Happy New Year

I would like to wish you all a very happy, peaceful and prosperous 2009.

Wasting Time

Beware wasting time in your youth, as time will most surely waste you in your latter years.

Season's Greetings

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!

Politicians

Politicians are like mirrors, they try to reflect what they believe the voters want to see. However, just like mirrors, they have no depth.

Mirrors

Mirrors may provide the user with a reflection of how they think they are. However, be aware that mirrors provide no depth.

Advice To Sainsburys

Your help desk is meant to be there to help your customers, it is not meant to be run for the convenience of the staff of the help desk.

Advice To Restaurants

Wipe the dust off your dinner plates before placing them in front of your diners.

Advice To Restaurants

Ensure that you have a cloakroom or at least an adequate number of coat hooks; making customers hang their coats over the backs of their chairs is rude, unsightly and dangerous.

Financial Waves

Those investors (both private and "professional") and bankers who think that they are riding an investment wave should beware, lest the wave turns out to be a bubble.

Advice To Chez Gerard

Given that you claim to offer cocktails, it would be wise to have a sufficient supply of limes with which to make them.

Great Con Tricks of the 21st Century

PPI.

defective

Why say defective when you mean broken?

Bans

Banning things, such as fags, merely makes them more tempting.

Currencies

Currencies are like water, they should be allowed to find their own level.

A Suggestion For The Detroit Car Industry

Before rushing to Washington with your begging bowls for a taxpayer financed bailout, try designing and building a quality car that doesn't waste so many resources that people will actually want to buy (eg a practical electric car).

I am sure that you are well capable of that, if pushed.

Advice To The Police

When raiding MPs' offices, use a search warrant.

Utility Tariffs

Why are utility tariffs so complex?

Could it be that the utility companies don't want their customers to understand how much they are being ripped off?

Advice To Furniture and Domestic Appliance Delivery Companies

Don't use members of staff who have recently suffered a hernia.

Advice To Appliance Retailers

Not everyone wants their appliances (eg fridge) located on the ground floor, insuring yourself only for ground floor delivery is not helpful.

The Complete Guide To Corporate Bullshit

"I'm sorry we can't do that."

Translated:

"We choose not to do that."

Listening

One should always listen with both one's left ear and the right ear.

Question To Alistair Darling

Given the fact that stores are already offering 20% discounts, in an attempt to lure back customers, why to you think a 2.5% reduction in VAT will kick start the economy?

A Question for Hank Paulson

Why was Citigroup worth saving, but Lehman Brothers not?

Recessions

Recessions come and go, much like the seasons.

Governments who try to persuade the electorate that they can spend their way out of a recession are deluding both themselves, and the electorate.

Advice To Myself

When pouring a glass of juice, aim for the glass not the table.

Quiting Whilst You Are Ahead

Kudos to John Sergeant (a shrewd political commentator) who knew when to quit whilst he was still ahead.

Question To Southern Railway

What were you thinking when you only provided four carriages for the 17:49 Brighton to Victoria service on 14 November?

Advice To George Osborne

A falling pound is nothing to fear.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Enjoy your temporary self delusion of bestriding the financial world like a colossus.

Your ten minutes of fame are purely down to the lack of direction and leadership coming for the dying administration in Washington.

Come January 20th 2009 things will change, and you will become a supporting actor once more.

Advice To Those Who Advocate Military Adventures in Afghanistan

Avoid all military ventures in Afghanistan, the people there are content with chaos, disorder, blood and tribal rivalry. However, they hate being ruled by a third party or puppet regime/democracy imposed upon them by a third party.

Advice To First Capital Connect

Instead of making your customers freeze on the platform whilst your staff get ready to start your train, why not open the doors and allow the customers to come into the warmth?

Advice To Mankind

Obama is not president of the world, nor is he the messiah.

Advice To The Tory Party

Stop trying to emulate Nu Labour, people want less government not more.

Advice To Doorstep Callers

Don't smile so inanely, it doesn't help your sales pitch.

Advice To Media Companies

Communicate with your customers first, before you shut off their phone line because of incorrect information and invalid assumptions.

America

The election of Obama and the dignified concession speech from McCain (disregarding the boos from some of the audience) means that America has now reclaimed its honour in the eyes of the world.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"24/7 coverage with a one hour response time"

Advice To Waitresses

No matter how slim and attractive you think that you are, it is unwise to wear a top that is so small that it exposes your midriff when you stretch to serve.

It really is not attractive.

One Year Free Service on Boilers

What is the point of a one year free service guarantee on a boiler, if the service centre does not operate during weekends/holidays and it takes at least three working days to book an engineer?

Advice To Gordon Brown

Hiring Mandelson to handle the ongoing story about the credit crunch etc has merely made Mandelson "the story".

Great Lies of The 21st Century

Broadband download speeds as claimed by ISP's.

Neo Cons

The US neo conservatives failure to understand that America cannot ride roughshod over other countries, without some form of co-operation from others, has destroyed America's ability influence others and wrecked the economy (at the very time that they need all the money they can get to ride out the recession).

The neo conservatives insistence on following their rigid "quasi religious" dogma and pursuing assertive foreign policy interventions in other countries, over the period of the Bush presidency, has done more damage to the reputation, influence and economy of the United States than any third party, terrorist or hostile government could ever have done.

Bush's Failure

The fundamental failure of the Bush Presidency was allowing Cheney to act as President.

Owning a Home

Owning a home is a privilege, not a right.

Religion

If religion is such a good thing, why have so many millions of people died because of it?

Questions For The Republicans

Why do certain Republicans spread the lie the Obama might be a Muslim?

Are you saying that a Muslim should never aspire to be President, and that it would be wrong for a Muslim to be President?

Is not America a land of equal opportunities for all, irrespective of class, race, sex and religion?

Advice To The Twonk Who Threw Up on The London To Brighton Train Last Night

1 Drink less if you can't handle your drink

2 Apologising then running off is lame, clean up your mess

3 The train had toilets, use them next time

4 Grow up

Advice To Prime Ministers

Keynesian "spend your way out of recession" policies only work when you have the money to spend.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Don't take credit for financial bailout plans that have been thought up, and put together, by your chancellor.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"It will take you just minutes to set up your wireless network".

Government

When the government says that it is not in the business of running banks, rest assured that it will not give up its newly acquired stakes without a fight.

Advice To Waiters

Write the customer's order down, don't try to remember it in a pathetic attempt to show off.

Advice To McCain

Using old style racist terms*, to describe your opponent, is scummy even by your standards.

*"The other one" is an old style term of racial abuse once used in Florida.

Advice To Governments of Small Countries

Don't give guarantees that you cannot hope to honour.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Bringing back a twice resigned minister who hates you does not send a positive message to the country about the state of the nation, cabinet or your own self confidence in being able to do your job.

Advice To Sarah Palin

Education is a good thing, looking down your nose at people who are better educated and more knowledgeable than you makes you come across as a small town hick with chip on your shoulder.

Trying to be "cute" doesn't disguise that.

Hardly VP material!

Advice To Congress

Now that your electorate has realised that falling shares and collapsing banks impact Main Street, don't drop the ball again on your second vote today.

Hell on Earth

Moving two houses in the same week!

A Question To Congress

Re yesterday's failure to back the only plan on the table for stabilising the markets, are you people mad or just incredibly stupid?

Advice To McCain

Almost scuppering the financial bailout, by publicly pushing yourself into the decision making process does not make you a statesman.

Advice To Tony Blair

Politics and religion are a toxic combination, as you should know by now, they should be kept well apart.

Advice To Spymasters

Don't blag about what you know about events/issues etc to open committees, as it drops your spies on the ground right in the shit.

Life and Money

Life is but a game, and money is the means of keeping score.

Advice To The Wasps That Tried to Swarm Our Picnic

Sod off!

Advice To Gordon Brown

J K Rolwing is a popular, good and highly profitable author, but she most certainly is not "one of the world's greatest ever authors".

Markets

Those who worry over the demise of various financial institutions (eg Lehman Brothers), the members of which once considered themselves the "Masters of The Universe", should not lose too much sleep.

Remember:

Markets go up, markets go down.

Nature will take its course, and equilibrium will be restored.

Intelligence

Intelligence does not always give rise to wisdom.

Advice To Western Diplomats, Western Leaders et al

Don't assume that just because things happen/happened in the West in a certain way, that they will happen in the same way in Asia Pacific.

Advice To A Certain Well Known Bank

Having screwed up the transfer of money from your bank to another bank, by not processing the transaction, it was extremely foolish of you to compound your mistake by then sending it to the wrong bank.

God

If God is exists, and is omnipotent, why does he need people to fight for him as those who lead us to war always claim?

Leadership By Example

Organisations where management lead by example tend to be well run.

Organisations where management opt for the "do as I say, not as I do" technique of management, fail.

Maps

Why is that the road/street that you are looking for is always in the fold of the map?

Republicans

They are good at dishing the dirt on the private family matters of their opponents, yet seem to be rather reluctant to take it.

Have they never heard the expression what goes around come around?

Advice To Alistair Darling

Don't waste your time combing your hair forward, we can all see you are going bald.

Obesity

You cannot, and should not, bully people to lose weight.

Advice To John McCain

When appointing a VP running mate it is advisable to have met him/her more than once.

Labour

It is a fact of life that all Labour administrations end in economic failure.

Spoilt Sections of The Democrats

There are certain sections of the Democrat party, die hard Clinton supporters, who cannot accept that their candidate did not win the nomination for presidential candidate.

They are now, much like spoiled children, stamping their feet and vowing revenge upon Obama and the party; they threaten to vote Republican on 5 November.

Are these people so spoiled, selfish and immature that they would wreck their own party's prospects of kicking the Republicans out of office; simply to make the point that they don't like the outcome of the nomination process?

The party would be better off without these people.

Advice To The Republican Party

You claim to love America, yet it would seem that large sections of your party hates/proactively dislikes many of the citizens of America (eg gays, lesbians, democrats, Muslims, non whites, Hispanics, non Christians, socialists, the unemployed, single parents, those who favour abortion, stem cell research supporters etc).

How can this contradiction be good for either the party, or the country?

You cannot hope, nor do you deserve, to retain political power whilst fostering and fermenting such hatred.

Great Con Tricks of The 21st Century

Customer "care" phone numbers that charge the customer premium rate.

How To Spot a Conman

Anyone who employs a valet, but has no discernible income or savings is clearly milking another cow not necessarily with the owner's consent.

Advice To Presidential Candidates

Count he number of houses that you own, and write the figure down of a piece of paper so that you don't forget.

Advice To A Certain Webhosting Company

If you don't want your name trashed on the web, I strongly suggest that you get my main site back up and working asap!

Woodworm Holes

Woodworm holes are not necessarily such a bad thing. The holes indicate that the worms have taken flight and departed.

Wood with no holes may in fact conceal far greater horrors.

Advice to Presidents

When you are telling Russia that it is "infra dig" to invade other countries in the 21st century, do remember that you did the same.

Unanswered Emails

Emails that remain unanswered fester like a pus filled scab.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Don't allow the meltdown in your party and infighting between the Treasury and Number 10 to cause a meltdown in the economy.

Relationships

Never take any lover for granted, always tell them how you feel for them.

Home Offices

Home offices only work when those who live in the home realise that they are a place of work, not idle chit chat.

Bullshit Phrases of the 21st Century

"We appreciate your concern..."

Advice To Estate Agents

Note down your client's mobile phone number if you expect to make that sale!

The British Summer

Complete bollocks!

Advice To Departing Presidents

Legacies are not built on end of term farewell world tours.

Stars

Stars, to achieve thier destiny in the heavens, must burn themselves out; so it is with some humans.

Forecasting

The secret of forecasting is to do it often!

Treachery

The secret to avoiding treachery, is to know the traitor before he knows himself.

Mistresses

Marrying your mistress automatically creates a vacancy.

Advice To Gordon Brown

In the name of God, go!

War

The objective of war is victory, not protracted and painful stalemate.

The Enemy Within

Local councils who spy on the local population.

Holidays

Those with the time to take a holiday haven't got enough to do.

Honey Traps

The best form of honey trap is one where the victim does not know that he/she has been "trapped".

Kickstarting Old Business Deals

Old business deals that have yet to be completed are like rotting fish, they should be discarded forever.

Stress Buster

Never underestimate the therapeutic and cathartic benefits of tying one round the tree every so often.

Advice To Hotel Designers

When designing the wardrobes for your guest rooms, please ensure that they are wide enough to accommodate the width of a jacket.

How To Spot a Conman

1 He lies

2 He makes exaggerated claims about knowing "senior/influential" people, yet he never names them

3 He makes exaggerated claims about progress being made wrt a business deal

4 He issues threatening emails when he does not get his own way

5 When the threatening emails have no effect, he then argues that they were misinterpreted

6 He avoids discussion of the fundamental issues wrt the deal or business decision, eg completion date, price etc

7 He blames others when things go wrong

8 He has an exaggerated opinion of his own self importance

Boils

Unresolved issues in business are much like boils, they should be lanced with the same vigour as boils on the body. Poisonous matter should not be allowed to fester and gather pus, even if there is a mess to clean up afterwards.

Bold moves

Bold moves and initiatives are best made in the heat of battle.

Listening

It is a sad fact of life that there are some managers and directors who do not listen to advice, even when it is clearly correct, and push on regardless.

The only way to handle characters such as these is to allow them to crash into the brick wall that they have been warned about, that is the only way that they will learn.

Advice To David Davis

Don't have an orgasm over your "victory", of course you won against Miss Great Britain et al.

Advice To Gordon Brown

Heathcliff you most certainly are not!

Fast Moving

Fast moving goods are meant to be exactly that, fast moving; they should not be sitting around in the warehouse for months gathering dust.

Companies and directors who do not grasp this fundamental truism will fail.

Pushing Grains of Sand

Businesses should avoid the trap of wasting time and money trying to make a non profit making enterprise succeed, if all it amounts to is continually trying to push a grain of sand up a hill.

The Sands of Time Run Out

As the sands of time run out on the current US Administration, the world can look forward to a brighter future.

The current Administration is truly lousy, bitter, divided and dangerous; one that the world will be glad to see the back of in January 2009!

Low Profile

Low profile does not always equate to high returns.

Religion

Why do some followers of religion insist on trying to ram their beliefs down others' throats?

Politics

Politics is a filthy business, it soils everyone who becomes involved with it.

Burning Candles At Both Ends

Absolutely bloody marvellous sometimes!

Text Messages

The invention of the devil.

Tinned Ham

Why does the contents of a tin of ham never look like the photo on the outside of the tin?

Playing With Fire

Sometimes the burn that you suffer from playing with fire is necessary in order to feel fully alive.

Belching News - Mugabe Takes Over EU

Mugabe takes over EU - See The Times

Advice To Labour Governments

Throwing money at a problem does not necessarily solve it, as the money is more often than not syphoned off by greedy consultants and foolish/inept administrators.

The End of Labour Governments

The end of Labour governments is always heralded by wave upon wave of strikes.

Advice To Amy Winehouse

Eat more food, take less drugs.

Advice To Retiring Presidents

Don't start another Middle East war in the dying days of your presidency.

Compromise

Leaders who claim to practice "leadership of compromise", don't understand leadership.

Memory

Memory is the last refuge of freedom.

Change

Change is a journey, not a destination.

Advice To Bradford and Bingley

Businesses that do not provide their directors with timely, accurate and reliable information fail.

Directors who don't recognise this are not fit to hold office.

Advice To Ex Presidential Candidates

"Suspending" your campaign, instead of "ending" it, smacks of denial and does your party no good in the forthcoming presidential election.

Lawyers

The legal profession has a reputation for complicating matters, with a view to justifying their existence and charging a higher fee.

It is not correct to tar all lawyers with the same brush, there are many who offer simple logical and reasonable solutions to seemingly intractable problems.

Advice To The Post Office

Your primary function in life is to deliver letters, not to provide excuses for non delivery of letters.

Advice To Weather Forecasters

Before presenting your forecast, look out of the window first.

Off Balance Sheet Loans

Not only do these mislead the shareholders, but they also mislead the directors of the company using them.

Advice To Estate Agents

Avoid using the word "delighted" in your sales pitch, it really is very naff.

Advice To Journalists

Remember to say thank you to your interviewee, you may want to talk to him/her again one day.

The Nature of Man

When push comes to shove the true nature of the individual, for good or bad, will reveal itself.

Those who know in advance the true nature of that individual, will know what to expect and how best to manage it.

Advice To The Prime Minister

People want to be in control of their own lives, they do not want a control freak trying to impose centralised control.

Unless you get that point, and stop trying to micro manage people's daily lives, you and your party are finished.

Bank Holidays

Cometh the bank holiday, cometh the rain.

Rationalisations

Rationalisations are the lies that we tell ourselves in order to make us feel better about ourselves.

Foam

Beware foam on your food...stick to gravy!

Advice To Prime Ministers

Playing the "class war" card in by-elections is unwise given that many ministers own more than one home, and the ex Prime Minister has just spent £4M on a property.

Human Rights

The human rights of the victim outweigh the human rights of the criminal.

The Future

Those who are afraid of exploring the future, and cling to the past, will be forever consigned to the dustbin of history.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Bribing the voters with their own money might, in the short term, dig you out of a political hole. However, in the long term, the voters will take their revenge on you in the polls.

Sod's Law

It is the law of sod that as soon as I wear my white jacket, it rains!

Advice To Ex Prime Minister's Wives

When publishing lurid accounts of your husband's time in office, try to refrain from using words such as "unmentionables" and "contraceptive equipment" when detailing your sex life.

Inequality

It is not the primary role of government to reduce inequality. The primary role of government should be to promote opportunity, in order to stimulate growth and achievement by all members of society.

Gaffes

A gaffe is when you tell people what you really think.

Economic Reality

Sometimes directors are prone to ignore economic reality, and play ostrich with their heads in the sand, as they continue to pursue an economically ruinous path for their companies.

These directors must be treated in the same way as an addict, who refuses to admit that he/she is addicted; as such an intervention must must arranged by shareholders/fellow directors, in order to confront them with the reality of their situation.

Post Offices

Contrary to the "populist" campaign being propagated by some, post offices are not part of the social services or day care/social centres.

Advice To Democrat Voters

When deciding as to which of the presidential candidates is elitist, ask yourselves these questions:

- Which candidate was brought up by his father living on food stamps, and which candidate has spent most of her adult life in the White House and the governor's mansion?

- Which candidate is still paying off his student loan, and which candidate declared a joint income with her husband last year of over $100M?

Backchannels

Backchannels build bridges.

Financial Surprises

Accountants don't like financial surprises.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We are committed to customer care".

Money

Money does "funny" things to people.

Advice To Bush

Had you started your presidency as you are now ending it, by showing some pragmatism wrt diplomacy ands listening to sensible advice, you would be ending your presidency as you began it (ie with pride and confidence about the future).

Dignity

Whilst it is sometimes possible to arrange to die with dignity, it is not always possible to live with dignity.

Crowns

A crown is more glorious to those who see it, than those who wear it.

Advice To Government Logo Designers

Don't give up your day job.

Sign Posts

Better to be a sign post than a weather cock.

Gordon Brown take note!

Feet of Lead

When in haste walk with feet of lead, in case you stumble.

Heroes and Tyrants

In the age of heroes and tyrants, the true heroes are the ordinary people who get on with their lives in spite of all that happens around them.

Whistleblowers

Whistleblowers tend to try to whistle to their own tune.

Advice To US Presidential Candidates

Stop fighting the Vietnam war.

Disengaged Directors

Directors who absent themselves (either physically and mentally), on a regular basis, from the decision making process of the board have no right to hold office.

Political Nukes

Ex politicians and diplomats, who rant and rave on the sidelines at the policies pursued by their replacements, should remember that once they have lobbed thier "political nuke" they have nothing else to use.

Knowledge

Knowledge is only of value if you have the courage to use it.

Turnover vs Profit

Turnover is vanity, profit is sanity.

Advice To Presidential Candidates

Don't insult or patronise your potential voters, before they have cast their vote.

Advice To US Presidential Candidates

Learn the difference between Sunnis and Shias.

Salvation

Save us from those who try to save us, they invariably cause more damage and harm by their "well intentioned" actions.

Advice To Prime Ministers

People cannot pay their bills using economic/growth statistics from the past.

Boycotts

Those who advocate boycotts should first stop buying the products of those countries/organisations that they want to boycott.

Power

The strong do not need power, the weak are corrupted by it.

Advice To Generals

Don't answer hypothetical questions about nuclear war in open session.

Advice To Former Prime Ministers

Don't bring religion into politics.

Advice To Hillary Clinton

Pay your debts, especially those owed to small traders who have provided you with offices and catering during your ongoing campaign.

Treating the small trader in the high handed manner that you have been doing, will come back to bite you.

Bravado

Those who display excessive bravado and indulge in machismo posturing are often the most fearful and weak.

Hearing vs Listening

People often hear, but rarely listen.

Pragmatism

Pragmatism needs goals.

Advice To Democrat Presidential Candidates II

Don't lie or "exaggerate" about your role in past peace processes or conflicts, these "exaggerations" will come back to bite you in the arse.

Question For The Democrat Party

Given that the two perspective Democrat presidential candidates are intent on tearing themselves apart, and splitting the party in two, it is clear that the Democrats have all but lost the presidential election before it has even been run.

Why does the Democrat party bother to involve itself in politics, given that it clearly has no wish to win?

Politicians

Beware the politician who says that a policy/idea will "never" be implemented. He/she actually means that it will be implemented at the earliest opportunity.

Quality

Some things are best not done if you feel you won't do them that well.

Advice To Recruitment Consultants

Avoid candidates who claim that they give 110% of themselves:

1 This is impossible, and demonstrates that they are either lying or stupid

2 People like this are obnoxious and arrogant; they do not fit in well in organisations

A Straw in The Wind

Beware a straw in the wind, as it often indicates a large haystack heading your way.

Advice To Democrat Presidential Candidates

Tearing your party apart in order to win the nomination will avail yoursleves of nothing, aside from earning the contempt of your party, if that allows McCain to enther the Whitehouse by the back door.

Change

As things evolve and change something is lost, but something is gained; thus equilibrium is maintained.

Life

Humans should live life to the full, not merely survive.

Advice To Governors of New York

If you have tried to build your political career and reputation by taking credit for the prosecution of prostitution rings, don't get caught using hookers.

Minutes

Don't write minutes of meetings in a hurry, you will end up having to do twice as much work correcting the misunderstandings caused by inaccurate minutes.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Making do on only a few hours sleep every night, and forcing others to do the same, does not necessarily lead to an increase in high quality productive output.

Imagination

Imagination and the abstract affects the lives and destinies of people far more than it is given credit for.

Advice To 3G

Since you insist on basing your customer call centre offshore, at least have the wit to ensure that the connection is of sufficient quality to ensure that the customer and call centre operative can hear what each other is saying.

Faith and Violence

Violence should not be used to inspire faith.

If

Some questions starting with "if" are best left unanswered.

Wise Guys

More often than not "wise guys" are in fact only half "wise".

Mosquitos

Don't shoot mosquitos with elephant guns.

Big Cheeses

Those who harbour ambitions to rise to the top of a company or organisation, and become the "big cheese", should always bear in mind that big cheeses often smell.

The Right Role

It is self evident that if you are in a role or company that you are not right/comfortable with, it will manifest itself unpleasantly in other aspects of your life and health.

Letters

Letters and emails written by committee are ineffective, as they lose their meaning and impact.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We can do it, therefore we should do it."

Death

Death is the necessary price that we pay for change and progress.

Advice To Prime Ministers

Get some sleep!

Advice To Politicians

Saying that you keep healthy on the campaign trail by washing your hands regularly, in sanitised handwash, and eating peppers makes you sound very odd indeed.

Great Lies of The 21st Century

"We apologise for any upset or inconvenience this decision may cause you."

Summits

Summits are a process, they need to be worked at on all levels over a period of time and followed up; they are not a one stop photo opportunity.

Eisbeins

It is unwise to eat a large eisbein only a few hours before flying.

Great Con Tricks of The 21st Century

Tautening gel - this product, in the short term, may tighten the skin to produce the impression of "youth". However, once its effects have worn off the skin becomes even looser and more saggy.

Surviving

Surviving is not enough!

Self Interest

Beware the phrase "we are only acting in your interests", the people who use it most certainly are only acting in their own interests.

Spies

Spies should not be feared, they keep the peace.

Enough

Enough can sometimes be too little.

Letting Off Steam

People, much like kettles and steam engines, need to let off steam once in a while. Failure to do so can lead to catastrophic results.

Great Con Tricks of The 21st Century

Developers and local councils would have us believe that shopping centres (malls) create jobs and prosperity.

They don't!

They suck the life out of the community, and destroy local shops and businesses.

Advice To Mobile Phone Users

Turn them off when you are busy.

Man should be the master of technology, not technology the master of man.

Inboxes

A watched inbox never pings.

Politicians

Politicians may well wage war, but they would do well to remember that it is their armed forces that actually fight the battles.

Advice To Blogger

Answer your customer help enquiries and keep your status page up to date.

Anger

Don't let anger fester, it is important to find a means of releasing it (without damage to people or property) before health and relationships suffer.

Anxiety

Feeling stressed, anxious or nervous?

Throw away your pills, and tip out that glass of vodka.

The simple solution to anxiety, that is non addictive and free, is to smell the sweat in your own armpits.

The scientists who have discovered this little oddity have no idea why it works.

Deep breaths everyone!

Aggressive Behaviour

Aggressive behaviour is neither heroic or brave.

Another Bite of The Cherry

Beware having another bite of the cherry, you may swallow the stone.

Good Resolutions

Good resolutions are often made too late.

Blogging

Don't blog when pissed.

Relationships

Relationships are like cheese, they improve with age.

Stock Markets

Stock markets ebb and flow like the tide. Those who "swim" in them and panic, when the tide turns, will drown.

Scum

When cooking a stew, the scum always rises to the surface.

Discussions

The most important parts of a discussion are often those that are misinterpreted or forgotten.

Bad Blood

Launching a business based on contract negotiations that are floated on a sea of bad blood is unwise, the fallout will come back to bite the company/individual in the future.

The State

The state will always betray the individual.

Trust

Never trust and individual or organisation that refuses to meet face to face to negotiate a deal.

The Primary Rule of Combat

Never lose contact with your enemy, whether you are involved in a military campaign or in business.

Loyalty

As banks and credit card companies screw their long term customers over, with seeming impunity, they should remember that loyalty is not a one way street.

Incompetence

Incompetent businessmen and organisations can be as ruinous and dangerous as dishonest ones.

Arrogance

Arrogance should only be tolerated if it is matched by an equal measure of competence honesty and integrity.

Problems

When a problem arises, such as a disagreement with another party over the proposed terms of a contract, always ensure that the problem becomes theirs not yours.

Crisis Management

Lock your brightest staff and advisers in a room, and kick them up their backsides until they have come up with a plan that can resolve the crisis.

Diplomats

An undiplomatic diplomat is not fit for purpose.

Piss Ups In Breweries

Before entering into a business relationship or contract with a third party, always ask yourselves if that third party could organise a piss up in a brewery.

God

Were God really to exist, why would he feel the need to be worshipped?

Religion

Some religious people insist on trying to convince others of the righteousness of their religion.

Could it be that they are in fact trying to convince themselves?

Advice To Presidents

Follow the "Prime Directive" from Star Trek, and stop interfering in the affairs and cultures of others.

New Year's Resolutions

Don't bother making any New Year's resolutions, you will never keep them.