Advice To Home Secretaries

Don't fiddle your expenses.

Vacuum Cleaners

It is unwise to have sex with vacuum cleaners in public!

"A man police caught performing a sex act with a car wash vacuum has been sentenced to 90 days in prison.

Jason Leroy Savage must also submit to drug testing.
The 29-year-old from Michigan, was sentenced at Saginaw County Circuit Court.
Savage pleaded no contest to indecent exposure last month.

Police said Savage was arrested after a resident called officers early on October 16 to report suspicious activity at a car wash in Thomas Township, about 90 miles north-west of Detroit.

Savage's lawyer, Philip Sturtz, didn't immediately return a message seeking comment."

Source MSN

Silence

Silence is sometimes a very effective means of communication.

IT As A Panacea

IT is the not the universal panacea for the world's problems.

IT and Governments

Governments don't do, or "get", IT.

PERIOD!

Advice To Lord Myners

Give up now, before you suffer further humiliation and dishonour.

Advice To A Certain Waitress

Learn to smile.

NHS Foundation Trusts

A contradiction in terms!

Personal Data

Voters should never allow the state access to excessive amounts of personal data. The state will always misuse the data for its own ends.

Targets

Targets encourage greed and cheating, and they stifle initiative and creativity. In the case of the NHS, they also kill people.

Advice To Workmen Who Charge By The Hour

Turn your mobiles off when you start a job and only turn them on to check them when you are on a break; rather than conducting your love life, placing bets and running half a dozen other jobs during the course of your paid by the hour assignment.

Procedures II

Procedures stifle risk taking and creativity.

Religion

In order for mankind to progress and advance, it is necessary for the hand of religion to be removed from the political levers of power and influence.

Procedures

People hide behind procedures to avoid using their initiative and intelligence.

Reality Check

In case some of you haven't yet realised it, the UK is now broke.

All the plans and promises made by the government wrt pensions, NHS, education etc will be quietly broken; as there simply isn't any cash left to pay for them.

We have been living beyond our means, the consequences are not going to be very pleasant.

Colds

It is the law of nature that the coughing, sneezing, sweating and bright green emissions from a cold are at their very peak just before you have it beaten.

Cat Flaps

It is an irrefutable law of the universe that people who live in homes with cat flaps will find that a cat walks through it one day, even if it not the cat's normal residence.

Seat Belts

Why are airplanes and cars required to have seat belts, but not buses and trains?

Advice To Harriet Harman

Your "court of public opinion" is nothing more than a lynch mob stirred up by lousy politicians such as yourself, in a pathetic attempt to divert the public's attention from your own failures and to conduct your private vendettas.

To say that public opinion outranks the rule of law shows the contempt that you, and your colleagues, have for the rule of law in the UK.

My advice to you is to shut up, lest someone subject you to the "court of public opinion".

Lynch mobs can turn on those who set them up!

Advice To French Concierges

When you are given a package for one of your residents, deliver it to that resident asap don't stuff it in a cubby hole and go on holiday for week.

Knightood

Why is Ted Kennedy receiving an honorary knighthood for his IRA fundraising activities?

Freedom

You cannot cherry pick which aspects of freedom you approve of, and which you don't.

Question To Gordon Brown et al

As and when you leave office, and leave the country and its financial system in a mess; will you forgo your pension and future earnings from lecture tours etc, as you have suggested that the "greedy" bankers (some of whom you gave knighthoods to) should do?