Fast Food

There is nothing wrong with fast food, if eaten in moderation and infrequently.

However, it was not designed to be eaten on a daily basis; or to provide the majority of an individual's calorific intake.

Those that eat it on a daily basis, have no one but themselves to blame if their health deteriorates and they balloon to the size of a zepellin.

Parenting

Parents are quick to blame others, society, TV and anything else that comes to mind for failings in the behaviour of their children.

However, remember this, the seed does not fall far from the tree.

Bank Holidays

Bank holidays are an irrelevance in modern Britain. The idea that the entire population can all take the same day off is absurd.

Shops, hospitals, transport and the media (to name but a few) all have to function on these days.

Let us abolish the bank holiday, and instead award everyone an extra 14 days holiday a year; to be taken as and when convenient.

Anti Ageing Creams

There are many people who, beset by fears of the natural process of ageing, smother themselves in anti ageing creams.

These products claim to perform miracles, by taking ten years or more off one’s appearance.

I am somewhat sceptical about these claims, all that is really happening is that the cream is causing the skin to temporarily “puff up”; thereby hiding the wrinkles, lines and bags associated with ageing.

There is another point, the “puffing up” the skin causes it to stretch; thereby making it more baggy, loose and wrinkled when the effect of the cream wears off.

In other words, anti ageing creams in fact make you look older.

Dead Languages

Those that seek to "re-animate" a language that died out centuries ago, in the misguided belief that they are preserving their cultural heritage, are consigning their culture to the "dustbin of history".

A Fool is Often Parted From His Money

"A fool is often parted from his money", so the saying goes.

The implication being that clever people acquire what the fool loses.

However, if that is the case; how is it that many wealthy people are vacuous, shallow idiots?

The Royal Mail

Crap!

No

No is one of the most powerful words in the English language.

Use it wisely.

Oil

It's running out guys!

Time to find a new source of energy.

Spinach

Despite Popeye's love affair with the accursed weed, I despise spinach absolutely.

I hereby banish it from the planet.

Hygiene

Your skin, saliva and excretions are teeming with bacteria.

Don't share them with others!

Wash your hands before preparing, or touching, food.

Animals

Be kind and respectful to animals.

After all, who is to say that they are not the re-incarnated souls of your long since dead ancestors?

Whales and Dolphins

If whales and dolphins are so bright, how is it you never see any of them driving a car?

Toilet Wisdom

Swinging chain means warm seat.

Darkness

Do not fear the darkness, for in but a few short hours it will be daylight again.

The Poor State of Britain's Transport Infrastructure

People moan about the decline of the British transport infrastructure. Roads are congested with traffic, trains and tube lines are overcrowded and clogged with people.

The cry goes up, "ain't it awful!".

Yet the reason for this overcrowding is quite simple, Britain with a population of 58M is massively overcrowded. The transport system was designed to cope with 45M people.

There are two possible solutions:

1 Invest more in the infrastructure, or

2 Reduce the population

Ready to Eat Meals

Will the manufacturers of ready to eat meals please stop pretending that their abominations are:

1 Nutritious

2 Filling

3 Good value for money

They are not!

Consumers would be better served by buying fresh ingredients, and cooking them themselves.

Having

Having is not the same as wanting.

The British Weather

The British weather is crap, I don't think anyone will dispute that.

We don't have a climate, we have weather.

My solution to this problem, that has vexed the good citizens of Britain for centuries, is simple.

Take a fleet of super tankers, attach tow lines between them and the British Isles; tow the British Isles to a more temperate zone, such as the Seychelles.

Problem solved!

Dreams

Follow your dreams, lest they get away from you.

Don't let others rubbish them.

Tea

Rules for the preparation of the perfect cup of tea.

• Boil the water



• Scald the teapot with the water



• Put 1 teaspoon of tea in the pot for every cup being served, then add one for the pot



• Add boiling water



• Allow to "draw" for a few minutes



• Put the milk into the teacups first



• Fill the cups with tea until 3/4's full

Now you may enjoy your tea.

Theft

People are labouring under the delusion that the increase in reported theft is indicative of the moral decline of society.

I disagree, theft has been increasing because people now have possessions that are easy to carry and worth stealing.

The average home now contains; pc's, TV's, stereos, DVD's CD's and mobile phones. Indeed many people on the street carry walkmans and mobile phones, that are easy targets.

None of these products existed 50 years ago, when the reported crime rate was lower.

Exercise

An excessively boring activity, but necessary to healthy living.

If anyone can find a way of staying fit and slim, without the burden exercise they would make a fortune.

Saunas

An excellent method of purging the body of toxins and excess fluids, without the need for the quack doctor potions and pills purveyed by pharmacies and "health" stores.

I wholeheartedly commend them.

Space Travel

Expensive, dangerous and pointless.

The money wasted on this indulgence can put to better use here on Earth.

Spring vs Autumn

The young dislike the old, because they perceive them to be slow, crotchety and in a permanent state of angst.

The old dislike the young, because they perceive them to be noisy, disrespectful and carefree.

In other words, two sides of the same coin.

Soil

Do you realise that one teaspoonful of soil contains more individual bacteria, than the entire human population of earth?

Makes you think doesn't it?

My Top Ten Films

1 Zulu
2 Battle of Britain
3 Khartoum
4 Northwest Frontier
5 55 Days at Peking
6 Operation Crossbow
7 Nixon
8 Night of the Generals
9 Hitler, the Last 10 Days
10 Crimson Tide

Recommended viewing for anyone interested in world domination.

Psychic Drivers

There seems to be an increasing number of car drivers on the road with the gift with second sight. They happily perform all manner of manoeuvres, without looking or signaling; safe in the knowledge that they can predict all possible road scenarios, and are protected from ever having or causing an accident.

Unfortunately, they assume that all other road users are equally blessed with this gift of second sight.

Newsflash guys, the rest of us don't have your gift; and would really appreciate it if you used your eyes and indicators in future.

Fat

Doctors are wont to despair at the high levels of fat in many peoples' diets.

They constantly harangue us about the risks of blocked arteries.

Piffle!

Fat is a lubcricant, like the oil in the engine of a car, the more fat in your arteries, the easier it will be for the blood to flow.

Obvious, isn't it?

Success

You will only succeed in life if you have an appetite so vast, that you could eat the world.