Air Conditioning

Air conditioning is the devil's invention, it spreads disease and infection faster than a plague ridden rat.

A pox upon air conditioning!

Free yourselves, turn it off and open a window instead!

Sunshine

The sun has finally returned to the UK, marking the start of Pimm's season.

Huzzah!

Question For My Cat

Why, when you know that you are just about to spew forth a furball do you insist on coming in from the garden into the kitchen to spew it forth onto the kitchen floor when I am preparing food?

Advice To Sauna Users

Metal is a very effective conductor of heat. Therefore don't be surprised that you burn yourself if you are foolish enough to wear jewellery, or carry keys into the sauna!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The freshly cooked pieces of gammon placed on your plate were for you to eat, the gammon joint placed on the carving board was not for you to eat!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The ironing board, unlike the vacuum cleaner, is not a threat to your health, safety or restful sleep; therefore there is no need to run away whenever it appears.

Question For My Cat

Why don't you enjoy the vacuum cleaner like the cat above?

Sunshine

Do my eyes deceive me, is that the sun shining?

Surely not!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your bowls are for your food, please do not drag your food out of them onto the floor to eat it.

The Cycle of Life

Last week on the beachfront I was mistaken for some lesser known actor by a hen party, who had their photos taken with me. This week, on the same beachfront, a couple of blokes took exception to my white jacket and trousers and shouted:

"What a cunt!"

Life places you upon a mountain top one day, then throws you into the valley the next!

C'est la vie!

Advice To Hotmail

Fix your server!

Advice To UK Olympic Torchbearers

Carry an umbrella!

Happy Europe Day - Pass The Sick Bag!

Today, apparently, is "Europe Day".

Pass the sick bag someone!

Bank Holidays

Why are bank holidays always so wet and dismal?

Advice To Spammers

Starting your spam with the phrase "This is not spam" simply doesn't cut the mustard!

A Pox Upon This Drought!

A pox upon this accursed drought, during which the rain never ends!

Gravy and Mobile Phones

It is unwise to spill gravy onto a touch screen mobile phone.

Cat Matters

Pussycat pussycat, what big paws you have!

Mondays

Mondays are such tedious gloomy days, far better to start the week on a  Tuesday!

Advice To Our EU Overlords

Don't ask for an increase in your budget when you are proactively imposing austerity on your subjects, and when youth unemployment in Spain exceeds 50%.

Continue to press ahead with that budget demand and it will end in tears!