Merry Christmas!

The Four Pillars of Stupidity

One of the four pillars of stupidity is leaking plans to the media for pre emptive strikes on launch sites.

Four Pillars Are Not Enough

Beware the hubris of "four pillars", they will not be enough.

As T. E. Lawrence noted, you actually need seven if you wish to be wise!

Today I...

Today I continue to be:

Awesome!

American Foreign Policy Explained

Today I Am Mainly Being..

Today I am mainly being:

Axiomatic

There's Irony For You!

Such is the state of affairs in the world that it is more than ironic that people regard a possible visit to Pyongyang by Dennis Rodman as being the last, best hope for peace!

Well, if that what it takes, then so be it and God spede Dennis!

Today I Am Mainly Being...

Today I am mainly being:

Resilient in the face of global stupidity!

Today I Am Mainly..

Today I am mainly...

Declaring myself to be the capital of my own universe.

Today I Am Mainly Being...

Today I am mainly being a whiter shade of pale.

Today I Am Mainly..

Today I am mainly seeing a red door and wanting it painted black!

Today's Plan of Action

Today I will be mainly trying to avoid tweeting anything demented, and avoiding tweeting things that might cause a war or get me impeached.

However, the day is but young...

Theresa May Scrivener Nails It!

The woman who received Trump's first tweet at Theresa May in a case of mistaken identity has told PA: "It's amazing to think that the world's most powerful man managed to press the wrong button."

— James Masters (@Masters_JamesD) November 30, 2017

On being mistakenly tweeted at by Donald Trump Theresa Scrivener told PA: "I wasn't really sure what to make of it. I was in bed by half 10 last night and oblivious to it all." Could scarcely sound more British.

— James Masters (@Masters_JamesD) November 30, 2017

Transference

When a nobody tweets his/her insanity via the net, little harm is done to others except maybe to the handful of people who might follow the nobody.

However, when an insane person in a position of power and influence tweets his/her insanity that insanity is transferred to millions via his/her followers and the media.

This is not a healthy state of affairs for the world.

Ducks and Nukes

Once you have all your ducks and nukes lined up neatly in a row, then what?

Advice To The Media Re The British Winter

Winter in the UK tends to start around November. Therefore headlines such as "colder than Dubai" etc are a tad pointless!

#CyberMonday Is Also Bollocks

Further to my Black Friday is bollocks post of last week, I would like to say that Cyber Monday is also bollocks!

Black Friday Is Bollocks!

And the doors are open.... the rush came and went (quickly) #BlackFriday @BBCLondonNews @BBC_HaveYourSay pic.twitter.com/jkUjFnhwMo

— Frankie McCamley (@Frankie_Mack) November 24, 2017

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends.

Ready For The Day

Now that my 96 cans of Red Stripe have been delivered, I am ready for the day!

How To Boost Arms Sales

Sow discontent, chaos and fear in a region far far away!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Thrice

Mild For The Time of Year

Mild for the time of year, isn't it?

Don't Put Your Daughter (Or Son) On The Stage - Noel Coward Nailed It

pic.twitter.com/9jSlL1juCg

— The Ogster (@Ognir2) November 15, 2017

Plans

The best plans are made under the influence of alcohol.

The trouble is that the execution of these plans is undertaken when sober and, as such, they are doomed to failure!

Bestriding The World

Today I am mainly bestriding the world like a colossus!

Ticking Clocks

Ticking clocks are very effective for concentrating minds on deadlines etc.

However, problems arise when those facing a deadline cannot agree as to when the clock started ticking!

Preventative War

Preventative war is a contradiction in terms!

Fog Stops Play

Fog stops play today chaps!

A Primer In Japanese Missile Defence

"Fuck, that missile is moving really fast." pic.twitter.com/U8qupbmynC

— Jeffrey Lewis (@ArmsControlWonk) November 5, 2017

Uneasy Lies The Head That Wears The Princely Agal

Another #Saudi Prince, Abdul Aziz, youngest son of late King Fahd, has died. That’s two #Saudi Princes in 24 hours. https://t.co/TNlf6Slzf8

— Strategic Sentinel (@StratSentinel) November 6, 2017

It's A Bizarre World

What a bizarre world we have created!

Thursday Singalong

Kick the day off with a rousing singalong to The Flashing Blade.

All together now...

A Watched Pot Never Boils

Watched pots do often boil, the trick is not to forget that they are boiling lest they boil dry!

Advice To Actors, Politicians, Film/Music Producers etc

Take more cold showers!

Sternly

The word "sternly" can be overused!

This Will End In Tears!

robots force-fed, Clockwork Orange-style, with videos by Zoella, PewDiePie & Bieber: welcome to our brave new world. pic.twitter.com/YVlUYPyU3C

— Jim Pickard (@PickardJE) October 26, 2017

When Is An Addition To The Fleet Not An Addition?

When the "addition" is merely passing through en route elsewhere!

Corners and Holes

Corners and holes are all well and good, as a means of short term protection.

However, you have to have (or be offered) a means to get out of them!

I Am The Wind!

I am the wind beneath my own wings!

Storm Brian

How are we meant to be concerned/worried about a storm named "Brian"?

Who the hell names these storms?

Speeches

The longer the speech, the less people listen and the more ineffective the message!

Advice To Pandas

via GIPHY

A week is a long time in geopolitics!

The Blood Red Sun

This morning's blood red sun augurs well for the day ahead!

Advice To The Meteorological Office

Don't over egg your pudding wrt storm warnings, just because today is the 30th anniversary of the Great Storm!

Advice To Deal Breakers - The Art of The Deal Breaker

Those who break deals are never trusted again, and find it hell on earth trying to broker deals with others.

Think carefully before breaking a deal.

The Wicks of War

Wicks of war can be extinguished!

Photo Ops vs War

Never let a war get in the way of a good photo op, simply postpone the war until after you've been photographed in the relevant location.

Socks

The best socks are always at the bottom of the pile!

Treasured Swords

Treasured swords should be kept firmly sheathed and securely locked away, lest idiots and children get hold of them.

The Calm Before The Storm

As ego boosting and enigmatic as it might be to have your picture taken with guys in military uniforms whilst using the phrase "the calm before the storm", you might want to bear in mind that others may deem that to be notice of an imminent attack.

Careless talk costs lives!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Moron

Whisper is softly, lest the media ask you about it.

Military Options

Nine military options do not constitute an viable strategy if all of them are shite!

A Question of Weaponry

Why would an ordinary member of the public need to own an assault weapon with a large capacity magazine?

The DMZ - A Question of Pronunciation

Kudos to Adam Shaw of the Tonight programme for correctly pronouncing the DMZ as the D M "Zed" (not "Zee")!

The pronunciation of the Z as "Zee" implies the Americans own it, when in fact it is owned by no one (hence the name "Demilitarised").

Protracted Deadlines

Protracted deadlines are self defeating.

Breaking News vs Timed News

Beware politicians and media organisations who present "timed news" as "breaking news" in order to push forward their own agenda.

Life Just Keeps Getting Better and Better, According To This Guy!

ONS: "We continue to see small year-on-year improvements in average life satisfaction ratings." pic.twitter.com/5h2Pcd0qpp

— Katie Martin (@katie_martin_fx) September 26, 2017

Munchkin Fails To Reassure

Call me old fashioned, but the fact that Munchkin defaulted to "nuclear", and not "conventional", in his "reassurance" is not at all "reassuring"!

General Kelly Nails It!

Advice To Microsoft

The next time Hotmail goes down, how about issuing regular updates via Twitter as to what the fark is going on, rather than letting people try to work it out for themselves?

Reality TV

Reality TV is not real life.

Many of those hapless individuals who expose themselves (mentally and physically) on reality TV would be better off seeking psychiatric help from trained professionals.

Advice To The World - It's Not Firework Night Yet!

It's not Firework Night yet folks, so kindly stop letting off rockets and bangers.

Thank you!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Hubris

Advice To The State Department

Military operations are not "sexy", just ask the poor sods who have to do the fighting and dying to keep you safe in Washington!

U.S. State Dept.: "It can take a long, long time for sanctions to work…It’s not a big, sexy military operation."https://t.co/MlWKOA7Op3

— Jonathan Cheng (@JChengWSJ) September 8, 2017

Beliefs

Beliefs may be all very well and good, but don't force them down other people's throats!

Advice To The President of The United States

Selling weapons to some countries in a major geopolitical hotspot is not necessarily conducive to your alleged desire for peace in that region.

Begging For War

When one country accuses another of "begging for war", you can bet your bottom Won that the accuser is the one champing at the bit for war!

Leadership

Not every leader is Churchill, and those that aren't shouldn't delude themselves that they are!

Soft Cop vs Hard Cop

The soft cop vs hard cop routine only works if both the soft and hard cop are aware of their roles and had coordinated them beforehand.

A Watched Inbox Never Pings

True as it was for kettles boiling, so it is also true for email and text inboxes; watch them and they will never ping!

Always Check Your Red Stripe Cans For Wasps!

During this unexpected warm spell, I cannot emphasise too much the necessity of checking your Red Stripe cans for wasps!

Happy Bank Holiday Weekend!

Enjoy the Bank Holiday weekend everyone, and the unusually pleasant (non raining) weather!

Advice To White Goods Retailers

Don't call me up after I have placed the order online to try to sell me insurance etc.

Had I wanted insurance I would have ordered it with the product, and had I wanted to talk to a salesman I would have ordered the product by phone!

Advice To Microsoft

Stop sending updates to my phone that don't work, screw the memory and performance up and force me to reset it!

Up and Atom!

Come on everyone, get off your backsides and tackle the day head on.

No procrastination!

Advice To The US Navy

This is the ship that the USS McCain collided with: a 600-foot-long oil tanker with a deadweight of 50,000 tons https://t.co/UQKkEFQBCI pic.twitter.com/rEnCH54D9X

— Anna Fifield (@annafifield) August 21, 2017

Post lookouts who can actually see, and install ship's wheels on your vessels!

Oh, and train your crew to use a fucking sextant. Don't rely on GPS!

Advice To The President of The United States

You cannot run a country, nor manage foreign policy, on anger alone!

It's Too Quiet

Beware when two blunderbusses stop throwing public insults at each other.

Something's brewing!

Absurd Leaders and Absurd Situations

Sometimes absurd situations require absurd leaders in order to resolve them!

Monday Morning Sunshine

Beware today's pleasant sunny Monday morning, the weather gods are lulling you into a false sense of security!

Advice To Drivers Re Speed Humps

When approaching a speed hump, always ensure that you accelerate in order to maximise your chances of knackering your suspension and wrecking your exhaust pipe!

The Nirvana of Paranoia

The nirvana of paranoia can only be reached when to tell your shadow to walk in front of you.

Wouldn't It Be Nice?

Wouldn't it be nice if one day the world could wake up to news headlines that do not include threats of destruction and annihilation made by one country's leader to another?

Threats As A Precursor To Negotiations

Threats, sanctions and sabre rattling are all well and good as a precursor to negotiations, maybe. However, negotiations will never commence without there being an "off ramp" from the threats!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

"Unbeneficial"

Popularity

Popularity is the hallmark of mediocrity.

Summer 2017 - A Damp Squid

This summer is turning into a really large damp squid!

However, it is unwise to place the expectation of sunshine during summer onto a pedal stool.

Advice Re Shoes

Always, always check your shoes for venomous insects, reptiles and other assorted creatures before putting them on.

I cannot emphasise that enough!

Happy Yorkshire Day!

A very Happy Yorkshire Day to my chums from "God's own county"!

Oops

Now why didn't someone on the internet remind me to give my mother a wake up call today?

Start Your Day With The Three P's

Start your day with the Three P's for optimal performance:

- Potassium (banana)
 
- Protein (eggs)

- Purity (lemon juice)

Fleeting Thoughts

Fleeting thoughts are like the Mayfly, they shine brightly and provide comfort but for a few seconds then die and are forgotten.

Summer Rain

As sure as eggs are eggs, as soon as the school holidays begin the heavens open and down comes the rain.

Fortunately, as I am many years removed from being at school, the warming embrace of alcohol ensures that every day is a sunny day!

Presidential Pardons

Presidential pardons are all well and good, when applied sparingly and to non connected individuals, maybe.

However, when they are thrown around like confetti to the president's nearest and dearest that is a sure sign that the president is on his/her way out!

Banana Helmet

A bunch of bananas makes an environmentally friendly, and nutritious crash helmet.

Pineapples

Pineapples are a very cheerful fruit.

Perfect Negotiations

Perfect negotiations can be achieved when the parties involved don't know what side they are on.

Points of Commonality

Human beings seek points of commonality when they interact with each other, sadly they more often than not get sidetracked and angered by points of difference!

Scotch Eggs

It is a wondrous hen indeed that can lay a hard boiled egg encased in sausage meat and breadcrumbs!

Coming Soon On The BBC

Wonder Man, Mr Marple and 

The Duke of Duchess Street

Question Re Earthquakes

Question: When does an earthquake disappoint the media?

Answer: When it is a real earthquake off the coast of North Korea!

Scrambled Eggs

My early morning scrambled eggs were, instead of being a rich golden colour, pale and insipid.

This does not bode well!

Advice To Despots Who Emulate Royalty

In order to emulate royalty you need to have offspring to pass you "kingdom" on to when you expire.

Empty Threats

An empty threat is not only ineffective, it is dangerous and will make a bad situation worse!

Happy 4th of July

A very happy Independence Day to my American friends.

Self Commendation

Self commendation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Religion

I don't care what "supreme being" you worship in order to get you through the night.

However, do not impose your beliefs on others!

British Summertime - The Inevitable Question

Will it rain today?

If I Were A Fly

I would like to think that if I were a fly, I would have enough sense not to keep flying into the same plane of glass and work out where the window was actually open!

A Watched Printer

A watched printer never prints!

Glad Midsommar!

Glad Midsommar to my Swedish chums!

Summer Fog

Fog on a summer's day...how quintessentially British!

Happy Summer Solstice Day

Life's Too Short, Have a PIMM'S

Warm weather and histrionic political/geopolitical nonsense call for only thing, a PIMM'S!

Mix with lemonade, cucumber, mint, lemon, orange and ice.

Sorted!

Advice To The Government

Public inquiries are all well and good, but the years that they take to come to a conclusion will not resolve the urgent issues and justifiable anger arising from the tragedy in Kensington.

You are going to have to come up with something tangible, speedier and of more practical use than just a public inquiry.

The Dangers of Eco Fascism

It comes to a very sorry state indeed when the eco/green dogma overrides human safety concerns!

Beware the eco fascists, they are the enemies of the people.

Advice To Political Parties

When choosing your leader, make sure that he/she actually has a personality!

Covfefe Time

The whole world appears to be going covfefe at the moment!

Buckle Up Everyone!

 

Buckle up everyone, the next few years are going to be very bumpy indeed!

Well Then...Here We Are!

Post Election Advice

Whoever wins today's election, do remember that the problems/challenges we face today will still be there tomorrow and it will be down to you to address them without creating others!

Questions For The President of the United States

When you slagged off Qatar yesterday, did you forget that it hosts the largest American military base in the Middle East?

If not, does that mean you will be shutting the base down or be using it to force regime change in Qatar?

Whither The Summer Weather?

Why the hell am I having to wear a jumper in the first week of June?

What the hell happened to global warming and the summer?

True Brit!

There's an apparent terrorist attack in London and this guy is strolling down the street with his pint. pic.twitter.com/zy74ytgAdq

— Oli (@Oli_Row) June 3, 2017

Gesture Politics

Sometimes, even if it is just a gesture, a gesture is better than nothing at all.

Today's Word

Today's word (courtesy of The president of The United States) is:

Covfefe

Bank Holidays

There is nothing like a bank holiday to totally throw your biorhythms out of sync.

Stop Leaking - OPSEC!

Clearly I am going to have to repeat myself.

America kindly stop leaking details of the Manchester terror investigation.

OPSEC!!!!

Advice To Our American Allies

It is "bad manners" (to say the least!), and shocking OPSEC, to leak the details of the conveniently id carrying UK suicide bomber to the press before the UK authorities deem it to be appropriate.

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Vituperation

"Exercise Restraint"

The phrase "exercise restraint" returns once again to haunt the headlines, with the same depressing inevitability as the return of an unloved season!

Signals

Beware that your signals, designed to show strength and force a change of posture, are not misinterpreted as preluding an imminent attack.

Quiet

It's far too quiet!

Tad vs Smidgen

Which is larger a "tad" or a "smidgen"?

How To Negotiate

There are three golden rules wrt negotiations:

1 You cannot negotiate with an empty chair.

2 The parties involved need to know if there are preconditions necessary for negotiation, and what those conditions are.

3 Setting pre conditions for negotiation usually guarantees failure.

Advice To The American Public

If you are going to advocate going to war with/nuking a third world shit hole, at least have the wits to know where the fark it is on a map!

Question For Prospective Labour MPs

Given that some of you have stated that you neither support your party's manifesto or leader, why the fark are you standing for labour?

How To Make Someone Redundant

It is best to ensure that notice of the redundancy be given to the employee in writing or face to face, before CNN announces it.

Life Hack

Not everything in life works out as neatly as "reality" shows would have you believe!

Say No To Burgers In Restaurants

Burgers in restaurants are wrong on every level!

Just say NO!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Bigly

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Tenser

Volleyball

Who would have thought that a game of volleyball could become the cause of such speculation and confusion?

The Mouse That Roared

Peace in our time?

or 

Peace NOT in our time?

The ball is in the court of the mouse!

Good Cop - Bad Cop

The good cop, bad cop routine can be effective in persuading people to do what you want. However, it is not so effective if you try bad cop, bad cop or bad cop, idiot cop!

Grand Old Duke of York Posturing In/Around North Korea

At some stage the posturing by various parties in and around North Korea will reach the Grand Old Duke of York phase, wherein "assets" will have to be "marched down" again.

Advice To Presidents

It's not the first 100 days that are important, but the state the you leave the country in when you leave office!

Signals As a Form of Diplomacy

Signals can be a very effective tool within the diplomatic bag. However, it is wise to remember two things:

1 The recipient may misinterpret or over react to the signals, and

2 The signaller must be careful not to box himself in, in the event the recipient ignores the signals.

Doubling Down

Doubling down only works if you have greater resources (health, arms, time and money) than the "house" against which you are doubling down.

Happy St George's Day!

Bluffs

Bluffs in poker are not terribly effective, and indeed are counter-productive, if they are outed before the final hand!

Diplomacy

You know that diplomacy has hit rock bottom, when phrases such as "don't mess with us" are used.

Gunboat Diplomacy

Gunboat diplomacy is only really effective if your gunboat actually turns up in the area you wish to pressurise!

Advice To Starbucks

Redesign your vans!

Happy Easter

Face

Beware small countries run by small men who value face more than their lives.

Cornered Rats

Cornered rats fight back.

The Dangers of Misspeaking

At times of international crisis a few miss-chosen words, or no words at all, can lead to catastrophe.

Experts Are Their Own Worst Enemy

Self appointed "experts" and talking heads are invariably wrong at predicting the timing of certain events.

For why?

Because they open their mouths in public, thereby giving those who are in charge of certain events the opportunity and motivation to wrong foot them!

Yeehaw As A Tool of Diplomacy

It appears that shouting Yeehaw with guns blazing is now the main tool of international diplomacy.

Words of Kindness

Words of kindness and thanks, for a job well done, often mean more than mere money.

However, when thanking someone for their service/work don't forget that people have to be able to buy food and shelter and words alone won't enable them to do that.

Stride Boldly Into The Unknown

Mankind has only achieved things by striding into the unknown, cowering in fear of the unknown leads to the decay and deterioration of society.

Therefore gird your loins, don your armour, unsheathe your sword and stride boldly into the unknown!

Headlights

When you see headlights coming straight at you, get out of the way don't sit and admire them!

Advice To Everyone

Don't sit back and watch the world burn.

Where you see something that needs to be fixed or addressed, sort it out without delay!

Religion

Religion is the root of all stupidity, hatred and bigotry!

Advice To Manchurian Candidates

Always have a fall guy, and a bolt hole ready!

Forgetfulness

Just because a person, company or organisation claim to be professional, don't assume they are not forgetful.

International Day of Happiness

Apparently today is the International Day of Happiness (whatever that means?).

All very laudable no doubt, but why on earth hold it on a Monday?

Happy St Patrick's Day

Happy St Patrick's Day, may the Craic be with you!

In Praise of The Scotch Egg

What a splendid thing the Scotch Egg is, a boiled egg, encased in sausage meat dipped in breadcrumbs.

What's not to like?

The chickens that lay these must be wondrous beasts indeed!