2015

A happy, healthy, peaceful and prosperous 2015 to everyone!

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas and a peaceful and prosperous 2015!

Two Years

Whenever a politician or businessman says something will take two years to solve, be assured that he/she is lying. What he/she really means is that he/she has absolutely no clue as to whether the problem can be solved or how long it will take to solve.

Garlic

Today is a two cloves of garlic day for breakfast!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

It is rude, and not ladylike, to fart in my face at 4am when I am in bed trying to sleep.

Wounded Bears

Beware a wounded bear, it will strike you back.

Frost's Law

Decisions made and actions taken in the days running up to Christmas are invariably regretted in the days after New Year.

Advice To Hoteliers

You are there for your guests' convenience, not the other way around!

Pasta

It is unwise to eat large amounts of pasta three meals in succession.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The morning cat parade and circus on our bed is all very entertaining and "spectacular". However, please could you reschedule it from 4am to something a little closer to 7am?

Card Fraudsters

A pox upon the thieving little c*nt who tried to steal money from my bank account today!

Advice To The Advertisers of Antiperspirants

People do not wave their arms in the air, displaying their armpits for others to admire, with gormless self satisfied grins on their faces.

Advice To Travel Agents

Check your e tickets first before sending them to your clients, as time travel is not yet possible and it is "unlikely" to say the least that you can arrive the same day (when travelling eastwards long haul) before you left.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

There is no need to drag your food from your plate onto the floor when you are eating. The clean plate that we provide you with is there to be used for eating from.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you shed your claws on the floor/carpet, please could you pick them up and dispose of them properly.

Advice To Consumers

Don't fight over products in stores, not only is it undignified it is pointless; the product's "novelty" will soon wear off, and the void that the product temporarily filled will return with a vengeance!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

Evil

Evil can never face itself. Hence, in order to destroy it you must confront it with itself.

Temporal Paradoxes

Temporal paradoxes are resolved by the creation and addition of a new time-stream to those already in existence. Hence time travel is perfectly possible.

Log Fires

When tending a particularly sooty log fire, it is always advisable to scrub your nails thoroughly before going to bed.

Cat Alarm Clocks

Cats are very reliable alarm clocks. Unfortunately they are programmed to wake you at 5am.

Happy Beaujolais Nouveau Day

Ooh La La!

Happy World Toilet Day

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Staring at my intently from the windowsill, in the early hours, won't get me out of bed any faster in the mornings to feed you.

Firmly Grounded

The more firmly you are grounded, the greater the heights you can aspire to fly to.

Flat Roofs

Given the predominance of rain in the UK, it is very bold of some people to design and build flat roofed homes.

Advice To Manufacturers of Prepacked Sliced Chicken Breast

Pressing the wafer thin slices of reformed chicken slurry so tightly together in the pack makes it impossible to separate them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please don't dribble into my ear when I am sleeping.

Armistice Day

Thor's Hammer

Thor is continuing to strike his hammer against his anvil, this despite it being November.

Have we displeased him in some way?

Advice To Spiders

Get out of my bathroom, or I will send the cat in after you!

Fireworks

When positioning a Roman Candle, or an equivalent star shooting pyrotechnic, it is advisable to ensure that the location is not overhung by a tree!

Bonfire Night

Happy Bonfire Night!

Halloween Pumpkins

It is inadvisable to use more than one candle in a Halloween pumpkin, lest the pumpkin catches fire from the excess heat.

Test of Character

It is a true test of someone's character to get up on a wet, windy, grey, cheerless November Monday morning!

Happy Halloween!

Happy Halloween!

A to B

The shortest route from A to B may well be a straight line. However, it may well not be the most interesting route.

Jumpers

When donning a jumper, it is important to check that it is not bearing stains from the previous evening's curry.

Advice To Tesco

Don't put pictures of penises on your buttermilk cartons.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Flageolet beans do not normally form part of a cat's diet!

Burying The Hatchet

When burying the hatchet be sure to do so firmly between the shoulder blades of your mortal enemy!

The Voice In Your Head

It is wise to follow the voice in your head.

However, be sure to choose the right voice; otherwise there may be a problem!

Sod's Law

It is the law of sod, that when you need a taxi to take the cat to the vet its takes farking 30 minutes to arrive!

New Leases of Life

New leases of life are not often granted, as and when they are use them to their utmost.

Advice To My PC

Sort out the "unresponsive script" issue, or I will take an axe to you!

Bananas

Bananas are a most efficacious way to start the day.

Advice To Apprentice Candidates

- You are not stealth bombers.

- There can only be 100% of anything tangible.

- Being 90% "handsome" is irrelevant and purely subjective.

etc etc sigh!

Advice To People Who Use Leisure Club Saunas

They are not airing cupboards for your towels!

Chums

A chum is someone who stays in touch on occasions other than when he/she wants money.

Dead Flies

Based on my long term observations of the dead fly on my desk and the one hanging from a spider's web above it, dead flies appear to never rot they merely dry up.

Fascinating!

Bleeding

Never let your colleagues or your enemies see you bleed.

Autumn

Autumn is most certainly here with a vengeance!

Sartorial Advice For Autumn

The onset of Autumn means it is time to pack away the white suit.

Monday Morning

Monday morning did not start well, with me dropping my half eaten banana on the floor and staining my nice white shirt with parsley juice!

A Sunny Start To October

Another sunny day at the start of October!

Here's to global warming!

Garlic Crushers

It is a fundamental law of the universe that garlic crushers are useless!

Question For Microsoft

Whilst it is heartening to see that you have finally got the message that everyone thinks that Windows 8 is bollocks, what happened to Windows 9?

Was that in development, but also deemed to be bollocks pre release?

The Joy of Christmas Trees

Kudos to a local resident who was obviously so attached to their "living" Christmas tree that they could only bring themselves to throw out its brown, withered husk today!

Pork Chops and Stuffing

Fatty, thick pork chops and stuffing; a meal that just keeps on giving!

The Internet - Back To Basics

Let us stop the trolling, hate spewing and scummy use of the internet and go back to basics and remember what the internet was invented for.

The sharing of pictures of cats!

Question For Sustainable Fadists

Is the credit card use use to buy your "sustainable" produce made from sustainable materials?

War With An Unknown

Apparently we are most likely to be at war by the weekend with an organisation (IS, ISIL, ISIS - depending on who is talking about it) that most people had not heard of a year ago.

One might ask where this organisation, that now has in its possession territory, oil and weapons, drew its initial support and funding from. At the very least we should at least identify what it is called.

Autumnal Nip

Now that there is a distinct Autumnal nip in the air, expect an increase in demand for the services of central heating repair bods.

Celery

Celery for breakfast is most efficacious.

The Scottish Referendum

Thanks Scotland for deciding to stay with us.

The United Kingdom

Whatever the result of today's vote in Scotland, the United Kingdom will never be the same again.

The Union

Less than 24 hours to save the Union!

Advice To Microsoft

For farks sake sort out the glitches and slowness of Microsoft Outlook (nee Hotmail)!

Sunny Monday

A sunny Monday morning in mid September?

Am I awake?

Advice To My PC

Don't "ping" at me when I command you to do something, just do it!

How To Tell When Politicians Are Panicking

When they agree with each other.

Advice To Professional Bodies

Don't cold call your members!

The Union

How the fark has an individual of Alex Salmond's incapability been allowed to destroy the Union?

Stress Buckets

Stress buckets should be emptied regularly, lest they overflow and cause an unpleasant mess!

Beans

Beans are not just for one meal, but for at least 24 hours!

Cease Fire Agreements

Cease fire agreements are only valid if the parties to the agreement are also the combatants.

Urgency

Those who mark their missives to others "urgent", rarely perform with a sense of urgency themselves when asked the same.

Advice To The Premier League

£750M in transfer fees??!!

Irrespective of the fact you will try to recoup that money by screwing the fans via extortionate ticket prices and selling t shirts and other shite with redesigned branding, are you farking demented?

Box Ticking

Box ticking is the curse of innovation and creativity.

The Curse of Windows

It is the curse of Windows that it will download mega large, pc slowing, files just at the very moment you are trying to use your farking pc!

The Ice Bucket Challenge

Have a care people, this looks like it is getting seriously out of hand. The consequences of which will be a global shortage of ice cubes.

Then how will we be able to combat global warming?

Peace Treaties

The most effective peace treaties are those negotiated by people who do not know whose side they are negotiating for.

Expanding Economies

As economies expand, so does the largesse of politicians with other people's money!

The Power of Mirrors

Bank Holiday Alert

The last bank holiday before Christmas is rapidly approaching, make the most of it!

Bin Day

Hooray Hooray today is bin day!

Be still my beating heart.

Summer

Where the fark has the summer gone?

It's still August for fark's sake, but feels as chilly as October.

Beware The Morphing of The Police and Military

Yummy

Advice To Spiders

When you have gone to the trouble of spinning a web and catching a fly, the least you can do is eat the hapless corpse; instead of letting it hang there and gather dust!

Aid

Q: When is aid not aid?

A: When it is given by those you don't agree with.

Stars

A star is often brightest before its demise.

Monday Morning

Aargh...another Monday morning has crashed into my life!

Burglar Deterrent Kit

Perfect Branding

Money

You can never have enough money.

Mornings

Those of you who wake up in the mornings feeling edgy, irritable and not ready to face the morning should simply not bother waking up until after noon; that way you don 't have to face the morning.

Red Stripe Alert

Farking hell, there is only one can of Red Stripe left.

Panic in the streets!

Countdown To The Great War

-	-	-	-
DAYS	HRS	MINS	SECS

Advice To Neighbours' Cats

We are not a cat cafe.

Touch Screen Notebooks

These devices are all very well and dandy, but only if you have a steady hand.

Addicted To Sanctions

Those countries that slap sanctions on all and sundry who do not meet their moral/ethical approval may care to reflect that if they sanction too many people, organisations and countries they may well end up isolating themselves from the global financial system.

Documents

It is unwise to leave important documents in the vicinity of a cat.

Monday Morning Struck By Thor's Hammer

This Monday morning has been repeatedly struck by Thor's hammer, a truly auspicious start to the week!

Friday's Phrase

"Well crafted"

Meetings

Meetings, the alternative to real work.

Seagulls

Seagulls are cunning creatures, they identify the timid and fearful tourists then swoop down and frighten them into dropping their fish and chips on the floor.

Markets

Those who participate in markets (eg FX, housing, stocks etc) should be aware that all markets are rigged in favour of the "house".

Journeys

No matter how good or bad a journey is, it is never over until you reach your final destination.

Loyalty

Loyalty demands more courage than betrayal.

The Time To Feel Good

The time to feel good is when you have successfully completed the task at hand, and not before!

Human Beings

Human beings can always be relied upon to react and respond in a very human way to crises.

Tar

I love the smell of burning tar in the morning!

World Cup

The World Cup has finally ended, the world may now return to work; apart from certain countries in Europe which now go on a six week summer holiday.

Morning Gym

Well, using the gym at 7:00 this morning was a "novel", "interesting" and one off experience!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When one of our mobile phones rings the call is not for you.

Weather Forecasters

Congratulations to last night's BBC weather forecaster who said the following:

"We have low confidence in our forecast for the next few days"

At last, a forecast that we can all agree with and rely on!

Dear Internet

Dear Internet

Please may I have the 15 minutes of my life back that I wasted this morning trying to connect with you?

Thank you.

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to my friends from the Colonies!

Colon Efficiency Test

Test the efficiency of your colon by swallowing a can of sweetcorn (without chewing), and seeing how long the corn takes to pass through your system.

Monday Morning

As another Monday morning crashes into our lives, let us think only happy thoughts!

Archduke Franz Ferdinand - Spark To A Flame

One hundred years ago today Archduke Franz Ferdinand (heir to the Austro-Hungarian throne) was assasinated in Sarajevo.

This was the spark that ignited the Balkan conflict that sucked the world into global conflict.

Advice To People Bitten By Suarez

Have a blood test taken, you don't know where he's been!

Where Has The Sun Has Gone?

The sun has gone and is obscured by clouds, has the hot sunny spell ended?

Say it isn't so!

Ideas

Ideas are only ever attributed to the originator when they go wrong.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

There are several chairs and a bench in the garden, you can surely share them with the neighboiurs' cats who sometimes visit and sit on one of them; instead of pushing them off everytime you see one of them sitting in a chair?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

It is ill mannered to pat the mashed carrots just because you can't get to the pork chops.

Glad Midsommar

Glad Midsommar to one and all!

Advice To My Virgin Set Top Box

You had better stop arsing around, or else I will take an axe to you!

Advice To Octopi

Stop giving predictions to people about which teams will win in the various World Cup matches, otherwise you will never get any peace!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Soap bubbles burst when you bash them.

The World Cup Explained

I understand that there is some form of football tournament going on?

Suitcases

Why are suitcases the reverse of the Tardis, ie they are bigger on the outside than on the inside?

Happy Hug Your Cat Day

Gravy

A pox upon the gravy that I spilled on my white trousers last night!

PA Cat

Bilderberg

Happy 60th birthday to the Bilderberg conference.

Stabbing People In The Back

Be wary of those who offer you their public support, because those who volunteer to stand behind you during times of crisis, or embrace you to comfort you are best placed to stab you in the back.

Great Inventions of The 21st Century - The Goth Colouring Book

Problem Solving

Problem solving is best achieved when asleep, thus allowing the mind to find its own way to the solution, unhindered by the noise of the wakeful mind.

Twonk

The person who moved our flowerpot from out side her house, and put it outside our nearby pub, is a twonk!

Talking To Plants

It is perfectly OK to talk to plants. However, when they answer back it becomes a problem.

Another Friday Has Arrived

Yipeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!

Advice To Politicians

Don't bring political dogma into the schoolroom.

Wakefulness

Let the world tremble, I am awake!

Advice To MPs

Take 365 days off a year, the country would be far better off without your interfering and tinkering with our daily lives.

Monday Morning Sluggishness

Monday mornings truly bring out the slug in one.

Military Secrets

Military secrets are the most fleeting of all.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When using you litter tray, it is customary to place your bottom within the general area of the tray rather than perch on the rim of it bottom protruding over the edge!

A Pox Upon My PC

A pox upon my PC for being slow to the point of inertia, and for continually losing its connection to the net!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Perspicacity

Advice To Chefs

Don't smear plates with purees and sauces, it is a highly pretentious practice that makes the plate appear to be unwashed.

Happy May Day

Toilet Paper

You can never have too much toilet paper!

Sausage Advice

Always keep an emergency pack of sausages in your freezer, lest your local corner shop runs out of them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please, when you are purring very deeply, could you refrain from dribbling over me and the duvet.

I Forbid You To Read This

Keyboard Fluff

Do not distract yourself by trying to clean the accumulated fluff and dust that has accumulated beneath the keys of your keyboard, you will find that the morning has simply vanished before you complete your task.

Happy St George's Day

Post Bank Holiday Blues

The end of a four day weekend and another week (thankfully only four days until the next weekend) crashes into one's life.

Easter Bank Holiday

In keeping with the tradition of bank holidays, especially the Easter one, as they approach so the nice sunny weather that we have basked in recedes.

Advice To Builders

Scaffolding is charged for on a daily basis, therefore it is unwise once it is erected to let it stand idly by for days on end unused!

Advice To US Airways

It is unwise to post tweets that include pornographic images, especially when these tweets are in response to customer queries!

Monday Sunshine!

Sunshine, on a Monday morning!!!

Can this be true?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The newly erected scaffolding on our neighbours' house is for the purpose of renovation of their house, it is not a cat climbing frame.

Pertinent Information

Pertinent information is usually best ascertained by asking impertinent questions.

Advice To Celebrities and Their Worshippers

Irrespective as to whether celebrity status is earned, gifted/imposed via parents or artificially created via "reality" TV it does not impart immortality.

Advice To Weather Forecasters

Your forecast today tells me that the sun should be shining in my part of the world at this very moment in time.

It isn't!

It is in fact overcast and rather cold.

Either update the forecast to show reality, or stop making forecasts in the first place thus saving us the disappointment associated with failed forecasts that recurs with the depressing inevitability of an unloved season.

Monday Rain

Urgh...Monday morning has been heralded by a deluge of rain that is forecast to last all day.

All Hail The Wombles

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Groyne

Feed The Seagulls Day

Every Wednesday is bin bag day in our neighbourhood; or, more accurately, feed the seagulls day!

April Fools' Day

Another April Fools' Day has dawned upon us again, cue the deluge of tedious media and company April Fools' Day stories and PR attempts.

Rolling Stones

Rolling stones may well gather no moss. However, it is advisable not to be in their path if they are large and moving at high speed.

Happy Birthday Rosie!

Happy Birthday Rosie, now you are five!

Ratzilla

All hail Ratzilla, our new rat overlord!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Staring at me when I am in bed will not make me get up any quicker.

Advice To Seagulls

Kindly do not have punch ups on the roof top window of my office. It upsets my Zen like approach to work.

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Bimble

Playing The Game

Knowing what game the other person is playing is only half the battle. You also need to know how to play that game.

Advice To Self

Don't drink liquids near the keyboard.

Spring Has Sprung

One knows when Spring has arrived when one's student neighbours go for an early morning walk round the block in their underwear.

Happy Budget Day!

Happy Budget Day everyone.

Doubtless George Osborne will solve all of our problems with one flash of his budget case!

The Truth About Cats

Happy St Patrick's Day!

I wish you all a happy and enjoyable St Patrick's Day!

Enjoy the craic!

Guided Missiles

Beware guided missiles controlled by misguided men.

Advice To Advertisers

When trying to create a TV advert that is at least bearable to the hapless viewers it is advisable, at the very least, that you ensure that the audio track is in sync with the video track.

Fixodent should take special note of the above!

Advice To World Leaders

When climbing yourself and your countrymen to the top of a very high mountain, remember to bring a suitably long ladder with you so that you can get down safely without injuring yourself or your countrymen.

New Form of Matter Discovered

In addition to dark matter, "doesn't matter" has been discovered.

Unlike dark matter, "doesn't matter" has no effect on the universe whatsoever.

Beef

When cooking a large joint of beef, it is advisable to have a beef face so that people know it is a serious process and that you are dedicated to the task.

Gunboat Diplomacy

Gunboat diplomacy does not work in the 21st century financially interdependent global economy, as it wrecks every major power's economy.

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Peripatetic

The Importance of Underpants

Always wear newly purchased underpants, for comfort and support during important meetings.

Happy Pancake Day!

Happy Pancake Day!

Get tossing!

Irony

As the West goes toe to toe with Russia over Ukraine, how ironic that the number two story covered by the UK/US media is last night's Oscar ceremony!

Underpants

I am impressed to see that my new underpants have a label attached informing me that they have been tested for harmful substances.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Cats are not meant to eat jam on toast!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Effluxion

Attitude

Instead of looking for the bad things in your life and making yourself miserable, look for the good things and feel good about your life.

Death and Stupidity

Death and stupidity are the same.

Dead people don't know that they are dead, and stupid people don't know that they are stupid.

Confluence

Beware the confluence of absurdities!

Falling Off A Mountain

In the event you find yourself falling off a high mountain, use it as an opportunity to try to fly.

You have nothing to lose by trying what others deem to be impossible!

Advice To Self

Don't delete pictures on a website media gallery willy nilly, before checking what ones you need to keep.

Advice To Self

Don't turn on electrical appliances the plugs of which have been lying in sea water.

Rain

Egad, it was actually sunny on Sunday and there was a complete absence of wind and rain!

Suffice to say, now that it is Monday the rain and grey skies have returned.

Happy Valentine's Day

Happy Valentine's day to the flower, card, hotel and restaurant industries without which Valentine's Day would simply not be possible!

Printers

Why do printers take forever to warm up when your need to print something is urgent?

Today's Word

Today's word is:

"Confluence"

Out of The Box Thinking

Out of the box thinking is only truly effective when the box has been burned to ashes, thereby preventing a return to the comfort of the box.

Monday Rain

According to the weather forecasters, today is going to be the driest day of the week.

That does not bode well for the rest of the week!

A Curse Upon Microsoft

A curse upon Microsoft for inflicting Windows 8 upon people, it is nothing but a gigantic pain in the derrière to use.

Advice To Tradespeople

When a potential customer leaves a message asking for a quote, it is advisable to respond.

The Mixed Bag of Weather

Sunshine streaming through one window, dark clouds amassing over the other. Tis truly a mixed bag of weather today!

Advice To The Human Race

You are not the centre of the universe!

Monday Mornings

Another Monday morning crashes into our lives complete with grey skies and gusts of wind.

How inspiring!

Happy Lunar New Year

Happy Lunar New Year, the coming year being the year of the horse.

Complexity

It is the nature of governments to make life more complicated for the people (via bureaucracy, rules and regulations) as the complexity hides the inefficiency, dishonesty and incompetence of those in power.

Silence

In the silence there are no distractions to help you run away from yourself.

Cat With Giant Foot

Advice To Self

Eating a quarter of chicken, a saveloy, scampi and large chips just before going to bed was a tad "over enthusiastic".

Advice To Councils

When collecting domestic refuse it is best to collect the entire street's refuse at the same time, rather than only one household's.

Advice To Councils

When you change the refuse collection dates, remember to inform your local council taxpayers.

Dust

Dust stops accumulating if left untouched for a few months, regular dusting merely encourages it to return!

New Ideas

"New" ideas are invariably old ideas rehashed.

Email

A watched email inbox never "pings".

"Changeable Weather"

When the weather forecaster says that the weather will be "changeable", what he/she actually means is that it will rain all day.

"Non Drop" Christmas Trees

Non drop Christmas trees are only "non drop" when you put them up, a veritable avalanche of prickles occurs when you take them down.

Unbelievable

No matter how old one becomes, life still has the capacity to surprise one.

Crises

Never make a drama out of a crisis, instead use it as an opportunity.

Revenge

Revenge is a leaking ship that will drown you.

Seek justice for those who have wronged you, but forgive them; and show kindness to those who have shown kindness to you.

The Polar Vortex

Given the Polar Vortex currently gripping North America, are we to assume that without "global warming" it would have been far worse?

2014

Don your rusty armour and gird your loins for the forthcoming year!