Ken's Christmas Crackers - Post Early For Christmas

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stuff Your Bird

Stooge Stuffing GIFfrom Stooge GIFs

Ken's Christmas Crackers - One Week To Go!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Christmas Cock Up

 

As sure as eggs are eggs, any major decision/project undertaken/authorised in the last few days before Christmas will inevitably blow up in your face in the new year.

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Is Your Bird Ready?

 

One of the trickiest parts of cooking on Christmas Day is knowing when your bird is ready.

Simply prick your bird's thighs; if the juices run clear your bird is ready, if there is blood then your bird needs more time in the oven.

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Thighs, Breasts and Legs Galore!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stuff Your Hampers!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Ghost of Christmas Yet To Come

 

Christmas 2030 - the perils of Shrinkflation!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Don't Forget To Write To Santa

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Stock Up!

 

Even though most shops are only closed for a few hours over Christmas, it is the law of England that you buy enough booze, fags and food to last you for a month!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - You Can Never Have Too Much Mayonnaise!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Always Mount a Fairy On Your Tree

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Do You Believe In Sanity Clause?

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - You Can Never Have Too Much Fanny!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - 'Tis The Season To Burn The House Down!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Send Someone a Festive Message!

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - The Joy of Christmas Lights

 

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Get Your Brasso Out!

 

Get your Brasso out, and polish your artefacts.

Christmas isn't Christmas without a shiny artefact on the mantelpiece, or in front of the fire!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Christmas Carols

 

While shepherds washed their pots by night!

Ken's Christmas Crackers - Brussels Sprouts

 

Now that Christmas is just one month away, it is vital that you start boiling your brussels sprouts immediately; in order to ensure that they are totally devoid of taste, texture, colour and goodness!

Jaguar Withdraws From The Car Market

 

Copy nothing. #Jaguar pic.twitter.com/BfVhc3l09B

— Jaguar (@Jaguar) November 19, 2024

Irony Klaxon - Yousaf Did It To Himself!

 

Twats!

 

In Memoriam The Guardian (Departing Twitter) - A Collection of Its Most Useless Headlines

 

In honour of the Guardian announcing it was leaving X

I thought it was the right time to look back on some of their classic headlines 🧵

Feel free to add your own 👇

— Basil (@Basil_TGMD) November 13, 2024

Oil and Gas Are The Gift of God - COP29!

 

Amazing scenes as Azerbaijan's president kicks off COP29 by hailing oil, gas and other natural resources as a "gift of the God"

— James Heale (@JAHeale) November 12, 2024

Drill baby, drill!

Amsterdam 2024 - It Is Happening Again!

 

Those that ignore history will be destroyed by it!

Jill Biden's Revenge

 

Never Get In The Way of a Man and His Pint!

 

The Budget and The Penny Saving on Pints

 

Yesterday's budget included a 1.7% reduction in draught duty on beer, which translates to about 1 penny off a pint at the pub.

To profit in term of pints earned from this reduction, you'd need to drink enough pints to cover the cost of the pint itself. For example, if a pint costs £4, you'd need to drink at least 400 pints to cover the cost.

Advice To Starmer re "Embracing Harsh Light"

 

1 Change your speech writer.

2 No one in their right mind would want to embrace a "harsh light"!

BBC Weather App Jumps The Shark

 

The Guardian Truly Is A Shite Newspaper!

 

I wouldn't use the Guardian to wipe my armpits with, let alone use it as a source of news or informed comment!

The Rules of The Super-injunction Club

 

What happens in the Super-injunction Club stays in the Super-injunction Club!

UNRWA Terrorists Immune From Prosecution But Not From Being Blown Up

 

The United Nations agency for Palestinian refugees confirms that Fateh Sherif, named by Hamas as its leader in Lebanon, was employed by UNRWA.

It is more than a little "ironic"" that UN terrorist employees are immune from prosecution. Fortunately that immunity doesn't extend to them being blown up!

Advice To The BBC - Learn To Spell "Britain" You Useless Wankers!

 

IRONY KLAXON - Free-Gear Keir Take Note!

 

A former govt minister in Singapore has been found guilty of bribery after taking gifts while in office.

The gifts included "flights, hotel stays, musical tickets and grand prix tickets" pic.twitter.com/qYiKXbwAEq

— Saul Staniforth (@SaulStaniforth) September 24, 2024

Happy Chuseok

 

Happy Chuseok to my Korean friends and the good people of Korea.

Advice To Gareth Snell MP - Don't Bother Standing For Re-Election!

 

Only Working Class Women Allowed To Dance - Apparently!

 

"The Peaceful Majority Is Irrelevant" - Brigitte Gabriel Nails It!

 

Brigitte Gabriel gives FANTASTIC answer to M☪️ woman claiming all Muslims are portrayed badly . pic.twitter.com/1GfV6OIr0J

— Leeonie (@Leeonie__1) September 4, 2024

Question For Biden re Iranian Missiles Hitting Ukraine

 

Why are Iranian and North Korean missiles hitting Ukraine not risking an escalation, yet American ones (were they to do so) hitting Russia are?

Signs of The August Bank Holiday Approaching

 

1 It starts pissing down.

2 The heating comes on automatically.

'Twas ever thus!

Be More Robust - Lee Hsien Loong Nails It!

 

Lee Hsien Loong, the former prime minister of Singapore, gives an outside perspective on Wokeness in the United States.

🔊 pic.twitter.com/pBZJJFTU3Y

— The Rabbit Hole (@TheRabbitHole84) August 20, 2024

Advice To The Allies of The USA

 

When planning a military operation, do not under any circumstances share your plans before the operation with the USA. Only brief the USA afterwards.

That way you can be assured that the plans won't be leaked to the media or your enemy!

Advice To Ukrainians Currently Occupying The Kursk Region

 

Install first world plumbing in the bathrooms there, this will guarantee an uprising against Putin!

Two Tier Policing - Advice To The Ex Head of The DPP

 

When you have two tier policing, where certain groups are seen to be above the law and allowed to run riot yet others (eg a lady in her 70's walking down the street) are arrested, the trust in the police, the state and democracy itself dies.

Starmer, as ex head of the DPP, ought to know that. However, at the moment, his actions indicate he supports the two tier arrangement!

Advice To Venezuela's Socialist Dictator - Votes Cannnot Exceed 100%

 

Venezuela: Maduro's state-controlled media published fake results of the election that comically add up to 109.2%.
National exit poll conducted by American firm Edison Research has Maduro at just 31% and Gonzalez at 65%. https://t.co/bTuLfXGBRt pic.twitter.com/23lXPCFEpu

— Igor Sushko (@igorsushko) July 29, 2024

Advice To People Using a Lawyer

 

 Avoid lawyers who boast about their £1M car collection and their love of Lamborghinis!

Oh, and it would probably also be a red flag that they repeatedly lie.

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That?

 

When is terrorism not terrorism?

When it's a "mental health episode".

Has Anyone Told Biden He's Not Standing?

 

Advice To Adidas

 

Find a small room, in a nondescript house in a nondescript part of town and hide there without saying a word for the next few years!

Advice To Emily Maitlis

 

  Think before you tweet!