Merry Christmas

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Sanity Clause

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - A Well Buttered Bird

 

Christmas wouldn't be Christmas without a well buttered bird, ready for a bit of stuffing, being the highpoint of the day!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stocking Up

 

Even though most shops are only closed for a few hours over Christmas, it is the law of England that you buy enough booze, fags and food to last you for a month!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Christmas Cock Up

 

As sure as eggs are eggs, any major decision/project undertaken/authorised in the last few days before Christmas will inevitably blow up in your face in the new year.

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Sour Faced Shop Staff

 

Always wish a sour faced shop assistant a very "Merry Christmas", and take pleasure in their grimaced attempt at wishing you the same.

Advice To Fraudulent Charities

 

Don't publish photos of your associates enjoying their brand new tech, that you have bought using funds bilked from people who thought that they were donating for a worthy cause!

Glad Lucia!

 

Advice To The Douches of Sussex

 

The Monarchy IS hierarchical, you know that perfectly well; so don't feign astonishment about the hierarchy in your bollocks arsed self promotion movie!

Happy St Andrew's Day

 

How To Win - The Rules of The Game

 

Under promise.

Over Achieve!

Advice To Crypto "Investors" and Small Business Owners

 

In the event that your "financial bucket" leaks, either plug the holes or get a new bucket.

Under no circumstances continue to fill it in the vain hope that the extra liquidity will somehow plug the leaks!

Black Friday is Bollocks!

 

Black Friday is utter BOLLOCKS, an American import we could well do without!

Don't get me started about Cyber Monday!

Happy Thanksgiving

 

A very happy and peaceful Thanksgiving to my American chums, and the good people of the USA.

Happy 59th Birthday Doctor Who - #DoctorWhoDay

 

"How many Doctors are there?"
"I think we're going to be here quite some time..."

A very happy #DoctorWhoDay from ALL of the Doctors! 💙💙 pic.twitter.com/mbKRXJ4MMO

— Doctor Who (@bbcdoctorwho) November 23, 2022

As is traditional on #DoctorWhoDay here are the #DoctorWho actors as youngsters. pic.twitter.com/JuXu4EtleS

— CaptKarnstein 💀 (@CaptKarnstein) November 23, 2022

Advice To Lycett

 

Shredding £10K will have piss all effect on inflation, you will need to shred billions in order to reduce the money supply and make a dent in inflation.

Qatar Bans Beer - Who Knew?

 

FIFA have announced: 

"Following discussions between host country authorities and FIFA, a decision has been made to focus the sale of alcoholic beverages on the FIFA Fan Festival, other fan destinations and licensed venues, removing sales points of beer from Qatar's FIFA World Cup 2022 stadium perimeters."

A tweet from the official Budweiser account on Friday morning simply said: 

"Well, this is awkward..."

Let's see what else Qatar bans at the last minute!

So who took the bribes then when the FIFA gave Qatar the World Cup?

Advice To Jeremy Hunt

 

It is better to shelter or change course from a storm, rather than face into it!

Advice To The Media re NATO

 

Article 5 is not the only Article in NATO's playbook!

Advice To Lavrov

 

Russian Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov taken to hospital following his arrival for the Group of 20 summit in Bali. No reason yet revealed. some local officials hint at heart condition.

— Andrew Neil (@afneil) November 14, 2022

 Insist on a ground floor hospital room with no windows!

Schroedinger's Kherson

 

 

KREMLIN: THERE CAN BE NO CHANGES TO KHERSON REGION'S STATUS IN RUSSIA

— First Squawk (@FirstSquawk) November 11, 2022

Technocrats

Technocrats do not make good leaders or Prime Ministers!

Advice To Politicians

 

Outsourcing jobs and importing virtue is not the way to run the country!

Forged In Fire

 

Great men are forged in fire, it is the privilege of lesser men to light the flame.

Oh I Do Like To Be Beside The Seaside!

 

Advice To Central Banks

 

Inflation did not come out of "nowhere"!

It came from a.o.:

- QE arising from the 2008 crash

- Putin's war of aggression causing energy and food price spikes

- Covid lockdowns 

- Central banks' inability and unwillingness to address the issue

Solar Eclipse and Rishi Sunak

 

By happenstance, the UK was experiencing a partial solar eclipse at the very moment Rishi Sunak was appointed Prime Minister by the King.

Decisions

 

Decisions are best not run away from, as the consequences of running away will inevitably catch up with you.

Happy Trafalgar Day

 

England expects that every man will do his duty!

Why Are Pizzas Round?

 

Why are pizzas round, when the boxes they come in are square?

Advice To The Manufacturers of Processed Sliced Chicken Breast

 

Don't press the slices so firmly together, it is impossible to even peel them apart without them tearing!

Advice To The Chancellor

 

In order to save time and paper in the future, please present your budget on an Etch A Sketch; as clearly budgets are now a daily occurence!

Avoiding Reality

 

By all means avoid reality for as long as you want, and by whatever means that may distract you.

However, be aware that you can't avoid the consequences of avoiding reality!

How Not To Conduct a Military Briefing - Avoid Mentioning Gay Satanists!

Kadyrov's officer explains to ordinary soldiers why they are fighting.
Spoiler: against gay Satanists.
(English subtitles) pic.twitter.com/Sy4NPzwRyz

— Special Kherson Cat 🐈🇺🇦 (@bayraktar_1love) October 12, 2022

Computers, The Internet and The Law of Sod

 

 You can guarantee that whenever you have something urgent to do on the pc, bot the pc itself and the internet will run at a snail's pace!

Trump Was Right About Nord Stream

 

Here's Trump in July 2018 lecturing NATO on why the Nord Stream 2 pipeline between Germany & Russia needs to be stopped. I don't think this clip ever aired on CNN and MSNBC, which were only interested in speculating that he was a blackmailed Russian asset: pic.twitter.com/3LREj0qqPH

— Aaron Maté (@aaronjmate) October 3, 2022

Self Help Books

 

Bookshops abound with self help books that promise all kinds of improvements in your life eg; money, health, mental well-being etc.

Yet there is most decidedly a gap in the market for books that appeal to the most basic human instincts eg; laziness, sloth, greed, gluttony etc.

Where are the books that help people become more lazy, more greedy etc?

Ken's Christmas Tips - Brussels Sprouts

 

Now that Christmas is less than three months away, it is vital that you start boiling your brussels sprouts immediately; in order to ensure that they are totally devoid of taste, texture, colour and goodness!

BST To Stay

 

Unconfirmed reports are reaching me that British Summer Time is expected to continue, and that the clocks will not be put back next month.

Given that it is pissing down, this move is ironic, but welcome news!

Let Joy Be Untrammelled!

 

Despite inflation in all manner of goods and service prices, my insurance quote for the coming year has fallen by a staggering £8.

Let joy be untrammelled!

Thoughts and Prayers for Jedward

For two people that seemingly despise the monarchy. Jedward seemed pretty excited here that they performed for her majesty. pic.twitter.com/PRr0rbqqTw

— hollie (@hollie_mcg) September 14, 2022

 

Thoughts and prayers for Jedward, as dementia has clearly set in!

The Elizabeth Line - Live

 

Energy Saving Tip

 

 Cut down your electricity usage by a third, by using two pin plugs instead of three pin ones!

Thank You for Your Service and RIP

 

Energy Saving Tip

  

Your smart meter uses electricity, turn it off to save money!

Cincinnatus

 

Don't forget, Cincinnatus returned from the farm!

Advice To The Incoming Prime Minister

 

Never waste a good crisis!

The 'Er Months Are Upon Us!

 

Today, 1 September, marks the beginning of the "'er months".

Poem For The Rat That Crosses My Path Every Morning Along The Seafront

 

Good morning Mr Rat,

Where are you at?

Lucky for you,

I didn't bring my cat!

The End

The Sunday Sport Nails It!

 

25 years I've been here and in that time I've written millions of words of pointless tripe. Even in another 25 years, though, I'll never reach this standard... pic.twitter.com/c3wi24OCBI

— Sunday Sport (@thesundaysport) August 30, 2022

Have It Large This Bank Holiday Weekend!

 

Risk

 

A ship in a harbour is exposed to less risk than when it is at sea. However, that is not why ships are built!

Every Success To The People of Ukraine on Their Independence Day

 

Prepping For The Winter Energy Crisis

 

Remember to have plentiful stocks of tinned food that can be eaten without being heated up, and remember to have a tin opener in case the pull ring/can key breaks!

Graft is Good!

 

Weather App - 100% More Reliable Than The TV Forecasts

 

Save Money on Postage

 

How to save money on postage:

1 Address the letter to yourself.

2 Write the recipient's address on the back.

3 Do NOT put a stamp on it.

4 Post it.

The Royal Mail will then send it to the addressee on the back, saying insufficient postage!

Have it Large This Weekend!

 

Kudos To The Labour Party

 

Kudos to the Labour party, they have held a secret leadership election and voted in Gordon Brown as their new leader in less than a week.

Something the Tories could learn from!