Ken's Blue Blog
Musings on "the bleedin' obvious"; views on the meaning of life, or anything else that takes my fancy.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

New Year Resolutions

Avoid all New Year resolutions, they are never kept.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Merry Christmas

I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and a peaceful and prosperous 2011.

Thursday, December 23, 2010

Question For The Liberal Democrats

If you really hate the coalition that much, why are you in it?

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Advice To Vince Cable

Declarations of war tend only to be effective if made publicly, rather than "on the sly" to young giggly female reporters posing as constituents.

Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Advice To Channel 4 News

Don't try to interview people standing by airport runways.

Monday, December 20, 2010

Advice To Alan Sugar

Before selecting the final 16 candidates for The Apprentice "reality" show, check their CVs first.

Friday, December 17, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Given that you are now 3.5kg, please could you refrain from using my stomach as a trampoline at night when I am trying to sleep.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When running frantically up the stairs, at the same time as I am walking up them, please remember that my legs are solid objects that you cannot pass through; you need to divert around my legs in order to get to the top first.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My nose is not a doorbell to be pressed/patted when you are trying to wake me up, or grab my attention, in the morning.

Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Advice To Southern Rail

It would be really nice if you guys fixed the automatic door of the toilet on the train that I had the misfortune to travel on yesterday, so that it actually closes when people are using it.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Advice To Airlines

Avoid serving curry and fish on the same flight.

Thursday, December 09, 2010


Governments and politicans are the cause, not the solution, of problems.

Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

What is it with you and the fireplace chimney?

Honestly, there is nothing up there!

Tuesday, December 07, 2010


Life is like a pair of shoes, it takes a while to "wear it and break it in" before it begins to feel comfortable.

Monday, December 06, 2010

Advice To Litigators

A man cannot pay with his hearse, only with his purse.

Friday, December 03, 2010

Question For The Media

Why on earth are you so surprised that Russia won the right to host the 2018 World Cup?

They were the favourites from the start.

Thursday, December 02, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Having successfully chased and killed the flies that you so love to hunt, please could you either eat the corpses or throw them away.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010


Why does the UK react with total shock, and grind to a halt every time it snows?

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat


Did you not read my advice of yesterday, wrt your 3AM morning parade?

This morning's addition to the 3AM routine, of jumping on and off the bed with your toy moose, was really OTT!

Monday, November 29, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

As endearing as the "morning parade" is (where you jump up on the bed, walk up and down purring and pat my nose in the expectation that I will get up and feed you), holding the parade at 3AM this morning was a tad too early.

Friday, November 26, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I know I that I have spoken to you before about this, but there really is nothing up our fireplace chimney that could be of the remotest interest to you.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

Rail Upgrades

Promising upgrades in train rolling stock that will not be in situ until 2019 is taking the piss, even by the lousy standards that the long suffering rail traveller has had to endure over the decades.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Question For The Government

Why, if we are already contributing to the IMF (which in turn is partly contributing to the Irish bailout), do we need to offer a separate bilateral loan to Ireland?

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please be advised that my nose is not a "servants' bell" to be pushed when you are hungry, most especially when I am asleep in bed.

Monday, November 22, 2010

Question For The Pope

If condoms are now deemed by the church (under certain circumstances) to help reduce the spread of HIV, how is it that they weren't deemed to be of any use before?

Friday, November 19, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wear slippers when running up and down our wooden stairs in the middle of the night.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

Advice To Businessmen

Beware those who proffer a "solution" to a business issue that provides the "least grief to everyone".

Invariably those who proffer such a "solution" are only thinking of reducing their "grief".

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Advice To BBC Headline Writers

Re "World Delighted at Royal Engagement Announcement", most of the people of the world are blissfully unaware of the announcement and have no idea as to who Prince William and Kate Middleton are.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

The Future

The future beckons, so do not remain stuck in the past.

Monday, November 15, 2010

Advice To The British People

Avoid "recreational grief", it is neither becoming nor healthy.

Friday, November 12, 2010

The Measure of a Man

The measure of a man's life can be gauged by the effect that he has on others.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please, during one of your extended purring and biscuit making sessions, could you pause and wipe your mouth before you dribble over me.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wind is not a threat to your health and safety.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

Advice To The Manufacturers of Toilets

Please adjust the sensitivity (downwards) of motion detection flush mechanisms.

Monday, November 08, 2010


Those who never make mistakes, never achieve or produce anything.

Friday, November 05, 2010

The Interent

Is it me/my pc/Virgin, or is the internet running really slowly today?

Thursday, November 04, 2010

Advice To The Republican Party

Now that you have won the House of Representatives, on the back of popular public discontent with the pace of change, you now have to come up with some policies that actually work.

Simply blocking every piece of legislation put forward by the Democrats, and saying that the deficit and taxes can be reduced at the same time are not policies that are viable or credible.

Wednesday, November 03, 2010


Never allow others to set the agenda.

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Advice To Businessmen

Beware doing business with people who, when asked a direct question, seek to lose you in a "wilderness of mirrors" via their answer.

Monday, November 01, 2010

Advice To Businessmen

Beware of doing business with politicians, they invariably "jump ship" at times of crisis in order to avoid being blamed for any problems that have arisen.

Friday, October 29, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you run upstairs at breakneck speed, please do remember that there is a wall at the top of the stairs. I am sure that you constantly running, head first, into that wall cannot be doing you any good at all.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am still trying to enter your photo into the Gourmet cat portrait competition.

However, owing to the fact that the Gourmet site doesn't work properly, I cannot log in to upload your photo.

Gourmet advise me that their technical experts are now looking into it.

I will let you know if they ever fix the problem and I am able to upload your picture.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Advice To Train Companies

Those of you who are thinking of reducing costs, by removing toilets from some of your services, may care to remember that even cattle being transported by rail for slaughter are given straw to shit on.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

What Goes Around

Those who revel in inflicting death and destruction on others, one day end up on the receiving end.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Put The Candle Out

There comes a time for those in mourning over the death of a loved one, the break up of a relationship or related life traumas (eg loss of a job) where they need to "put the candle out", before it uses up all the oxygen.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Question For The Government

Why have you increased the overseas aid budget yet, at the same time, cut back on the domestic budget?

Thursday, October 21, 2010


When is an aircraft carrier not an aircraft carrier?

Answer: When it has no planes that it can use.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Our house guest has gone back to his own home now, staring at the chair in which he sat won't bring him back.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Advice To Brighton Council

Beware high profile building projects, into which you have "invested political capital", the timescale of which are "very much in the laps of the banks".

Monday, October 18, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am delighted that you enjoy playing with your toy moose that Eva brought you back from Sweden. However, when playing with it at 4am please could you not do so in our bedroom and on our bed.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Advice To Governments and Diplomats

Slamming a door in someone else's face may mean that you are unable to walk through it later.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


Just as a wrinkle in a suit tells more about the wearer than a suit that is perfectly pressed, so do people's character flaws.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Iterative Text

Complete and utter bollocks, I spurn it as I would spurn a rabid dog!

Friday, October 08, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

There really is nothing of interest to you up the chimney...honest!

Thursday, October 07, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please don't stare excessively at our guests when they are eating their breakfast, it disconcerts them.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

Question For My Cat

Why did you not eat the piece of salmon I poached for you?

Tuesday, October 05, 2010

Question For The BBC

Why on earth does your "Southern Region" include Oxford and its environs?

Monday, October 04, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your mouth/nose occasionally during periods of protracted purring, in order to lessen the amount of dribble that you deposit on me.

Friday, October 01, 2010

Over Engineering

Over engineered processes are bound to fail.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Advice To Cat Owners

Don't dye your pussies pink, the poor animal will be hugely embarrassed when it socialises with its cat chums.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Apologies To My Cat

I apologise for coughing so loudly yesterday that I woke you up, and caused you to have to go to another room in order to continue with your nap.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Monday, September 27, 2010

Financial Reality

Politicians' soundbites and financial reality rarely match.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Advice To Prospective House Buyers

Make sure that you have a survey done first, before you buy the property.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


Excess brandy can give one a "Richard Burton throat".

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The shallots in the veg basket are not cat footballs.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Advice To Z List Celebs

Check your bathrooms (home and hotel) for hidden cameras, in the event you don't find one make sure that you have one to hand.

Monday, September 20, 2010

Wireless Broadband

What is the point of wireless broadband if the farking connection keeps dropping?

Thursday, September 16, 2010


Whenever I read the word "ameliorate" in a report I instantly reach for my sick bag.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


Companies and individuals should, at regular intervals, ask themselves why they do something in a particular way.

It is a most constructive means of self improvement.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Pass The Sick Bag

Whenever I receive an email, offering me an article/product/service, containing the phrase "we are very excited by this..." I instinctively reach for my sick bag.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Friday, September 10, 2010

Advice To Callers

When leaving a mobile number for me to respond to your messages, make sure that the number actually works!

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Advice To Religious Bigots

Where first you burn books, next you will burn people.

Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Advice To LA Fitness

Stop bombarding my phone and email with offers to rejoin.

You were given a very clear and detailed written explanation as to why I did not renew my membership last year, which bit don't you "get"?

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Question For My Cat

Your food bowls are for your food, the floor is for the food bowls to rest on.

Why do you insist on throwing your food, even your biscuits, on the floor?

Monday, September 06, 2010


Full marks to the good citizens of Hanover for organising/participating in yesterday's Zocalo.

It was very enjoyable!

Friday, September 03, 2010

Wireless Broadband

Why does the connection always drop at the most crucial moment?

Thursday, September 02, 2010


Just as ships needs the stars and GPS (when it works) to navigate by, so do people need others to help/advise them on their life paths.

Friday, August 27, 2010

August Bank Holidays

Why do August bank holiday weekends always start with a downpour?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Changing History

Those who think that they can change history are deluding themselves, individuals are but grains of sand being buffeted by the ocean of history.

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

The Annoying Beep

Will whoever it is who "owns" the annoying intermittent beep, that has been going on for the last hour outside of my house, please stop it?

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Once you have attacked and crippled a fly, at least have the good manners to eat it.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Question For The Met Office

Are you really certain that this is the driest summer since 1914?

Friday, August 20, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When inviting your cat friends round to play/eat in your/our home in the middle of the night, please could you ask him to expel his fur ball outside the house before coming in?

Thursday, August 19, 2010

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please exterminate the wasp that is annoying the hell out of me this morning.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Politicians will only address an issue if they are cast into the spotlight, and believe that they will either gain glory or avoid humiliation from addressing the issue.

Monday, August 16, 2010

Advice To Virgin Media II

Seriously guys if I were you I would sort out the connectivity issues wrt my broadband connection pdq, my patience is now at an end.

Friday, August 13, 2010

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Advice To Virgin Media

Fix my lousily performing broadband connection asap.

Monday, August 09, 2010

Virgin Broadband

My Virgin broadband connections has been total shit for the last few days, anyone else having this problem?

Friday, August 06, 2010

Question For Failing Hoteliers

Why did you ask for the help of "The Hotel Inspector" when all you then do is to argue with her, and try to pretend that your hotel is well run?

Thursday, August 05, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The keyboard of my pc is not the equivalent of a "bead massage" seat for cats.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Advice To MPs

As long as you use bars in the Palace of Westminster that are open all hours and subsidised by the taxpayer, then kindly refrain from lecturing the rest of us about our drinking habits and the dangers of supermarkets selling cheap booze.

Monday, August 02, 2010


Monday's have a habit of creeping up on you when they are least welcome.

Friday, July 30, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Moths do not speak "cat", therefore it is a waste of time meowing to them.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I am pleased that you have heeded my advice re the ironing board not being a threat, and that you now seem to be less afraid of it.

However, maybe you could refrain from using it as a springboard from which to jump onto my stomach when I am reclining near by?

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The ironing board is not a predator, nor does it present a clear and present danger to your safety.

Tuesday, July 27, 2010


Blockades lead to war, be very certain that is what you want when you apply them.

Monday, July 26, 2010

Friday, July 23, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Dead moths in your mouth are not really suitable for parading with pride in our kitchen.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Living In The Past

Those who wallow in past battles and wars (either in self pity or self congratulations) are condemned never to move forward into the future.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Advice To The US Senate

The Scottish legal system is autonomous from the English one.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Advice To Restaurants

Where you have an online resevration system on your website, for fark's sake use one that actually works!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Friday, July 16, 2010


There is ALWAYS such a thing as coincidence!

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wind rustling the curtains does not, under normal circumstances, constitute a threat to your safety.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Advice To Sky Call Centre

Given that we have told you that MrX does not live at our address, and that we do not have (nor ever had) a Sky account, kindly stop ringing us and delete our phone number from your records.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When "presenting" fur balls please could you use your tray, or even the garden, rather than our newly cleaned Chinese rug?

Monday, July 12, 2010

Friday, July 09, 2010

Advice To Self

When "cutting and pasting" it is advisable to complete both parts of the operation before going on to "cut" again.

Thursday, July 08, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Bringing your friends over is very nice, but do you all have to run up and down all the stairs of our house at 4am?

Wednesday, July 07, 2010


Funerals would be much easier to organise without the input of family and priests.

Tuesday, July 06, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your paws after trying to climb the chimneys of our fireplaces.

Monday, July 05, 2010

Friday, July 02, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Potato salad (with chives and spring onions) is really not to your taste, honest!

Thursday, July 01, 2010


When acting in haste to "prove" your standpoint, always make sure that your "facts" match reality.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Advice To FIFA

When selecting the next England team and manager, opt for those who are paid considerably less than the current "stars". That way they will have the incentive to actually try to play/manage, in order to better their chances of future wealth.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Advice To The Co-op

When running a competition that requires people to look for a code allegedly printed inside a sticky label, ensure that the printing firm that you select to print these labels is up to the job.

Monday, June 28, 2010

Question for Obstructionists

Saying "no" is easy.

When are you going to contribute a creative and helpful idea?

Friday, June 25, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please remember to bring your credit card with you the next time we take you to the vet, otherwise "daddy" will always end up having to pay for you.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Advice To Directors

Read previous board minutes in order to avoid historical inaccuracies.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010


There are some people who regard those who act with "honour" as being weak. This view is erroneous, and will "blow back" on those who hold it.

Monday, June 21, 2010

Moral Fibre

Those who make excuses when the ordure hits the airconditioning, reveal how lacking they are in moral fibre.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Advice To Nat West

Re your new customer charter, it would be wise to practice what you preach before publicising this document so widely.

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Advice To Barack Obama

When berating BP about causing environmental damage, do not forget that the US military in Iraq has caused massive environmental damage too, from toxic substances in the ordinance used, which is not just poisoning the land but also the people who live in the affected areas.

I could also mention Union Carbide, but that was before your time.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Economic Sanctions

Economic (non military) sanctions are the last resort of the powerless and angry.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Moths are no substitute for a healthy balanced diet of Iams and Felix.

Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Advice To Self Employed Artisans

Sort out your child care arrangements before making bookings with clients.

Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Advice To Liars and Conmen

When spinning a lie, for heaven's sake remember to make sure that it is consistent and cannot be contradicted by those who you interact with (or who interact with each other).

Monday, June 07, 2010

Advice To Residential Property Boards

Focus on the important issues, do not use your position/role to pursue petty gripes and issues.

Friday, June 04, 2010

How To Spot A Conman

He insists on paying for a large value company order in cash.

Thursday, June 03, 2010

Advice To Conmen

Don't try to free ride other companies' publicity by not answering press enquiries asking for confirmation that a story may refer to your organisation.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Beer Barrels

There is something very reassuring hearing the sound of the beer barrels being delivered to our nearby pub every Wednesday morning, even the cat likes to watch from the bedroom window.

Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Question To The Designers of The Olympics Mascots

Why does one look like a penis, and the other like a knife wielding Sonic The Hedgehog?

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Newly varnished floors tend to look nicer without paw prints (a la "Hollywood Walk of Fame").

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Advice To Unite

Don't tweet updates of a meeting whist you are still having that meeting.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Question For The Duchess of York

What on earth made you think that a "legitimate businessman" would pay £500K to meet with Prince Andrew?

Friday, May 21, 2010


Markets are not rational, but operate on three fundamental principles:

- Greed
- Fear
- Momentum

Politicians need to take that onboard before they make pronouncements.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wearing of sunglasses by myself or Eva does not constitute a threat to your safety.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Monday, May 17, 2010

Memo To Self

Look up the recipe for the most excellent rum based cocktail "dark and stormy".

Friday, May 14, 2010

Question To The BA Management and Union

Once you have destroyed British Airways, do you have secondary jobs to go to?

Thursday, May 13, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Bluebottles, even large bluebottles, do not provide you with a healthy source of nutrition; least of all when you choose to bring them on to our bed to feast on.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

A New Age

Let us see how long the new age of British politics will last.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Nanny's Back!

Good morning loyal readers!

Doubtless many of you have been wondering where this site went to over the last couple of days, indeed I have received a number of worried emails from some of you expressing concerns about the site's unexpected disappearance from cyberspace.

Well, here we are again, I will now relate to you what happened.

Google's (the owner of Blogger) spam bots claimed that Nanny Knows Best was a spam blog and, believing in the principle of shooting first and asking questions later (instead of the more sensible reverse policy), disabled it and asked me to prove it wasn't spam.

Wouldn't it have been more sensible to ask me first if it was spam, and to say if I don't come back in 3 days or so they will then disable the site?

Having deactivated the site without any warning, I was told by Google that I would have to wait several days for them to reactivate it:

"Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What is a spam blog?) Since you are an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy and we sincerely apologise for this false positive.

We received your unlock request on 09 May 2010. On behalf of the robots, we apologise for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam

I decided that being asked to wait for such a long period of time was not very satisfactory, given that this site has been going for many years and has a real human following etc. Therefore I enlisted your help and asked (via my other sites) for people to drop Google a note prodding them about this.

Oddly enough, for a leading 21st century web company, Google is rather hard to contact directly via email.

Nonetheless I found a number of access points:


- Phone: +44 (0)20-7031-3000
- Fax: +44 (0)20-7031-3001

I also faxed the CEO (Eric Schmidt) in the USA (+1 650-253-0001) about it. Oddly enough, within an hour or so of faxing, the site reappeared as if by magic.

My heartfelt thanks to all of you who wrote in, and helped restore this site.

It is ironic that NKB was shut down, as it campaigns against censorship etc.

To add further irony to the story, my HMRC site (www.hmrcisshite.com) which is also on Google was also temporarily out of action on Sunday. However, it restored itself within a few hours.

However, what was really odd was that my gmail account (another Google product) was disabled by Google on Sunday. They asked me to email them my mobile phone number in order for them to send me a reactivation code.

Is Google trying to tell me something?

Once again many thanks for your support and help during this period of stupidity by Google.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Nanny Knows Best

Off topic, but I would appreciate help from those of you who also read "Nanny Knows Best".

Google's spam bots claim that Nanny Knows Best is spam and have temporarily disabled it.

I now have to wait several days for them to reactivate it:

"Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What is a spam blog?) Since you are an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy and we sincerely apologise for this false positive.

We received your unlock request on 09 May 2010. On behalf of the robots, we apologise for locking your non-spam blog. Please be patient while we take a look at your blog and verify that it is not spam

If you can find time to drop Google a note prodding them about this, it would be much appreciated.


Phone: +44 (0)20-7031-3000
Fax: +44 (0)20-7031-3001

It is ironic as NKB campaigns against censorship etc, and indeed (oddly enough) my HMRC site was also down yesterday for a few hours plus my Gmail account (which needed me to reactivate it by sending in my mobile phone number for a special code).

Is Google trying to tell me something?



Friday, May 07, 2010

Thursday, May 06, 2010

The Election

Whatever the result of today's election, taxes will rise and services will be cut.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My suitcase is for my clothes, it is not a cat basket.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Advice To Those in Business

Be wary of those who explicitly ask you to "trust them".

Monday, April 26, 2010

Advice To Self

Don't press the send button on an email, without first checking who you are sending it to.


Friday, April 23, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please do not bring twigs from the garden into our bed.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Advice To Spammers

If you are going to spam my blogs, for fark's sake learn to spell!

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Monday, April 19, 2010

Advice To Stranded Brits Abroad

Stop whinging, would you prefer to have your plane's engines stall and crash?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Advice To Self

Avoid the "brandy" called "Fabuloso".

Thursday, April 15, 2010

Advice To The Catholic Church

Blaming the Jews and gays for problems of your own creation is "foolish" to say the least.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please wipe your paws before jumping on our bed.

Monday, April 12, 2010

Question For My Cat

Do you prefer the red plastic milk bottle ring top, to the blue one to play with?

Friday, April 09, 2010

Advice To The Media

During this "exciting" election you may care to focus on the policies of the parties and candidates themselves, rather than on what the party leaders wives are wearing.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

General Election

Another general election looms, be still my beating heart!

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Climb The Mountain

It is worthwhile climbing the mountain, in order to feel the wind in your face.

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

Question For The Catholic Church

Are you insane?

There is no way that some negative press comments can be in any way compared to the abuse and suffering inflicted upon the Jewish people in the past.

Thursday, April 01, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My water glass is for me to drink from, your water bowl is for your to drink from.

Wednesday, March 31, 2010

The Joys of Spring

Oh the joys of the British spring!

Blizzards in the North, gales and torrential rain in the South.

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please stop chasing bumble bees, the swollen paw you suffered from yesterday as a result of your bumble bee chasing was rather expensive to treat.

Monday, March 29, 2010

Friday, March 26, 2010


Beware "experts" who are blinded by their own certainty.

Thursday, March 25, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Following yesterday's advice re climbing the chimney flue, which you have ignored, please will you at least wipe your paws after you emerge from the flue so that you do not cover our sofa in sooty pawprints.

Thank you.

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The flues of our fireplace chimneys are not climbing frames for cats.

Tuesday, March 23, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Twigs are best left outside of the house, and are not really at their best when placed on the stairs.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Eat Porridge

Start your day with ummph, eat a bowl of porridge.

Friday, March 19, 2010

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Advice To Self

It is inadvisable to mix Guinness, Bacardi, Mateus Rose and Irish coffees when celebrating St Patrick's night!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Advice To Jacuzzi Users

Avoid jacuzzis that have a "foam" surface of white bubbles.

This is not detergent, soap or foaming agent but is in fact skin scales and body fat.

It means that the jacuzzi is filthy!

Monday, March 15, 2010

Monday Mornings

Monday mornings never become any easier.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Making History

Certain individuals would kid themselves, and others, that they are "making history".

No one "makes history", they are merely part of it.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your plate is for your food, the floor is for your plate; not vice versa!

Wednesday, March 10, 2010

Advice To Glow Worm Boilers

Stop bombarding me with phone calls, I do not want your boiler insurance.

Tuesday, March 09, 2010

The Forest of Laws

Over the centuries a forest of laws, designed to protect the rights of the innocent, have been planted in Britain.

Those who would cut these laws down, on the pretext of "imprisoning the devil", would not be able to stand against the wind of dictatorship that would follow this deforestation.

Monday, March 08, 2010

Friday, March 05, 2010

Question For British Gas

Re your insane quote for replacing my mum's boiler, are you farking mad?

Thursday, March 04, 2010

Question For TV Network Executives

Do you really think that the British public want to be subjected to three debates between Brown, Cameron and Clegg?

Wednesday, March 03, 2010

Question For British Gas

Why do you need so many different contact numbers?

Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Advice To Suppliers

Asking the same question each day will only elicit the same response.

Monday, March 01, 2010

Advice To A Well Known High Street Bank

When I warn you that there is a high risk that a fraud may be occurring in one of your customer accounts, you would be well advised to look into it as a matter of urgency.

Friday, February 26, 2010

Low Moods

Low moods are sometimes necessary in order to help you fully appreciate the highs.

Thursday, February 25, 2010


Once the bond of trust has been broken it is very difficult to rebuild.

Monday, February 22, 2010

When Push Comes To Shove

Beware colleagues who are quick to blame others during times of crisis.

Friday, February 19, 2010


Those who make stews should also consume them.

Thursday, February 18, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Your tail is best chased on the floor, not our bed.

Wednesday, February 17, 2010

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Advice To Online Retailers

Update your stock lists to show when a product is out of stock.

Monday, February 15, 2010

Advice To Gordon Brown

Having released the "emotional genie", in readiness for the election, you may find it hard to pout it back in the bottle.

Friday, February 12, 2010


When falling off a mountain then is as a good a time as any to to try to fly.

Thursday, February 11, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The cat flap works both ways, it is not just a door into the house but also a door into the garden.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Advice To Entrepreneurs

Don't become emotional over a failed business.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010

Joint Ventures

Joint ventures fail when the parties involved don't work together for the good of the company.

Monday, February 08, 2010

Self Delusion

Self delusion is not the same as self sufficiency.

Friday, February 05, 2010

Advice To Those In Ascendancy

Beware those with political and personal ambitions riding on your coattails.

Thursday, February 04, 2010

Wednesday, February 03, 2010

Advice To Religious Zealots

Don't try to abduct other people's children, on the pretext of "saving them".

Tuesday, February 02, 2010

Advice To Gordon Brown

Don't go round assaulting members of your staff, it's bad for morale.

Monday, February 01, 2010


Fanaticism occurs in "democracies", not just dictatorships

Friday, January 29, 2010


Death is not to be feared, it's life that is scary.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Advice To Gordon Brown

A preliminary estimate of 0.1% "growth" does not a recovery make!

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Letting Go of The Past

Beware clinging onto the past and reproaching yourself for past errors/mistakes. The chain of self reproach and guilt that you forge, link by link, will hold you back from achieving all that you are capable of achieving.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Making Enemies

It is advisable to only make enemies of the dead, living enemies may one day be in a position to harm you.

Friday, January 22, 2010


Pleasure is not the same as happiness.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please eat your Iams this morning, we promise to restock your supplies of Felix later today!

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Beware leaders who rush to war without any doubts, they will lead themselves and their people to destruction.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010


Victors who stay the hand of vengeance, in order to deliver justice, win the peace.

Monday, January 18, 2010


It is better to go mad with power, rather than mad without power. Those with power tend to be listed to more than those without power.

Friday, January 15, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

We appreciate you acting as a "natural" alarm clock. However, please be advised that we tend not to get up at 4:00AM.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Headbutting a closed door will not open it.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Christmas Decorations

Why is it that no matter how carefully you think that you have denuded the house of Christmas decorations at least one is discovered, still in situ, several days later?

Monday, January 11, 2010

Advice To The Labour Party

Turn off the lights when you leave (are booted out of) government.

Friday, January 08, 2010

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

We are not trying to poison you when we give you your regular anti worming protection.

Thursday, January 07, 2010

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

The World's Tallest Building

No matter how tall the structure, a building constructed on sand will eventually return to the sand.

Tuesday, January 05, 2010


The arrival of the New Year has been greeted by a veritable deluge of spam spewed forth into people's mailboxes.

Monday, January 04, 2010

Advice To Gordon Brown

Promising the long suffering British electorate a "decade of prosperity" is all very well. However, that is what you were meant to have been doing for us for the past 10 years!