Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and God Jul everyone!

The Mayan "Prophecy"

Quelle surprise, the world hasn't ended!

The Mayan Doomsday Prophecy

Let us be clear the alleged Mayan prophecy, of the end of the world on 21 December 2012, is utter bollocks!

Carry on as normal with your daily lives, absolutely nothing will happen.

Advice To Parents

Keep the family warm this winter by telling your kids that the gas meter is a piggy bank.

One Week Until Christmas!

Aaiieee!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

There is no roast rib of beef left for you!

Season's Greetings From Brighton

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Breakfast is not served at 5:00AM.

Victory and Death

Victory and death are intertwined.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please note that the newly arrived Christmas tree is not a cat's climbing frame!

The Way Out

In every situation there is usually a way out.

If there isn't, you are dead.

Friendship

When your friend is dying, the most important thing is to help him/her out right away; then worry about anything else later.

Modalities

I do not like the word "modalities", it is expunged forthwith from the English language!

Advice To The Media

The Duchess of Cambridge is not the first woman in history to become pregnant.

Snowed In?

Are you snowed in?

Stuff work, school, shopping, the daily chores or whatever; go out and build a snowman instead!

Journeys

All journeys end.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Freshly laundered jumpers are not placed on the bed for you to sleep on.

Why Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960 Was Trending

On 16 November I asked why "Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960" was trending on Twitter

The answer is that there are is that there are 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 possible Sudoku puzzles.

Advice To Business men - The Curse of Xmas

Businessmen beware the curse of Xmas, when everything that can go wrong with your business does go wrong in the run up to Xmas.

More often than not these errors, cock ups and disasters are not noticed until the New Year when it is often too late to resolve them.

Sartorial Advice

Just because it's raining there is no need to wear a Mackintosh.

"Ism's"

"Ism's" are the refuges of fools and the fearful.

RIP Larry Hagman

RIP Larry Hagman.

Procrastination

Procrastination is the enemy of progress.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American chums, and to the good people of America.

Advice To The Church of England

Despite what some of your bishops may say, it matters very much if people laugh at you for rejecting women bishops; because it means that you have become an irrelevance.

Wisdom

To attain wisdom, first learn to doubt.

Advice To My Girlfriend

Make sure that you are in your Twitter account when tweeting:).

Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960

Does anyone have any idea why "Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960" is trending on Twitter at the moment?

Wisdom

A politician's open mouth invariably indicates a closed mind.

Wisdom

A wise man turns off the road that the he is travelling before he runs out of road.

The Circle of Life

As sure as eggs are eggs, when a dictator's portrait is "de-hanged" from a wall so the dictator himself is hanged.

Advice To Self

Fatty pork chops, roast spuds, stuffing, half a kilo of brussels and excess gravy served on Sunday evening make a heady combination on Monday morning.

In Praise of Toilets

Kudos to the Korean city of Suwon for acknowledging the importance to all of us of something that we all try to ignore (ie toilets) and opening "the world's first toilet theme park".

The Restroom Cultural Park has a museum displaying Roman style loos, European-style bedpans, and ancient Korean flush toilets, as well as fun facts about human waste and a sculpture garden dedicated to squatting figures.

Advice To The Republicans

As you unpick the bones of your defeat, don't double down on stupid and embrace the false prophet of extremism!

The American Election

Only four more years until the next Presidential election, one can almost hear the political pundits gearing up to speculate on the outcome of that one!

Happy US Election Day

My best wishes to the good people of America today as they choose who they wish to lead them for the next four years.

As to whether the newly elected President, whoever it turns out to be, can actually bring about a meaningful improvement in the lives of the people of America and unblock the political gridlock on Capitol Hill remains to be seen.

Happy Bonfire Night

Have an enjoyable and accident free bonfire night everyone.

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Nincompoop

Advice To Self

Always check that there are no soft fruits in your trouser back pockets before sitting down.

Happy Halloween

Sandy Causes Chaos

People in Britain would do well not to ever moan about the weather here again, given what the USA frequently has to put up with!

Mondays

Start the week as you mean to go on, with a big plateful of roast beef with all the trimmings for lunch.

A Burden Shared

Sharing a burden invariably means spreading the shit around so that one's friends end up being covered in it as well.

Advice To Gym Changing Room Users

Flush the farking toilet after you have used it. No one else wishes to view your urine samples or faecal matter!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My head is not a pillow for you to rest on when I am sleeping.

Advice To Cheeky Buggers

Fuck Off!

The End of The Road

When the road runs out, stop driving.

Numbers

Unlike people, numbers don't lie.

Advice To Perfume Advertisers

How about, for once, creating an advert that people can fucking understand and that has at least some vague relevance to the bottles of scented cat's piss that you are trying to sell at extortionate prices!

Sound Business Advice

Turnover is vanity,

Profit is sanity,

Cash is reality!

Wise Cat

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your "cat circus" performance of jumping, running and other assorted gymnastics is very good. However, please could you not do it on our bed at 4AM.

Happy Birthday Baroness Thatcher

Happy birthday Baroness Thatcher.

Hooray For Alcohol!

Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

Cat Barbers

Thanks To My Cat

Thank you for lending me one of your soft toys for use as a wrist rest to ease my RSI when using my computer.

Rain

The weather forecast said that the next few days were to be bright and warmer.

The reality?

Pissing down, grey and cold!

Do not trust the forecasters.

Log Fire

I award myself 2/10 for last night's pathetic effort at building a log fire, much smoke but precious little flame and heat.

Must do better next time!

Happy James Bond Day

Fifty years ago today "Dr No" was released.

Advice To Barmen

Make sure you insert the right credit/debit card in the payment machine and hand it to the right person, lest they end up blocking the card by entering their pin number on someone else's card!

Advice To Self

Don't wear a Drizabone heavy coat when carrying a net of logs up a very steep hill!

Advice To Businessmen

A moribund website is synonymous with a moribund company.

Apologies To My Cat

Apologies for running out of your food pouches, new stocks will be delivered tomorrow.

In the meantime, I trust that a tin of corned beef and 2kg of Iams is sufficient?

The Darkness

The darkness, when it envelops someone, illuminates a person's character.

Risk

A life without risk is a living death.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You won't be pleased to read this, but your annual check up at the vet is soon due.

Advice To Businessmen

Businesses fail when the board doesn't communicate with one another.

Monday Morning

The week starts dismally, as the heavens have opened and the wind doth blow!

I don't like Mondays!

It's Time For TED

Advice To Beko

When you cold call customers, to try to sell them product insurance, don't start the sales pitch by asking "is the Beko oven you bought a year ago still working?".

Advice To Businessmen

The butterfly style of management (flitting from one project to another, without ever focusing on one) is guaranteed to fail.

Advice To Thieving Little Dickhead

The thieving little dickhead who stole the flowerpot, and flowers growing within it, from outside our house on Saturday night should be aware that I am looking for it and will retrieve it when I find it.

Irony

Is it not "ironic" that the gutter press that claims to deplore the online bullying of children by children is the same gutter press that sets children such a lousy example by bullying adults, by publishing intimate pictures of "celebrities" taken by paparazzi who stalk "celebrities" in the same manner that a hunter stalks his prey?

Advice To Myself

Give up trying to work and write today, there are too many disturbances going on in my office!

Advice To All Bigoted Violent Ignorant Bastards

Please fuck off from this planet and practice your bigotry and hatred in an uninhabited (and preferably airless) galaxy far far far away!

Advice To MORI

If you want to know what I think about something, then simply read my websites; rather than ring my doorbell or call me on the phone.

Bovril and Sherry

What better way to warm up on a cold evening than with a hot mug of Bovril and sherry!

A fine naval drink, eg as consumed in the Ward Room of HMS Hurworth.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please do not go to sleep on the TV remote control.

Advice To Guest Cat

It is rude to come into our house and play with Rosie's toys, without asking her permission first.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

A dead moth is not really worth all the brouhaha and waking us up for in the middle of the night!

Confidence

Beware cretins and morons who are full of confidence in themselves and their abilities.

Advice To Some People

It doesn't cost you anything to say "thank you" for a favour/free advice, but it may well cost you dear not to say it!

The Glorious Sun

Joy to the world, the glorious sun has returned to shine benevolently on my dwelling. However, there is a distinct autumnal chill in the air.

Question For The Weather Gods

Why does it feel like it's Autumn already, even though it's still only the end of August?

Spot The Difference For Those in Essex

The Desert of Bank Holiday Free Weeks

Thus another week crashes into our lives, as we are left wondering where the Bank Holiday weekend went as we contemplate the desert of Bank Holiday free weeks that stretch before us until Christmas.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Many thanks for presenting us with a semi live moth in bed at 2am the other night. However, we weren't really that hungry.

Advice To The Royal Family

Ban all mobile phones and cameras from your presence.

Advice To Brighton Beach Visitors

Clean up your litter before you leave the beach!

Whither Weather Forecasts?

According to the "up to date" BBC weather forecast, today is meant to be overcast.

According to my window, today is sunny and bright.

Fear of Reality

Fear of reality gives so called "experts" blind faith in utter nonsense.

Happy Happy Joy Joy

There is nothing more satisfying than watching two dishonest organisations trying to con one another in a business deal, and seeing them both losing big time because of their greed and dishonesty.

Captcha

Captcha is such a farking pain in the arse to use.

Can someone please develop a less knobheaded way of screening comments for spambots?

Sartorial Advice

Always wear white at night!

Advice To Businessmen

Never use the phrase "unleash our solution" in any form of communication with potential investors or customers.

Questions

Some questions are best not asked, let alone answered.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Just because you were displeased with your blanket being moved, there was no need to express your displeasure by farting!

Sleeping On A Problem

Sometimes a problem appears far less daunting after a good night's sleep. However, appearances can often be deceptive!

Advice To Businessmen

Work out who actually owns your company first, before you attempt to launch an IPO or similar fund raising initiative.

Grass

A single blade of grass is weak and can easily be pulled apart. However, a clump of blades that are bound together are strong and resilient.

As it is with grass, so it is with people!

Tick Tock

Why do clocks go "tick tock" and not "tock tick"?

Change

An acceptance of change is essential for survival and growth, organisations and societies that resist/refuse to change are in effect committing suicide.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The smell of curry on my breath, after one of my homemade "specials", does not constitute a gas attack or threat to your existence; therefore there is not need to run away from me, to the other side of the lounge, and hide behind the firewood basket!

Raw Onion

There is no finer start to the day that can top opening the fridge door only to be greeted by the delightful aroma of raw onion coming from within!

Perception

Depending on your perception, that person in the distance might either be waving or drowning.

Nerves

Nerves are nature's remedy for constipation!

Advice To Cretins

Think about your audience before crafting an email.

Good Colleagues and Friends

Good colleagues and friends are those who step up the plate to help a chum/colleague out when he is in schtuck!

These people are rare, but he is a lucky person who finds himself working with or chums with such people.

Sunshine

Sunshine three days in a row?

Is this England?

Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy has no soul, compassion or forgiveness.

The Joy of Chili

The joy of eating a strong chili for dinner is that its power can still be felt the morning after consuming it!

Good Mood

Today I am in a good mood, let the sun shine and birds sing!

Is It Me?

Is it me, or is the world having some sort of collective self inflicted mental breakdown at the moment?

Gratitude To My Cat

Thank you for heeding yesterday's advice to stop washing behind your ears. As a result of you heeding my advice, the sun has come out today!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop washing behind your ears, every time you do that it pisses down!

Happy Friday The 13th

In keeping with the spirit of the day, it is pissing down (as it has been day in day out for the last week)!

Anger

Holding on to anger is like holding on to a red hot stone, the longer you hold on to it the more it will burn and hurt you.

National Fish Walking Day

In honour of the great British summer, I hereby declare today to be National Fish Walking Day!

The British Summer

A pox upon this lousy summer that we are having to endure.

Monday Mornings

Ugh, how I loath and despise Monday mornings!

Advice To The 5am Seagulls

Shut the fark up!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

"Reprehensible"

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to my American chums and relatives!

The Stench of Fear

Can you smell that?

It's the stench of fear coming from the politicians and the Bank of England, as they contemplate what the freshly resigned Bod Diamond will say to the Treasury Select Committee tomorrow.

Directorships

There are some people who, because of their natures (eg idle, incompetent, dishonest), should never be allowed the near the boardrooms of companies (whether they be multinationals or SME's).

Rain Daleks Invade England

Advice To Barclays

When committing fraud do not communicate details of the fraud to others via email, texts or other electronic media.

Push Ups

When I do push ups I don't push myself up, I push the earth down!

Farewell Lonesome George!

Farewell Lonesome George!

Adversity

When faced with adversity the weak curl up into a ball and try to hide, the strong spread their wings and soar above it like an eagle.

Today's Word

Today's word is "indefatigable".

Glad Midsommar!

Glad Midsommar to my Swedish chums!

In keeping with the season, it is blowing a gale here in the UK.

Today's Word

Today's word is: "Windbag".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I appreciate that you are finalising your evil plans for world domination. However, there is no need to make it so obvious to the rest of us (ie adopt a "poker face").

Mortal Enemies

I am currently updating my mortal enemies list, I may be some time.

Rain

Advice To Staff at Pub Restaurants

Pick up the phone!

The British Summer

Advice To Acquaintances

Don't put other people's names in the frame for donating money to "good causes", without checking with them first.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Fear not, we are sending an email to Felix about the fact you cannot stand and won't eat their "beef" pouch.

Today's Word

Today's word is "jackanapes".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Have I not asked you some months ago to wipe your paws before jumping all over the bedsheets?

Please read and remember my advice in the future.

Advice To Freelance "Journalists"

Don't tell people after publishing an article (that you never cleared with them first) that you are not a journalist, when you in fact describe yourself as one on the web; ie don't be a lying c*nt!

Debt

Debt is not wealth!

Today's Word

Today's word is "bascule".

Question For The BBC

Who the fark is "HRH the Queen"?

I think you will find that it is "Her Majesty the Queen".

You have covered royal occasions before, haven't you?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The binmen are very nice people who are only trying to help to keep the streets clean and tidy, they are not a threat to your safety or your well being.

Bank Holiday Weather

As the UK gears itself up for a 4 day bank holiday weekend, to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee and /or hold a BBQ or street party, it is of course guaranteed that the recent spell of sunshine is coming to an end and the temperature falling!

Converts

Converts are the loudest and most fanatical members of a group, political party or religion.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The front door is for humans, the cat flap in the door into the garden is for cats.

Air Conditioning

Air conditioning is the devil's invention, it spreads disease and infection faster than a plague ridden rat.

A pox upon air conditioning!

Free yourselves, turn it off and open a window instead!

Sunshine

The sun has finally returned to the UK, marking the start of Pimm's season.

Huzzah!

Question For My Cat

Why, when you know that you are just about to spew forth a furball do you insist on coming in from the garden into the kitchen to spew it forth onto the kitchen floor when I am preparing food?

Advice To Sauna Users

Metal is a very effective conductor of heat. Therefore don't be surprised that you burn yourself if you are foolish enough to wear jewellery, or carry keys into the sauna!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The freshly cooked pieces of gammon placed on your plate were for you to eat, the gammon joint placed on the carving board was not for you to eat!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The ironing board, unlike the vacuum cleaner, is not a threat to your health, safety or restful sleep; therefore there is no need to run away whenever it appears.

Question For My Cat

Why don't you enjoy the vacuum cleaner like the cat above?

Sunshine

Do my eyes deceive me, is that the sun shining?

Surely not!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your bowls are for your food, please do not drag your food out of them onto the floor to eat it.

The Cycle of Life

Last week on the beachfront I was mistaken for some lesser known actor by a hen party, who had their photos taken with me. This week, on the same beachfront, a couple of blokes took exception to my white jacket and trousers and shouted:

"What a cunt!"

Life places you upon a mountain top one day, then throws you into the valley the next!

C'est la vie!

Advice To Hotmail

Fix your server!

Advice To UK Olympic Torchbearers

Carry an umbrella!

Happy Europe Day - Pass The Sick Bag!

Today, apparently, is "Europe Day".

Pass the sick bag someone!

Bank Holidays

Why are bank holidays always so wet and dismal?

Advice To Spammers

Starting your spam with the phrase "This is not spam" simply doesn't cut the mustard!

A Pox Upon This Drought!

A pox upon this accursed drought, during which the rain never ends!

Gravy and Mobile Phones

It is unwise to spill gravy onto a touch screen mobile phone.

Cat Matters

Pussycat pussycat, what big paws you have!

Mondays

Mondays are such tedious gloomy days, far better to start the week on a  Tuesday!

Advice To Our EU Overlords

Don't ask for an increase in your budget when you are proactively imposing austerity on your subjects, and when youth unemployment in Spain exceeds 50%.

Continue to press ahead with that budget demand and it will end in tears!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Cardboard boxes are not primarily designed to be cat houses.

Advice To Politicians

Don't get into bed with media moguls!

Jumpers and Gravy

Why is it whenever I wear a newly cleaned jumper I spill gravy down it?

Happy St George's Day

Happy St George's Day!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Re my advice yesterday to use your new scratching post, keep trying you'll get used to it in the end!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please use your new scratching post!

The Irony of British Weather

How ironic that, as we face months of "drought" and hosepipe bans, it is pissing down and looks set to continue for several days.

Advice To Businesses

Shutting the door after the horse has bolted is not an effective, or viable, business strategy.

A Gentleman's Survival Kit for the 21st Century

- A flask of brandy

- A fistful of Havana cigars

- A Colt 45

- A pocketful of gold sovereigns

"There Is No Alternative"

The excuse "there is no alternative" is used by those who wish to comfort themselves when they do not wish to change a decision that they know is wrong.

Dreams

Beware muscular and proactive defence policies, lest they transform themselves into the dreams of conquest.

Answers and Replies

All answers are replies, but not all replies are answers.

Bank Holidays

As sure as eggs are eggs, as soon as the bank holiday ends so does the downpour!

The Sinking of The Titanic

Flexible "Deadlines"

Ever flexible "deadlines" are the tools of fools, conmen and dreamers.

Alcohol

Faster acting, far more enjoyable and cheaper than therapy.

Great Lies of Today

"Temporarily out of service"

Hope

When businesses use the word "hope" in their plans, forecasts and updates, you know that all is lost.

Agendas

Those who follow their own selfish agendas, to the detriment of their associates and colleagues, will eventually fall flat on their faces.

Happy Birthday Rosie!

Happy birthday Rosie, you are three today!