Cover Yourselves Up

It has become the fashion on hot summer days, for people to sit outside cafes and bars; exposing as much flesh as they can legally get away with.

That would all be very well, if we all had the figures of Greek gods and goddesses. Unfortunately, the majority of us don't.

I find, and I suspect that many others find, the sight of flabby beer bellies, paunches and undulating sweaty rolls of fat to be very off-putting; both aesthetically, and in terms of appetite when eating.

Please have some consideration for others, and cover yourselves up in public areas.

Dog Crap

There are still some dog owners who allow their mutts to befoul the pavement, without cleaning the mess up afterwards.

I suggest that the owners who disregard others' rights to walk on a clean pavement, have their noses rubbed in the offensive mess; literally!

That will act as a far greater incentive to keep the pavements clean, than any fine.

Consumer Debt

The consumer economies of the Western world rely on debt to keep them growing; that is a known, and accepted, fact.

However, the level of debt is now reaching proportions that threaten the very basis of those societies.

The UK consumer debt will hit £1 trillion today; yes, £1 trillion!

That level of debt, in the event of an unexpected economic wobble, is unsustainable.

How did we get ourselves into this position?

Simple, people are now brought up to believe that whatever they want they can have immediately; without waiting, or saving. Instant gratification is the "name of the game".

The average adult consumer behaves more like a child let loose in a candy store.

It is now time to restrain those urges for instant gratification, and apply a little self restraint.

Remember, "famine follows feast".

Excess Swearing

Some people appear to be incapable of "communicating" without liberally peppering their sentences with an unhealthy dose of expletives, and four letter words.

They delude themselves that this gives them credibility, and that swearing "adds weight" to the point that they are making.

In reality all they are doing is displaying their limited capability for verbal reasoning, and their inferiority complex in respect of using sentences with a more complex structure.

In short, they are showing themselves to be ignorant dolts with a limited vocabulary.

Politicians Lie

Politicians lie, it is in their nature and it is the nature of their chosen "profession".

Why are voters always so shocked, and surprised, when another political "untruth" is exposed?

Shoelaces

If your shoelaces are prone to coming undone on a regular basis, boil them in water for a few minutes.

This will resolve the problem.

Do remember to remove the laces from your shoes first though!

Help Your Cat Settle In

When trying to help your cat settle in to its new home, always put butter on its paws.

Once the cat has finished licking its paws clean, it will feel suitably relaxed and comfortable in its new environment.

Clean Underwear

In the event that you are about to be run over by a bus, make sure that you change your underwear first.

Clean underwear makes a good impression with the hospital staff, who have to try to put you back together again.

Conversely, you could try to avoid being knocked over in the first place.

The choice is yours!

A Healthy Way To Start The Day

I blend the following in a glass of mineral water each morning:

• A full clove of fresh garlic



• A bunch of fresh parsley



• A sprig of fresh mint



• A small tomato



• A chunk of fresh ginger

This is an ideal way to start the day, and an excellent means of providing a system detox and purifying the blood.

I commend that you do the same.

Microwave Cookers

Do not try to dry your wet pets in a microwave.

They have a nasty tendency to explode (the pets that is).

Advice To Acne Ridden Teenagers

When squeezing your acne, make sure that you are a good distance away from the mirror.

That way you will avoid smudging the mirror with the puss, as it explodes from the squeezed spot.

Pollution

Animals do not befoul their own nests; yet humans are happy to befoul, and pollute the earth (their nest).

Why?

Humans should learn from the animals in this respect.

UFO's

Flying saucers and little green men do not exist.

UFO's, and objects resembling flying saucers, are man made.

The stories about flying saucers, and aliens have been fabricated by military organisations; seeking to deflect public attention from their development work on advanced weapons technology.

Don't fall for the biggest con trick of the last 60 years.

Doggy Poo

It has come to my attention that there is a movie playing in the Far East called "Doggy Poo".

It seems that this artistic endeavour covers the life and times of a sentient lump of dog crap.

Has it really come to this?

Surely there are better things that the writers, financial backers and viewing public could be doing with their time and money; than wallowing in dog crap?

Ghosts

There are no such things as ghosts.
 
Apparitions are brought about by the overactive imaginations of people, who are susceptible to the suggestions and influence of others.

Porpoise

What is the purpose of a porpoise?

The British Pub

The world would be a better place if British pubs, and pub culture, became a global phenomenon.

British pubs are an ideal venue for discussing political issues of the day; and for resolving disputes, by the time honoured method of getting blind drunk and having a bar brawl.

Go forth and build pubs!

Eggs

In my view you can never have too many eggs.

They are versatile, and nutritious. Aside from their habit of causing mild constipation, they are a splendid food source.

Make them compulsory, that's what I say.

The Blame Game

There are those who, viewing their own lives as unsatisfactory, seek to blame others; such as the government, society and "big business" etc.

My advice to these people is simple; don't wallow in self pity, "get off your knees" and take responsibility for your life. Address your percieved failings, and take steps to improve your life.

Public Parks

Far too many public parks are bedecked with signs containing the word "no". This is not conducive to creating a warm inviting atmosphere.

Let us change this negative culture and attitude. I want to see signs put with positive welcoming messages such as:

"Please enjoy your picnic here"

The Grass Is Always Greener

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, or so the saying goes.

I disagree, the other side of my neighbour's fence is concreted over.

Intolerance

I am intolerant of intolerance, and those who are intolerant.

Mateus Rose

A splendid fine wine, with zesty kick. Ideal for summer drinking.

Ignore the wine snobs, drink it copiously this summer.

Table Manners

Children should be taught table manners on a compulsory basis. Basic etiquette, such as saying please and thank you when requesting salt to be passed, should drummed into them from an early age.

This will be of enormous benefit to them later in life; and will ensure that those who currently have to endure dining behaviour, akin to a zoo, will have a more civilised meal.

Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two festivals viewed by some as a chance to bring families together; yet, more often than not, they are the cause of family rifts and arguments.

I suggest that these two festivals be given a health warning.

Water and Diamonds, The Paradox of Value

Water is one of nature's most useful and versatile resources.

In the West it is readily available at very low cost. Whereas in the third world, clean available water commands a hefty premium to those on the verge of starvation.

Diamonds, on the other hand, are intrinsically worthless in terms of versatility and value.

Those that dig them out of the ground, in Africa, receive if they are lucky a living wage. Those that are unlucky, are forced to dig for diamonds with a gun to their head.

However, diamonds in the West command a hefty premium.

A strange paradox of value, wouldn't you agree?

Christmas

Christmas is for wants, not needs.

Corporate Bureaucracy

Corporate bureaucracy is designed to stifle innovation and initiative.

Companies with excessive bureaucracy will find themselves consigned to the dustbin of history.

Veils

Why do men not wear veils?

Beauty

Beauty, whilst appealing to the eye, is not always a guarantee of safety and warmth.

The rose has thorns which will cut you, if you do not handle it with care.