Ken's New Year Message

We bestride the cleft of the buttocks of not only a new year, but a new decade.

At this moment have a thought for past actions, decisions and plans that have been delayed and put off for weeks, months or even years.

Delay, dithering and procrastination in the hope that something will work out invariably makes matters worse.

I urge you to follow these three simple rules:

1 Don't dither.

2 Don't delay.

3 Make the decision, take action and grasp your destiny firmly by the horns; as you don't know how long you have left to enjoy the fruits of your labours.

The future is firmly in front of you, and it is in your hands!

Happy New Decade.

Merry Christmas

 I wish you all a Merry and peaceful Christmas!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Christmas Fanny

Christmas isn't Christmas without Fanny.

Ken's Christmas Tips - You Will Be Broke In January

Ken's Christmas Tips - Sanity Clause

Ken's Christmas Tips - A Gentle Reminder

It will be Christmas Day a week from now!

You are welcome!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Ordering Drinks In The Pub

At Christmas time, when pubs and bars are heaving, always make sure that you ask to test every beer and wine they have on the premises.

Landlords and customers alike are more than happy to wait for you to test everything, before you end up ordering a half of Carling!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Food and Booze Supplies

When judging how much food and booze you need to buy, ensure that you have enough to sate the appetites of quadruple the number of people you expect to socialise with over the Festive period (ie 12 days).

For why?

Most shops will be shut for 12 hours over Christmas.

Ken's Christmas Tips - An Elegant Sufficiency

When you go Christmas drinking, and have had an elegant sufficiency, always ensure that your route home has plenty of lampposts to steady your progress.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Hangovers

Avoid hangovers by having an Alka-Seltzer before going to bed, washed down with a litre of water.

Then for breakfast have lemon juice and a banana, washed down with a litre of water.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Norovirus

Given the prevalence of Norovirus during the Festive Season, when socialising, always ensure that you thoroughly sanitise your hands and fingers before touching any orifices!

Ken's Christmas Tips - The Flaming Pudding

In order to ensure you have a flaming pudding, always warm your brandy first!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Prick Your Bird's Thighs

One of the trickiest parts of cooking on Christmas Day is knowing when your bird is ready.

Simply prick your bird's thighs; if the juices run clear your bird is ready, if there is blood then your bird needs more time in the oven.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Be Careful of Your Nuts

Beware overindulging in nuts before consuming your bird, lest you not have the necessary appetite to do the bird justice!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Don't Watch The BBC

The BBC is presenting its worst Christmas Day schedule since I can remember (they have even exhumed The Two Ronnies!).

I have an old Radio Times in my archives from the 70's, that has a better selection of programmes that this pile of shite.

AVOID THE BBC ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Moist Breasts

In order to ensure that your bird has moist breasts, roast it upside down then rest for at least 30 minutes before consuming.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Erecting Your Tree II

When erecting your tree, always ensure that it is firmly and stably mounted lest it collapses!

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American chums!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Erecting Your Tree

When erecting your tree, always make sure there is adequate space between the ceiling and top of the tree for you to mount your fairy.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Stuffing

When stuffing your bird this Christmas, don't forget to allow for the extra weight of the stuffing lest you end up with raw thighs and breasts!

One Month Until Christmas!

DON'T PANIC!

Be An Arrow

Be like an arrow shot from the bow:

Swift, true and unyielding!

Talking To Yourself

Talking to yourself guarantees that you have an intelligent and stimulating conversation!

Kudos and Respect To Haywards Pickled Gherkins

An opened jar of Haywards Pickled Gherkins has lain dormant in my fridge for several years, the legend on the top said best before July 2016.

However, on testing they were still just about edible albeit very vinegary.

No one died during the course of this experiment!

How To Behave In a Pub

This is a US Military training video that was shown to US soldiers in 1943 before being stationed in Britain.
'How to Behave in a British Pub' - presented by Burgess Meredith, later of Batman and Rocky fame. pic.twitter.com/8brLrNNFIX

— Daniel Holland (@DannyDutch) November 5, 2019

As valid now, as it was then!

Happy Guy Fawkes

Monday - A Day For All Seasons

Sunshine, followed by rain, followed by thunder, followed by sunshine..and repeat - all on a Monday morning.

Truly we are blessed!

Today's Herb

Today's herb is Basil.

Happy Halloween

Rules To Live Your Life By

Here are three rules which you should live your life by:

1 Check your shoes for scorpions before putting them on.

2 Check your bananas for venomous spiders.

3 Check that your flies are done up.

Shenanigans

We are at peak shenanigans!

Monday Sunshine

Sunshine, on a Monday morning?

You spoil us weather gods!

Today I Am..

Today I am mainly being myself....be afraid, be very afraid!

Augurs Well or Badly?

By happenstance I discovered that I had put my underpants on inside out this morning.

The question is, does this augur well or badly for the rest of the day?

Pocket Diary Inserts

Every year,around this time, I buy a pocket diary insert for the coming year.

Yet, for the last few years, I rarely (if at all) ever put the diary in my pocket (let alone use it) when I go out; it sits forlornly on a shelf unused.

Why do I not break the habit of a lifetime and stop buying inserts?

A mystery indeed!

Camels, Eyes and Parliament

Methinks it will be easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle, than for Parliament to actually agree on where we are going or not going!

Monday Morning

A wet and gloomy Monday morning has vomited on our week with the depressing inevitability of an unloved season!

Trump's Ceasefire - The Reality

In case you were wondering, Trump (via his "ceasefire" agreement) has given the green light to Turkey to annex part of Syria.

Echoes of the Sudetenland!

The Cambridges Troll The Sussexes

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are travelling by rickshaw during the tour of Pakistan. pic.twitter.com/RKEONghh6I

— George Smiley (@364690) October 16, 2019

The Russian Asset Has Excelled Himself

via GIPHY

The Russian asset in the White House truly has excelled himself:

1 He has withdrawn US troops from Syria.

2 He has enabled Assad to fill the vacuum left by the troops.

3 He has ensured that there will be a proxy war between Turkey (a NATO member) and Syria (supported by Putin).

4 He has ensured that ISIS will regroup and destabilise the Middle East and Europe.

5 He has left 50 US nukes on Turkish soil.

6 He has strengthened Iran and Russia's role in Syria.

Job done!

Knots

Tying a knot is one thing, untying it is quite another!

Congratulations To Abiy Ahmed For Winning The Nobel Peace Prize

via GIPHY

Congratulations Prime Minister Ahmed, you have actually done something for peace!

Advice To Ocado

It is NOT yet time to book my Christmas delivery!

Don't EVER Trust Social Media Companies!

Twitter admit to using people's phone numbers (submitted for security checks) for advertising purposes:

"We recently discovered that when you provided an email address or phone number for safety or security purposes (for example, two-factor authentication) this data may have inadvertently been used for advertising purposes, specifically in our Tailored Audiences and Partner Audiences advertising system. 

Tailored Audiences is a version of an industry-standard product that allows advertisers to target ads to customers based on the advertiser's own marketing lists (e.g., email addresses or phone numbers they have compiled). Partner Audiences allows advertisers to use the same Tailored Audiences features to target ads to audiences provided by third-party partners. When an advertiser uploaded their marketing list, we may have matched people on Twitter to their list based on the email or phone number the Twitter account holder provided for safety and security purposes. This was an error and we apologize.

We cannot say with certainty how many people were impacted by this, but in an effort to be transparent, we wanted to make everyone aware.

No personal data was ever shared externally with our partners or any other third parties. As of September 17, we have addressed the issue that allowed this to occur and are no longer using phone numbers or email addresses collected for safety or security purposes for advertising. 

We’re very sorry this happened and are taking steps to make sure we don’t make a mistake like this again. If you have any questions, you may contact Twitter's Office of Data Protection through this form."

DON'T EVER TRUST SOCIAL MEDIA COMPANIES!

The Word of Ken - Great and Unmatched Wisdom

The Word of Ken - Bin Collections

Today's Mood - Sisu

Today's mood is:

Sisu

Today's Flavour

Today's flavour is citrus.

The World Is Not Fixable

Once people realise that the world is not fixable, it is merely manageable, they will find their lives a lot less stressful!

Advice To MPs

You are incapable of agreeing, or finding a way forward from the mess that you have put the country in.

For sanity's sake put yourselves up for a general election!

Advice To CEOs

When your company (that employs others) is on the edge of collapse, awarding yourselves lavish bonuses is not just ethically wrong it is highly suspicious!

Royal Fury? - I Suspect So!

Pound to a penny the Queen is furious at this very moment!

Advice To Politicians

When you decide to ban "elitist" educational establishments in the UK (that you send your children to), you do realise that they will simply move abroad thus making them even more "elitist" don't you?

Climate Strike Musings

I trust and assume that those attending today's climate strike gatherings will not be driving to them, and that the children who attend (and skip school) will in future be walking to school and not be driven by their parents or take a bus to school?

The "Brave" New World of Twitter

Sadly the "brave" new world of Twitter only allows journalists and commentators to report facts, if those facts align with the political views of those on Twitter.

That is of course not at all "brave"!

Just To Remind You.. The Laws of Man...

It's Time.....

It's time for:

Bovril on toast!

Advice To Belgian MEPs

If you can't speak without ranting about building an empire in a demented fashion, then shut the fuck up!

Happy Friday The 13th - #FridayThe13th

Happy Friday the 13th, which by happenstance coincides with a Harvest Moon (the next one won't occur for another 30 years).