New Year Resolutions

Avoid all New Year resolutions, they are never kept.

Merry Christmas

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a peaceful and prosperous 2011.

Question For The Liberal Democrats

If you really hate the coalition that much, why are you in it?

Advice To Vince Cable

Declarations of war tend only to be effective if made publicly, rather than "on the sly" to young giggly female reporters posing as constituents.

Advice To Channel 4 News

Don't try to interview people standing by airport runways.

Advice To Alan Sugar

Before selecting the final 16 candidates for The Apprentice "reality" show, check their CVs first.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Given that you are now 3.5kg, please could you refrain from using my stomach as a trampoline at night when I am trying to sleep.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When running frantically up the stairs, at the same time as I am walking up them, please remember that my legs are solid objects that you cannot pass through; you need to divert around my legs in order to get to the top first.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My nose is not a doorbell to be pressed/patted when you are trying to wake me up, or grab my attention, in the morning.

Advice To Southern Rail

It would be really nice if you guys fixed the automatic door of the toilet on the train that I had the misfortune to travel on yesterday, so that it actually closes when people are using it.

Advice To Airlines

Avoid serving curry and fish on the same flight.

Governments

Governments and politicans are the cause, not the solution, of problems.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

What is it with you and the fireplace chimney?

Honestly, there is nothing up there!

Life

Life is like a pair of shoes, it takes a while to "wear it and break it in" before it begins to feel comfortable.

Advice To Litigators

A man cannot pay with his hearse, only with his purse.

Question For The Media

Why on earth are you so surprised that Russia won the right to host the 2018 World Cup?

They were the favourites from the start.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Having successfully chased and killed the flies that you so love to hunt, please could you either eat the corpses or throw them away.

Snow

Why does the UK react with total shock, and grind to a halt every time it snows?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Pussycat!

Did you not read my advice of yesterday, wrt your 3AM morning parade?

This morning's addition to the 3AM routine, of jumping on and off the bed with your toy moose, was really OTT!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

As endearing as the "morning parade" is (where you jump up on the bed, walk up and down purring and pat my nose in the expectation that I will get up and feed you), holding the parade at 3AM this morning was a tad too early.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I know I that I have spoken to you before about this, but there really is nothing up our fireplace chimney that could be of the remotest interest to you.

Honestly!

Rail Upgrades

Promising upgrades in train rolling stock that will not be in situ until 2019 is taking the piss, even by the lousy standards that the long suffering rail traveller has had to endure over the decades.

Question For The Government

Why, if we are already contributing to the IMF (which in turn is partly contributing to the Irish bailout), do we need to offer a separate bilateral loan to Ireland?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please be advised that my nose is not a "servants' bell" to be pushed when you are hungry, most especially when I am asleep in bed.

Question For The Pope

If condoms are now deemed by the church (under certain circumstances) to help reduce the spread of HIV, how is it that they weren't deemed to be of any use before?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wear slippers when running up and down our wooden stairs in the middle of the night.

Advice To Businessmen

Beware those who proffer a "solution" to a business issue that provides the "least grief to everyone".

Invariably those who proffer such a "solution" are only thinking of reducing their "grief".

Advice To BBC Headline Writers

Re "World Delighted at Royal Engagement Announcement", most of the people of the world are blissfully unaware of the announcement and have no idea as to who Prince William and Kate Middleton are.

The Future

The future beckons, so do not remain stuck in the past.

Advice To The British People

Avoid "recreational grief", it is neither becoming nor healthy.

The Measure of a Man

The measure of a man's life can be gauged by the effect that he has on others.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please, during one of your extended purring and biscuit making sessions, could you pause and wipe your mouth before you dribble over me.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wind is not a threat to your health and safety.

Advice To The Manufacturers of Toilets

Please adjust the sensitivity (downwards) of motion detection flush mechanisms.

Mistakes

Those who never make mistakes, never achieve or produce anything.

The Interent

Is it me/my pc/Virgin, or is the internet running really slowly today?

Advice To The Republican Party

Now that you have won the House of Representatives, on the back of popular public discontent with the pace of change, you now have to come up with some policies that actually work.

Simply blocking every piece of legislation put forward by the Democrats, and saying that the deficit and taxes can be reduced at the same time are not policies that are viable or credible.

Agendas

Never allow others to set the agenda.

Advice To Businessmen

Beware doing business with people who, when asked a direct question, seek to lose you in a "wilderness of mirrors" via their answer.

Advice To Businessmen

Beware of doing business with politicians, they invariably "jump ship" at times of crisis in order to avoid being blamed for any problems that have arisen.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you run upstairs at breakneck speed, please do remember that there is a wall at the top of the stairs. I am sure that you constantly running, head first, into that wall cannot be doing you any good at all.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am still trying to enter your photo into the Gourmet cat portrait competition.

However, owing to the fact that the Gourmet site doesn't work properly, I cannot log in to upload your photo.

Gourmet advise me that their technical experts are now looking into it.

I will let you know if they ever fix the problem and I am able to upload your picture.

Advice To Train Companies

Those of you who are thinking of reducing costs, by removing toilets from some of your services, may care to remember that even cattle being transported by rail for slaughter are given straw to shit on.

What Goes Around

Those who revel in inflicting death and destruction on others, one day end up on the receiving end.

Put The Candle Out

There comes a time for those in mourning over the death of a loved one, the break up of a relationship or related life traumas (eg loss of a job) where they need to "put the candle out", before it uses up all the oxygen.

Question For The Government

Why have you increased the overseas aid budget yet, at the same time, cut back on the domestic budget?

Question

When is an aircraft carrier not an aircraft carrier?

Answer: When it has no planes that it can use.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Our house guest has gone back to his own home now, staring at the chair in which he sat won't bring him back.

Advice To Brighton Council

Beware high profile building projects, into which you have "invested political capital", the timescale of which are "very much in the laps of the banks".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am delighted that you enjoy playing with your toy moose that Eva brought you back from Sweden. However, when playing with it at 4am please could you not do so in our bedroom and on our bed.

Advice To Governments and Diplomats

Slamming a door in someone else's face may mean that you are unable to walk through it later.

Wrinkles

Just as a wrinkle in a suit tells more about the wearer than a suit that is perfectly pressed, so do people's character flaws.

Iterative Text

Complete and utter bollocks, I spurn it as I would spurn a rabid dog!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

There really is nothing of interest to you up the chimney...honest!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please don't stare excessively at our guests when they are eating their breakfast, it disconcerts them.

Question For My Cat

Why did you not eat the piece of salmon I poached for you?

Question For The BBC

Why on earth does your "Southern Region" include Oxford and its environs?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your mouth/nose occasionally during periods of protracted purring, in order to lessen the amount of dribble that you deposit on me.

Over Engineering

Over engineered processes are bound to fail.

Advice To Cat Owners

Don't dye your pussies pink, the poor animal will be hugely embarrassed when it socialises with its cat chums.

Apologies To My Cat

I apologise for coughing so loudly yesterday that I woke you up, and caused you to have to go to another room in order to continue with your nap.

Phones

A watched phone never rings.

Financial Reality

Politicians' soundbites and financial reality rarely match.

Advice To Prospective House Buyers

Make sure that you have a survey done first, before you buy the property.

Brandy

Excess brandy can give one a "Richard Burton throat".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The shallots in the veg basket are not cat footballs.

Advice To Z List Celebs

Check your bathrooms (home and hotel) for hidden cameras, in the event you don't find one make sure that you have one to hand.

Wireless Broadband

What is the point of wireless broadband if the farking connection keeps dropping?

Ameliorate

Whenever I read the word "ameliorate" in a report I instantly reach for my sick bag.

Why?

Companies and individuals should, at regular intervals, ask themselves why they do something in a particular way.

It is a most constructive means of self improvement.

Pass The Sick Bag

Whenever I receive an email, offering me an article/product/service, containing the phrase "we are very excited by this..." I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

Question To Homeserve Cold Callers

Which part of the word "no" don't you understand?

Advice To Callers

When leaving a mobile number for me to respond to your messages, make sure that the number actually works!

Advice To Religious Bigots

Where first you burn books, next you will burn people.

Advice To LA Fitness

Stop bombarding my phone and email with offers to rejoin.

You were given a very clear and detailed written explanation as to why I did not renew my membership last year, which bit don't you "get"?

Question For My Cat

Your food bowls are for your food, the floor is for the food bowls to rest on.

Why do you insist on throwing your food, even your biscuits, on the floor?

Zocalo

Full marks to the good citizens of Hanover for organising/participating in yesterday's Zocalo.

It was very enjoyable!

Wireless Broadband

Why does the connection always drop at the most crucial moment?

Navigation

Just as ships needs the stars and GPS (when it works) to navigate by, so do people need others to help/advise them on their life paths.

Sunshine on a Bank Holiday Monday!

Whatever next?

Sunshine on a Bank Holiday Monday!

August Bank Holidays

Why do August bank holiday weekends always start with a downpour?

Changing History

Those who think that they can change history are deluding themselves, individuals are but grains of sand being buffeted by the ocean of history.

The Annoying Beep

Will whoever it is who "owns" the annoying intermittent beep, that has been going on for the last hour outside of my house, please stop it?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Once you have attacked and crippled a fly, at least have the good manners to eat it.

Question For The Met Office

Are you really certain that this is the driest summer since 1914?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When inviting your cat friends round to play/eat in your/our home in the middle of the night, please could you ask him to expel his fur ball outside the house before coming in?

Summer

Has summer now ended??

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please exterminate the wasp that is annoying the hell out of me this morning.

Politicians

Politicians will only address an issue if they are cast into the spotlight, and believe that they will either gain glory or avoid humiliation from addressing the issue.

Advice To Virgin Media II

Seriously guys if I were you I would sort out the connectivity issues wrt my broadband connection pdq, my patience is now at an end.

Back

..and we're back in the room!

Annoying Comment of The Decade

"Gosh, this sauna's hot!"

Advice To Virgin Media

Fix my lousily performing broadband connection asap.

Virgin Broadband

My Virgin broadband connections has been total shit for the last few days, anyone else having this problem?

Question For Failing Hoteliers

Why did you ask for the help of "The Hotel Inspector" when all you then do is to argue with her, and try to pretend that your hotel is well run?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The keyboard of my pc is not the equivalent of a "bead massage" seat for cats.

Advice To MPs

As long as you use bars in the Palace of Westminster that are open all hours and subsidised by the taxpayer, then kindly refrain from lecturing the rest of us about our drinking habits and the dangers of supermarkets selling cheap booze.

Monday's

Monday's have a habit of creeping up on you when they are least welcome.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Moths do not speak "cat", therefore it is a waste of time meowing to them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am pleased that you have heeded my advice re the ironing board not being a threat, and that you now seem to be less afraid of it.

However, maybe you could refrain from using it as a springboard from which to jump onto my stomach when I am reclining near by?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The ironing board is not a predator, nor does it present a clear and present danger to your safety.

Blockades

Blockades lead to war, be very certain that is what you want when you apply them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please do not eat slug pellets.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Dead moths in your mouth are not really suitable for parading with pride in our kitchen.

Living In The Past

Those who wallow in past battles and wars (either in self pity or self congratulations) are condemned never to move forward into the future.

Advice To The US Senate

The Scottish legal system is autonomous from the English one.

Advice To Restaurants

Where you have an online resevration system on your website, for fark's sake use one that actually works!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Helicopters are not prey.

Coincidence

There is ALWAYS such a thing as coincidence!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wind rustling the curtains does not, under normal circumstances, constitute a threat to your safety.

Advice To Sky Call Centre

Given that we have told you that MrX does not live at our address, and that we do not have (nor ever had) a Sky account, kindly stop ringing us and delete our phone number from your records.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When "presenting" fur balls please could you use your tray, or even the garden, rather than our newly cleaned Chinese rug?

Advice To Peter Mandelson

Learn to have a little humility.

Advice To Self

When "cutting and pasting" it is advisable to complete both parts of the operation before going on to "cut" again.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Bringing your friends over is very nice, but do you all have to run up and down all the stairs of our house at 4am?

Funerals

Funerals would be much easier to organise without the input of family and priests.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your paws after trying to climb the chimneys of our fireplaces.

Advice To Hotmail

Get your act together.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Potato salad (with chives and spring onions) is really not to your taste, honest!

Facts

When acting in haste to "prove" your standpoint, always make sure that your "facts" match reality.

Advice To FIFA

When selecting the next England team and manager, opt for those who are paid considerably less than the current "stars". That way they will have the incentive to actually try to play/manage, in order to better their chances of future wealth.

Advice To The Co-op

When running a competition that requires people to look for a code allegedly printed inside a sticky label, ensure that the printing firm that you select to print these labels is up to the job.

Question for Obstructionists

Saying "no" is easy.

When are you going to contribute a creative and helpful idea?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please remember to bring your credit card with you the next time we take you to the vet, otherwise "daddy" will always end up having to pay for you.

Advice To Directors

Read previous board minutes in order to avoid historical inaccuracies.

Advice To Stonehenge Solstice Revellers

Pick up your litter!

Honour

There are some people who regard those who act with "honour" as being weak. This view is erroneous, and will "blow back" on those who hold it.

Moral Fibre

Those who make excuses when the ordure hits the airconditioning, reveal how lacking they are in moral fibre.

Advice To Nat West

Re your new customer charter, it would be wise to practice what you preach before publicising this document so widely.

Farewell The Tripartite System

It will not be missed.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My jumper is not your mum's nipples.

Advice To Barack Obama

When berating BP about causing environmental damage, do not forget that the US military in Iraq has caused massive environmental damage too, from toxic substances in the ordinance used, which is not just poisoning the land but also the people who live in the affected areas.

I could also mention Union Carbide, but that was before your time.

Advice To The Awarders of "Gongs"

Don't reward failure.

Economic Sanctions

Economic (non military) sanctions are the last resort of the powerless and angry.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Moths are no substitute for a healthy balanced diet of Iams and Felix.

Advice To Self Employed Artisans

Sort out your child care arrangements before making bookings with clients.

Advice To Liars and Conmen

When spinning a lie, for heaven's sake remember to make sure that it is consistent and cannot be contradicted by those who you interact with (or who interact with each other).

Advice To Residential Property Boards

Focus on the important issues, do not use your position/role to pursue petty gripes and issues.

How To Spot A Conman

He insists on paying for a large value company order in cash.

Advice To Conmen

Don't try to free ride other companies' publicity by not answering press enquiries asking for confirmation that a story may refer to your organisation.

Beer Barrels

There is something very reassuring hearing the sound of the beer barrels being delivered to our nearby pub every Wednesday morning, even the cat likes to watch from the bedroom window.

Advice To Leaders

Don't start fires in locked rooms.

Advice To HMRC

Get a grip!

Question To The Designers of The Olympics Mascots

Why does one look like a penis, and the other like a knife wielding Sonic The Hedgehog?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Newly varnished floors tend to look nicer without paw prints (a la "Hollywood Walk of Fame").

Advice To Unite

Don't tweet updates of a meeting whist you are still having that meeting.

Question For The Duchess of York

What on earth made you think that a "legitimate businessman" would pay £500K to meet with Prince Andrew?

Markets

Markets are not rational, but operate on three fundamental principles:

- Greed
- Fear
- Momentum

Politicians need to take that onboard before they make pronouncements.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wearing of sunglasses by myself or Eva does not constitute a threat to your safety.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The vacuum cleaner is not a predator.

Memo To Self

Look up the recipe for the most excellent rum based cocktail "dark and stormy".

Question To The BA Management and Union

Once you have destroyed British Airways, do you have secondary jobs to go to?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Bluebottles, even large bluebottles, do not provide you with a healthy source of nutrition; least of all when you choose to bring them on to our bed to feast on.

A New Age

Let us see how long the new age of British politics will last.

Nanny's Back!

Good morning loyal readers!

Doubtless many of you have been wondering where this site went to over the last couple of days, indeed I have received a number of worried emails from some of you expressing concerns about the site's unexpected disappearance from cyberspace.

Well, here we are again, I will now relate to you what happened.

Google's (the owner of Blogger) spam bots claimed that Nanny Knows Best was a spam blog and, believing in the principle of shooting first and asking questions later (instead of the more sensible reverse policy), disabled it and asked me to prove it wasn't spam.

Wouldn't it have been more sensible to ask me first if it was spam, and to say if I don't come back in 3 days or so they will then disable the site?

Having deactivated the site without any warning, I was told by Google that I would have to wait several days for them to reactivate it:

"Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What is a spam blog?) Since you are an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy and we sincerely apologise for this false positive.

We received your unlock request on 09 May 2010. On behalf of the robots, we apologise for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam."

I decided that being asked to wait for such a long period of time was not very satisfactory, given that this site has been going for many years and has a real human following etc. Therefore I enlisted your help and asked (via my other sites) for people to drop Google a note prodding them about this.

Oddly enough, for a leading 21st century web company, Google is rather hard to contact directly via email.

Nonetheless I found a number of access points:

press-uk@google.com

- Phone: +44 (0)20-7031-3000
- Fax: +44 (0)20-7031-3001

I also faxed the CEO (Eric Schmidt) in the USA (+1 650-253-0001) about it. Oddly enough, within an hour or so of faxing, the site reappeared as if by magic.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you who wrote in, and helped restore this site.

It is ironic that NKB was shut down, as it campaigns against censorship etc.

To add further irony to the story, my HMRC site (www.hmrcisshite.com) which is also on Google was also temporarily out of action on Sunday. However, it restored itself within a few hours.

However, what was really odd was that my gmail account (another Google product) was disabled by Google on Sunday. They asked me to email them my mobile phone number in order for them to send me a reactivation code.

Is Google trying to tell me something?

Once again many thanks for your support and help during this period of stupidity by Google.

Nanny Knows Best

Off topic, but I would appreciate help from those of you who also read "Nanny Knows Best".

Google's spam bots claim that Nanny Knows Best is spam and have temporarily disabled it.

I now have to wait several days for them to reactivate it:

"Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What is a spam blog?) Since you are an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy and we sincerely apologise for this false positive.

We received your unlock request on 09 May 2010. On behalf of the robots, we apologise for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam."

If you can find time to drop Google a note prodding them about this, it would be much appreciated.

press-uk@google.com

Phone: +44 (0)20-7031-3000
Fax: +44 (0)20-7031-3001

It is ironic as NKB campaigns against censorship etc, and indeed (oddly enough) my HMRC site was also down yesterday for a few hours plus my Gmail account (which needed me to reactivate it by sending in my mobile phone number for a special code).

Is Google trying to tell me something?

Thanks

Ken

Well Hung

Are we feeling well hung today?

The Election

Whatever the result of today's election, taxes will rise and services will be cut.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My suitcase is for my clothes, it is not a cat basket.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Jump for joy on your own bed please!

Advice To Those in Business

Be wary of those who explicitly ask you to "trust them".

Advice To Self

Don't press the send button on an email, without first checking who you are sending it to.

Idiot!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please do not bring twigs from the garden into our bed.

Touch Screen Mobiles

Total crap!

Advice To Spammers

If you are going to spam my blogs, for fark's sake learn to spell!

Advice To The Pope

Tears are not enough.

Advice To Stranded Brits Abroad

Stop whinging, would you prefer to have your plane's engines stall and crash?

Advice To Self

Avoid the "brandy" called "Fabuloso".

Advice To The Catholic Church

Blaming the Jews and gays for problems of your own creation is "foolish" to say the least.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your paws before jumping on our bed.

Question For My Cat

Do you prefer the red plastic milk bottle ring top, to the blue one to play with?

Advice To The Media

During this "exciting" election you may care to focus on the policies of the parties and candidates themselves, rather than on what the party leaders wives are wearing.

General Election

Another general election looms, be still my beating heart!

Climb The Mountain

It is worthwhile climbing the mountain, in order to feel the wind in your face.

Question For The Catholic Church

Are you insane?

There is no way that some negative press comments can be in any way compared to the abuse and suffering inflicted upon the Jewish people in the past.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My water glass is for me to drink from, your water bowl is for your to drink from.

The Joys of Spring

Oh the joys of the British spring!

Blizzards in the North, gales and torrential rain in the South.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop chasing bumble bees, the swollen paw you suffered from yesterday as a result of your bumble bee chasing was rather expensive to treat.

Advice To The Pope

Apologise and let your priests marry.

Experts

Beware "experts" who are blinded by their own certainty.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Following yesterday's advice re climbing the chimney flue, which you have ignored, please will you at least wipe your paws after you emerge from the flue so that you do not cover our sofa in sooty pawprints.

Thank you.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The flues of our fireplace chimneys are not climbing frames for cats.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Twigs are best left outside of the house, and are not really at their best when placed on the stairs.

Eat Porridge

Start your day with ummph, eat a bowl of porridge.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The hairdryer is not a death ray.

Advice To Self

It is inadvisable to mix Guinness, Bacardi, Mateus Rose and Irish coffees when celebrating St Patrick's night!

Advice To People Considering Joining LA Fitness

Check out the competition first.

Advice To Jacuzzi Users

Avoid jacuzzis that have a "foam" surface of white bubbles.

This is not detergent, soap or foaming agent but is in fact skin scales and body fat.

It means that the jacuzzi is filthy!

Monday Mornings

Monday mornings never become any easier.

Making History

Certain individuals would kid themselves, and others, that they are "making history".

No one "makes history", they are merely part of it.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your plate is for your food, the floor is for your plate; not vice versa!

Advice To Glow Worm Boilers

Stop bombarding me with phone calls, I do not want your boiler insurance.

The Forest of Laws

Over the centuries a forest of laws, designed to protect the rights of the innocent, have been planted in Britain.

Those who would cut these laws down, on the pretext of "imprisoning the devil", would not be able to stand against the wind of dictatorship that would follow this deforestation.

Monday

Whither went the weekend?

Question For British Gas

Re your insane quote for replacing my mum's boiler, are you farking mad?

Question For TV Network Executives

Do you really think that the British public want to be subjected to three debates between Brown, Cameron and Clegg?

Question For British Gas

Why do you need so many different contact numbers?

Advice To Suppliers

Asking the same question each day will only elicit the same response.

Advice To A Well Known High Street Bank

When I warn you that there is a high risk that a fraud may be occurring in one of your customer accounts, you would be well advised to look into it as a matter of urgency.

Low Moods

Low moods are sometimes necessary in order to help you fully appreciate the highs.

Trust

Once the bond of trust has been broken it is very difficult to rebuild.

When Push Comes To Shove

Beware colleagues who are quick to blame others during times of crisis.

Stews

Those who make stews should also consume them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your tail is best chased on the floor, not our bed.

Advice To Politicians

Please leave the country.

Advice To Online Retailers

Update your stock lists to show when a product is out of stock.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Having released the "emotional genie", in readiness for the election, you may find it hard to pout it back in the bottle.

Flying

When falling off a mountain then is as a good a time as any to to try to fly.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The cat flap works both ways, it is not just a door into the house but also a door into the garden.

Advice To Entrepreneurs

Don't become emotional over a failed business.

Joint Ventures

Joint ventures fail when the parties involved don't work together for the good of the company.

Self Delusion

Self delusion is not the same as self sufficiency.

Advice To Those In Ascendancy

Beware those with political and personal ambitions riding on your coattails.

Advice To Toyota Owners

Check that your brakes wrok.

Advice To Religious Zealots

Don't try to abduct other people's children, on the pretext of "saving them".

Advice To Gordon Brown

Don't go round assaulting members of your staff, it's bad for morale.

Fanaticism

Fanaticism occurs in "democracies", not just dictatorships

Death

Death is not to be feared, it's life that is scary.

Lies

People lie out of common sense.

Advice To Gordon Brown

A preliminary estimate of 0.1% "growth" does not a recovery make!

Letting Go of The Past

Beware clinging onto the past and reproaching yourself for past errors/mistakes. The chain of self reproach and guilt that you forge, link by link, will hold you back from achieving all that you are capable of achieving.

Making Enemies

It is advisable to only make enemies of the dead, living enemies may one day be in a position to harm you.

Pleasure

Pleasure is not the same as happiness.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please eat your Iams this morning, we promise to restock your supplies of Felix later today!

Leaders

Beware leaders who rush to war without any doubts, they will lead themselves and their people to destruction.

Vengeance

Victors who stay the hand of vengeance, in order to deliver justice, win the peace.

Power

It is better to go mad with power, rather than mad without power. Those with power tend to be listed to more than those without power.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

We appreciate you acting as a "natural" alarm clock. However, please be advised that we tend not to get up at 4:00AM.

Snow

I miss the snow:)

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Headbutting a closed door will not open it.

Christmas Decorations

Why is it that no matter how carefully you think that you have denuded the house of Christmas decorations at least one is discovered, still in situ, several days later?

Advice To The Labour Party

Turn off the lights when you leave (are booted out of) government.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

We are not trying to poison you when we give you your regular anti worming protection.

Advice To The Labour Party

Please put yourselves out of our misery now!

The World's Tallest Building

No matter how tall the structure, a building constructed on sand will eventually return to the sand.

Spam

The arrival of the New Year has been greeted by a veritable deluge of spam spewed forth into people's mailboxes.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Promising the long suffering British electorate a "decade of prosperity" is all very well. However, that is what you were meant to have been doing for us for the past 10 years!