New Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolutions are a complete and utter waste of time and effort.

If you have issues in your life that you feel need to be addressed, then don't waste your time waiting until the 31st of January each year to address them.

New Year Parties

New Year parties are populated with people who don't drink regularly, and don't know how to handle their drink.

These events are best avoided.

Don't Wallow

Look to the future with optimism, don't wallow in the past in self pity.

The Christmas Cock Up

Beware the Christmas Cock Up, which is guaranteed to happen around the last few days leading up to Christmas.

Christmas Cock Ups take a number of forms including, but not limited to, the following:

-Damage to property through negligence or carelessness, eg fire or car accident

-Injury or death through negligence or carelessness, eg falling under a bus in a drunken stupor

-Rash business decision, that leads to financial ruin or loss of living in the New Year

-Business collapse, caused by taking your eye off the ball

Beware the above, they happen each Christmas without fail.

Devastation

In devastation there is opportunity.

Walk You Own Path

Walk you own path, and you will never get lost.

Unfair

The word unfair should be banned, as it is used as an excuse for failure.

Leaf Blowers

Leaf blowers are not auto erotic devices.

Christmas

Christmas is for wants, not needs.

Discipline

People cite discipline over decadence, as being a virtue over a vice.

It is widely supposed that a disciplined people will overcome a decadent one.

This assumption is false, for it ignores the fact that we all secretly wish to be decadent.

Don't Waste Your Life

Don't waste your life worrying about what people may think about you.

Some will hate you, some will like you; then you die.

Effective Revolutions

When fermenting a revolution, always ensure that you have decided what you want in addition to deciding what you don't want.

Otherwise your revolution will fall apart, and be highjacked by others.

Telemarketing Calls

Fed up with telemarketing calls?

Then simply ask the caller to give you their home number, and tell them that you will call them in the middle of the night to discuss this later.

See how they like it!

The Secret of Christmas

The secret to enjoying Christmas is the anticipation, not the actualite.

Call Centres

Do not be fooled by the marketing hype behind the spawning of call centres.

Companies try to make you believe that the call centre is designed to improve customer service and customer care issues; in reality, the call centre is designed to put an obstacle between the customer and the company that they are trying to contact.

The call centre operatives become little more than organic extensions to the company's IT system.

Lies

Tell a lie often enough, and it becomes the truth.

The First Bloom

The first bloom of spring, in the barren post winter landscape, is always pleasing on the eye and gives hope for the future.

Yet, because of the fact that it is the first bloom, that flower exposes itself to danger.

The question being; is the bloom brave, or foolish, for being first?

The same can be said for those in business, who seek to enter new markets, or those in politics, who seek to walk a new path.

How To Deal With the Tax Authorities

When dealing with the tax authorities, always keep a record of everything you send them and that they send you.

Also, when speaking to them over the phone, keep a log of phone calls and the subjects discussed; those of you with the technology to do so, should also record the call.

Pot Pourri

Precisely what use to man or beast is a pot pourri?

Snakes

You have but one chance to chop the head of a dangerous snake off.

Choose your timing wisely.

Air Fresheners

Air fresheners are unpleasant to smell, a waste of money and pollute the atmosphere.

If the room smells a bit fuggy, then use your brains and open a window.

Tasks

Focus on the task in hand, not the fear of the task.

Reputations

Reputations are hard won, but easily lost.

It is surprising as to how many "professional" businessmen and politicians seem to forget this fact.

Brussels Sprout Stalks

In the run up to Christmas, the markets fill up with all manner of unnecessary items; heavily promoted by "celebrity" chefs, earning a crust from the major food producers and supermarket chains.

One such item being Brussels sprouts still on their stalks.

These are a total waste of money; as not only are you paying for the weight of the stalk, but you also have to pluck the sprouts yourself.

Loose Brussels sprouts represent far better value for money.

Frozen Prawns

It never ceases to amaze me how long it takes for something as small as a frozen prawn to defrost.

Great Lies of Today

"We must meet up sometime in the New Year".

Leaf Blowers

The invention of the devil.

World Leaders Past Their Sell By Date

You can always tell when a world leader is past his/her sell by date, when they ignore their own domestic agenda and start trying to solve world-wide poverty.

Business Expenses

Always keep thorough records of your business expenses, this saves embarrassing arguments when it comes to claiming reimbursement.

Credit Card Annual Charges

Rumour has it that credit card companies are set to reintroduce annual charges for credit cards, because they are not making enough large profits.

My heart bleeds for them!

Political Assassins

He who wields the knife never wears the crown.

Ready Made Yorkshire Pudding Mix

What a waste of money!

Don't be so lazy, make your own using; four, milk and eggs.

PDF Downloads

Whenever I see the extension .pdf on a link my heart sinks.

PDF files are, to my view, the slowest and most irritating form of download on the planet.

Anger

Anger is a more effective emotion than despair.

Advice To Restaurants

Do not put a vegetarian in charge of carving the roast joint.

Leaf Blowers

Do not use leaf blowers on windy days.

Great Lies of Today

"It's a sellers' market".

The Meaning of Life

Mankind has pondered the meaning of life, throughout the ages.

I for one would like to suggest that, instead of diverting your mental energies into trying to fathom the unfathomable, you embrace life and enjoy as fully as possible.

Too much is not enough!

Reply All

Beware the "Reply All" button on an email; it is the instrument of the devil.

History

History is written not to revere the dead, but to inspire the living.

Inspiration

Inspiration comes at the most inconvenient times.

Great Lies of Today

We posted your letter, it must have been lost by the Post Office.

Excuses

Excuses do not add one penny to the bottom line.

Great Lies of Today

A Christmas extravaganza of television entertainment.

Government Office

The way to government office is via a long, winding road.

Government

It is impossible to govern unless you trust those that you govern.

Irish Coffees

It is unwise to drink four Irish coffees in one sitting.

Violence and Deceit

Violent and deceitful men will live but half their days.

Events

Do not allow yourself to become a victim of events, become their master.

Social Engineering

Social engineering is a futile exercise performed by weak governments trying to assert their authority, on the pretext of a socially cohesive and "people friendly" agenda.

All social engineering projects are destined to fail dismally; as governments do not have the time, intellectual ability, skill or interest to think through the consequences of their actions.

Doing Something New

The first step on the route to failure.

Traditions

Do not fear the passing of old traditions, old traditions simply become new traditions.

Feeding Cats

When feeding cats, always make sure you feed them at the same time each day.

Cats like routine.

Procrastination

Procrastination is the thief of profit.

Unseasoned Wood

When building hi-fi cabinets, in a damp climate, do not use unseasoned wood.

Cats

An excellent therapeutic aid for the elderly.

Great Lies of Today

"We apologise for the temporary down time of this site, due to essential maintenance.

It will be up and running again within the hour."

A Message To Scammers

A message to the scammers, who pollute the internet with their fake "get rich quick" schemes and other assorted cons.

"Shrivel up and die, you odious scum!"

The Value of Bovril

As the weather turn to an Autumn chill; the value in terms of taste, warmth and nutrition of drinking hot Bovril cannot be overstated.

The effectiveness of this splendid drink can be enhanced by adding a measure of sherry.

Funerals

When attending a funeral, always ensure that your hip flask is fully loaded and functioning.

Advice Celebrity Wanabees

Get a life!

The Fear

Beware those who fear the future, they will try to take you back to the past.

Obvious

The more a person uses the words "obvious" and "obviously" when arguing their case, the less intellectually rigorous their argument.

Stupid

Sometimes stupid is so simple, it's brilliant.

Great Cons of Today

Loan protection!

Those companies that sell you these insurance policies do everything they can to avoid paying out, when a claim is made.

This despite the fact, that the cost of the policy is often more than the interest on the debt.

Professional Ball Room Dancers

Why are professional ball room dancers orange?

Alternative Medicine

Utter hogwash!

Practiced by those wanting to make a fast buck out of the naive and gullible.

Indian Summer

The best way for the summer to end, is with and Indian summer.

Careers

Don't allow others to dictate your career path.

Advice To World Leaders

"Yeehah!" is not a foreign policy.

Money

Don't allow emotions to dictate your relationship with money.

Fuel Price Protesters Who Blockade Fuel Depots

Twats!

The Solution To The Oil Crisis

Walk!

Family Visits

During prolonged family visits it is wise to ensure that you have a suitably trained/cute pet on hand, to reduce the tension and to distract the attention of your guests.

Empty Bellies

When bellies are empty, men feed on fear.

Freedom of Speech

Politicians are keen to warn us that we face a terrorist threat to our freedom of speech.

I would remind the politicians that a nation's right to freedom of expression is laid down in its constitution and legal framework.

The terrorists cannot threaten or change these elements, only the politicians can.

Therefore, the threat to our freedom of speech comes not from the terrorists but from the politicians.

The Space Shuttle

The most expensive, technologically outmoded and dangerous piece of junk currently in use.

NASA should be ashamed of themselves for making people risk their lives in this celestial coffin.

Handkerchiefs

What did we do before handkerchiefs were invented?

How To Deal With Conmen

Don't!

How To Recognise A Conman

1 He claims to be wealthy, yet never has any cash.

2 When negotiating a deal with you he asks for a discount.

3 He delays paying you, claiming to have cashflow problems.

4 He claims to be honest.

5 He gets nasty when confronted with the truth.

6 He has a "selective" recollection of events and agreements.

7 He is on trial, but claims that it is all a mistake.

Bullies

Those of you who think that they can placate bullies, by appeasing them, are mistaken.

Whatever you give the bully, will never be enough. You will in fact be feeding his/her appetite, and emboldening them to ask for more.

Kite Flying

Those of you feeling stressed out by work and family pressures, should eschew short term palliatives such as; alcohol and tranquilisers.

Instead you should take up kite flying; a highly effective means of relaxing.

I command you all to go out and buy a kite today.

Turning Points

Turning points are only useful, if you have somewhere to turn to.

Games

In order to win the game, you have to first know what game it is that you are playing.

Great Cons of Today

Tongue cleaning toothbrushes are sold with the promise that they will remove bacteria from your tongue.

Get real!

Your mouth is full of bacteria, scraping the tongue with an overpriced piece of plastic will avail you nothing.

Roses

Roses must be harshly pruned, if you wish them to flourish.

Is it not strange, that in order to create beauty, you must first destroy?

Advice To World Leaders

When an enemy of yours dies, always ensure that you attend the funeral; otherwise your living enemies will use the occasion to meet together and plot against you.

Weather Forecasts

Why is it that weather forecasts for rain are invariably correct, yet weather forecasts for sun are invariably wrong?

Airport Strikes

Isn't it a strange coincidence that airport workers always go on strike during the holiday season?

Gate Gourmet

Anyone who has ever flown BA will surely know that the use of the word "gourmet", in the name of their on board food supplier, is an absurd contradiction.

Nature

Nature is to be respected, but no to be interacted with.

The Good Old Days

Those in Britain who hanker after the so called "good old days", when shops shut on Sunday, should go and live in Germany.

There, many shops shut on Saturday at 2PM and don't open again until Monday.

Of course, this is extremely inconvenient for the consumer and has severely damaged the economy; so maybe the "good old days" are something best consigned to the dustbin of history.

Mad Dogs and Englishmen Go Out in The Midday Sun

"Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday sun", or so the saying goes. However, that is patently untrue.

As I pen this it is midday, and 30 degrees, yet I have seen one cat and two non English people already go out in the sun.

Great Lies of Today

"New improved formula"

The Dangers of Irish Coffee

Beware the sleep deprivation effects that an overindulgence in Irish coffees can have.

Yes, Yes, Yes

Beware the politician who readily responds to your request for help, by the phrase "yes, yes, yes"; it may only mean that he has heard what you have said.

Eat More Cheese

Cheese is not only an excellent source of protein and calcium, it is also ideal for lowering the acidity of your mouth and hence reduce the risk of tooth decay.

Eat more cheese.

Corporate Rebranding

Corporate rebranding is often carried out by companies that have run out of ideas.

Great Lies of Today

"Our endowment policy is designed to pay off your mortgage"

Great Lies of Today

Britsh railway timetables.

Great Lies of Today

"We really appreciate your call, one of our operatives will answer it as soon as possible"

TV Weather Presenters

Why do all TV weather presenters have to have such an inane fixed smile, even when the weather is awful?

Party Leadership

When an unseemly number of pretenders to the throne, scramble for the soon to be vacant post of a leader of a political party; look for the future leader amongst those who have not put their names forward.

Great Lies of Today

"There is no alternative".

Squirrels

Why do people get so sentimental about squirrels?

They are nothing more than rats, with large furry tails, who live in trees and scavenge in dustbins.

The British Summer

A pox upon the British summer!

The Trouble With Burgers

The trouble with eating hamburgers late at night, is that the taste and fat remain in your mouth the next morning.

Websites

Always backup your website.

Moaners

Those that constantly moan about the country that they live in, but do not engage constructively in the domestic democratic political process, should leave.

The Flame

The flame is often brightest just before it is extinguished.

So it is for Tony Blair, as he basks in the "glory" of his final year in office.

When the end comes, it will come very quickly and unexpectedly.

Failure

Failure is character building.

Committees

Decision making by committee is the most inefficient, and weak, means by which to make and implement decisions.

The committee structure means that it takes a disproportionate amount of time to reach a decision, and that the decision (when reached) is watered down and ineffectual.

Suppression of Free Speech

Governments like to control the actions of their citizens.

However, they know that if they try to overtly ban free speech their voters will never stand for it. Therefore, they dress up the legislation in the guise of trying to prevent the incitement of religious hatred.

Hard Questions

When faced with hard questions choosing the right answer is never easy, but avoiding answering those hard questions merely exacerbates the situation.

Fatwas

Why are there now fatwas issued against Islamic terrorists?

A Unified Chain of Command

In order for a unified chain of command to be seen as being effective, it is important for its orders to be seen to be executed and for its image to reflect reality.

Contradictions between image and reality seriously undermine the effectiveness of the chain of command, and should be avoided.

Fathers and Sons

A son will never become master of his own life until he has "killed" (metaphorically speaking that is) his father.

London

London has been a major city for over 2000 years.

It has survived fire, flood, plague, rioting, the Luftwaffe and the IRA.

Yesterday's attack by human scum will not destroy it, London will survive long after their intellectually and morally bankrupt theocracy has been consigned to the dustbin of history.

Mobile Phones In School

Lessons in schools are now, more often than not, disrupted by the shrill tones and bleeps of the mobile phones of the pupils.

Teachers, not unreasonably, complain that these devices are proving to be a distraction to their lessons.

The solution is really very simple, make the pupils hand in their phones when they enter school grounds.

Hand them back at the end of each day.

DIY

Why do so called "DYI" enthusiasts choose the hottest Sunday of the year to commence work on the most strenuous and noisy part of the construction projects?

Aid To Africa

By giving vast sums of money to Africa, in the form of aid, people are merely perpetuating the cycle squalor and poverty of this unhappy continent.

However, the donors do at least feel bteer about themselves.

Adolescent Males

Adolescent males are the most aggressive and dangerous element in society.

They need to be set boundaries, by adults, so that they learn to control and manage their aggression.

The Conflict At The Heart Of Europe

Until the member nations of the European Community come to an agreement as to whether Europe should follow a free market model, or a social intervention model, the European experiment in cohesion is doomed to failure.

Stubbornness

Stubbornness is an essential requirement for success.

Schooldays

Schooldays are the happiest days of your life, or so the old saying goes.

Bunkum and baldersdash!

This is a hackneyed phrase so often used by adults to cajole their offspring into going to school, that they start to believe it themselves.

Wash Your Hands

It is widely assumed that coughs and sneezes are the most effective means of spreading diseases.

Not so!

Dirty, unwashed, hands are a major cause of infections.

Wash your hands regularly, especially before eating and preparing food.

Flying Saucers From Outer Space

There are no such things as flying saucers from outer space, being piloted by little green men.

The stories of alien visitors are an elaborate hoax, perpetrated by the US government in the 1950's, designed to cover up the work being done on experimental flying saucer technology being developed by the military.

Leadership

A leader has the right to be defeated.

However, a leader does not have the right to be surprised.

Bubbles

Bubbles are there to be pricked.

So it can be said for the status quo.

Yob Culture

The rise of yob culture is as a result of indiviuals reaching "adult" years, without ever having matured emotionally beyond childhood.

The cause of this epidemic of immaturity is simple, parents have cosseted and spoilt their children.

In order to mature, and develop strength of character, a child must be exposed to reality and the knocks and set backs that are a daily part of life.

Parents are failing their children by "protecting" them from reality.

Thunder and Lightning

Do not fear the thunder, it is the lightning flash that poses the danger.

As it is for thunder and lightning, so it is for the reactive politician who raises his voice to attract attention.

The politician is too late, the lightning strike has already happened.

Life

An excellent method for preserving meat.

Assumption

Never assume anything.

Assumption is the mother of all fuck ups!

Inspiration

Those seeking inspiration should simply close their eyes and relax.

It will come, when it is good and ready.

Religious Intolerance

Those religions that do not tolerate freedom of debate and thought will die of entropy, and will be consigned to the dustbin of history.

A Violent Wind

A violent wind seldom outlasts the morning.

So it is with political extremism.

Science Fiction

I cannot commend the genre of science fiction too highly.

It is both a source of entertainment, and moral philosophy.

Flat Pack Furniture

A wondrous creation by the Swedes; all the more so, given the fact that the only tool that they seem to possess appears to be a small bent metal rod.

The IRA

The IRA is no more a movement for freedom than Al Capone and his mob associates were in Chicago in the 20's and 30's.

Those that think of the IRA as freedom fighters are deluding themselves.

Drink

There's no such thing as a free drink.

Martyrdom

If martyrdom truly brings eternal happiness, how is that those who encourage young men to sacrifice their lives and become martyrs are old?

The infallibility of The Pope

Utter nonsense!

Great Lies of Today

"We will call you back."

Jumpers

Why are jumpers called jumpers?

Have you ever seen one jump?

Sweaters

To view the Vlog please click the image above.

Why are sweaters called sweaters, when they can't handle sweat at all?

Politicians Who Kiss Babies

To view the Vlog please click the image above.

Beware the politician who picks up your baby and kisses it; they are not showing the infant any affection, they are merely using it as a barrier between themselves and the crowd.

Micro Management

When politicians resort to micro management "initiatives", you can be sure that they are trying to hide their failures at addressing major issues such as; health, education and transport.

Great Lies of Today

"I have listened to the people".

Great Conmen of The 21st Century

Banks, for charging you to use your own money!

Great Cons of Today

Bank charges for using ATM's.

Self Esteem

The trouble with the phrase "self esteem", is that it contains the word "self".

Violence

Violence is as much a part of life as love and laughter.

You can't have one without the other.

Great Con Tricks of Today

Airline flight pricing structures.

Miraculous Manifestations

Throughout the ages people have claimed to see miraculous images of religious significance, manifesting themselves in a variety of places including; walls, water, cloth, fruit and cheese sandwiches.

Not to put too fine a point on it, these "religious" manifestations are utter nonsense.

There is nothing to these so called miraculous images, other than an overactive imagination and a desire to see more than is really there.

The Catholic Church

The current ban on contraception and condoms, as espoused by the Catholic Church, is dangerous nonsense.

Witness the worsening AIDS epidemic in Africa to see the fruit of this most dangerous and stupid policy.

The Church wonders why people are shunning Catholicism, the Church only has itself to blame.

The Pea Challenge

The humble pea presents a tricky culinary challenge, which can floor many an experienced chef.

Overcook it, and it turns to mush.

Undercook it, and it resembles a bullet.

Loud

Those in politics who have the loudest voices, often have the most limited ideas and abilities.

The Journey

It is often the case that the journey is more important than the destination.

The Creation of Wealth

The more wealthy that man becomes, the more dissatisfied with life he feels.

This is not due any spiritual deficit, or malaise within society, but due to profound and stupefying boredom.

Like it or not, man needs to occupy himself, and to struggle; in order to feel fulfilled.

The European Union

The concept of European hegemony, as espoused by the member states of the EU, is doomed to failure.

That will be the case as long as the European Central Bank (ECB) pursues a policy of artificially overvaluing the Euro, and individual member states break the rules regarding the free movement of labour across national borders.

Corporate Wordspeak

"Downsizing" - Sacking people

"Dark Centre" - The factory is closed

"Have to let people go" - Fire people

"Rationalisation" - Fire people

"Challenging" - An impossible task which you will fail at

"Horizontal Management Structure" - No one knows who is in charge

Butt Baring

I cannot understand the predilection amongst a certain strata of society for baring their butts at the drop of a hat.

No one wishes to see the pale, flabby and spotty arses of these ignorant people.

Football

I see no logic, nor have I any empathy, for the passions and tribalism aroused by this game.

Religion

The weaker a religion becomes, in terms of support and theological underpinning, the more paranoid its actions and statements.

Society

There are those who seek to blame "society" for the breakdown in law and order, the rise in drug taking and the rowdy behaviour of teenagers.

This is an easy way to avoid responsibility.

The people who blame society would be well to remember that they comprise society, therefore by blaming society they are in fact blaming themselves.

The bottom line is this, in order to improve society you will have to get off your backsides and do something about it yourselves.

Change

Change is best brought about when the pressure for change is so great, that it cannot be resisted.

The trigger is usually a catastrophic event such as; a war, death or economic collapse.

Those who seek to bring about change via consensus will, more often than not, find that their efforts are doomed to failure.

Nostalgia

Those who wallow in nostalgia, and yearn for a mythical past when everything was "better" than now, are deluding themselves.

Growth and development can only be achieved by looking forward to the future, not by wallowing in the past.

Advice To The Elderly

I have observed that many elderly people seem to take a perverse pleasure in frightening themselves, by watching crime recreation shows on TV.

The result is that they are left feeling even more threatened and vulnerable, in other words their lives are adversely affected.

May I suggest that if this is the effect of watching these programmes, then you stop watching them?

Advice To Criminals and Conmen

Devote your energies and intellectual powers to performing an honest day's work.

You will find this infinitely more rewarding, both financially and spiritually, than your criminal endeavours.

Additionally, you will not end up in jail.

Computers

Computers are only as good as the people who program them.

Cold Calling

The next time that your receive a cold call from a company trying to sell you something, that you don't want, ask the operative for their private number.

Explain that you would like to discuss this matter with them, at a time that is more convenient for you.

When they object, saying that it may not be convenient for them, tell them that now they know what you feel like about being disturbed.

Restaurant Air Conditioning

Restaurants that have their air conditioning set too high, make the restaurant feel like a refrigerator.

They should be aware that if I wished to eat in a refrigerator, then I would simply climb into my Electrolux and dine there.

Being British

Being British is not dependent on your place of birth, or your genetic background; it is a state of mind.

Great Lies of Today

"We welcome your review, and look forward to your report".

Great Lies of Today

"We really value your opinion"

Air Miles

What, may I ask, is the point of collecting air miles; if you cannot use them for flights that actually go to where you want to go, when you want to go there?

Non Stick Pans

If non stick pans are so "non stick", why is it that their labels are so difficult to remove?

The Purpose of Existence

The purpose of existence is to grow and develop, without growth and development atrophy and decay set in.

As such it is essential that you set yourself goals, and achievements.

At the end of each day you should be able to say to yourself, "today I achieved the following.."

The Sun

Why does the sun always come out, and shine brightly, when you are working?

Yet as soon as you finish work, it goes away?

The Vision Thing

Politicians are very fond of regaling us with their vision of the future.

Gandiose plans for social and environmental engineering are placed before us, in the expectation that we will "buy into the dream".

There is one significant shortcoming to these plans, and the politicians' vison of "utopia".

The plans have 5-10 year time horizons, yet the average shelf life of a politician is 2 years or less.

In other words the plans will never come to fruition, because the person who originated them will have gone elsewhere and will be thinking up new plans.

Twenty First Century Instruments of Torture

Voice controlled computer menu systems.

Good Manners

I cannot emphasise too strongly the necessity for people to practice good manners. Society will only function effectively, if people show courtesy and consideration to others.

Therefore, the next time that someone does you a favour or helps you in any way, do remember to say thank you.

Great Lies of Today

No one has ever complained to us before about that.

Great Lies of Today

24 hour 7 day a week service guarantees on domestic appliances.

You try and get a service engineer to come out on a Sunday evening, and listen to the lies and "tall stories" from the so called "customer care operative" as to why they can't come.

Advice To Businessmen Turned Politicians

When you make the move into politics from the boardroom, remember to check your ego in at the door.

Advice To Actors

It is better to be type cast, rather than not cast.

School Meals

There is a lot of fuss in the British media at the moment, about the quality of school meals.

People are pressing schools to serve children better quality meals, and remove the chips and fat from the menu.

The riposte from the schools is that the kids won't eat healthy options.

My riposte is simple; hunger will force them to eat the meals put in front of them, if they have no choice but the meal that is offered.

Don't give in to a spoilt child.

Business and Politics

Business and politics is much like a home made stock. The scum and impurities often rise to the top.

In order to ensure that the stock is tasty and useful, it is best to skim the surface at regular intervals in order to remove the impurities.

New Age Cures

The preponderance of "new age" cures that infest "lifestyle" magazines and the media, such as "crystal healing" and "ear candles", have provided a whole new source of income for the modern day "snake oil" salesmen.

Many people are now conned into buying these worthless products, in the mistaken belief that they will find a cure for what ails them.

However, as with their predecessors, these salesmen offer no tangible or effective cures for people's ills.

These "cures" should be treated with contempt, and avoided like the plague.

Where Are You From?

To know where you are from, you must first identify where it is that you are going.

Once you have done that, you can then trace your route back to where you have come from.

Great Lies of Today

"Thank you for your suggestion, I will pass it on to my supervisor".

Using The Washing Machine

When using the washing machine, it is usually best to remember to add the detergent.

The Past

By all means remember that past, and learn lessons from it. However, do not wallow in the past; that is very unhealthy, and will curtail your ability to face the challenges of the future.

Food Fadists

Food fadists are a serious threat to civil liberties, they should be ostracised by society.

The Media

Why does the media report the same news?

Wash Your Hands

I cannot emphasise too strongly the benefits of washing your hand regularly, especially when you are about to handle food.

Many cases of food poisoning, and hospital infections, could have been avoided if people had made regular hand washing part of their daily routine.

Remember, wash you hands; you don't necessarily know where they have been!

The Benefits of Limes

Freshly squeezed limes are an excellent source of vitamin C.

The British Royal Navy discovered several hundred years ago that if they gave their crews a regular dose of lime juice, the scurvy that had been blighting the crews for generations all but disappeared.

Hence the nickname "Limeys", bestowed on the Brits by the Americans.

I too commend the health giving properties of limes. I have three freshly squeezed limes every evening after exercise.

I commend that you do the same.

The Paperless Office

The advent of the IT age was meant to herald the dawn of the paperless office.

Some 40 years, or more, on; has anyone actually noticed less paper?

Garlic

The health giving properties of fresh garlic cannot be over emphasised.

Eat a clove or more of raw fresh garlic everyday and, so many claim, you will:

-Lower your blood pressure

-Reduce the risk of heart trouble

-Reduce the risk of cancer

-Reduce the risk of stomach ulcers

-Improve your auto immune system

-Ward off sore throats and colds

Needless to say you will smell of garlic. However, eating fresh parsley will reduce the smell; it is a small price to pay for improved health.

Trees

If you want to hide a tree, where would you hide it?

In a forest.

Liens

The imposition of a lien over the property of a tardy debtor, is a remarkably effective method of extracting the monies owed.

I commend it.

Power Naps

An excellent way to refresh and reinvigorate the brain.

I wholeheartedly recommend them.

Central Heating

We live a very cosseted life in the West; we can, at the touch of a button, increase the temperature of our homes without a thought to the consequences.

Central heating is expensive in terms of using scarce resources, and environmental damage.

Many of us waste these, by running our homes at unnecessarily high temperatures.

The next time you are feeling cold, instead of reaching for the heating control panel, put a jumper on and eat a bowl of hot soup.

You will save money and the environment.

Memory Suppression

One of the brain's most effective mechanisms for self healing is its ability to suppress painful memories.

Those analysts that encourage their patients to relive painful experiences are doing them more harm than good.

Avoid these people.

Excessive Introspection

Excessive introspection is dangerous, it can lead to self doubt and a crippling lack of self confidence.

It is to be avoided at all costs.

Procrastination

Beware those that procrastinate unduly, they have something to hide.

How To Spot a Lie II

Liars will often use generalisations, to avoid answering a question. For example, if you ask:

"Did you drive your car to work today?"

The liar will respond:

"I normally drive my car to work every day".

The liar has avoided the question with a generalisation, be on your guard for these.

The Last Bit of Cheese

Why is it that the last bit of cheese in the fridge, has always been eaten by someone else?

Ideas

When you have an idea that you feel is useful, make a note of it before you forget it.

Sometimes the best ideas pop into your head, just as you are going to sleep; make sure that you keep a dictaphone by the side of your bed, so that you can record these ideas as they occur.

Excess Wealth

Those people who have "excess wealth", a subjective term I know, despite the trappings of wealth and their ability to do whatever they want have little happiness.

Look into their eyes, there is no sparkle of joy or happiness there.

Only when you face, and overcome, adversity and challenges do you achieve completeness and inner peace.

Weather Forecasts

I am fed up with seeing, and reading, weather forecasts that are consistently wrong.

Let us end this uncertain science once and for all, by fining the forecasters everytime they make a mistake.

That will be a spur to improve accuracy.

Computers

Computers and IT are a wonderful creation, when they work.

However, when they don't work they really know how to screw you up.

How To Spot a Lie

The following is an example of a lie, often used by criminals:

"I would like to state categorically that I have never taken the money"

The liar is not saying that he/she did not take the money, merely that he/she would like to say that he/she did not take the money.

Clever eh?

Watch out for this lie, it is used a lot.

Graphologists

The number of companies using graphologists, to assess job interview candidates, has been increasing steadily.

The companies believe that the study of handwriting can lead to a meaningful insight into a person's character and mental state.

Utter tosh!

They would be just as well served by hiring an astrologer to conduct a palm reading.

My advice to those of you attending job interviews is simple; if the company uses graphology as part of their interview technique, walk out and don't waste your time, the company clearly has no idea how to asses people and doubtless has a lousy HR record.

Snow

Snow is wonderfully scenic and attractive to look at.

However, it becomes distinctly less attractive when you have to venture outside in order to go somewhere.

Blackheads and Clogged Pores

Those of you who suffer from blackheads and clogged pores may well be thinking of going to an expensive health club, to have them treated in the steam room.

Why waste money?

Simply pop into your nearest Indian restaurant and order a Vindaloo, the spices in that fine dish will open your pores and sweat those blackheads away.

Growth

Growth can only be achieved through; struggle, adversity, failure and challenge.

Great Marketing Cons of The 21st Century

Tooth paste manufacturers stack the shelves with multi purpose pastes, all claiming to be different, in order to sell these potions they have to create a demand for them.

One way to do that is to create a non existent condition, then claim that their product remedies that condition.

Sensitive teeth is one such example of a non existent condition. Mankind has survived for centuries without the sensitive teeth; yet, within the last few years, we are being bombarded with adverts telling us that we suffer from this non existent condition.

Utter nonsense, there is no such thing!

Bread Rolls

May I ask, what is the purpose of serving bread rolls at dinner?

Consuming a filler, such as bread, serves no purpose other than to fill the diner.

A good restaurant, or host, should serve sufficient food to staunch their guests' appetites; without the need to resort to the chicanery of bread rolls.

The Propeller

The propeller can teach us much about life.

In order to be effective, when lifting a plane into the skies, the propeller must face into the wind; only then will it attain sufficient lift.

Such is the case when one is confronted with adversity, in order to overcome and rise above adversity one must face it; do not hide away and avoid it.

The Powerful and The Stupid

The powerful and the stupid have one thing in common.

They both alter the facts to suit their view of reality.

Call Centre Operatives

I realise that it is now the norm for calls to major corporations to be handled by "call centre operatives", the 21st century equivalent of sweat shop labour.

However, I would ask this of the corporation, could you please hire operatives who speak clearly and into the telephone mouthpiece?

That at least would mean that I could understand and hear what they are saying, when they try to sell me an unwanted service/product.

Gravity

Much is made by people about the force of gravity.

To my view gravity is much overhyped, it is in fact a rather weak force. You can prove how weak gravity is for yourself; pass a magnet over a pin, the pin attaches itself to magnet thereby overcoming gravity.

The reason that gravity is so weak is that, in fact, it is leaking into our universe in waves from another universe.

Waves of gravity are focused, like a magnifying glass focuses the rays of the sun, by masses such as the earth; the focused gravity gives rise to a force, that we sloppily call "weight", which can be felt in our universe.

Diet

It is no coincidence that 75% of the word diet is "die".

When Things Go Wrong

When things go wrong follow this simple mantra.

Never complain, never explain.

Excuses

Don't make excuses.

No one ever believes them.

Airline Reward Schemes

What, may I ask, is the point of airline reward schemes; if the airlines never have an available seat for you to book with your points?

Sex Scandals

History is littered with the shattered corpses of politicians' careers, destroyed by their sexual peccadilloes.

The solution is simple, castrate all politicians when they take office.

Ready Made Meals

People who eat ready made meals, on a regular basis, make a number of excuses for this unhealthy habit; they claim that:

• The meals are non fattening, if they have chosen the "good for you" ranges pumped out by the supermarkets



• They are quick and easy to cook



• They are inexpensive



• They taste better than home cooking

My response to the above can be summed up in two words, "utter drivel".

Ready made meals, in comparison to freshly cooked food, are expensive and unhealthy.

The real reason that people eat these products, is because they are too lazy to cook for themselves.

My advice, get off your backsides and cook something fresh of a change; I have no sympathy for the lazy and indolent.

TV Adverts

Why is that TV adverts are broadcast at a higher sound volume than the programmes that they interrupt?

Political Correctness

When I hear the phrase "political correctness", I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

The Boy Who Cried Wolf

Those governments that seek to keep their citizens under control, by using alarmist terrorist threat warnings that prove to be false, would be well advised to remember the story of the boy who cried wolf.

What happened to him, could well happen to them.

Humour

Those governments and organisations that seek to regulate humour, to avoid giving offence to groups and individuals, fail to understand the very essence of humour; namely that it is often cruel, offensive and insensitive.

Those that seek to regulate humour, in this manner, lay the foundations of dictatorship.

Neither a Borrower or Lender Be

The above saying is regarded, these days, as being a tad outdated and irrelevant.

Given the decline of the Dollar and the impending economic collapse of the USA, as a result of the citizens of the USA living beyond their means, I feel that it has a certain resonance and relevance today.

Great Lies of The Modern World

"We are sorry for any inconvenience caused".

Binge Drinking

Britain is currently going through a period of self examination in respect of its problems with binge drinking, and drunken anti social behaviour.

The solution is simple, those successfully prosecuted for anti social drunken behaviour should be banned from being served alcohol in pubs and clubs.

The ban would be enforced by the application of a clearly visible tattoo, in place for a period determined by the courts, on the forehead of the offender stating:

"I am a drunken yob"

Bars and pubs that serve alcohol to people with these tattoos, would have their licences revoked.

The Most Depressing Day of The Year

Scientists have identified that the 24th of January is the most depressing day of the year.

That being the case, I recommend that it be declared "World Duvet Day"; whereby everyone is allowed to stay in bed all day.

The Cycle of Life

In billions of years time, our sun will expand to a red giant and swallow the earth.

Life on this planet will be extinct.

However, there is no need to panic, the building blocks to life have been found in deep freeze on Titan (one of Saturn's moons).

The expansion of the sun will set set these building blocks free from their frozen slumber, and the cycle of life will continue.

Hangovers

Don't write blogs when you have a hangover.

The Value of Money

It is an immutable law that as the size of notes and coins diminishes over the years, so does the intrinsic value of that currency.

Taking Sides

Human beings love to take sides.

That is why wars, fights and court cases are so popular.

Day Time TV

Valium for the masses.

The European Union

The European Union (EU) allegedly was set up to unify Europe, and to allow the free movement of people across borders within the EU.

That being the case, why is it that people still have to show passports when travelling from one European country to another?

Custodial Sentences

It is usually assumed that the two main purposes of custodial sentences are that they act as a deterrent, and that they reform the offender.

In reality, there is in fact another purpose of a custodial sentence; namely, to make others feel good about themselves for not breaking the law.

Mobile Phone Tariffs

Utterly incomprehensible!

These are clearly drafted by the same people who write the terms and conditions of credit card agreements.

Why?

After "No", "Why?" is the second most powerful word in the English language.

Global Warming

There is much comment in the media as regards the freak weather incidents being a portent of doom, with regard to weather change and global warming.

It is utter folly to base such a hypothesis on evidence, that only goes back a couple of centuries or so.

The world, and its weather, have been changing for aeons; there is no reliable empirical evidence, as yet, to prove the global warming/weather change theory.

Pizza

A much overrated dish, that is in effect little more than a fancy cheese and tomato sandwich.

Obsessive Fans

I am inclined to think that some of the more obsessive fans of showbiz folk should seek medical attention.

Their refusal to "brook" any form of criticism of their heros and heroines, and their rabid hatred of their detractors warrants some form of restraining order.

The Big Rip Off

Supermarkets are keenly installing machines that turn your loose change into shopping vouchers.

These machines are proving to be very popular with lazy customers, who cannot be bothered to bank their change, and with the supermarkets who make a nice profit on them.

They charge around 7% on the money tendered, and then only offer the customer a voucher; which they have to use "in store".

Now even the most dim witted individual should be able to see that it would be far better for the customer, if he/she has already bothered to take their loose change to the supermarket, to spend that cash directly and not lose the 7%.

Seemingly, some people deserve to be ripped off!

Advice to Clothes Stores

Whilst I fully appreciate the need for, and usefulness of, security tags; please could you ensure that you remove them from the purchased article, when you are wrapping it up for the customer.

I had to spend over 30 minutes trying to remove one, that had been left on my new jacket, yesterday.

Diets

Don't people realise that the new diets that they attempt to start each January are worthless, unless they stick to them for the rest of their lives?

Car Alarms

The noise of a car alarm is surely one of the most irritating noises on the planet. Yet these devices are, more often than not, ignored by the owners of the cars and passers by.

Let us rid ourselves of this scourge of modern life, and pass a decree whereby; if a car alarm is not silenced within 15 minutes, the car is blown up.

Burping

Should you feel a burp or a fart welling up inside of you, do not be constrained by social etiquette to keep it in.

Release it.

A release of pent up pressure is far better for the digestive tract.

Reputation

A person's reputation is the most valuable asset that he/she can have.

Do not squander it by associating with "less than reputable" people, or by becoming involved in illicit deals.

January

The most depressing aspect to January is the media blitz, launched by the food and pharmaceutical industry, that tries to convince us that we are overweight, lazy and unhealthy.

Some people are perfectly happy with their shape, weight and level of activity.

This propaganda, designed purely to sell us "snake oil" slimming products etc, must be stopped.

What Does The UN Do?

What does the UN actually do?

It is impotent when it comes to preventing/stopping wars and aggression between nation states.

It has been slow to act in response to last week's tsunami, yet it was very prompt to criticise the actions of other countries.

It seems that the time is now right to restructure this political dinosaur.

Charitable Donations

The current contest between the wealthy nations, as to which of them can give the most to the victims of last week's tsunami is disgusting and repellent.

Charitable donations and compassion should be given anonymously, not with a media fanfare telling the world how generous and selfless you are.

2005

Pinch, punch first post of the year!