Advice To Cat Owners

Don't dye your pussies pink, the poor animal will be hugely embarrassed when it socialises with its cat chums.

Apologies To My Cat

I apologise for coughing so loudly yesterday that I woke you up, and caused you to have to go to another room in order to continue with your nap.

Phones

A watched phone never rings.

Financial Reality

Politicians' soundbites and financial reality rarely match.

Advice To Prospective House Buyers

Make sure that you have a survey done first, before you buy the property.

Brandy

Excess brandy can give one a "Richard Burton throat".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The shallots in the veg basket are not cat footballs.

Advice To Z List Celebs

Check your bathrooms (home and hotel) for hidden cameras, in the event you don't find one make sure that you have one to hand.

Wireless Broadband

What is the point of wireless broadband if the farking connection keeps dropping?

Ameliorate

Whenever I read the word "ameliorate" in a report I instantly reach for my sick bag.

Why?

Companies and individuals should, at regular intervals, ask themselves why they do something in a particular way.

It is a most constructive means of self improvement.

Pass The Sick Bag

Whenever I receive an email, offering me an article/product/service, containing the phrase "we are very excited by this..." I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

Question To Homeserve Cold Callers

Which part of the word "no" don't you understand?

Advice To Callers

When leaving a mobile number for me to respond to your messages, make sure that the number actually works!

Advice To Religious Bigots

Where first you burn books, next you will burn people.

Advice To LA Fitness

Stop bombarding my phone and email with offers to rejoin.

You were given a very clear and detailed written explanation as to why I did not renew my membership last year, which bit don't you "get"?

Question For My Cat

Your food bowls are for your food, the floor is for the food bowls to rest on.

Why do you insist on throwing your food, even your biscuits, on the floor?

Zocalo

Full marks to the good citizens of Hanover for organising/participating in yesterday's Zocalo.

It was very enjoyable!

Wireless Broadband

Why does the connection always drop at the most crucial moment?

Navigation

Just as ships needs the stars and GPS (when it works) to navigate by, so do people need others to help/advise them on their life paths.