Title

Ken's Blue Blog
Musings on "the bleedin' obvious"; views on the meaning of life, or anything else that takes my fancy.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Merry Christmas



Merry Christmas and God Jul everyone!

Friday, December 21, 2012

Thursday, December 20, 2012

The Mayan Doomsday Prophecy

Let us be clear the alleged Mayan prophecy, of the end of the world on 21 December 2012, is utter bollocks!

Carry on as normal with your daily lives, absolutely nothing will happen.

Wednesday, December 19, 2012

Advice To Parents

Keep the family warm this winter by telling your kids that the gas meter is a piggy bank.

Monday, December 17, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



There is no roast rib of beef left for you!

Thursday, December 13, 2012

Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Tuesday, December 11, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Please note that the newly arrived Christmas tree is not a cat's climbing frame!

Monday, December 10, 2012

The Way Out

In every situation there is usually a way out.

If there isn't, you are dead.

Friday, December 07, 2012

Friendship

When your friend is dying, the most important thing is to help him/her out right away; then worry about anything else later.

Thursday, December 06, 2012

Modalities

I do not like the word "modalities", it is expunged forthwith from the English language!

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

Advice To The Media

The Duchess of Cambridge is not the first woman in history to become pregnant.

Tuesday, December 04, 2012

Snowed In?

Are you snowed in?

Stuff work, school, shopping, the daily chores or whatever; go out and build a snowman instead!

Monday, December 03, 2012

Friday, November 30, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Freshly laundered jumpers are not placed on the bed for you to sleep on.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

Why Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960 Was Trending

On 16 November I asked why "Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960" was trending on Twitter

The answer is that there are is that there are 6,670,903,752,021,072,936,960 possible Sudoku puzzles.


Wednesday, November 28, 2012

Advice To Business men - The Curse of Xmas

Businessmen beware the curse of Xmas, when everything that can go wrong with your business does go wrong in the run up to Xmas.

More often than not these errors, cock ups and disasters are not noticed until the New Year when it is often too late to resolve them.

Tuesday, November 27, 2012

Sartorial Advice

Just because it's raining there is no need to wear a Mackintosh.

Monday, November 26, 2012

"Ism's"

"Ism's" are the refuges of fools and the fearful.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Thursday, November 22, 2012

Happy Thanksgiving



Happy Thanksgiving to my American chums, and to the good people of America.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Advice To The Church of England

Despite what some of your bishops may say, it matters very much if people laugh at you for rejecting women bishops; because it means that you have become an irrelevance.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

Wisdom

To attain wisdom, first learn to doubt.

Monday, November 19, 2012

Advice To My Girlfriend

Make sure that you are in your Twitter account when tweeting:).

Friday, November 16, 2012

Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960

Does anyone have any idea why "Hay 6.670.903.752.021.072.936.960" is trending on Twitter at the moment?

Thursday, November 15, 2012

Wisdom

A politician's open mouth invariably indicates a closed mind.

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Wisdom

A wise man turns off the road that the he is travelling before he runs out of road.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

The Circle of Life

As sure as eggs are eggs, when a dictator's portrait is "de-hanged" from a wall so the dictator himself is hanged.

Monday, November 12, 2012

Advice To Self

Fatty pork chops, roast spuds, stuffing, half a kilo of brussels and excess gravy served on Sunday evening make a heady combination on Monday morning.

Friday, November 09, 2012

In Praise of Toilets

Kudos to the Korean city of Suwon for acknowledging the importance to all of us of something that we all try to ignore (ie toilets) and opening "the world's first toilet theme park".

The Restroom Cultural Park has a museum displaying Roman style loos, European-style bedpans, and ancient Korean flush toilets, as well as fun facts about human waste and a sculpture garden dedicated to squatting figures.

Thursday, November 08, 2012

Advice To The Republicans

As you unpick the bones of your defeat, don't double down on stupid and embrace the false prophet of extremism!

Wednesday, November 07, 2012

The American Election

Only four more years until the next Presidential election, one can almost hear the political pundits gearing up to speculate on the outcome of that one!

Tuesday, November 06, 2012

Happy US Election Day

My best wishes to the good people of America today as they choose who they wish to lead them for the next four years.

As to whether the newly elected President, whoever it turns out to be, can actually bring about a meaningful improvement in the lives of the people of America and unblock the political gridlock on Capitol Hill remains to be seen.

Monday, November 05, 2012

Happy Bonfire Night



Have an enjoyable and accident free bonfire night everyone.

Friday, November 02, 2012

Thursday, November 01, 2012

Advice To Self

Always check that there are no soft fruits in your trouser back pockets before sitting down.

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Sandy Causes Chaos


People in Britain would do well not to ever moan about the weather here again, given what the USA frequently has to put up with!

Monday, October 29, 2012

Mondays

Start the week as you mean to go on, with a big plateful of roast beef with all the trimmings for lunch.

Friday, October 26, 2012

A Burden Shared

Sharing a burden invariably means spreading the shit around so that one's friends end up being covered in it as well.

Thursday, October 25, 2012

Advice To Gym Changing Room Users

Flush the farking toilet after you have used it. No one else wishes to view your urine samples or faecal matter!

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



My head is not a pillow for you to rest on when I am sleeping.

Monday, October 22, 2012

Friday, October 19, 2012

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Advice To Perfume Advertisers

How about, for once, creating an advert that people can fucking understand and that has at least some vague relevance to the bottles of scented cat's piss that you are trying to sell at extortionate prices!

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

Sound Business Advice

Turnover is vanity,
Profit is sanity,
Cash is reality!

Monday, October 15, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Your "cat circus" performance of jumping, running and other assorted gymnastics is very good. However, please could you not do it on our bed at 4AM.

Saturday, October 13, 2012

Friday, October 12, 2012

Hooray For Alcohol!



Alcohol: the cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems!

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

Thanks To My Cat



Thank you for lending me one of your soft toys for use as a wrist rest to ease my RSI when using my computer.

Tuesday, October 09, 2012

Rain

The weather forecast said that the next few days were to be bright and warmer.

The reality?

Pissing down, grey and cold!

Do not trust the forecasters.

Monday, October 08, 2012

Log Fire

I award myself 2/10 for last night's pathetic effort at building a log fire, much smoke but precious little flame and heat.

Must do better next time!

Friday, October 05, 2012

Thursday, October 04, 2012

Advice To Barmen

Make sure you insert the right credit/debit card in the payment machine and hand it to the right person, lest they end up blocking the card by entering their pin number on someone else's card!

Wednesday, October 03, 2012

Advice To Self

Don't wear a Drizabone heavy coat when carrying a net of logs up a very steep hill!

Tuesday, October 02, 2012

Advice To Businessmen

A moribund website is synonymous with a moribund company.

Monday, October 01, 2012

Apologies To My Cat



Apologies for running out of your food pouches, new stocks will be delivered tomorrow.

In the meantime, I trust that a tin of corned beef and 2kg of Iams is sufficient?

Friday, September 28, 2012

The Darkness

The darkness, when it envelops someone, illuminates a person's character.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Risk

A life without risk is a living death.

Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



You won't be pleased to read this, but your annual check up at the vet is soon due.

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Advice To Businessmen

Businesses fail when the board doesn't communicate with one another.

Monday, September 24, 2012

Monday Morning

The week starts dismally, as the heavens have opened and the wind doth blow!

I don't like Mondays!

Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Advice To Beko

When you cold call customers, to try to sell them product insurance, don't start the sales pitch by asking "is the Beko oven you bought a year ago still working?".

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Advice To Businessmen

The butterfly style of management (flitting from one project to another, without ever focusing on one) is guaranteed to fail.

Monday, September 17, 2012

Advice To Thieving Little Dickhead

The thieving little dickhead who stole the flowerpot, and flowers growing within it, from outside our house on Saturday night should be aware that I am looking for it and will retrieve it when I find it.

Friday, September 14, 2012

Irony

Is it not "ironic" that the gutter press that claims to deplore the online bullying of children by children is the same gutter press that sets children such a lousy example by bullying adults, by publishing intimate pictures of "celebrities" taken by paparazzi who stalk "celebrities" in the same manner that a hunter stalks his prey?

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Advice To Myself

Give up trying to work and write today, there are too many disturbances going on in my office!

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Advice To All Bigoted Violent Ignorant Bastards

Please fuck off from this planet and practice your bigotry and hatred in an uninhabited (and preferably airless) galaxy far far far away!

Tuesday, September 11, 2012

Advice To MORI

If you want to know what I think about something, then simply read my websites; rather than ring my doorbell or call me on the phone.

Monday, September 10, 2012

Bovril and Sherry

What better way to warm up on a cold evening than with a hot mug of Bovril and sherry!

A fine naval drink, eg as consumed in the Ward Room of HMS Hurworth.

Friday, September 07, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Please do not go to sleep on the TV remote control.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Advice To Guest Cat



It is rude to come into our house and play with Rosie's toys, without asking her permission first.

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



A dead moth is not really worth all the brouhaha and waking us up for in the middle of the night!

Tuesday, September 04, 2012

Confidence

Beware cretins and morons who are full of confidence in themselves and their abilities.

Monday, September 03, 2012

Advice To Some People

It doesn't cost you anything to say "thank you" for a favour/free advice, but it may well cost you dear not to say it!

Friday, August 31, 2012

The Glorious Sun

Joy to the world, the glorious sun has returned to shine benevolently on my dwelling. However, there is a distinct autumnal chill in the air.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Question For The Weather Gods

Why does it feel like it's Autumn already, even though it's still only the end of August?

Tuesday, August 28, 2012

The Desert of Bank Holiday Free Weeks

Thus another week crashes into our lives, as we are left wondering where the Bank Holiday weekend went as we contemplate the desert of Bank Holiday free weeks that stretch before us until Christmas.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Many thanks for presenting us with a semi live moth in bed at 2am the other night. However, we weren't really that hungry.

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Whither Weather Forecasts?

According to the "up to date" BBC weather forecast, today is meant to be overcast.

According to my window, today is sunny and bright.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Fear of Reality

Fear of reality gives so called "experts" blind faith in utter nonsense.

Friday, August 17, 2012

Happy Happy Joy Joy

There is nothing more satisfying than watching two dishonest organisations trying to con one another in a business deal, and seeing them both losing big time because of their greed and dishonesty.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Captcha

Captcha is such a farking pain in the arse to use.

Can someone please develop a less knobheaded way of screening comments for spambots?

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Advice To Businessmen

Never use the phrase "unleash our solution" in any form of communication with potential investors or customers.

Monday, August 13, 2012

Questions

Some questions are best not asked, let alone answered.

Friday, August 10, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Just because you were displeased with your blanket being moved, there was no need to express your displeasure by farting!

Wednesday, August 08, 2012

Sleeping On A Problem

Sometimes a problem appears far less daunting after a good night's sleep. However, appearances can often be deceptive!

Tuesday, August 07, 2012

Advice To Businessmen

Work out who actually owns your company first, before you attempt to launch an IPO or similar fund raising initiative.

Monday, August 06, 2012

Grass

A single blade of grass is weak and can easily be pulled apart. However, a clump of blades that are bound together are strong and resilient.

As it is with grass, so it is with people!

Friday, August 03, 2012

Tick Tock

Why do clocks go "tick tock" and not "tock tick"?

Thursday, August 02, 2012

Change

An acceptance of change is essential for survival and growth, organisations and societies that resist/refuse to change are in effect committing suicide.

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



The smell of curry on my breath, after one of my homemade "specials", does not constitute a gas attack or threat to your existence; therefore there is not need to run away from me, to the other side of the lounge, and hide behind the firewood basket!

Tuesday, July 31, 2012

Raw Onion

There is no finer start to the day that can top opening the fridge door only to be greeted by the delightful aroma of raw onion coming from within!

Monday, July 30, 2012

Perception

Depending on your perception, that person in the distance might either be waving or drowning.

Friday, July 27, 2012

Nerves

Nerves are nature's remedy for constipation!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Advice To Cretins

Think about your audience before crafting an email.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Good Colleagues and Friends

Good colleagues and friends are those who step up the plate to help a chum/colleague out when he is in schtuck!

These people are rare, but he is a lucky person who finds himself working with or chums with such people.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Sunshine

Sunshine three days in a row?

Is this England?

Monday, July 23, 2012

Bureaucracy

Bureaucracy has no soul, compassion or forgiveness.

Friday, July 20, 2012

The Joy of Chili

The joy of eating a strong chili for dinner is that its power can still be felt the morning after consuming it!

Thursday, July 19, 2012

Good Mood



Today I am in a good mood, let the sun shine and birds sing!

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

Is It Me?

Is it me, or is the world having some sort of collective self inflicted mental breakdown at the moment?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Gratitude To My Cat



Thank you for heeding yesterday's advice to stop washing behind your ears. As a result of you heeding my advice, the sun has come out today!

Monday, July 16, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Please stop washing behind your ears, every time you do that it pisses down!

Friday, July 13, 2012

Happy Friday The 13th

In keeping with the spirit of the day, it is pissing down (as it has been day in day out for the last week)!

Thursday, July 12, 2012

Anger

Holding on to anger is like holding on to a red hot stone, the longer you hold on to it the more it will burn and hurt you.

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

National Fish Walking Day



In honour of the great British summer, I hereby declare today to be National Fish Walking Day!

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

The British Summer

A pox upon this lousy summer that we are having to endure.

Monday, July 09, 2012

Monday Mornings

Ugh, how I loath and despise Monday mornings!

Thursday, July 05, 2012

Wednesday, July 04, 2012

Happy Independence Day



Happy Independence Day to my American chums and relatives!

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

The Stench of Fear

Can you smell that?

It's the stench of fear coming from the politicians and the Bank of England, as they contemplate what the freshly resigned Bod Diamond will say to the Treasury Select Committee tomorrow.

Monday, July 02, 2012

Directorships

There are some people who, because of their natures (eg idle, incompetent, dishonest), should never be allowed the near the boardrooms of companies (whether they be multinationals or SME's).

Friday, June 29, 2012

Advice To Barclays

When committing fraud do not communicate details of the fraud to others via email, texts or other electronic media.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Push Ups

When I do push ups I don't push myself up, I push the earth down!

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Adversity

When faced with adversity the weak curl up into a ball and try to hide, the strong spread their wings and soar above it like an eagle.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Friday, June 22, 2012

Glad Midsommar!

Glad Midsommar to my Swedish chums!

In keeping with the season, it is blowing a gale here in the UK.

Thursday, June 21, 2012

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



I appreciate that you are finalising your evil plans for world domination. However, there is no need to make it so obvious to the rest of us (ie adopt a "poker face").

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Mortal Enemies

I am currently updating my mortal enemies list, I may be some time.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Advice To Acquaintances

Don't put other people's names in the frame for donating money to "good causes", without checking with them first.

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Fear not, we are sending an email to Felix about the fact you cannot stand and won't eat their "beef" pouch.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Friday, June 08, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat




Have I not asked you some months ago to wipe your paws before jumping all over the bedsheets?

Please read and remember my advice in the future.

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Advice To Freelance "Journalists"

Don't tell people after publishing an article (that you never cleared with them first) that you are not a journalist, when you in fact describe yourself as one on the web; ie don't be a lying c*nt!

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Monday, June 04, 2012

Question For The BBC

Who the fark is "HRH the Queen"?

I think you will find that it is "Her Majesty the Queen".

You have covered royal occasions before, haven't you?

Friday, June 01, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



The binmen are very nice people who are only trying to help to keep the streets clean and tidy, they are not a threat to your safety or your well being.

Thursday, May 31, 2012

Bank Holiday Weather

As the UK gears itself up for a 4 day bank holiday weekend, to celebrate the Diamond Jubilee and /or hold a BBQ or street party, it is of course guaranteed that the recent spell of sunshine is coming to an end and the temperature falling!

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

Converts

Converts are the loudest and most fanatical members of a group, political party or religion.

Monday, May 28, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



The front door is for humans, the cat flap in the door into the garden is for cats.

Friday, May 25, 2012

Air Conditioning

Air conditioning is the devil's invention, it spreads disease and infection faster than a plague ridden rat.

A pox upon air conditioning!

Free yourselves, turn it off and open a window instead!

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Sunshine

The sun has finally returned to the UK, marking the start of Pimm's season.

Huzzah!

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Question For My Cat



Why, when you know that you are just about to spew forth a furball do you insist on coming in from the garden into the kitchen to spew it forth onto the kitchen floor when I am preparing food?

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Advice To Sauna Users

Metal is a very effective conductor of heat. Therefore don't be surprised that you burn yourself if you are foolish enough to wear jewellery, or carry keys into the sauna!

Monday, May 21, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



The freshly cooked pieces of gammon placed on your plate were for you to eat, the gammon joint placed on the carving board was not for you to eat!

Friday, May 18, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



The ironing board, unlike the vacuum cleaner, is not a threat to your health, safety or restful sleep; therefore there is no need to run away whenever it appears.

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Question For My Cat



Why don't you enjoy the vacuum cleaner like the cat above?

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Sunshine

Do my eyes deceive me, is that the sun shining?

Surely not!

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Your bowls are for your food, please do not drag your food out of them onto the floor to eat it.

Monday, May 14, 2012

The Cycle of Life

Last week on the beachfront I was mistaken for some lesser known actor by a hen party, who had their photos taken with me. This week, on the same beachfront, a couple of blokes took exception to my white jacket and trousers and shouted:
"What a cunt!"
Life places you upon a mountain top one day, then throws you into the valley the next!

C'est la vie!

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Happy Europe Day - Pass The Sick Bag!

Today, apparently, is "Europe Day".

Pass the sick bag someone!

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Bank Holidays

Why are bank holidays always so wet and dismal?

Friday, May 04, 2012

Advice To Spammers

Starting your spam with the phrase "This is not spam" simply doesn't cut the mustard!

Thursday, May 03, 2012

A Pox Upon This Drought!

A pox upon this accursed drought, during which the rain never ends!

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Gravy and Mobile Phones

It is unwise to spill gravy onto a touch screen mobile phone.

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Cat Matters



Pussycat pussycat, what big paws you have!

Monday, April 30, 2012

Mondays

Mondays are such tedious gloomy days, far better to start the week on a  Tuesday!

Friday, April 27, 2012

Advice To Our EU Overlords

Don't ask for an increase in your budget when you are proactively imposing austerity on your subjects, and when youth unemployment in Spain exceeds 50%.

Continue to press ahead with that budget demand and it will end in tears!

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat



Cardboard boxes are not primarily designed to be cat houses.

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Jumpers and Gravy

Why is it whenever I wear a newly cleaned jumper I spill gravy down it?

Friday, April 20, 2012

Ongoing Advice To My Cat







Re my advice yesterday to use your new scratching post, keep trying you'll get used to it in the end!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

The Irony of British Weather

How ironic that, as we face months of "drought" and hosepipe bans, it is pissing down and looks set to continue for several days.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Advice To Businesses

Shutting the door after the horse has bolted is not an effective, or viable, business strategy.

Monday, April 16, 2012

A Gentleman's Survival Kit for the 21st Century

- A flask of brandy

- A fistful of Havana cigars

- A Colt 45

- A pocketful of gold sovereigns

Friday, April 13, 2012

"There Is No Alternative"

The excuse "there is no alternative" is used by those who wish to comfort themselves when they do not wish to change a decision that they know is wrong.

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Dreams

Beware muscular and proactive defence policies, lest they transform themselves into the dreams of conquest.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Answers and Replies

All answers are replies, but not all replies are answers.

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Bank Holidays

As sure as eggs are eggs, as soon as the bank holiday ends so does the downpour!

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Flexible "Deadlines"

Ever flexible "deadlines" are the tools of fools, conmen and dreamers.

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Alcohol

Faster acting, far more enjoyable and cheaper than therapy.

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Monday, April 02, 2012

Hope

When businesses use the word "hope" in their plans, forecasts and updates, you know that all is lost.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Agendas

Those who follow their own selfish agendas, to the detriment of their associates and colleagues, will eventually fall flat on their faces.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Happy Birthday Rosie!



Happy birthday Rosie, you are three today!