Such A Wind!

What a windy rainy day!

Tomorrow's New Year's celebrations may well be a bit of a wash out.

The Nightmare of Christmas

Christmas Day and Boxing Day sales!

The Horizon

Running towards the horizon is a futile exercise, as space is curved you will only end up back where you started.

One Week Until Christmas

Panic in the streets!

Advice To Clive

Please dry yourself before sitting on our chairs!

Chaos

One man's "chaos" is another's opportunity.

Muse

The muse has temporarily run out.

Wind

But for the wind, the winter in this country could be tolerable.

Christmas

Egad, 21 days until Christmas and not one card written!

Deterrence

Deterrence is only effective if it prevents aggression.

Monday Morning

Another Monday morning has crashed down upon us, challenging us to face the week ahead!

Belated Happy Thanksgiving

A belated Happy Thanksgiving to my American friends!

Tax Forms

A hunted for tax form is never found!

Brian Griffin

Egad, Brian Griffin has been killed off!

Brave Postie

My compliments to our hardy postman who is still wearing shorts, despite the fact it is late November.

Meat Stews

Meat stews really ought to contain some meat.

Product Insurance Salespersons

What is it with oven/boiler insurance salespersons repeatedly bombarding me with phone calls and letters entreating me to insure my oven and boiler?

No means NO!

Greyness

The greyness of the weather saps the inspiration.

The Internet

Why does my connection to the net always crash at the precise moment I am trying to open an important document?

Printers

A watched printer never prints!

Who Drank All The Milk?

Rules of a Good Man

The rules that a good man lives his life by are not a sign of weakness, but are in fact a sign of strength.

Life Before Mobile Phones

Believe it or not, life and human interaction was possible before the advent of mobile phones!

The British Climate

People complain that it is cold in Britain around this time of year. They are wrong, it's not cold as such it's damp; it's the damp that makes it feel cold.

Evil

Evil cowers when a good man goes to war!

Happy Guy Fawkes Night!

Enjoy your bonfires (please check for hedgehogs etc nesting in them before you light them) and fireworks this evening folks!

Bills

Why do bills all turn up in clusters like buses?

Halloween

Managed to endure another Halloween of noisy knockers!

Halloween

Beware the beggars ringing your doorbells tonight!

Question For Clive The Cat

Do you do nothing but eat and sleep here, even though this is not your home?

Spam

My spam box is becoming so overloaded these days that I could make a batch of sandwiches out of the spam that could feed thousands!

Closed Doors

A closed door is not necessarily a locked door!

Economic Booms and Busts

Economic booms and busts are like the tides, whilst you cannot prevent them happening you should build sufficient defences in order to weather them.

Advice To Clive

Your mummy and daddy will be missing you if you continue to eat and sleep here!

Bleeping

Will someone please turn that bleedin' bleeping off.

I am not on fire am I?

Porridge

Porridge should be fibrous and coarse, not milled to a fine powder with no texture/body!

Advice To Clive

Egad sir, you are eating us out of house and home!

Advice To Clive

You do not live here, your mummy and daddy live down the road!

Rolling Stones

Rolling stones may well gather no moss. However, if they are large enough, they sure as hell crush the moss!

Today Is Porridge Day

I officially declare today to be porridge day!

Please note you make it with water, you do not add milk instead you may add a pinch of salt; and you must eat it standing up!

Bells

When does the bell toll?

Wisdom

Wisdom is not being stressed at being "wise" after the event.

That Friday Feeling

That Friday feeling is distinctly lacking at the moment; given the grey, wet, windy weather. Summer seems but a long faded memory!

Victory

Victory is a dangerous opportunity.

Ongoing Advice To Clive

Sorry Clive, we have had to temporarily bar you from the kitchen as you keep eating our cat's food in vast quantities!

Wills

It is advisable to make a will, no matter what your age, and of the utmost importance that the location of the will be communicated to relevant parties such as your lawyer.

Monday

Another dismal Monday crashes down upon us with the depressing inevitability of an unloved season!

Apologies To The Teddy Bear Cat

I am glad to hear that you do in fact have an owner, who lives locally, and apologies for not up until now knowing you real name which I understand is Clive.

Consciences In Business

Consciences and being a "c*nt" in business should not be confused. You can have a conscience and be a wealthy businessperson, but being a "c*nt" in business precludes you from having conscience.

Advice To The Teddy Bear Cat

Sorry Teddy Bear cat, it is evident you have lost your owners (or that they have lost you), as such we have asked a local cat re-homing organisation to visit to take you in for proper care (to check if you are chipped) and if necessary to find you a loving home.

Tis Friday

Tis Friday and, as is the tradition, my email box is stuffed with a veritable smorgasbord of offers for my "erectile dysfunction", my libido and a mysterious product called "vigara"!

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We've made the menu options easier for you to access the service that you are looking for."

Advice To The Teddy Bear Cat

Rosie may not mind sharing her food supplies with you, but we would appreciate a contribution towards it!

Advice To Banks

I am not an algorithm, I am an individual!

Happy Friday The 13th!

A happy, safe and enjoyable Friday the 13th to you all!

Family Feuds

Family feuds drag on for so long usually because those involved cannot, or will not, see that the protagonists are in many respects identical in personality, behaviour and trigger points.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The wooden decking and stairs that lead from the lounge into the garden is being replaced to make it safe to use for all of our benefits.

In the meantime you will have to use your cat flap to go into the garden, rather than ask us to open the lounge/garden door for you.

Blindness

There's nowt so blind as those who will not see.

Advice To Prince Andrew

The Royal protection officers have nothing to apologise for!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Nigel has asked me to remind you that he did fill your food bowl on several occasions, therefore he had a right to borrow it for his own food and return it to you washed.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Nigel has apologised for using your bowl.

Advice To House Guests From My Cat

The cat's food bowls are white, and should not be used for your morning cereal.

Those who do use the cat's bowls should be aware that she expects house guests to wash them thoroughly afterwards.

Proofreading Email

It is best to proofread your email before hitting the "send" button.

The Definition of a Bank

A bank will rent you an umbrella only to forcibly repossess it from you when it starts to rain.

War Memorials

To build a war memorial, first find a million victims.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We value your feedback"

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

It is very rude of you to barge past people on the stairs when you are going for your breakfast.

Save A Fly

It is good to save a fly from drowning in a drop of water.

For who is to say that one day you yourself may be that fly in need of rescue?

Heatwave?

Errmm excuse me Mr Weather Forecaster, but what happened to today's much vaunted heatwave, all I see from my window is rain?

Lifespans

Lifespans are relative, whether they are "short" or "long" is dependent on the observer's perspective.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"A generous serving in every pack."

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Apologies for the inconvenience caused to your lifestyle and daily routines by the fact that we have guests coming and going at the moment.

Advice To Our Neighbours' Cat

Please stop jumping into our lightwell, you know that you cannot get out once you are down there!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Fear not, the nice man from Sainsburys' will soon be here with your food delivery.

Train Companies Maintain 100% Punctuality

Kudos to the train companies for maintaining their 100% punctuality record for delivering inflation busting price increases.

Well done lads, keep it up!

Advice To My Neighbours' Cat

It is better to jump over our fence when you want to visit our cat, rather than punching a hole in it with your head!

Apologies To My Cat

Sorry, we forgot to celebrate World Cat Day on 8 August.

Talking Heads

Beware self appointed talking heads who claim to be experts on a specific topic. Invariably they are not experts and more often than not use their five seconds of fame to manipulate the narrative for their own ends.

It's A Wonderful Day For Pie

Comeback Sunshine

Come on sunshine, it's still early August you're not giving up on summer already are you?

Energy Drinks

Why do people who drink energy drinks rarely have the energy to put the empty cans in the bin?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

My early morning cat breakfast feeding time call is not scheduled for 4:00AM!

Question For Microsoft Re Windows 8

What the fark were you thinking?

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You do not eat curry!

Plans

The enemy always has a say in your plans!

My Thanks To My Cat

Thank you for warming my office chair on this rather chilly July morning!

White Jacket

Right then, where's my white jacket gone???

Advice To The Archbishop of Canterbury

Before smiting money lenders, make sure that you dispose of your shareholdings in them!

Advice To The Teddy Bear Cat

You are welcome to come and call for Rosie, but please do so less noisily.

Civilisation

Civilisation is a state of mind that exists between the ears.

Woman Has Baby!

Hold the front pages!

Out of The Box Thinking

Get rid of the box!

Weather Forecast

Today I will be drinking mainly Red Stripe.

Syrup

It is inadvisable to smear syrup onto the TV remote control.

Opinions

Opinions are great, so long as I agree with them!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Sainsbury's will deliver your food within the hour!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Crustacean

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Bank statements are not cat bedding for sleeping on or scratching.

Where's The Sun?

Where's the sun gone, and what happened to the fortnight long heatwave that we were promised by the weather "forecasters"?

Watches

Don't let your watch tell you the time, ie don't let it control your life; you should be telling it the time!

Dead Fish

Dead fish follow the tides.

Happy Monday!

Happy Bikini Day

Seemingly today is Bikini Day (the bikini was invented on this day in 1946) and, according to the spam in my inbox, I need to get myself into "bikini body shape" for the summer.

Well then!

Happy Independence Day

Happy Independence Day to my American friends:

"We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness."

Today's Sentiment

Advice To Dell

"Live" online chat with your sales team means "live", not a blank screen making me wait an interminable length of time for someone to respond!

Plea To Microsoft

Please bring back Hotmail, Outlook is a disaster!

Huzzah It's Friday!

Question For My Cat

You can't read Swedish, therefore why are you sitting on Stadsholmens magazine?

Today's Cat Races Have Been Cancelled

Sunshine?

Sunshine?

In June?

In the UK?

During Wimbledon?

Surely not?

The British Summer

In the absence of any credible weather forecast one way or another, and based on the mixed signals from the mixture of cloud and sun this morning, I have hedged my bets and am wearing black (winter appropriate) jeans accompanied by a Hawaiian style T-shirt.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Why can't you learn to use the vacuum cleaner like this cat?

Glad Midsommarafton

RIP James Gandolfini

Advice To Self

Never attempt to trim one's eyebrows with an electric razor whilst hungover.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You should not spend the summer days idling your life away sleeping in our duvet!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

"Discombooberated"

Microsoft Outlook

So we are agreed then, Microsoft Outlook is a complete and utter clusterfuck!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

"Nincompoopery"

Meetings

It is inadvisable for participants in a planned meeting to try to wrong foot each other before the meeting has actually been confirmed.

Irony

How ironic that a country that feels it is wrong (both constitutionally and ethically) to monitor the communications of its own citizens, and indeed loudly proclaims that fact in defence of its cyber monitoring policy, feels that it is perfectly acceptable to monitor the communications of everyone else on the planet.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The vet who used the thermometer on you this morning was doing so in your best interests.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I appreciate that furballs need to be brought up, but please do not bring them up on our freshly cleaned Chinese rug!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Paper bags are for carrying things, not for sleeping on.

Question For Three

What is the point of a mobile phone service if the connection to the network drops whenever I try to use the phone in certain rooms of my house?

Advice To Self

Don't eat gravy when wearing white trousers.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The vacuum cleaner is not a WMD!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Plenipotentiary

Character

A person's true character is best revealed by their actions when he/she is asked for help by someone who cannot possibly ever return the favour.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Don't stand on your tail when you are sitting down, it can't be very comfortable.

The Joy of Flying

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"Your call is important to us".

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

"Mummy's" suitcase is not a cat bed.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

The touch sensitive talking alarm clock/thermometer in the spare bedroom is for human use, not for pussycat use at 4:00AM!

Professionals

There are good, efficient, knowledgeable professionals and incompetent, useless "professionals".

Choose your "professional" wisely!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

I really shouldn't have to lift you to your food bowl in order to tempt you to eat, you do have legs and can perfectly well walk to it!

The Benefits of Wall Staring

I commend that psychological benefits of wall staring.

A Pox Upon Microsoft Downloads

My thanks to Microsoft for downloading a "service pack" into my pc yesterday that took 30 minutes for my pc to configure, before it would allow me to use it; and then slowing the pc down for another hour whilst other downloads were assimilated.

Advice To Dishonest Businessmen

In the short term your scams, con tricks and dishonesty may well give you some short term gains. However, in the long term these lies and scams will avail you of nothing; you will end up penniless and friendless.

A Wise Owl

A wise owl said to me yesterday:

"Being ashamed is far better than being shameful".

He is a wise owl indeed!

Advice To Apprentice Candidates

To experience true "blue sky thinking", open a window and throw yourselves out of it.

The Danger of Sandals

Sandals are unsatisfactory footwear, they signify undisciplined thinking and louche behaviour.

Advice To Apprentice Candidates

Try sprinkling less cocaine on your cornflakes in the morning; that way you will have a more balanced and realistic perception of yourselves, your skills, your personalities and how you interact with others around you.

Worried? - Don't Be!

Sunshine

Sunshine over the bank holiday weekend, who would have thought it?

Advice To Mr Muscle

Put your drain unblocking product into a bottle that can actually be opened by a human being!

Sunshine

Sunshine again?

Could it be that we are finally seeing the stirrings of summer?

It's Sausage Time!

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We value our customers and have listened to their opinions."

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Please do not sleep on the TV remote control when I am trying to watch TV.