Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My stomach is not a bouncy castle.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My PC mouse is not a real mouse.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The ATM receipts on my desk are not "prey".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Headbutting me in bed in the morning is not the most "emotionally intelligent" way to wake me up.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My PC keyboard is not a chew toy.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Why not try sitting in the middle of the litter tray, rather then at the very edge?

You might then manage to improve your aim!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The cat litter in your litter tray is best left in the litter tray, and should not be used as an improvised football for an impromptu game of kitchen floor football ("pawball"?).

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The buttons on my shirt should not be regarded as food, nor indeed do they provide any form of useful nourishment.

Further Advice To Lord Myners

According to one of your ex colleagues from M&S, who writes in today's Times letters page, you once thought you were God; it may therefore be a little pointless finding "ethics".

Advice To Lord Myners

As laudable as it is that you have now discovered "ethics", and are appalled at the lack of ethics in the City.

I would have been more convinced by your conversion "on the road to Damascus", had this happened before your made £30M in the City and allowed Fred "The Shred" to run off with a £16M pension pot.

Advice To Restaurants

If you are foolish enough to run out of brandy, go to the nearest shop and buy a bottle.

Unnecessary Products of The 21st Century

Bottled water.

Question To Environmentalists

At what point was our climate ever fixed?

Unnecessary Products of The 21st Century

Anti chaffing cream.

Advice To The Media

Check the facts first, before blindly accepting "information" provided to you by state agencies.

Advice To Catholics

Don't pray to cut down trees that vaguely "resemble" the Virgin Mary, you really don't do the religion any favours.

Afghanistan

Why exactly are we in afghanistan, and what constitutes a "victory" whereby our troops can come home?

Rain

Why do the heavens always open and gush forth a biblical torrent everytime I say the magic phrase:

"Maybe I could do a barbecue this evening"?

Advice To Leisure Club Members

Chairs are for humans to sit on, not inanimate objects such as water bottles, swimming goggles and towels.

Saying Sorry

The British sometimes say "sorry" when they actually mean:

- "You clumsy twat!"

- "Please get out of my way!"

Principles

Once "principles" are ditched, diplomacy and commonsense can raise their heads and real progress can be made.

Further Advice To My Cat

Our bed is not a trampoline!

Advice To My Cat

My PC keyboard does not work effectively if you sit on it when I am typing.