Happy Walpurgis Night!

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

We are no longer offering free food and accommodation.

Success

An individual's success, relative to those around him/her, is dependent not just on the actions of that individual but on those around him/her.

Those who have achieved success should be mindful that it is therefore partly dependent on those around them.

Porridge

Porridge should be made with water, not milk, and should be eaten standing up.

Advice to Chefs

A piece of meat encased between two slabs of ciabatta is not a burger.

Happy St George's Day

Psychopaths

Psychopaths are intra species predators who tend to rise to the top of their respective feeding chains, eg business and politics.

Live Dangerously

Live dangerously, never carry an umbrella!

Toasters

Given that setting 3 brings a slice of bread to toasted perfection, why on earth do toasters need setting 6 which would clearly cremate anything put into the toaster?

Question For Charming Events

Regarding the 5 emails you sent me today wrt the following:

The best dates and venues always sell out early,
let us reserve your slot now

Christmas shared packages from just £129 pp + vat etc

Are you nuts?

Sunshine and White Trousers

It is a fundamental law of the universe that as soon as I don my white trousers the sun becomes occluded by the clouds!

Accurate Weather Forecasts

The weather forecasts for the last three days have been 100% accurate.

What the fark is going on??

Sunglasses

For that authentic "reverse panda" look, never remove your sunglasses when out in the sunshine.

Question For My Mobile Phone

Why do you run out of power at the very minute I need to use you?

Night Sweats

Night sweats are a most effective means of ridding the body of excess gin, whilst leaving the day free to consume more.

Weather Exuberance

Beware weather exuberance indulged in by the media eg "Britain set to be hotter than Athens", it is invariably bollocks!

Happy Easter!

Easter Weather

As sure as eggs are eggs, the British Easter weekend weather looks like being absolute shite!

April Fool

Today being April Fools' Day, we have to endure the media thinking it is being very witty by inserting made up stories into the newsflow of reality.

Much like every other day of the week then!