Drinking

It is in the nature of man to drink himself into oblivion.

Those that try to go against nature, by imposing ethical or religious rules forbidding drinking, are fools.

Supermarkets

Supermarkets pretend that they are concerned with the health and demands of their customers, by offering "fresh" produce.

Do not be deceived, a far greater percentage of valuable retail space is now being devoted to ready made meals; containing noxious chemicals and excess salt/sugar.

These products are where the real money is to be made.

Supermarkets couldn't give a toss about the health, or requirements, of their customers.

Convoys

A convoy moves only as fast as the slowest ship in that convoy.

The same can be said for partnerships; both emotional and financial.

Life

Life is like a river; the further down it you travel, the slower and more ponderous it becomes.

The Moon

I have a plan for the moon:

• Construct a giant solar panel, covering the entire surface of the bright side of the moon.



• Transmit the energy generated, via microwaves, to satellites placed in geo-stationary orbit around the earth.



• These in turn would transmit the energy to ground receiving stations.



• These would distribute the energy, via conventional means, around the world.

A simple solution to the problem of dwindling energy reserves.

Military Strategy

The use of 21st century weapons and strategy, against an enemy that employs 14th century strategy and techniques does not work.

Beetroot

To prepare your beetroot follow these simple steps:

• Wash and scrub the dirt and muck from the skin



• Place into a saucepan, half full with water, and simmer for 20 minutes or so until soft



• Allow to cool



• Peel



• Cut into chunks



• Throw the beetroot away, as it is fit for nothing

Lard

Lard is an excellent product; easy to store, and very versatile.

It can be used to roast all manner of vegetables and meats; or it can be simply spread on hot toast, and seasonsed with salt and pepper.

I commend all households to store at least 500g in their fridges.

Don't tell your cardiologist though!

Hangovers

Nature's way of telling you that you are getting too old to drink like a teenager.

Advice For People Travelling To High Risk Countries

DON'T

Failure

Failure is character building.

Those that have never failed at anything in their lives, are immature and lacking in character.

If you doubt me, the witness the sulky tantrums thrown by American athletes when they don't win a gold medal.

Fire Alarms

When the fire alarm sounds, don't stand around like an idiot wondering what to do.

Get the hell out of the building!

Rivers

As attractive as rivers may appear to be, they are prone to flooding.

I consider that those who live near rivers to be unwise; I advise you not to live near a river.

Inexperienced Sailors

I have nothing but contempt for those inexperienced, and foolish, individuals who take to the sea without adequate training or equipment.

Their actions not only endanger themselves, but the lives of those who have to set to sea to rescue them; when, as is always the case, they find themselves in difficulties.

The School Run

The school run, where doting mothers drive their spoilt kids to and from school, has a very deleterious effect on society.

• It causes traffic jams.



• It wastes scarce oil reserves.



• It contributes to environmental pollution.



• It causes children to become fat and lazy.

The environment, and health of the nation, would be better served by making children walk to school.

The Sea

Respect the sea at all times.

Stock Markets

Those people who believe that share prices are determined purely by market forces, such as supply and demand, are deluding themselves.

Share prices are routinely manipulated by market makers, analysts, companies and large stakeholders.

The ordinary retail investor does not stand a chance.

Dogs

Why do dogs sniff each other's bottoms?

A very strange habit indeed.

The Nature of Man

It is in the nature of mankind to seek to fulfill its desires.

Mankind's fulfillment zones are categorised as follows:

• Food


• Sex


• Materialism

Self esteem

Until each category is fulfilled, mankind cannot move on to the next.

Conspiracy Theories

The current trend to fall for conspiracy theories about front page events such as; 9/11, Diana's death and the assassination of Kennedy is very dangerous.

The majority of the theories are ill founded bollocks, propagated by unqualified attention seekers.

Accept the fact that things can go wrong; we, even celebrities, are mortal and prone to the twists of fate.

Butter Side Down

The old adage about toast falling butter side down, is bunkum.

I have tested this theorem myself, and can attest to the fact that the chances are 50/50 of the toast falling butter side down.

The real issue that needs to be addressed is, why are people so dammed careless with their toast in the first place?

Political Posturing

Sometimes the lies, and posturing, of politicians just makes me want to retch.

Pigs

What an absolutely splendid beats, the pig is.

You can eat all parts of it, with the exception of the "squeak".

I commend that every household keeps a pig, just in case.

The Demonisation of Teenagers

It has become common practice in the Western media to demonise teenagers; their behaviour, morals, hygiene, anti social behaviour and any every other personal characteristic comes under attack.

Now let us remember a few things:

• Teenagers, are by defintion, awkward, selfish, noisy etc. That is what it is to be a teenager.



• Their errant behaviour patterns are not society's fault, but a result of their upbringing.



• The primary responsibility for their upbringing rests with their parents.

Therefore, when the media seeks someone to blame for the dreadful behaviour of teenagers; they should direct their ire at the parents, who are wholly responsible for the behaviour of their offspring.

Targeting

The Cold War ended some years ago, with the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of communism.

Russia and the USA, the former adversaries in the Cold War, have negotiated a number of treaties relating to their massive stock piles of nuclear warheads; with the intention of making the world a safer place.

One action that they have taken to improve safety, and to lessen the chances of war between them, is to change the targets of their warheads; so that they are no longer targeting each other.

That is excellent.

However, I have one small question; if they are not targeting each other, who precisely are these warheads now targeted at?

Mobile Phones

Don't eat in restaurants with your mobile phones turned on.

It is the height of rudeness to the other diners to have their meals interrupted by the bleeps of the phones, and the inane loud and ignorant conversations of the owners.

Those that breach this rule should have their phones crushed.

The Weakest Link

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

This most apt of sayings applies to many aspects of life including; relationships, work and health.

The Ultimate Cold Cure

The next time that you think that you are getting a cold, don't waste your doctor's time by asking for a prescription that won't work; instead follow these simple steps:

• Put your feet in a bowl of hot (not scalding) water, that has been liberally infused with a large quantity of English mustard powder, and soak them for a few minutes.



• Peel a large onion, boil it until it is soft but still solid. Drain, put a large knob of butter on the top of it and sprinkle with black pepper. Eat whilst hot.



• Prepare, and drink, a hot toddy consisting of; freshly squeezed lemon juice, hot water, sugar, cloves and whisky.

Follow these simple steps and you will soon be feeling better.

Naturally, if you don't feel better, then seek medical assistance.

Mistakes

Actions and decisions that need to be changed are never mistakes, until they become irreversible.