New Year

New Year celebrations are often rather false events; excess alcohol, "rip off prices" and forced jollity with strangers.

Why not celebrate when you want to, with people who you want to be with?

Shopping

Parents, if you must bring your children into supermarkets with you; then at least have the good sense to turn your mobile phone off, so that you may keep an eye on your offspring.

Failure to keep an eye on them, will inevitably mean that they will get up to mischief; such as sitting in the refridgerator.

Repetition

Try to avoid repeating yourself, it is a most tedious habit.

TV network programme schedulers would be well advised to follow this advice.

A Message to Delivery Companies

Your role is to deliver packages and letters to people at a time and location that suits them, not the other way around.

Please do remember that.

Christmas Films

Those of you who engage in fighting with your partner over which film to watch at Christmas, when faced with the choice of "The Great Escape" or "The Sound of Music", should stop fighting.

Both of the above films in fact follow the same storyline.

The Great Escape is the story of Steve McQueen escaping from the Nazis, and The Sound of Music is the story of Julie Andrews escaping from the Nazis.

You see, no reason to fight over which film to watch at all!

Trust

Trust can kill you, or set you free.

Boiling Kettles

A watched kettle never boils, or so the saying goes, this is utter nonsense.

I turned my kettle on a few minutes ago, and watched it, it boiled in precisely the same length of time as it normally takes to boil when not watched.

Life

Life is just one big damage limitation exercise.

Hair Gel

Run out of hair gel?

Use lard instead.

Don't Waste Money

The Americans spent millions of Dollars developing a pen, that could write in the weightless conditions of space; they invented the biro.

The Russians saved time and money, they took a pencil.

The next time that you are confronted with a problem, don't just throw money at it to make it go away.

There may, in fact, be a simpler cheaper solution.

Charities

The purpose of charities is, so they say, to distribute aid and money to good causes.

If that is the case, why do charities have so much undistributed money sitting in their bank accounts?

Advice to Athletes

Remember, the brain is a muscle too.

It would do you no harm to pay the same attention to that, as you do your bodies, and exercise that once in while.

Christmas

It is often lamented by people that the "true meaning of Christmas" has been lost. They claim that Christmasd has become far too commercialesed, and that the Christian values of caring for others and giving have been lost.

I would suggest that these people are neglecting history. Christmas is a Christian festival, which has been imposed on a much older winter festival.

The pre Christian winter festival was a time of overindulgence and merriment; where people ate and drank as much as was possible, in order to forget the bleak mid winter and try to keep their spirits up until spring.

The modern day overindulgence, that the West engages in at this time of year, is in fact a reversion to this mid winter practice; and is therefore highly traditional.

The Dead

The dead should stay dead.

Don't try to disturb them, by becoming involved with spiritualism and other such mumbo jumbo.

Advice to TV Network Executives

TV networks tend to pump out unstimulating, mindless papa these days. This is partly due to the desire by TV network executives to find cheap programming that appeals to the masses; and the fear of offending the group of small minded bigots, who makes it their life's work to look for programmes to complain about.

This "dumbing down" of output undermines the basic principles of what should constitute good broacasting. Namely, it should be:

- Challenging

- Stimulating

- Entertaining

Flying

Any landing that you can walk away from, is a good one.

Reality TV

Reality TV seeks ever new depths to plunge; placing people in extreme situations and pushing them to breaking point, for the delectation of the moronic masses.

The only pleasure that people derive from watching these programmes, is the pleasure derived from seeing others' humiliated.

They demean both the hapless participants, and the viewers.

Let us kill these dreadful programmes off once and for all, they are little better than bear baiting or gladiator contests of the past.

Dining Out

When dining out in a large group, simply split the bill evenly by the number of people at the table.

Do not attempt to analyse who ate and drank what; then try to apportion the bill based on actual consumption.

This method is slow, prone to error and causes unseemly arguments between peopl who may be a little drunk.

Airline Food

Airline food is an abomination, and an insult to the palate.

Those that create this tasteless muck should be force fed it every day, until they improve it.

Alcohol

Alcohol, the cause of many of life's problems; and the solution.

Ain't it wonderful?

They

The phrase "They say" is often used to back up arguments, or to make a point.

However, who precisely are "They" and why is their opinion so important?

Advice To Politicians

When having an affair, please remember to use a condom.

The news of an illegitimate sprog will wreck your career, if the affair has not already done so.

Advice to World Leaders

When designating a country as a "crucible", in which to fight terror, at least have the courtesy to ask the occupants of that country first if they are happy with being turned into a crucible.

It is after all only good manners!