Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stocking Up

 

Even though most shops are only closed for a few hours over Christmas, it is the law of England that you must buy enough booze, fags and food to last you for a month!

Colon Efficiency Test

Test the efficiency of your colon by swallowing a can of sweetcorn (without chewing), and seeing how long the corn takes to pass through your system.

Advice To Supermarkets and Food Manufacturers

Advice To Self

Fatty pork chops, roast spuds, stuffing, half a kilo of brussels and excess gravy served on Sunday evening make a heady combination on Monday morning.

Macaroni Salad

Does anyone actually like macaroni salad?

What is the point of this abomination?

Advice To Self

Chili loaded potato skins followed by chicken curry is an unwise combination!

Advice To Chefs

When I ask for some butter with my pate and toast, please don't tell me I don't need it because "there is already fat in the pate"!

Advice To Manufacturers of Juice Containers

Tamper proof seals are an excellent idea. However, making them so "tamper proof" that a knife has to be violently used to break them (then causing the juice to gush everywhere) is not such a good idea.

Stews

Those who make stews should also consume them.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please eat your Iams this morning, we promise to restock your supplies of Felix later today!

Bubble and Squeak

Bubble and squeak is a most efficacious hangover cure.

Steak and Kidney Pudding

A magnificent dish, which is best enjoyed and digested when consumed before 10:00PM.

Tinned Ham

Why does the contents of a tin of ham never look like the photo on the outside of the tin?

Advice To Amy Winehouse

Eat more food, take less drugs.

Foam

Beware foam on your food...stick to gravy!

Advice To Democrat Voters

When deciding as to which of the presidential candidates is elitist, ask yourselves these questions:

- Which candidate was brought up by his father living on food stamps, and which candidate has spent most of her adult life in the White House and the governor's mansion?

- Which candidate is still paying off his student loan, and which candidate declared a joint income with her husband last year of over $100M?

Food

It's not the food that you eat that is bad for you, but the variety and quantity.

Waiters

Treat your waiter with respect, whilst they are serving your food, even if he or she is an utter shit.

Remember, the waiter is responsible for conveying your food from the kitchen to the table; a lot can happen in the short space of time.

Brussels Sprout Stalks

In the run up to Christmas, the markets fill up with all manner of unnecessary items; heavily promoted by "celebrity" chefs, earning a crust from the major food producers and supermarket chains.

One such item being Brussels sprouts still on their stalks.

These are a total waste of money; as not only are you paying for the weight of the stalk, but you also have to pluck the sprouts yourself.

Loose Brussels sprouts represent far better value for money.

Gate Gourmet

Anyone who has ever flown BA will surely know that the use of the word "gourmet", in the name of their on board food supplier, is an absurd contradiction.