Happy New Year

I would like to wish you all a happy, peaceful and fulfilling 2017!

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas to you all!

Advice To Southern Commuters

Club together and charter your own trains, then send the bill to Southern.

The Statistical Correlation Between The Proximity of Christmas and Puke

As Christmas draws ever nearer, there is a statistically significant increase in the amount of puke encountered on the pavements and verges.

Advice To Businesses In The Pre Christmas Period

As sure as eggs are eggs, any major decision taken in the hectic and "jolly" days leading up to Christmas will inevitably turn sour in the New Year.

Postpone all major decisions until the sober reality of January.

The Mystery of The Avocado

Why do people buy avocados, only to leave them to ripen for so long that by the time they try to eat them they have gone rotten?

What is it about avocados that causes such aberrant behaviour?

Advice To Banks

Hiding behind call centre queues of 25 minutes or more won't save you from the wrath of your customers!

Wealthy People

Wealthy people remain wealthy because they care about every penny.

Shopping Online For The Elderly

When shopping online for an elderly person, leave the placement of the order until the last minute so as to allow time for the twenty or so phone calls asking for changes to be made to the order.

Happy 1st of December

25 days until Christmas.

Panic in the streets!

Morning Has Broken

When dawn's sweet light strikes your eyes, take the day by the scruff of its neck and beat its head against the wall until it submits to your will.

You now own the day!

Advice To Hotels

Don't shut down your Sunday brunch on the weekend before Christmas!

Black Friday Is Bollocks

Those of you who rush out today in the search of "happiness" derived from the purchase of a "discounted" foreign import made by underpaid workers in Asia Pacific, might care to reflect that after your purchase your lives will still be as empty and unfulfilling as they were before the purchase.

Happy Thanksgiving

A happy and peaceful Thanksgiving to all my American friends!

The "Better Nature" of Demagogues and Dictators

Appealing to the "better nature" or morals of demagogues and dictators is utterly pointless, as they don't have these human traits.

In order to deal with such people you need to use a combination of threats, bribes and flattery.

The "Good Old Days"

We are contantly being told by politicians and the medai that our air and water is polluted, and that the food we eat is jnk and killing us.

Yet go back a few hundred years in time, to the days before pollution and junk food, and you will find that people did not live much beyond 30.

There's irony for you!

Question For Three

When are you going to communicate with your customers about the hack?

Weather Apps

A pox upon all weather apps, they are worse than worthless!

Happy Beaujolais Nouveau Day!

Question For Microsoft

Why do your Windows 10 updates keep screwing up my pc?

Knife Fights

Knife fights are very unbecoming, especially when conducted in high political office, and invariably end with the wrong person winning.

Beware The Supermoon

Beware the supermoon, as social media will be awash with even more nut jobs than usual!

Lest We Forget

How Democracy Works

One party wins, the others lose and bide their time until the next election to try to win popular support.

Those people who cannot come to terms with an election result need to understand the above, and get over themselves.

Advice To Pollsters

Look for another job!

#TobleroneGate - Don't Fall For The Brexit Rumour

Toblerone is made in Bern (as per Toblerone), the myth that the change in shape is to do with Brexit cost rises is nonsense, this redesign and retooling of the product and production line is designed to increase profits.

Advice To American Voters

Whoever gets elected in the next 48 hours, do remember you will need to unite as a nation afterwards even if you cannot stand the President Elect.

Advice To Flat Dwellers Re Buildings Insurance

When the excess on your buildings insurance is in the thousands, don't kid yourself that you are covered; you're not!

Advice To Cold Callers

Mr Didcot does not live here, he has never lived here, nor will he ever live here.

FFS amend your fucking records!

Advice To The Republicans and Democrats

Had either of you chosen any candidates other than the ones you are fielding now, you would win by a landslide!

Clever People

Many clever people delude themselves into thinking that they are more clever than those around them, this delusion leads them to do foolish things that inevitably come back to bite them on their arses!

Halloween

Halloween is a perverse occasion, as it is the one time of the year that parents encourage their kids to wander the streets at night in fancy dress, demanding sweets from strangers.

Farewell Vine

Farewell Vine, until the announcement of you demise I had never heard of you or knew what you did.

Fog and Sunshine Working In Harmony

Today's sea fog was brought to you courtesy of today's sunshine, which then burned it off.

Reclining Office Chairs

Reclining office chairs are all very well and good, until a crucial screw pops out at the moment of maximum recline!

Innocuous Lies

Sometimes something innocuous, such as someone lying about why they didn't bring you something from duty free, points to deeper issues.

Happy Trafalgar Day

Question For Southern Rail

You claim that the currently curtailed timetable will be restored in full by the end of the month.

That being the case, what was the point of curtailing it in the first place?

Bananas

Start your day with a banana, and you will conquer the world!

Question For The American People

Are Clinton and Trump really the best candidates that a country with a population of 319 million can produce to run for President?

Toilet Flushing

Start your day as you mean to go on, by giving your toilet a good powerful flush!

Advice To Multinationals

When complaining about the fall in value of Sterling:

1 Don't forget what goes down, does also go up

2 Ask your hedging department why they failed to provide sufficient hedge.

3 Marmite is made in the UK!

Advice To "Celebrities"

You can only apologise on behalf of yourself, and those that have given you express permission to apologise on their behalf.

You cannot apologise on behalf of an entire country!

Advice Re Using Professionals

When you hire a dog, don't do the barking yourself.

The same principle applies to the use of professional services and heeding advice from lawyers, property management companies and insurance companies.

Avoid Monday Mornings

Avoid Monday mornings by sleeping in until Tuesday.

Advice To Virgin Media and Mobile

FFS merge your online portals!

A Fistful of Pens

A fistful of pens, yet not one of them works!

Why are non functioning pens never disposed of?

Effort

Some things just aren't worth the effort, don't waste time and energy on them simply move on to something else.

Question For Southern Rail

Are we to assume that your strategy (wrt buggering up the schedules, cancelling trains, firing staff and your idiotic request for commuters to tweet complaints to the RMT) is in fact part of a cunning strategy to force the government to rid you of your rail franchise?

Cheerful Monday Mornings

Beware cheerful, bright Monday mornings; the week is setting you up for a fail big time!

Advice To Leafleteers

Do you really think I look like I would want to read your leaflet at 7:00AM???

The Joy of Hip Flasks

Let joy be unabated, I have found my hip flask!

How To Handle Monday Mornings

Grab the day by the scruff of the neck and give it a sound kicking until it capitulates.

Advice To Social Media Billionaires

Your immense wealth does not guarantee that you will be able to cure/manage all diseases by the turn of the century.

Advice to Yakult - Turning Japanese

Your instructional "learn simple Japanese" early morning adverts are all very well and educational, but must the lady telling us the Japanese for "good morning" etc sound so awake and bleeding cheerful at 5.30AM?

Accidents

Accidents happen, however when there are a series of related "accidents" they can no longer be classified as "accidents".

Clock Watching

A watched clock never ticks in time with the flow of time relative to the observer.

Inspiration

Inspiration best comes when not sought after.

Facts vs Feelings

Follow the facts to where they lead, do not be diverted by your feelings of where you would like them to lead.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes from staring into the void.

Fear

Fear makes us stronger, faster and sharper.

Embrace it and use it to your advantage.

Advice To Hillary Clinton

Gargle with salt water before you next try to speak in in public.

The Weather Gods

The weather gods regularly piss on our Monday mornings with the depressing inevitability of the return of an unloved season.

350th Anniversary of The Great Fire of London

Today in 1666 the Great Fire of London began. Over three days it reduced much of the city to ash #LondonMudlark pic.twitter.com/YvrVBDCmTY

— London Mudlark (@LondonMudlark) September 2, 2016

Superior Ability

Superior ability breeds superior ambition.

Weather Apps

Instead of relying on weather apps, simply look out of the window; a far more reliable means of checking the weather.

Wishes

It's not "I wish", it's "I will!".

Fissures

Fissures are never that obvious until the system/structure collapses.

Government Timetables

Government timetables inevitably fail.

Enemy Proximity

When you are far away convince your enemy you are close to him, when you are close convince him you are far away.

The Russian Reset

As Britain attempts to reset its relations with Russia, the question is will her colonial cousins allow such an independent foreign policy initiative?

History

History is malleable and subjective, not set in stone.

Say Boo To a Goose!

Start your day as you mean to go on, find a flock of geese and say "Boo!" to them!

The British Summer

An early August morning and, even though the sun is shining, the wind is icy.

The British summer, ushering in the chill winds of October!

Advice To Southern Rail and The RMT

Grow up and stop inflicting your dispute on the hapless commuters who have to get to work.

Insurance Premiums

Insurance premiums don't buy you restitution for an accident or cock up, they merely buy "peace of mind" until something goes wrong.

Pain

In order to overcome pain, you need to punch your way through the barrier that gives you pain.

Changing Looks

Don't change the way you look, change the way you change.

In The Shit

When you are in the shit, ensure that you maintain mental and physical discipline in order to avoid being totally engulfed by the shit.

Making an Impression

You have two opportunities to make an impression on people:

1 Your entrance, and

2 Your departure.

Never neglect the latter.

Advice To Politicians

It's not about you, it's about the people who you are meant to serve!

Accidental Volunteering

Beware accidentally volunteering for something by way of an ill advised comment or statement.

British Summer Suffers DDOS Attack

It would appear that the British summer has suffered a DDOS attack!

Advice To Parents In Changing Rooms

You and your one child do not need to take up an entire two metre bench simply to get changed into your swimming kits!

The News

Journalists tend to work to a pre planned grid of news stories, planned months in advance.

Hence, aside from the unexpected disaster etc, the "news" is pre planned to suit the media's agenda.

Advice To Whistleblowers

Be careful you are not manipulated into becoming the story.

Crying Wolf

The fable of Peter and The Wolf is well known, and widely disseminated, yet people fail to learn from it.

To reiterate crying wolf is a very foolish practice that undermines the wolf crier's credibility, and pisses off those around him/her.

Southern Rail - Epic Fail!

Southern Rail, the byword for failure!

Housing Crisis

The housing crisis in the UK is not so much caused by the lack of affordable new builds, but by the fact there are 660K of neglected unoccupied properties in parts of the country where no one wants to live.

Advice To Coup Plotters

Make sure that you are not being used by the person against whom you are plotting as a means of strengthening his grip on power!

Rising To The Top

For every ladder you ascend there is a slippery snake awaiting your inevitable missteps.

Tents and Their Occupants

Far better to have someone inside the tent pissing out, rather than have someone outside the tent pissing in!

Political Parties

Political parties that ask their members' permission everytime they need to wipe their bottoms, end up being held hostage by fucktards and the swivel eyed.

Advice To The University of North Texas

You might want to rethink your promotional coffee cup design!

Gun Control

It is claimed by some in the USA that people should have the right to bear arms for their own protection.

That being the case, why is it that so many innocent people are killed in the USA on a daily basis by guns?

British Summer

A Curse To Smite Your Mortal Enemies

Here is a proforma curse with which to smite your mortal enemies:

I curse you (INSERT NAME HERE),

May you die alone, unloved and unremembered,

May your flesh be torn at by wolves,

May your guts be eviscerated by vultures,

May the sun dry your bones,

May the winds blow your ashes to the four corners of the earth,

For all the good that you have done it would be better that you have never existed at all!

Factoid - Faraj

Faraj in Malaysian means "vagina".

Just saying!

Happy Fourth of July!

A very happy Fourth of July to my American friends.

Politics

In politics nothing is ever certain, and no one is your friend.

Black Swans

Black swans do not have a lengthy lifespan.

Hysteria

Hysteria and denial are not the way forward.

Knuckle down and address the situation that you are confronted with.

A House Divided

A house divided inevitably falls.

Referendum Fear

Fear not, whatever the outcome of today's' referendum the sun will still rise tomorrow!

One More Day of Referendum Torture

Only one day of referendum torture left to endure.

Be still my beating heart!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Demit

Phone Restarts

Phone restarts invariably impose themselves upon you at the very time you most need to use your phone.

Social Media - The Tsunami of "Groupthink"

Beware the tsunami of "groupthink" that drowns social media whenever a major event (good or bad) occurs; lest it drown reason, common sense and facts.

Quenching a Fire

In order to quench a fire, first you must start one.

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Puffling

The Enemy

It is very easy to describe your enemy as "evil", as that makes it a lot easier to wage war against him.

However, as you wage your war, do bear in mind that your enemy is also describing you as "evil".

Kings

Kings bear a heavy burden, but the greatest burden is that borne by the king's brother.

News Headlines

Sometimes what the media determine to be today's leading "headlines" are simply not newsworthy. Look for the real news that is being buried.

Advice To Plumbers

When installing new pipework and shower valves, test the seals first to make sure they can withstand the pressure before the system goes live.

Ken Frost's Tweet Map

View ken_frost's profile on Tweepsmap

Lost

Things that are lost invariably turn up after you need them.

Happy Swedish National Day

Happy Swedish National Day to all my Swedish friends!

Building Work

Always add ten days to any domestic building project's estimated time of completion.

Where The Fark Has Summer Gone?

Fire

The fire inside needs to burn brighter than the fire outside if you are to survive.

Jumping Ship

There is nothing to fear from jumping from a large tanker, especially if it is on fire!

Weather Apps Are Bollocks!

My weather app told me it was sunny this morning, yet my own eyes and my soaking wet cat told me that it was raining.

WTF is the point of a weather app if it can't even give an accurate analysis of the weather in real time?

Advice To Celebrities

The world doesn't have an infinite supply of botox and silicon!

Ears

Ears are best opened by hands.

Question For My Upper Right Front Incisor

You have served me well for many decades without mishap or complaint, how is it that one tiny piece of bone in a sausage caused you to part ways with my gum?

Breaking Things

Beware breaking things, especially regimes that you don't like; for once you break it you own it.

Ideas

Ideas only flourish when they are shared.

Opinions on Planning Applications

Opinions from neighbouring businesses on planning applications for another business are only valid, if those giving an opinion actually bother to turn up and open up their premises on a daily basis.

Advice To Incompetent Signmakers

Pay back the fucking money you owe!

Backstabbers

Backstabbers only succeed when you turn your backs on them.

Pneumonia

The advantage of having pneumonia, and the associated breathlessness, is that you can avoid taking phone calls from people you don't want to talk to.

Crises

Never let a good crisis go to waste.

Hence if you find out that you have pneumonia, use that as a good excuse to cancel a dental appointment.

The British Summer Installation Speed

As ever, the British summer is proving to be very slow to install this year!

Vacuum Cleaners

Vacuum cleaners are very good at being noisy, but invariably "suck" at actually removing dust and other detritus. Instead they redistribute the detritus in the air and around the room being vacuumed.

Blogger Down - Work Around

Whilst Blogger attempts to resolve its global crash, those of you who need to Blog may find this work-around helpful.

Go to draft.blogger.com  rather than www.blogger.com

Chicken and Rice

Chicken and rice are so very nice!

Advice To DHL

Some people work for a living, and can't stay in all day!

Why can't you deliver to neighbours???

Coughing Fits

Coughing fits are a most efficacious means of toning the abs!

Happy St George's Day

Life

Dearly beloved... (church in Tulsa, Oklahoma) #PrinceRIP pic.twitter.com/5zspq0nyeN

— R.Saddler (@Politics_PR) April 22, 2016

Pork Chops

Succulent pork chops with extra fat are most efficacious in every way imaginable!

Winning

Passion is not enough to win, passion needs to be combined with determination and resilience.

Advice To The Manufacturers of Trousers

Print your size labels with permanent non fading ink.

Monday Augury

A dead goose in the local park pond is not a good augury for a Monday morning.

Damp Squibs

Beware laughing at a neighbour's damp squib, lest he let off a really big firework that he had been keeping in reserve for a special occasion!

Fireworks

Fireworks are less impressive when you know what the running order and timings will be.

Advice To Journalists

Beware CIA operatives bearing gifts!

Burning Roof

When your roof is ablaze, don't procrastinate over having to use your entire supply of water up in order to extinguish the blaze.

You can fuss over your water supply once the blaze is extinguished!

Advice To Politicians

Beware stoking the fires of moral outrage wrt the tax arrangements of others, lest they burn so brightly that they immolate you.

Hoo-Hahs

It is the nature of Hoo-Hahs that they fizzle out as rapidly as they peak.

News

The nature of 24 rolling news coverage, augmented by real time social media, means that specific news items very rarely remain in the public eye or indeed consciousness for more than a few fleeting hours.

Advice To Journalists

Rehashing old information, and presenting it as "breaking news" does journalism's image little good and reinforces the impression that those journalists who do this are merely chasing headlines and seeking glory for themselves rather than reporting up to date information and facts.

Data Overload

Data overload obscures what is important.

April Fools' Day

Another April Fools' Day is upon us, when the mainstream media publish stories that are bollocks.

Hang on, don't they do that every day?

Bacon

Life is made all the more pleasurable by bacon!

When In Doubt

When in doubt about something, go with your gut instinct.

British Bank Holidays

Bank holidays in Britain are a right load of old choss:

- traffic jams,
- lousy weather, and
- shite furniture sales!

Advice To Government Organisations

When you are trying to plant an "exclusive" story in the media, don't give the same story to a large number of media organisations at the same time.

They will not be best pleased to find out that you are trying to play them for patsies for your own nefarious ends!

Advice To Politicians

The words "shock" and "outrage" tend to be overused during times of crisis, especially when you have been telling the public for sometime that such events are highly likely.

Dogs and Lawyers

When you buy a dog, you don't do the barking yourself.

The same principle should be applied when hiring a lawyer.

Skype

A watched Skype chat never pings.

Happy St Patrick's Day

RIP Lady Penelope

Sylvia Anderson 27 March 1927 - 16 March 2016

Troop Withdrawals

Beware heaving a sigh of relief when a country pulls its troops out of a specific war zone. This may be but a means to deploy them elsewhere, against someone else.

Shouting

The person or country that shouts the loudest is invariably the weakest and most pathetic.

Emails and Messages

Look for what is missing from an email or message when determining what the writer is actually thinking.

Tit For Tat

Tit for tat is not an effective foreign policy tactic.

Countries that apply such tactics invariably end up looking like immature idiots, and end up embroiling themselves in situations that others have to help them out of in order to avoid bloodshed.

Low Hanging Fruit

Whilst low hanging fruit may appear to be tempting, beware overindulging lest they be poisoned.

Cornered Mice

Cornered mice, when they have nothing left to lose, will fight back.

Advice To World Leaders and Businessmen wrt Dog Vomit

Don't return to dog vomit!

The Weekend Approaches

As the weekend approaches go forth into it with gusto!

Growth

Growth occurs when you experience things, and interact with people, outwith your normal comfort zone.

American Democracy

American democracy is an illusion, the American people have little choice other than to vote for one of two candidates both under the control of oligarchs.

The exception being the 2016 presidential election, wherein one of the candidates will most likely be an oligarch.

Rain and Wind

Rain wouldn't be half so bad if it were not for the fact that it is invariably accompanied by wind.

Tarka Dhal for Breakfast

Tarka dhal makes a most excellent substitute for porridge at breakfast, in the event that you have run out of the latter, it is tasty and high in fibre.

Political Leaks

Political leaks are the most effective means of gauging whether a proposal will be accepted or not.

Attitude

Attitude makes the day or kills the day.

Question For Europhiles

How many of you voted in the last European elections and know the name of your MEP?

The EU Referendum

Annoyingly we are going to have to put up with a four months 24/7 media frenzy over this tedious subject.

In short, no matter what the media, talking heads and sound bit politicians say the answer lies in our own guts and the decision can be made with minimal angst on the 23rd of June.

Negotiation Tips

In the event you are serious about negotiating a deal, it is best practice to start the negotiation before terminating it.

Advice To Pontiffs

Don't involve yourself in American politics.

False Flags

Beware the false flags that are leading us to war.

Brexit?

No matter whether the British public want to remain in or leave the EU, the political establishment in the UK and Europe want the UK to remain.

Therefore the British public should be prepared for every trick in the book (including using Royalty) to be used to engineer a vote for remaining in the EU.

Advice To Celebrities

The more times you flounce off Twitter and close your account, only to restart your account then flounce off again some months later, the less meaningful that empty gesture becomes.

Advice To Microsoft Re Windows 10

Until you sort out the glitches that are caused to people's pc settings when upgrading to Windows 10, kindly stop bombarding them with suggestions to upgrade.

Advice To Managers

Sometimes it is wiser, and less stressful, to raise a difficult issue face to face or by a phone call rather than by sending an ill conceived email.

Leadership

It takes more than just appealing to people's baser instincts to be a true leader.

Happy Pancake Day!

Get tossing!

Happy Lunar New Year!

Happy Lunar New Year everyone!

Birthday Celebrations

Sometimes it is ill advised to let off too many fireworks when celebrating someone's birthday.

Question For The Weather Gods

Why does Monday morning's weather have to be so bloody bleak and miserable?

Runny Porridge

Curses!

My porridge was too runny this morning!

Advice To Economists, Analysts and Politicians

The markets will always outsmart you!

Advice To Idiots

Don't take photos of yourselves and your kids by the corpses of beached whales.

Would you take a photo of yourself by road kill?

Use some common sense for heaven's sake!

Happy Burn's Night!

Happy Burn's Night to all my Scottish friends.

Advice To Avast and Microsoft

Please fix the conflict between your two systems, as I am fed up with seeing "start and Cortana critical error" when I activate Windows 10.

Wanting vs Willing

There is a vast difference between wanting to do something, and willing to do something.

Advice To The BBC Re Top Gear

When hiring new presenters of Top Gear, make sure they don't suffer from car sickness!

The Twitter Outage

Did the sun fail to rise?

Did the earth stop spinning on its axis?

No!

Get over the Twitter outage!

Blue Monday

The media would have us believe that today is "Blue Monday", the most depressing day of the year.

In the event that you feel this to be the case the solution is simple, stay in bed and sleep your way through it until Tuesday dawns.

Simples!

Porridge

Never disturb me when I am eating my porridge!

Advice To The U.S. Navy

Use compasses and oars when sailing small craft in the Persian Gulf.

Porridge

On such a chilly day, it is advisable to increase your porridge consumption.

Weakness vs Playing Politics

Weakness and playing politics are two sides of the same coin.