The Value of Bovril

As the weather turn to an Autumn chill; the value in terms of taste, warmth and nutrition of drinking hot Bovril cannot be overstated.

The effectiveness of this splendid drink can be enhanced by adding a measure of sherry.

Funerals

When attending a funeral, always ensure that your hip flask is fully loaded and functioning.

Advice Celebrity Wanabees

Get a life!

The Fear

Beware those who fear the future, they will try to take you back to the past.

Obvious

The more a person uses the words "obvious" and "obviously" when arguing their case, the less intellectually rigorous their argument.

Stupid

Sometimes stupid is so simple, it's brilliant.

Great Cons of Today

Loan protection!

Those companies that sell you these insurance policies do everything they can to avoid paying out, when a claim is made.

This despite the fact, that the cost of the policy is often more than the interest on the debt.

Professional Ball Room Dancers

Why are professional ball room dancers orange?

Alternative Medicine

Utter hogwash!

Practiced by those wanting to make a fast buck out of the naive and gullible.

Indian Summer

The best way for the summer to end, is with and Indian summer.

Careers

Don't allow others to dictate your career path.

Advice To World Leaders

"Yeehah!" is not a foreign policy.

Money

Don't allow emotions to dictate your relationship with money.

Fuel Price Protesters Who Blockade Fuel Depots

Twats!

The Solution To The Oil Crisis

Walk!

Family Visits

During prolonged family visits it is wise to ensure that you have a suitably trained/cute pet on hand, to reduce the tension and to distract the attention of your guests.

Empty Bellies

When bellies are empty, men feed on fear.

Freedom of Speech

Politicians are keen to warn us that we face a terrorist threat to our freedom of speech.

I would remind the politicians that a nation's right to freedom of expression is laid down in its constitution and legal framework.

The terrorists cannot threaten or change these elements, only the politicians can.

Therefore, the threat to our freedom of speech comes not from the terrorists but from the politicians.

The Space Shuttle

The most expensive, technologically outmoded and dangerous piece of junk currently in use.

NASA should be ashamed of themselves for making people risk their lives in this celestial coffin.

Handkerchiefs

What did we do before handkerchiefs were invented?

How To Deal With Conmen

Don't!

How To Recognise A Conman

1 He claims to be wealthy, yet never has any cash.

2 When negotiating a deal with you he asks for a discount.

3 He delays paying you, claiming to have cashflow problems.

4 He claims to be honest.

5 He gets nasty when confronted with the truth.

6 He has a "selective" recollection of events and agreements.

7 He is on trial, but claims that it is all a mistake.

Bullies

Those of you who think that they can placate bullies, by appeasing them, are mistaken.

Whatever you give the bully, will never be enough. You will in fact be feeding his/her appetite, and emboldening them to ask for more.

Kite Flying

Those of you feeling stressed out by work and family pressures, should eschew short term palliatives such as; alcohol and tranquilisers.

Instead you should take up kite flying; a highly effective means of relaxing.

I command you all to go out and buy a kite today.