Ken's New Year Message

We bestride the cleft of the buttocks of not only a new year, but a new decade.

At this moment have a thought for past actions, decisions and plans that have been delayed and put off for weeks, months or even years.

Delay, dithering and procrastination in the hope that something will work out invariably makes matters worse.

I urge you to follow these three simple rules:

1 Don't dither.

2 Don't delay.

3 Make the decision, take action and grasp your destiny firmly by the horns; as you don't know how long you have left to enjoy the fruits of your labours.

The future is firmly in front of you, and it is in your hands!

Happy New Decade.

Merry Christmas

 I wish you all a Merry and peaceful Christmas!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Christmas Fanny

Christmas isn't Christmas without Fanny.

Ken's Christmas Tips - You Will Be Broke In January

Ken's Christmas Tips - Sanity Clause

Ken's Christmas Tips - A Gentle Reminder

It will be Christmas Day a week from now!

You are welcome!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Ordering Drinks In The Pub

At Christmas time, when pubs and bars are heaving, always make sure that you ask to test every beer and wine they have on the premises.

Landlords and customers alike are more than happy to wait for you to test everything, before you end up ordering a half of Carling!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Food and Booze Supplies

When judging how much food and booze you need to buy, ensure that you have enough to sate the appetites of quadruple the number of people you expect to socialise with over the Festive period (ie 12 days).

For why?

Most shops will be shut for 12 hours over Christmas.

Ken's Christmas Tips - An Elegant Sufficiency

When you go Christmas drinking, and have had an elegant sufficiency, always ensure that your route home has plenty of lampposts to steady your progress.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Hangovers

Avoid hangovers by having an Alka-Seltzer before going to bed, washed down with a litre of water.

Then for breakfast have lemon juice and a banana, washed down with a litre of water.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Norovirus

Given the prevalence of Norovirus during the Festive Season, when socialising, always ensure that you thoroughly sanitise your hands and fingers before touching any orifices!

Ken's Christmas Tips - The Flaming Pudding

In order to ensure you have a flaming pudding, always warm your brandy first!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Prick Your Bird's Thighs

One of the trickiest parts of cooking on Christmas Day is knowing when your bird is ready.

Simply prick your bird's thighs; if the juices run clear your bird is ready, if there is blood then your bird needs more time in the oven.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Be Careful of Your Nuts

Beware overindulging in nuts before consuming your bird, lest you not have the necessary appetite to do the bird justice!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Don't Watch The BBC

The BBC is presenting its worst Christmas Day schedule since I can remember (they have even exhumed The Two Ronnies!).

I have an old Radio Times in my archives from the 70's, that has a better selection of programmes that this pile of shite.

AVOID THE BBC ON CHRISTMAS DAY!

Ken's Christmas Tips - Moist Breasts

In order to ensure that your bird has moist breasts, roast it upside down then rest for at least 30 minutes before consuming.

Ken's Christmas Tips - Erecting Your Tree II

When erecting your tree, always ensure that it is firmly and stably mounted lest it collapses!