Colonic Matters

Why are all my regular spammers now focusing on offering me colonic irrigation?

Christmas Lights

Why do Christmas lights invariably come on a loop, instead of a one straight length of cable?

This makes them very unwieldy.

The End of The Year

As the end of year approaches, it is comforting to know that there are less than ten spamming days left in 2011 whereby I can be told by strangers that my penis is remarkably small!

Great Lies of Today - Train Fare Increases

"Money raised by increased fares helps pay for new trains, faster services and better stations."

ROFLOL!!!

The Wisdom of The Nightingale

The nightingale does not waste its breath trying to sing, when it knows that its song will be drowned by the cackle of crows.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Eva's earrings are not cat toys.

Advice To Politicians

Please leave the country.

Winter

Hail and wind one day, sunshine the next.

Only in Britain!

Advice To Virgin Media

Please sort out the ongoing technical problems with your broadband and TV service in my area!

Advice To Parliament

Calm down "dears", Cameron hasn't vetoed anything; he has merely not signed up to something.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Why don't you go and play with the nice "Teddy Bear" cat that comes to visit the garden everyday?

It's rude just to sit and ignore him/her!

Advice To Sarkozy and The Eurozone

Size is not everything.

Less is often more!

Euroflummery

Another day, another crucial Euro summit to save the Euro.

Be still my beating heart!

Advice To Angela Merkel

For heaven's sake don't try to create a new EU treaty, in the vain hope that the markets will sit quietly by whilst the "leaders" of Europe pull your proposals apart.

Work with what you've got, and think outside of the box!

A Question For The People of Europe

When did we elect Angela Merkel Chancellor of Europe?

Advice To Majestic Wine

It is unwise to have non accessible pages on your site (eg the Champagne page) in the run up to Christmas.

Advice To Angela Merkel

You don't have years to resolve the Euro crisis!

Advice To Eurozone "Leaders"

Stop publicly falling over yourselves contradicting what each other says.

Advice To Z List Celebs

Orange is the natural colour of the flesh of the fruit called an "Orange", not the natural colour of human flesh.

Happy Autmun Statement Day!

Today is Autumn Statement Day, be still my beating heart!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Don't eat the string binding that was used to hold the smoked ham in one piece whilst I boiled it yesterday, you will end up with indigestion!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you think you are about to have a fur ball, please go into the garden for a "breath of air" rather than sit on our Chinese rug looking queezy.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The new cat neighbour, who now visits our garden, is no danger to you. He/she is just extremely large, but appears to be very passive.

Shouldn't vs Wouldn't

There is a world of difference between "shouldn't happen" and "won't happen".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please don't stick your head into the sour cream pot on the dining table, when we are still using it!

Strategy

Those who proudly proclaim that they are "managing a problem" actually mean that they have no policy or strategy for resolving that problem.

Advice To Self

Chili loaded potato skins followed by chicken curry is an unwise combination!

Advice To The BMA

Look to your own unhealthy habits, before telling others how to live their lives.

Advice To Morrisons

"Zesty lemons" (as per your description of them) are all very well, if it is only the zest that you want. However, most people want a lemon that actually produces some juice.

Another Week

Another week crashes upon us imposing a feeling of grey, chilling foreboding.

Today's Word

Today's word is "clusterfuck".

Advice To "Chefs"

Don't "pre portion" your food and use that as an excuse not to be able to serve customers with the food combination that they actually want.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please dry your paws before you walk on my head when I am sleeping in bed.

Advice To Olympus

Just because you are named after a location in Greece, there is no need to emulate the fraudulent business practices of that country!

Question To Eurozone "Leaders"

What fresh instabilities will you be inflicting on the markets and the global economy this week?

Advice To George Papandreou

Leave office with some dignity, before you are pushed out.

Advice To The G20

Given worldwide economic meltdown, was Cannes (the symbol of all that is opulent and extravagant) such a wise choice of venue for your meeting?

Advice To Eurozone "Leaders"

You can't impose economic policy on another country and its people by diktat or bureaucratic occupation of its ministries.

Advice To Trick and Treaters

When I turn off my doorbell it means that I don't want you to knock on the door either.

Putting The Clocks Back

An annoying inconvenience that is highly disruptive to one's body clock.

Question For Eurozone "Leaders"

Where's the money coming from?

Markets

Markets give, markets take.

It was ever thus!

Further Advice To Purveyors of Fireworks

It's "Fawkes" not "Forks"!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe/wash your bottom before jumping up and down on my white duvet cover.

Advice To Purveyors of Fireworks

"Fawkes" has an "e" in it!

Advice To Morrisons

Given that you open your stores at 7:00AM, it would be rather nice if managed to have your shelves properly stocked by 8:00AM

Advice To Cyclists Wearing Ray-Bans On Dark October Mornings

Take them off, so that you can see red lights and therefore stand a better chance of not riding through them when I am crossing the road.

Advice To The "Leaders" of The Eurozone

Making it up as you go along is not an effective economic policy, nor does it inspire confidence in your "leadership".

Advice To The "Leaders" of The Eurozone

Dithering is not an effective or viable economic policy.

Advice To Energy Companies

Don't be so farking greedy!

Advice To Self

Don't try to do Forex calculations when labouring with a hangover.

Advice To The USA

Don't start a trade/currency war with China, there are more than enough "hot" wars going on in the world as it is.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Miaowing at your food won't change its flavour.

Today's Word

Today's word is "vajazzle".

The Bad Apple

Wwe all kn ow that one bad apple can ruin the barrel of apples.

However, what if the barrel itself is bad?

Question for EU "Leaders"

When, because of your dithering, the people of Europe are unable to draw money out of ATMs (when the banking system collapses) what will you do then?

Advice To David Cameron

Advising people in a consumer based economy, which is suffering a recession, to pay off their credit cards will kill any chance of a recovery stone dead.

Like it or not, the economy is underpinned by consumer spending fuelled by debt.

Advice To BT

When your broadband service collapses, don't have your "helpline" advise customers to logon to BT.com if they can't get through on the phone!

Democracy

Democracy only works if the people know that at the end of a period of time (eg 3-5 years) they can kick the "bastards" out of office.

Europe, by the fact that unelected officials can impose financial restrictions and bureaucratic rules on member states, fails the "democracy test".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Today's visit to the vet was for your benefit (for your annual health check and flu jab)..honest!!!

Advice To EU Politicians

Your hubris has real consequences.

Just ask the people of Greece!

Don't Fall For The Hype

The endless rumours about an EU deal to bailout Greece and ringfence other EU countries are being spread by people with an interest in talking the markets up long enough for a decent close on their month end trading accounts, and by a gullible media.

Don't fall for the hype!

Don't Believe The Hype

Europe's politicians are not really trying to save the Euro or Greece, but are in fact purely interested in saving themselves.

Advice To The IMF/EU

Don't leak half baked bailout plans over the weekend. The markets will tear them to pieces on Monday.

Advice To European Politicians

Like it or not, capitalist economies work in a manner similar to a Ponzi scheme. Remove the hope/confidence that the future is bright, by failing to provide leadership, and you effectively cut the legs off from under the economy.

Advice To The Greek Cabinet

You can't milk a cow that hasn't been fed.

Give Someone a Hug Today

Advice To The People of Europe

We are being "governed" by a political "elite" whose vision of how the world works (or should work in their minds) has been shattered. Hence they are displaying symptoms of shock and depression, and are a danger to themselves and us.

Smoke and Mirrors

Beware the politician who promises to recruit more public sector staff during a recession, the reality is that the "new" staff will be reallocated from other existing positions.

Bankers

Beware central bankers bearing gifts!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Since when do cats eat broccoli?

Farking Typical!

Now that the main "heat" of the summer has gone, the sun finally chooses to shine brightly without being hindered by rain and wind.

Advice To Blogger

Please sort your system out, it is playing  silly buggers today.

Presidents and Kings

When presidents and kings die/leave office, their oaths/promises die with them.

Advice From My Cat To Humans

Don't hoard cats!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Staring at me in bed in the early morning, to try to make me get up to feed you, doesn't work.

Vision

A clouded mind sees nothing.

Advice To Attention Seeking Polticians

Don't call your boss "gutless".

Great Con Tricks of The 21st Century

Scented mood candles.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

It is unwise to stand on your two backlegs on the top of a chair, propping yourself up against the wall near the spiral staircase, when chasing a moth.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Many thanks for ridding the house of living moths. However, please could you advise us as to where you have left the corpses?

The British Summer

Was that it then??

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your fly catching skills are appreciated. However, please could you clean up the corpses after you have finished playing with them.

Risk

Life without risk is meaningless.

Advice To UK Politicians

Don't get prisoners to do your DIY.

Politics and Markets

Politics and markets do not run at the same speed.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Throwing yourself at the front door is not an effective means of opening it!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You are not a bird, and therefore do should not try to make a nest in foliage.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Why do you insist on dragging your food out of your bowl, and eating it off the newly cleaned kitchen floor?

Moral Decay II

Is it really "moral decay", if looters form orderly queues outside of shops that they are looting?

Moral Decay

Whenever I hear a politician talk about "moral decay" I instinctively reach for my sick-bag.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Thank you for bringing me a half dead fly in your mouth yesterday, and dropping it at my feet. However, please be assured that I have sufficient food in the house and am in no need of supplementing my diet with Bluebottles.

Advice To UK Politicians

Shutting down social networking sites during times of "unrest" is exactly what the dictators that you criticise do.

Rain

Nice to see that rain in summer can occasionally be a welcome relief, especially if you live in an area blighted by riots.

Greed

The riots show that avarice and greed crosses all social and cultural barriers, and is not just the provenance of bankers.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Do you really need to wake me in the middle of the night to show me the half eaten corpse of a moth that you have caught?

Advice To The Board ofThe ECB

Don't lose your day jobs!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Why do you let your cat friends come in and eat your food, then moan at me because your plate is empty?

The British Summer

The British summer appears to be ending, very much as it began, with torrential rain!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Given that you have the entire house to choose from, with a myriad of cosy places to sleep, why do you choose my office chair for your early morning nap and then look daggers at me when I move you?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

If you must chase and then bring in half dead moths into the house to play with, please could you at least eat them instead of leaving them flapping around on the floor?

Question For My Cat

Why do you not like Felix Sensations, and refuse to eat it, yet you will eat the ordinary Felix food?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The inside of the chimney is not a climbing frame!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop bashing me on my nose and mouth with your paw, when I am trying to sleep at night.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please could you tell your cat friends, who come in and eat your food in the middle of the night, to make a small contribution to the monthly cat food bill.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Don't sit on fences when you are literally falling asleep on your feet!

Today's Word

Today's word is "promulgate".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Don't be afraid and run for cover when you hear the plink plink fizz of Alka Seltzer.

Goodness knows, you have heard that sound often enough!

Where's The Sun?

What happened to the summer this year?

I know that Murdoch closed the News of The World, but did he also shut down the sun as well?

Advice To Rebekah Brooks

Comb your hair!

Advice To News Corp

In your face questions deserve in your face answers!

Advice To The Media

Her name is spelt "Rebekah".

Advice To Politicians

Be careful with your new found "quasi religious zeal" against Murdoch and News International, you were very chummy with him and his companies until recently. Witch hunts unleash forces that you will not be able to control or hide from.

How Not To Use a Gun

Question For News Corp

Is it time to ditch the Murdochs?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please could you tell your gentlemen cat callers not to miaow loudly in the street outside our house at 4am.

Question For Mystic Meg

Why didn't you see that one coming?

Advice To The EU

You can no more hold back the markets, than you can stop the tides ebbing and flowing.

Politics

"No plans" is not the same as "No".

Advice To The News of The World

If the allegations about you hacking the phone of Milly Dowler are true, then I advise you to crawl under a stone and shrivel up and die.

Advice To Chefs

When I ask for some butter with my pate and toast, please don't tell me I don't need it because "there is already fat in the pate"!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you have caught your moth at least put the creature out of its misery quickly by eating it, rather than just patting it around the room.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The smell of curry on my breath does not constitute a threat to you, as such there was no need to run away from me last night when I breathed on you whilst trying to stroke you.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you are in the house during a thunderstorm, running out of the house (because you are scared of a loud clap of thunder) is not necessarily the wisest course of action.

The British Summer

The British summer is a glory to behold, brilliant sunshine streaming through one window and rain battering the other.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The temporary movement of your bowl to another part of the kitchen does not affect the quality or taste of your food in any way.

Weather

It would be nice if it would stop bloody raining long enough for me to light the barbecue at least once more this summer!

Back In The Room

And we're back in the room!

The Longest Day

As is traditional, the longest day in Britain is greeted with rain and wind.

Monday Morning

A grey wet miserable Monday morning crashes down upon us with the depressing regularity of an unloved season.

Advice To Self

Don't drink 3 Irish Coffees before going to bed.

Weather

Where's the bloody summer gone???

Advice To Barclays

The next time you close someone's account, don't charge them for the "privilege" of closing it; you will only end up looking foolish when the FOS tells you to pay the charge back.

Wisdom

Wisdom is achieved when you understand and accept that others may be wiser than you.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I know that it was raining heavily last night, and that meant that you were unable to go out. However, that is no excuse for turning my bed into an indoor adventure playground and trampoline.

Weather

Tis a Friday in June, the day before the weekend, and (as sure as eggs are eggs) it is wet and gloomy!

Advice To The Archbishop of Canterbury

Just because you didn't understand what the Tory policies wrt cutting the deficit were when they campaigned during the election, don't assume that the rest of the electorate didn't.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Our guests have gone home now, they can't hear you miaowing for them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When the windows in the top floor office are open, please do not climb through them onto the roof.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Dumped charcoal ash is not a "sand pit" for you to play in.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Do not be alarmed by the presence of a relative's baby in the house, he is only going to be here for a few days.

Oh My God!

Advice To Steven Moffat

The Daleks never rest!

Advice To FIFA

Learn to recognise a crisis when you are embroiled in one.

Advice To Self

Don't download photo gallery programmes without first reading the terms and conditions!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please don't jump on my stomach in bed in the morning when I have yet to go to the loo.

Advice To Nectar

When sending email newsletters, inviting people to visit your website, it would be wise to ensure that your website is actually working and not down for "maintenance".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The binmen aren't evil, they are not going to attack you.

Advice To Celebrities and London Lawyers

When seeking a "super injunction" don't forget that Scotland is (as far as the legal system concerned) a separate country.

Advice To Self

Think a construction idea through more thoroughly, before asking a builder to come round to quote for it!

Apologies To My Cat

Sorry that the cat food cupboard was bare this morning, aside from some dry food, stocks will be replenished ASAP.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I see that not only have you ignored my advice not to "dally" with the fat neighbourhood Tom, but you now bring him inside for your dalliances!

Please do it outside!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Don't waste your time with that fat Tom cat who calls on you regularly; he is only after one thing, and the vet has fixed it that you cannot have kittens.

The Weather Gods

In keeping with time honoured tradition, having ordered a new barbecue for delivery today the weather gods have decided to piss down upon my home.

Advice To Accounting Professionals

Don't be ashamed of your profession!

Advice To LG

Please make TV's that can actually be turned off by the power switch on the TV, rather than be left permanently on standby unless the mains is turned off.

Leaving a TV on standby wastes power, and presents a fire risk.

A Good Start

My 96 can order of Red Stripe has just been deleivered.

Days do not start better than this!

Happy Europe Day!

Barf!

Purrfectly Purrposterous!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop licking your cut paw, it will never heal otherwise.

Back To The Future - The Retro Keyboard

The Dangers of Fly Swatting

When swatting a fly, beware that you don't inadvertently hit a wasp nest.

Advice To My Boiler

The next time you choose to break down please choose a working day, rather than a long bank holiday weekend!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Brace yourself for a trip to the vet this afternoon, we want him to help your cut paw heal properly.