The Joys of Spring

Oh the joys of the British spring!

Blizzards in the North, gales and torrential rain in the South.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop chasing bumble bees, the swollen paw you suffered from yesterday as a result of your bumble bee chasing was rather expensive to treat.

Advice To The Pope

Apologise and let your priests marry.

Experts

Beware "experts" who are blinded by their own certainty.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Following yesterday's advice re climbing the chimney flue, which you have ignored, please will you at least wipe your paws after you emerge from the flue so that you do not cover our sofa in sooty pawprints.

Thank you.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The flues of our fireplace chimneys are not climbing frames for cats.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Twigs are best left outside of the house, and are not really at their best when placed on the stairs.

Eat Porridge

Start your day with ummph, eat a bowl of porridge.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The hairdryer is not a death ray.

Advice To Self

It is inadvisable to mix Guinness, Bacardi, Mateus Rose and Irish coffees when celebrating St Patrick's night!

Advice To People Considering Joining LA Fitness

Check out the competition first.

Advice To Jacuzzi Users

Avoid jacuzzis that have a "foam" surface of white bubbles.

This is not detergent, soap or foaming agent but is in fact skin scales and body fat.

It means that the jacuzzi is filthy!

Monday Mornings

Monday mornings never become any easier.

Making History

Certain individuals would kid themselves, and others, that they are "making history".

No one "makes history", they are merely part of it.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your plate is for your food, the floor is for your plate; not vice versa!

Advice To Glow Worm Boilers

Stop bombarding me with phone calls, I do not want your boiler insurance.

The Forest of Laws

Over the centuries a forest of laws, designed to protect the rights of the innocent, have been planted in Britain.

Those who would cut these laws down, on the pretext of "imprisoning the devil", would not be able to stand against the wind of dictatorship that would follow this deforestation.

Monday

Whither went the weekend?

Question For British Gas

Re your insane quote for replacing my mum's boiler, are you farking mad?

Question For TV Network Executives

Do you really think that the British public want to be subjected to three debates between Brown, Cameron and Clegg?

Question For British Gas

Why do you need so many different contact numbers?

Advice To Suppliers

Asking the same question each day will only elicit the same response.

Advice To A Well Known High Street Bank

When I warn you that there is a high risk that a fraud may be occurring in one of your customer accounts, you would be well advised to look into it as a matter of urgency.