seasons.

Governments who try to persuade the electorate that they can spend their way out of a recession are deluding both themselves, and the electorate.

Advice To Myself

When pouring a glass of juice, aim for the glass not the table.

Quiting Whilst You Are Ahead

Kudos to John Sergeant (a shrewd political commentator) who knew when to quit whilst he was still ahead.

Question To Southern Railway

What were you thinking when you only provided four carriages for the 17:49 Brighton to Victoria service on 14 November?

Advice To George Osborne

A falling pound is nothing to fear.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Enjoy your temporary self delusion of bestriding the financial world like a colossus.

Your ten minutes of fame are purely down to the lack of direction and leadership coming for the dying administration in Washington.

Come January 20th 2009 things will change, and you will become a supporting actor once more.

Advice To Those Who Advocate Military Adventures in Afghanistan

Avoid all military ventures in Afghanistan, the people there are content with chaos, disorder, blood and tribal rivalry. However, they hate being ruled by a third party or puppet regime/democracy imposed upon them by a third party.

Advice To First Capital Connect

Instead of making your customers freeze on the platform whilst your staff get ready to start your train, why not open the doors and allow the customers to come into the warmth?

Advice To Mankind

Obama is not president of the world, nor is he the messiah.

Advice To The Tory Party

Stop trying to emulate Nu Labour, people want less government not more.

Advice To Doorstep Callers

Don't smile so inanely, it doesn't help your sales pitch.

Advice To Media Companies

Communicate with your customers first, before you shut off their phone line because of incorrect information and invalid assumptions.

America

The election of Obama and the dignified concession speech from McCain (disregarding the boos from some of the audience) means that America has now reclaimed its honour in the eyes of the world.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"24/7 coverage with a one hour response time"

Advice To Waitresses

No matter how slim and attractive you think that you are, it is unwise to wear a top that is so small that it exposes your midriff when you stretch to serve.

It really is not attractive.

One Year Free Service on Boilers

What is the point of a one year free service guarantee on a boiler, if the service centre does not operate during weekends/holidays and it takes at least three working days to book an engineer?