Ken's Christmas Crackers - Merry Christmas!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stuff Your Bird!

Stooge Stuffing GIFfrom Stooge GIFs

Remember to give your bird a good stuffing this Christmas!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Mind Your Nuts!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Queen's Christmas Broadcast 2021

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Improvisation Is The Key!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The True Meaning of Christmas

 

Christmas is for wants, not needs!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Joy of Gift Giving

 

Choose wisely!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Get Your Brasso Out!

 

Get your Brasso out, and polish your artefacts.

Christmas isn't Christmas without a shiny artefact on the mantelpiece, or in front of the fire!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - When You Realise Santa Isn't Real

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Decisions Made at Christmas

 

Important decisions (eg personal, business, financial, political etc) made or authorised in the fortnight before Christmas always come back to bite you on the arse in the new year!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Christmas Lights

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Christmas Puddings Last Forever

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Sanity Clause

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Santa Surprise

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Big Bastard Ham Pot

 

In order to ensure that you have the means to cook a decent sized ham for Christmas, ensure that you have a big bastard pot to cook it in.

Mine is 37 litres, and measures over 14 inches in diameter!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Traditional Christmas Cucumber

 

Christmas isn't Christmas until you have erected the traditional Christmas cucumber and decorated it with some really crap lights!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - How To Deal With a Threadbare Tree

In the unfortunate event you have a threadbare tree, distract people's attention by placing a large stone statue of Nelson on the top of it.

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Only 24 More Variants Until Christmas!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Guide To A Covid Free Christmas

 

1 Don't listen to politicians or "experts"

2 Don't watch BBC News

3 Don't read the papers

4 Mute Peston

5 Spurn Stalin's Nanny and FAKE SAGE

6 Turn off Twitter

7 Don't share fake Covid news on Facebook

Question For Nicola Sturgeon

 

Now that 6 cases of Omicron have been detected in Scotland (despite your mask mandates and vax passports), will you be closing your border to protect the English?

Advice To The French Police

If you slash a hole in the dinghies before they enter the water, they won't be able to go in the water and you will save lives!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Sprouts

 

Given that Christmas is only one month away, it is vital that you start boiling your sprouts now.

Remember to add lots of salt to the water and ensure that they are hard boiling, in order to ensure that every last morsel of goodness, flavour and texture is destroyed.

A Path Well Trodden

  A path well trodden does not always get you to the place that you want to be.

The Fool

  The fool is the wisest man in the royal court!

Black Friday

 

It's only Monday, but I am already sick to death of Black Friday!

Advice to Wannabe Celebs, Sports People and Influencers etc

 

Gaining the media spotlight may not be everything that you had hoped for.

Once the media have built you up, it will most assuredly tear you down and expose every wart and indiscretion!

Question for The SNP

 

Exactly what constitutes "only a small number of beheadings"?

This young woman has been prevented by returning home by a heartless Tory government.

She witnessed only a small number of beheadings, and with our independence, Scotland would welcome her and allow her to vote.

She has apologised, it’s time to move on! https://t.co/9m1KNnRn4Q

— Callum Bruce SNP 🏴󠁧󠁢󠁳󠁣󠁴󠁿 (@CallumBruceSNP) November 14, 2021

The Arc of History

I continue to bend the arc of history!

Twitter Finally Abandons Its Auto Refresh Feature

 

After countless complaints from its users over the past few months, Twitter appears to have finally abandoned its absurd auto refresh feature that it foisted onto its hapless users a few months ago.

About bloody time!

Advice To Priti Patel

 

When hiring the replacement for the departing head of the UK Border Force, don't hire someone who thinks that borders are a "pain in the arse"!

Nice Weather if You're a Duck!

 

The phrase "nice weather if you're a duck" is often used when the weather if wet and miserable.

However, I have yet to see a duck that looks happy in wet miserable weather;, they are clearly happier when the sun is shining!

Lest We Forget

 

Proper Pesto

 

Remember folks it's not proper Pesto if it's not made from olive oil, pine kernels, garlic and DOP Parmigiano Reggiano!

Climate Change

 

Mitigation of the effects of climate change is a far better strategy than the current Canute strategy of reversing it!

Defined Paths

 

Defined paths are not always the best routes to take!

Happy Guy Fawkes' Night

 

24 Hours is a Long Time in Politics!

Pleased to be reappointed to my role as PPS to Michael Gove. Busy department and work to get on with. #LevellingUp

— Angela Richardson MP (@AJRichardsonMP) November 4, 2021

Advice To Inseminate Britain Activists

 

Instead of gluing yourselves to roads, thereby stopping ordinary people from going to work or hospitals, why not glue yourself to Bezos's rocket?

George Smiley Nails It!

 

We could replace the police with scarecrows. https://t.co/c8HOdPcxoV

— George Smiley (@364690) November 2, 2021

Advice To Jon Snow

 

 October is a windy month in the UK, trees do fall down; it's not the farking apocalypse!

BLACK SWAN ALERT - North Korea

 

Kim Jong-un tells starving North Koreans to feast on 'delicious' black swan https://t.co/S4SBUbITHG

— The Sun (@TheSun) October 29, 2021

Revenge is Sweet!

 

Egg Delivery Day Today - Let Joy Be Untrammelled!

 

Get a free £10 credit for The Good Egg Fellas. Use coupon: REFFKUF2B7RY9 https://t.co/viYI3PB2Br

— Ken Frost (@ken_frost) October 25, 2021

The Universe Reveals Its Secrets To Me - The Vacuum Hose Clip

 

Until last week I didn't know that there are hose clips on my vacuum cleaner, one on the side and one on the bottom.

Ever so slowly the universe is revealing its secrets to me!