Suppliers

The phrase "the customer is king" is only half of the story. Suppliers need to be treated with care and attention as well, piss them off and you will screw your business up.

Astrology

Utter bollocks!

Advice To Voters

Don't vote for politicians with religious beliefs.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Prime Ministers who have never seen military service should not be so relaxed about wasting the lives of their armed forces on foreign follies.

Turkey

A turkey is for life, not just Christmas.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Voters don't like ditherers.

World Class

Whenever I hear the phrase "world class", I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

Christmas

Christmas is for wants, not needs.

Ignorance

No matter how many "celebrities" would have you believe it, it is not clever to be ignorant.

Friends and Enemies

Be nice to your enemies, in case your friends turn out to be bastards.

Governments

Governments have experience of management, they only have experience of policy. That is why governments fail.

Meetings

Beware those who seek to hold important meetings at awkward times or awkward places.

Mediocrity

Mediocrity does not cut the mustard in a competitive environment.

Driving The Message Home

Sometimes the most effective method of driving a message home is via short sharp bullet points, driven home with a sledge hammer.

Partisan Politics

Partisan politics allows the voice of the individual to be heard.

Religion

Those who complain vociferously about jokes made against their religion may not in fact have the depth of faith, or confidence in their religion, that they profess to have.

Threats

The best and most effective of threats are those couched in the language of diplomacy.

Violence

Those who are forced to resort to violence in order to achieve an objective have already lost.

Advice To Former Prime Ministers

Repeatedly saying "I did the right thing" does not necessarily mean that you did.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Possessing and demonstrating a "volcanic temper", when thing go wrong, is not sufficient to prove that you are worthy to be Prime Minister.

The Darkness

People should never be afraid of embracing the darkness, the universe began dark and will end dark.

Advice To Prime Ministers

When you proudly boast that you and your party hold the moral high ground, it is advisable to make sure that reality matches your proud boasts.

Being Unreasonable

When being reasonable has no effect, being unreasonable can be a most effective means for effectuating change and improvement in organisations and with individuals.

Self Assessment

Self assessment and analysis is a useful tool, public self assessment and analysis is not.

Call Centres

There is only one thing more annoying than having to use an outsourced, foreign based call centre and that is being put on hold by an outsourced, foreign based call centre.

Advice To Presidents

When you use your financial institutions and currency as a diplomatic weapon, don't be surprised when that policy revisits you to bite you in the arse in the form of a collapsing currency.

Advice To Prime Ministers

When you lose the data records of 25 million people, and put them at long term risk of identity theft and fraud, the time has come to step down.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Don't forget that you were responsible for HMRC for the last 10 years.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Prime Ministers who try to micro manage their cabinet colleagues, will find themselves micro managed out of office in a very short space of time.

Rocking The Boat

If the boat isn't rocking, then rock the boat.

Open Hands

Conduct your business affairs with "open hands", only when the other party does not reciprocate should you walk away.

Doctors

The "butchers' profession" should not sit in judgement on people's lifestyles.

Glory

Glory is fleeting, obscurity lasts forever.

Wars

Politicians start wars.

However, they don't finish them.

Gratification

Beware the lure of instant gratification, in the end you will become sensitised to life's simple pleasures and miserable; nothing will ever satisfy you.

Charts

Chart your own course in life, never let others try to guide you or blow you off course.

Enemies

Wish your enemies a long life, so that they may witness all your achievements and victories.

Cold Callers

Scum of the earth.

Rewards

Beware the phrase "rewarded by satisfaction", it means you are paid nowt.

Rest

An individual may rest, mankind should not.

Silence

Beware the company or businessman that becomes uncharacteristically silent, and does not respond to emails or phone calls.

Dining

The most effective discussions, and profitable deals can be held and concluded whilst dining.

The Rules For Wars About Oil

It's not about oil!

Action Plans

Action plans without deadlines are not worth the paper that they are printed on.

Unilateralism

Beware unilateralist presidents playing the multilateralist card.

Organisations

An organisation is only as good as its most stupid member of staff.

Risk

The more risk you take, the more alive you really are.

Warning Signs

Beware the politician who uses the word "force" when referring to policy initiatives.

Great Con Tricks of the 21st Century

Cash back schemes offered by mobile phone companies.

Casualties of War

Governments measure the success of a military operation by how few civilians have been killed. Civilians measure the failure of a military operation by how many civilians have been killed.

Moral Absolutes

A country that defines its domestic and foreign policy on the basis of moral absolutes sows the seeds of its own destruction.

Tolerance

It is regrettable that some countries, which loudly proclaim to the world that they are the bastions of free speech and democracy, contain so many people who are remarkably intolerant of diverse political and religious opinions.

Such countries should look to their own failings, before telling others how they should structure themselves.

Companies

Companies do not run themselves on autopilot, directors need to be proactive and direct.

Advice To MBNA Credit Cards

It really pisses people off to be called more than ten times in a fortnight by your call centre, just to be told about a new product.

Budgets

A company without a budget is like a ship without a compass, it will end up going nowhere very quickly.

Old Friendships

One of the great advantages of friendships that have lasted decades, is that you know and trust each other.

However, one of the great disadvantages of such a long lasting friendship is that you cannot "hide" your thoughts/failings.

Small Steps

Sometimes small steps are just as, or even more, effective as giant leaps when striving to achieve an objective.

Total Recall

Politicians who claim not to recall a significant incident/decision are lying through their teeth, and should be removed from office with expediency.

Religion

Religion should never be used an excuse for intolerance or spreading hatred.

Deal Breakers

People who think they are being "clever" when they try to cut someone else out of a deal gain nothing in the long run, their short term greed ensures that they cut themselves out of all future deals.

Double Cross

A man that tries to double cross you, double crosses himself. He will be exposed for the charlatan that he is, and justice will prevail.

Saints

There is no such thing as a saint, even dead princesses are not saints, everyone has a dark side.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Just because the media all claim that a general election is about to be called, don't fall for the hype.

Advice To Directors

Directors who do not maintain a "finger on the pulse" of their business, soon find that their business does not have a pulse.

Humanity

You can't imprison humanity for one indvidual's failing.

Directors

Directors who are "out of the loop" in their own companies are of no use to man nor beast.

Advice To Retailers

Don't piss off customers who run websites.

Regime Change

An intellectually bankrupt policy of regime change is as evil as the regime that it seeks to change.

Advice To Presidents

Presidents who do not realise that their time is up, are of no use to man nor beast.

Advice To Presidents

Absent minded Attorney Generals are of no use to man nor beast.

Deals

Walk away from deals that do not feel right.

Emotions

Whilst the release of emotions may be very healthy for the person doing the "releasing", it may not be so healthy for those in the vicinity of the person releasing his/her emotions.

Great Lies of the 21st Century

Products that call themselves "shampoo and conditioner".

Victory

Victory, after a defeat, tastes all the more sweeter.

Making Money

In order to make money learn from the fisherman, in order for him to make his catch he must first set the fish in motion.

Opposition

The destruction of those who oppose you should be carried out at your pace, not theirs.

Fun

Make sure that you have some serious fun in this life, there is nothing to come afterwards.

Creativity

When you are creating a work of art, don't fight the outcome.

Dogs

Dogs that bite the hands of those that offer them kindness, should be spurned with the same level of urgency as if they had rabies.

Crusts

The sign of a truly decadent society is when people habitually throw away their crusts uneaten.

Eat you crusts!

Gordian Knots

Gordian knots should be cut, not untied.

The Net

Be warned that given the ongoing rate of growth, the infrastructure of the internet as it currently stands will not be able to cope and as such it will simply grind to halt one day.

Advice To Presidents

When all your colleagues/"friends" have resigned, leaving you the last man standing, you're next.

Patriotism

Aged leaders often tell their people that patriotism often requires a blood sacrifice.

Why does this sacrifice invariably involve the young?

Funerals

Funerals attract enemies as well as friends.

Little Men

Pathetic, small minded little men holding low bureaucratic positions, where they can exercise limited bureaucratic power over others, will use their power to maximum effect over others whose lives they envy but can never have.

Schedules

Never allow yourself to become a victim of someone else's schedule adjustments and changes of plan.

God

Those who believe in God claim that he made us in his image, the trouble with many religions is that they do their best to make God in their image.

Hierarchy

The higher you get in an organisation, the fewer the number of idiots above you.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We inspect these facilities regularly."

Advice To Directors

Directors who comfort themselves with past glories, whilst presiding over a spate of losses, are not fit for office.

Time Travel

Those people who claim that time travel is not possible are wrong.

Take trip to your local post office, once inside the building you are instantaneously transported back to the 1950's.

Advice To Presidents

Stubbornness does not equate to leadership.

Choice

The more choice, the more decisions.

Thinking Outside of The Box

Think outside of the box if you wish to achieve total victory.

The Joke of The Millennium

Tony Blair acting as Middle East peace envoy.

Contracts

Never sign a contract that you are not happy with.

Should your gut tell you to walk away, then walk away; never be afraid of walking away.

Money and Boils

In business, arguments over money are much like the appearance of an unwelcome boil.

As such, they should be dealt with promptly and swiftly lanced.

Optimism

Optimism is often kicked in the nuts by history.

Cornish Pasties

It is unwise to eat Cornish pasties in bed.

Denial

Countries that deny their past are destined to repeat it.

Needs vs Wants

Western society is currently too fixated on wants, thus distorting people's ambitions/aspirations and the products/services provided by the market to meet those wants.

Western society would do better to focus more of its attention on needs.

Politicians

It is important to kick politicians in the nuts once every so often, so that they don't get above themselves.

Manipulation

Manipulation of people or events is best practised by those with the prerequisite skills of empathy, guile, intelligence, political savvy and foresight.

Those who do not possess these skills should steer well clear of trying to manipulate others; as their scheming is clearly visible, and their reputations irreversibly damaged.

The Timing of Calls

Those who make business calls at 02:00AM, expecting the recipient to welcome the call and be capable of conducting a rational discussion, clearly have lost touch with reality.

Apologies

Never apologise for something that was not of your doing.

Gordon Brown

Brown has attempted to spin that he is offering "change".

So far the public, and the media, seem to have bought into the spin.

However, the reality that he is not offering any change whatsoever will soon hit home; when it is realised that the troops in Iraq are not coming home anytime soon.

Irritants

Irritants often beget pearls.

Young and Old

Those who claim that there is no similarity between the young and the old are wrong.

Young people and old people are often in a hurry to complete a task, beware an old/young person in a hurry.

Plans

The best laid plans of mice and men are often screwed up by the intervention of lawyers.

Gordon Brown

Gordon Brown has just achieved his life's ambition, and been anointed Prime Minister.

One would have expected him to look happy, healthy and energised in the first few weeks in office.

The question therefore arises, why does he look so ill and so obviously unhealthy?

Advice To Service Providers

Don't claim that your "engineers are working around the clock" to fix a problem that has been in existence for over four weeks.

It just doesn't ring true!

Suicide Bombing

Why is it that the young are the ones required to sacrifice their lives for the alleged "noble" cause created by old men who sleep safely in their beds?

Advice To Politicians

Don't allow yourselves to be portrayed as morally "superior" to the rest of humanity, we are all human and subject to the same human failings and indiscretions.

At some stage the "morally superior" politician's indiscretions will come out.

People need human beings to lead them, not puritans.

Freedom

Freedom is never given to people, it has to be fought for and defended.

Professionals

When enlisting the services of a "professional", eg lawyer or accountant, it is always wise to check that they are suitably qualified.

There are some people who call themselves lawyers and accountants, yet they have no recognisable qualification whatsoever.

Relying On Others

Don't rely on individuals or organisations who have let you down in the past.

Advice To Water Companies

Don't keep cutting the water supply of website owners off, it irks them!

Advice To Holidaymakers

Going on holiday does not absent you from your moral obligation to maintain your personal hygiene.

Sports Shops

Shops that merely sell wall upon wall of trainers should not describe themselves as sports shops.

Advice To Presidents

No one is above the law, not even the President or friends of the President.

Happiness

True sustainable happiness cannot be derived from transitory pleasures, such as consumerism or driving a luxury car, it can only be derived and sustained from long term friendships, relationships and meaningful interactions with fellow human beings.

Advice To Politicians

Don't forget those who voted you into office.

Directors

Directors should not passively react to events, but should take charge and shape their company's destiny.

Integrity

Never squander your integrity.

Advice To New Prime Ministers

In the event that you find yourself elevated to the office of Prime Minister, without having been elected by either your own party or the voters, don't assume you will remain in office for an indefinite period of time.

Advice To Politicians

After ten years in office, don't claim that you are now in "listening mode"; it is too little too late, and no one will believe you.

Advice To Crane Operators

Make sure that you have properly bolted the crane together, before attempting to operate it.

Vacuum

No one can operate and act in a vacuum, our actions have consequences for good or ill.

Hospital

It is a sad fact of life that you need to be fit and alert to go to be able to look after yourself, and fend for yourself, when admitted to hosptial.

Advice To Hospitals

When an X ray of a patient shows a broken or fractured bone, tell the patient before discharging them.

Funding

Never rely on vague promises when it comes to seeking funding for a project or business venture. Always ensure that the funding is really available, and that the person promising it has a good track record on delivering what they promise.

Stuff

It is the nature of life that, much like buses, a lot of stuff comes along all at the same time.

Politicians

Those politicians who, in their youth, dodged the draft have no moral authority to order young men and women to war.

Risk Assessments

Whenever I hear the phrase "risk assessment" I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

These "risk assessments" are invariably excuses for petty minded bureaucrats to foist an encyclopedia of unnecessary rules and restrictions on people and organisations, without any thought for the consequences.

Air Fresheners

A major con trick by manufacturers, foisted on the gullible.

Save your money and save the environment, open a window instead!

Satisfaction

There is nothing more satisfying in the world to see than a political party, that has perverted its views to garner support from religious bigots and political fanatics, tear itself apart as its policies (both domestic and international) are seen by all the world to fail.

Advice To Mobile Phone Users

When tempted to talk loudly in a public place (eg train or bus) on your mobile, shut the fark up!

Monday Morning Blues

Banish those Monday morning blues by belting out "Ode To Joy" at full volume.

Hope

Whenever I hear the word "hope" used by management, when discussing their prospects and business plans, I immediately reach for my sick bag.

Advice To Pundits

Don't publicly accuse organisations and individuals of crimes, if you don't have the evidence to back up your claims.

Advice To Vice Presidents

Given your sworn oath to uphold the law, it is unwise to say that you hope that a recently sentenced ex colleague "gets off".

This sends the wrong message, and implies that you don't in fact have any respect for the law.

Advice To Presidents

Your time is up when your associates start to be jailed.

Problems

Those who look for problems, and see difficulties at every decision point in their life, end up doing nothing.

Be bold!

Self Indulgence

Always ensure that you spend some part of each year being indulged by others. Self indulgence ensures that are better able to indulge and help others in the future.

Drawing a Line

Each man must draw his own line in the sand, then stand by it.

Stupidity

You cannot legislate against stupidity.

The British Weather

Under no circumstances plan a barbecue more than 24 hours ahead, long term planning of more than 24 hours will always guarantee rain.

Obsession

Who is to judge what is obsession and what is genius?

Advice To Mobile Phone Users

Don't give your credit card details out when using a mobile phone in a crowded train.

God

If God exists, why was there a several billion year gap between the creation of the universe and the creation of man?

Advice To Politicians

Don't give your real name when using hookers.

Wisdom

Far too often wisdom comes to a man when it is too late in his life for him to be able to apply it, and redeem the mistakes of the past.

Should this be a cause for regret?

No!

It shows that he is still growing and adapting to life's challenges, ie it shows that he is still very much alive.

Advice To Hotels

When answering reservations enquiries, read the enquiry first before answering it.

Murder vs Assassination

Just how important do you have to be, before your murder is announced as an assassination?

The Snail

Do not despise the snail for its speed and shape, for it carries its sorrows in its shell with dignity and fortitude.

Advice To Restaurants

T bone steaks, for the description to be accurate, require a bone in them.

Deadlines

Never accept a deadline that you feel that you cannot meet. A missed deadline is an abomination.

Fish

Fish should not smell of fish.

Elitist

Elitist is a word used by the lazy and ignorant who find a subject too difficult to do.

Doomsayers

Those who foretell the end of the world (plague, war, famine, global warming etc) may, in the long run be proven to be correct. However, as John Maynard Keynes once said:

"In the long run we are all dead."

Mankind is best served by working on the assumption that we will still be here tomorrow. Those who plan for Armageddon are merely encouraging it, and wishing their lives away.

Networking Events

Generally these are a waste of time, all that happens is that a group of salesmen gather to sell each other their unwanted products and services.

The Dream

No matter how beguiling the dream there must come a day, after years of fruitless pursuit, when you must consider abandoning it.

Light

There is no light without darkness.

Politicians

Whenever I hear a politician say "I welcome this report", I instinctively reach for the sick bag.

People

Always keep your opinions of people apart from what they do.

Decisions

Retrospective analyses of decisions made will avail you nothing. The decision, once made, has been made.

Live with the consequences.

Religion

Mankind's need for religion will end when mankind evolves.

Demonstrate

Don't demonstrate or act, just be.

Directors

Absentee directors are of no use to man nor beast.

Advice To Ex Members of Political Administrations

Shut the fark up!

Fancy Shoes

It is a statistical fact that those who wear fancy shoes tend to be more likely to commit fraud than those who don't.

Politicians

Beware the politicians who hide behind a date some years in the future. They are banking on either their party being out of office by then, or on being promoted.

Resolving Problems

It is unwise to publicly state, with a fanfare or publicity, that a problem is resolved when it is not.

Pointy Shoes

You can never go wrong with pointy shoes.

Learn To Say No

When confronted with a request that you cannot comply with, it is best to say no immediately rather than procrastinate.

Procrastination and delay will cause problems later, when you are eventually forced to say no.

Commitments

When writing an email, or letter, never commit to doing something that you don't intend to do.

Failure to follow through on a promised course of action will come back to bite you in the arse.

Local Councils

A pox upon local councils everywhere.

Diplomacy

Diplomacy is best left to the diplomats, and best conducted via diplomatic channels rather than publicly in the media.

Questions

No question is ever stupid, only those who claim that a question is stupid should be called stupid.

Flags

A country with no flag is a country with no future.

Treasury Departments

Treasury deprtments should not dictate foregin policy.

Banks

Banks only like to lend to people who don't need the money.

The Truth

The truth has an annoying habit of emerging at the most inconvenient of times; it is best not to try to hide from the truth.

The End Days

The end days of an incompetent and inept administration are always a joy to behold, as the members of that failed administration publicly turn on each other.

Proof, if it were needed, of the validity of that old saying:

"What goes around, comes around."

The Game

When the game is cold, walk away.

Flood

A flood or words rarely contains more than a drop of wisdom.

Dogs

Sometimes it is wise to give a dog some slack on his lead, and let him take the initiative, just to see where he goes.

The Price of Freedom

The price of freedom should not be paid for with the blood of the young.

Trust

There is no shame in trusting someone on occasions, sometimes trust is necessary to get things done.

Insects

Never trust insects.

Fish

It is unwise to cook fish on a plane.

History

You can no more change history, than you can disinvent the atomic bomb.

Prisoners

We are all prisoners.

Those who realise it, suffer the most.

Change Managers

Beware the Change Manager, he is in effect an overpaid consultant brought in by ineffective management unable and unwilling to do their jobs.

Advice To Diplomats

When putting together a breakthrough diplomatic deal, that involves the transfer of money, make sure that you communicate your plan to the banks involved first.

Advice To Airlines

Develop an effective method of frying an egg.

Sacrifice

Only through struggle and sacrifice can we come to know our true selves, and recognise who our true friends really are.

Evil

Evil casts its shadow on the world in many forms.

Beware the neatly packaged soundbite financed by wealthy oligarchs, keen to impose their view of the perfect world order on their fellow human beings.

Core Values

Those Republicans that claim to hold the party's and country's core values of freedom of speech and action dear, yet advocate repression and bigotry should be spurned as one would spurn a rabid dog.

Patriots

Those that claim to be patriots protecting their country, yet advocate restrictions on freedom of choice and lifestyles, are the public face of an evil and oppressive cabal, that should be eradicated like a plague.

The Future

The future is the undiscovered country, so easily lost lost in the fog of political intrigue and deception.

The Future

Mankind lives for the future, in the belief that the future is the undiscovered country.

Yet those that rule us, choose to indulge themselves in the pleasures of the present.

Firewalls

Firewalls make you look foolish.

Schadenfreude

Why waste time trying to pronounce, or spell this word, when in fact you mean "gloating".

Advice To Politvcal Fall Guys

When your boss hangs you out to dry in court, drop him and his superiors in it by revealing every shabby detail of their corrupt behaviour that you know.

You have nothing to lose.

Advice To World Leaders

In the event that you talk to God, it is best not to tell anyone. Otherwise the voters might just ask you if God answers back.

Your answer, might make you look rather foolish or mentally unstable.

Advice To Foreign Journalists

When seeking to conduct an interview, try to remember that the world is divided into different time zones.

Leaders Who Cry Wolf

Those leaders whose claims of threats and enemies, which turn out to be fabrications and lies, end up losing their credibility and authority.

Accusations

Never publicly accuse someone of being unethical or conducting illegal activities if you don't have firm evidence to back up your claim, that will withstand close scrutiny.

The costs of making false accusations can be immeasurable.

Queues

Why waste time queuing, when you can pay someone else to queue for you?

No Is Not An Answer

When a company says "No" to a request, or says that they don't do what you want them to do, don't take no for an answer.

Make them explain why they won't do it, and threaten to take your custom elsewhere.

Reluctant Kings

Beware the reluctant king, he is usually the one with the burning ambition.

Call Centres

Why do call centres waste callers time, by spending the opening minutes of a call playing a recoding advising the hapless caller to use the company website?

The Average Wage

Not enough to make you feel valued, but just enough to make you come crawling back for more.

Call Centres

It is inadvisable to discuss financial matters with a call centre, when pissed out of your brain.

Cat Vomit

When a cat vomits on your duvet, take it as a good omen for the future. The animal is cleansing himself and, by the fact that you have to clean the duvet, cleansing the duvet too.

Growth

For growth to occur, a forest must be destroyed.

Mouses and Houses

The plural of mouse is mice, why is not the plural of house hice?

Empires

Those countries that seek to run empires without trying to understand the people that they rule, will most certainly fail.

Flying

When flying, always wear generously cut trousers.

Negotiations

When negotiating, it helps if those parties not directly involved in the day to day negotiations keep their mouths shut whilst the negotiations are in progress.

Hard Times

Enduring and overcoming hard times validates and strengthens relationships, both business and personal.

Negotiations

Administrators, pen pushers and bureaucrats who do not mix with the normal human race should not be put in charge of sensitive negotiations.

Unwanted Downloads

Those of you who find that their pc's slow down at critical moments, owing to the machine deciding to download an update to some existing software, may find the following solution invaluable.

Take an axe to it.

That will teach it!

No Winners

Whenever the phrase "there were no winners" is used, you can be sure that the person saying this actually means "we lost".

At The Table

Sometimes it is better to be at the table talking, and getting nowhere, rather than to stop talking altogether.

Meetings

Forget about reading the formal minutes of meetings; instead, ask each participant to provide a summary of the meeting from their perspective.

Confidence Building

Confidence building in education should not be an end in itself.

Target Practice

If people are shooting at you, then you know that you are doing something right.

Hope

Hope should not form any part of a business plan or company strategy.

Politicians

Beware the politician who says that he will leave office at an unspecified date many months into the future.

That politician has no intention of leaving office.

Quotes

When asking for a quote for a service or product, always make sure that you know exactly what you want before requesting a quote.

Customer Relations Department

Customer Relations Department=Department of Obfuscation and Delays

Alliances of Moderation

So called "alliances of moderation" should not include extremists, dictatorships and bigots.

Departing Presidents and Prime Ministers

Beware departing presidents and prime minister with legacies to embellish.

Photo Shoots

Never do photo shoots during the Christmas gorging period.

Tents

It is far better to have people inside the tent pissing out, rather than have them outside the tent pissing in.

Quotations

Don't ask people or companies to provide you with a quotation for goods or services, knowing that you do not have the means to pay for them.

Drawing Conclusions

Sometimes it is better to allow a person, or organisation, to draw the correct conclusion at their own pace rather than to force the issue at your pace.

Moral Clarity

Whenever I hear the phrase "moral clarity", I instinctively reach for my revolver.

Sanctions

Sanctions are the most effective method of unifying a country, and strengthening the leadership of that country.

Don't believe me?

Just ask Fidel Castro.

Great Contradictions of The 21st Century

Customer care help centres.