Happy New Year!

A peaceful and happy New Year to everyone!

Belief

Belief is the antithesis of reason and logic.

Merry Christmas

A Merry Christmas and Happy and Peaceful New Year to you all!

Facebook Friends

Just because you are "friends" with people on Facebook, it doesn't mean that they are not psychopaths.

Advice To Southern Trains

People do travel over Christmas you know, the country doesn't grind to a shuddering halt just because you can't be arsed to run a decent service over the Christmas period!

Trousers

Trousers never lie!

Have a Renewing Day!

Today's Word

Today's word is:

Parsimonious

Cat Constipation

A watched cat never poops!

Global Contingency Planning

The world needs to start planning now for the possibility that the USA might elect an utter doofus as President next year.

When Those About You Lose Their Heads

Keep It Solid!

Christmas

Christmas is for wants not needs!

Thoughts of Wisdom

Sadly my thoughts of wisdom for today have been interrupted by the delivery of my Christmas vodka supplies.

The Ultimate Power Drink

Avocado, celery, parsley, watercress, spinach, garlic, tomato, ginger and water when all blended together make a most efficacious breakfast drink!

Truth

Let truth be your guiding star.

Mild For The Time of Year?

Regarding last night's cheery Channel 4 weather forecaster who informed us all that it will be "mild for the time of year", may I suggest that he pops down to the South coast and has a wee walk along the seafront?

Green Drinks

Healthy superfood green vegetable and herb blended drinks are an excellent start to the day, wrt vitamins and fibre.

Unfortunately they have an annoying habit of leaving unsightly green bits stuck in your teeth, and a less than healthy green stain around the lips!

Black Monday

It is now Monday, yet the phrase "Black Friday" is still being used ad nauseam on both social media and in mainstream advertising.

FFS, when will it ever end??

Bollocks To Black Friday

Happy Thanksgiving

A happy and peaceful Thanksgiving to my American friends.

Taking Offence

Those people who take offence on a regular basis at the slightest little thing, would do well to avoid reading books/newspapers, watching TV, listening to the radio, using the internet or indeed interacting with other human beings.

Advice To NATO Members

Don't shoot down Russian fighter planes engaged in bombing ISIS.

We are, allegedly, on the same side in the fight against ISIS!

Lockdowns

Lockdowns can be effective, if you manage to arrest the person(s) that has/have necessitated the lockdown. However, in the event that he/she/they evade you how do you climb down from a lockdown?

Advice To Businesses

Do not be quick to spend money you haven't got, in order to resolve someone else's fuck up!

Happy Beaujolais Nouveau Day!

à votre santé

Corned Beef

Corned beef is a most excellent staple to have in your cupboard, not only does it make excellent sandwiches it also serves well in a hash or equivalent!

Regime Change

Not one of the USA's most successful foreign policy initiatives.

Maybe the US should take a leaf out of the Federation's book, and adopt a policy of non interference?

Advice To Customers and Suppliers

It helps if you don't dick each other around, and are upfront at the beginning of a business relationship.

Happy Friday The 13th!

Leaf Blowers

Leaf blowers are without a doubt one of mankind's least useful inventions.

Not only are they noisy, but instead of sucking up leaves they blow them hither and thither; thus moving the problem from one place to another!

Armistice Day

War and Forgiveness

The cycle of war and bloodshed can only end when there is forgiveness.

Question For Andrex

What on earth do I need vitamin E enriched toilet paper for?

I am not going to eat it!

Remembrance Sunday

They shall grow not old, as we that are left grow old.

Art and Pain

Only true art is born out of pain.

How do we know this?

"Pain" is part of "painting"!

Domestic Building Projects

When embarking on domestic building projects, in order to avoid absolute chaos (financially and physically), always ensure that they are carried out in bite size portions rather than a shock and awe one off mega project!

Advice To Chefs

Portions are meant to be sufficient in quantity to be classified as a meal, and not be so small that they can only be classified as a "sample".

What Lurks Behind the Kitchen Unit?

Beware pulling out kitchen units, in order to access pipes, all manner of hidden long forgotten horrors are lurking there!

Monday

It's Monday, have it large!

Chili Eating

When eating chili it is advisable to try to aim for the mouth, rather than splatter it in your hair.

Domestic Building Projects

Beware mission creep!

Tactics and Strategy

To employ tactics without strategy is a policy doomed to fail.

Advice For Power and Water Cuts

When your power and water are cut off temporarily, and you can't use the computer or make a cup of tea, go for a walk.

Sod's Law

The phone will always ring, or the door will always knock when you are in the bathroom.

Friday

It being Friday, you now have my permission to start drinking.

Never A Truer Saying

“What goes around, comes around”

Happy Trafalgar Day

Chips

It's always fun finding a selection of last night's takeaway chips secreted within and under the sofa the next morning.

Monday Mornings

What better way to start your week than to sleep through Monday and start the week on Tuesday?

The Customer Is Always Right

The maxim of "the customer is always right" is indeed valid when running a business. However, sometimes the following caveat applies:

"The customer can be an indecisive, time wasting moron"

Lost Battles

When the battle is lost, regroup and move on lest you lose the war by continuing to fight the lost battle.

Enforced Regime Change

So how's that been working out then?

The world feels so much "safer" and more "stable" since it has become de facto foreign policy of certain countries to destabilise others, in the hope of "encouraging" regime change.

NOT!

Waste Not, Want Not

Waste not, want not or so the old saying goes.

However, that is not always applicable.

The other day I found a half consumed can of lager in the street, and duly saved it. However, today I really don't want to drink it!

Changing The World

Shouting at the world will not change it.

Advice To Firefox

Fix your product!

Advice To Cold Callers

FUCK OFF!

Conundrum

Q: When is a terrorist not a terrorist?

A: When he is a third party asset.

A Closed Mind

Only a closed mind is certain.

Tired Old Camels

Tired old camels really don't appreciate extra straws being placed upon them.

Those who have luxuriated in positions of power and authority over the years might want to bear this in mind when they place extra burdens upon their subservients.

Regime Change

How much the safer the world is now that Muammar Gaddafi and Sadam Hussein are dead, and that Bashar al-Assad's regime has been destabilised by outside agencies.

What?

You mean it isn't safer, but is in fact more dangerous?

How could that be??

Friendship

May the enemies of one's friends die screaming!

London Jobs

London jobs for London people.

Now there's a challenge!

Money Saving Tip

Save money by not spending any.

Love vs Hate

It is mooted many that love and hate are two sides of the same coin.

This is not true, it is easy to hate someone because it requires no effort or risk and is a default setting for many humans when confronted with a disagreement or clash of views. However, it takes courage to love someone because it is a leap of faith in the future.

Failure

Failure has its own reward, as Martin Winterkorn can attest to!

Don't Worry

Don't worry about what people think of you, just treat people with kindness and decency.

Advice To Environmentally Concerned Car Drivers

Don't buy diesel! 

Get Over Yourselves

Those of you who whinge when they see something that "offends" them on twitter, facebook or other social media should get over yourselves, ignore it and get on with your life.

Advice To Aspiring Politicians

Don't allow yourself to be photographed putting your private parts into dead animals.

Cat Videos

Having just watched a video of a cat sniffing a snail, my day is now complete!

Ups and Downs

Ups and downs add flavour to life.

Cold Calling

Nancy of "online support", your unsolicited phone calls are not welcome.

Kindly go away!

Battle of Britain Day

On this day 75 years ago, the Luftwaffe launched its largest and most concentrated attack against London in the hope of drawing out the RAF into a battle of annihilation.

Around 1,500 aircraft took part in the air battles which lasted until dusk. The action was the climax of the Battle of Britain. RAF Fighter Command defeated the German raids.

The Luftwaffe formations were dispersed by a large cloud base and failed to inflict severe damage on the city of London. In the aftermath of the raid, Hitler postponed Operation Sea Lion.

Today's Weather

I pronounce today's weather to be absolute bollocks!

Happy Monday to you all!

Toenail Trimming

Never trim your toenails when pissed!

You're Nuts!

Most people are nuts.

However, many try to disguise that fact by trying to make others feel as though they are the only ones who are nuts.

Raise a Glass To The Queen

Today the Queen becomes Britain's longest serving monarch.

The Queen will have reigned for 63 years and seven months - calculated at 23,226 days, 16 hours and approximately 30 minutes at about 17:30 BST today.

Cheers Your Majesty!

Advice To Microsoft

Just because you have downloaded updates to Windows 10, it is impolite of you to restart my computer without asking my permission first!

Advice To Firefox

FFS sort out your script problems!

Sleepers

Beware the sleepers buried in the midst of a crowd.

The Law of Sod

It is the law of sod that just as you need to make an urgent edit to your website, both your computer and the hosting company server decide to run extremely slow or freeze completely.

Toothpaste Adverts

Toothpaste adverts lose what little credibility they have, by having people smile inanely and gormlessly in them.

Stress Advice

When stressed look at pictures of cats doing soppy things.

Bank Holiday Weather Prediction

Rain and associated shit!

Blunt Knives

A blunt knife can cut deeper than a sharp one.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Breakfast service does not commence before 7:00AM!

Unfulfilled Dreams

Don't let yesterday's unfulfilled dreams become today's depression!

Advice To Countries

It's not always about your country!

Advice To Idiots

Throwing your toys out of your prams does not help you resolve whatever it is you are whinging about.

Advice To The DWP

Stop scamming us!

Advice To Dell

Compare your website claimed delivery time to that on your order tracking information.

Then decide whether your website of your order tracking information is misleading, and take the appropriate remedial action!

Consumer Advice

Quick, perfect, cheap. pic.twitter.com/P4RT47U7V6

— Andrew Brooks (@taxbod) August 17, 2015

A Good Night Out

When you can't remember paying the bill, then you know you had a good night out!

Adlertag

The Battle of Britain began 75 years ago today.

Where's Summer Gone?

Can someone please tell me where the fark summer has gone?

I am wearing my summer kit to no avail at the moment!

Lawyers

When hiring a dog, don't do the barking yourself.

The same applies to using lawyers, wrt ignoring their advice!

Happy Tube Strike Day

Happy tube strike day everyone!

Advice To Dishonest Businessmen and Rigged Arbitration Hearings

Those who think that they have shafted us, be aware there will be a reckoning!

Today's Word

Moron

Monday

- Computer responding at a snail's pace?

- Wifi shite and repeatedly dropping?

- Websites taking ages to load?

Then it must be a Monday!

Small Pots

Small pots can have big ears!

The Channel Tunnel

Shut the farking tunnel until the French have regained control of Calais!

The Channel Tunnel

Until the chaos on the French side of the Channel Tunnel in Calais is sorted out, it should be closed and losses incurred by British business be billed to the French authorities!

Vacuum Cleaners

The noisiest vacuum cleaners are not always the suckiest!

Courage

Courage is something that you don't know you have until you are tested. Then you can never be sure that you will have it in the future, when you are tested again.

The Failure of WiFi

WiFi has failed to meet expectations, a service that repeatedly drops connection because of atmospherics and interference from other networks is fark all use to man and beast!

Bowels

Always keep your bowels well hydrated!

How To Look Good In Photos

- Stomach in

- Chest out

- Don't slouch 

- Remove any extraneous cabbage leaves from your teeth!

Jonahs

Never have a Jonah on a ship, aircraft or in a small business.

Advice To My Computer

You are here for my benefit, not yours.

Hotmail

A pox upon Hotmail's slowness and clunkiness!

Thinking vs Knowing

Thinking you know something is not the same thing as knowing something for sure.

Advice To The Greeks

Get out of the Eurozone for your own good!

The British Summer

Summer 2015 appears to be turning into a damp squib (although I would say "squid" seems more appropriate!).

Bananas

Set yourself up for the day ahead with a banana.

Networking

Get the most out of networking events, by having a few stiff vodkas beforehand!

The British Summer

The British summer is temporarily in abeyance.

Please stand by!

Advice To Juncker

Don't send SMS's (especially to Tsipras) when you are drunk!

Belief

Believing something is not the same as knowing something!

Facebook and IE

I suggest that the technical departments of Facebook and IE liaise with each other, because there is an issue wrt posting comments on FB when using IE.

In the meantime switching to Chrome resolves the issues!

Populism and Democracy

Populism is not the same as democracy and, more often than not, erodes democracy.

Hot Weather

During hot weather always ensure that you have sufficient vodka to hand.

Mutually Assured Destruction

Theoretically the doctrine MAD, be it financial or military, can act as a deterrent. However, the problem lies in the fact that the concept includes the words "mutually" and "destruction".

These two words come front and centre when someone actually presses the button.

Advice To Holidaymakers Heading To Greece

Take bucket loads of cash!

Network Printer

How come it took me two hours to connect my new printer to my pc yesterday?

Two hours of my life I will never get back!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

Maybe if you ate your breakfast a little more slowly, you wouldn't have to need to throw it up ten seconds after consumption all over the kitchen floor?

Documents

When sending documents ahead of an important meeting, make sure you send the right ones!

Glad Midsommar

Happy Waterloo Day!

Two hundred years ago the Duke of Wellington defeated Napoleon, and saved Europe from dictatorship.

Advice To Tsipras

Calling the IMF "criminals" probably won't help secure extra money from them!

Wi-Fi

Will someone please develop a Wi-Fi system that doesn't fall over every time a neighbour turns their router on, and drop because of interference from other systems!

Question For The Manufacturers of Scented Toilet Tissue

Is one meant to smell your product before, or after, use?

Advice To Launderettes

Clean your lint traps often, lest they become a fire hazard!

Ongoing Advice To Our Cat and Visiting Cats

Please conduct your cat races up and down our wooden stairways during the daytime, not in the middle of the night!

Advice To Advertisers of Acid Reflux Potions

The word "new" is pronounced "new" not "noo".

Cats

Cats are put on earth the distract humans.

Credit Lines

A man's credit line outranks his cash holdings, in the eyes of the capitalist world, even if he ends up never paying back money borrowed on that credit line.

Advice To Septic Bladder

Resigning from FIFA won't save you from jail.

You had best take up residence in a country, one of your friends from your FIFA days, that doesn't have an extradition agreement with the USA

FIFA's Masterclass In Buck Passing

When passing the buck, always pass it to a dead person.

Weather Forecasts

The weather forecasters have over the last month firstly predicted a hot summer for Britain, then a cold wet one and are now again predicting a hot one.

Their forecasts may be crap, but at least they have covered all of their bases!

Hiding a Splinter

Hide a splinter in a forest of trees.

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

We are not a cat restaurant/hotel!

Eurovision

A pox upon the banal shite that is Eurovision!

Advice To Language Students

Don't sit on the farking stairs to Brighton beach, eating your chips, blocking them from being used by everyone else!

Thinking

Thinking people are a threat to the status quo.

Death and Stupidity

Death and stupidity are similar.

A dead person doesn't know that he/she is dead, and a stupid person doesn't know that he/she is stupid.

Space Time

Question For My Cat

You are happy enough to use your cat flap to come in, but won't use it to go out why?

Advice To The Eurozone

Now that the world sees your system for what it is (as exemplified by Greece), namely a farcical shell game, it is time to admit that currency unions all end in failure!

Question For The Weather Gods

When may I don my summer kit again?

Advice To Internet Trolls

The wee bridges you live under are easy to trace.

VE Day

As people celebrate/commiserate the General Election results, remember we are only in a position to do this because of the sacrifice made by millions some 70 years ago!

Happy Election Day!

Today is election day in the UK.

Given that it will end in abject failure for all the main parties, be prepared to go through the whole process again by Christmas.

The Election Looms

Less than 24 hours until election day, when everyone loses!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When after Dreamies may I suggest that you ask a human to serve you, rather than trying to nick them in the middle of the night and knocking over the knife block (causing it to smash your bowl) in the process?

Spring Bank Holiday

The UK Spring Bank Holiday is almost upon us, heralded by howling freezing winds and a leaden sky!

Happy Walpurgis Night!

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

We are no longer offering free food and accommodation.

Success

An individual's success, relative to those around him/her, is dependent not just on the actions of that individual but on those around him/her.

Those who have achieved success should be mindful that it is therefore partly dependent on those around them.

Porridge

Porridge should be made with water, not milk, and should be eaten standing up.

Advice to Chefs

A piece of meat encased between two slabs of ciabatta is not a burger.

Happy St George's Day

Psychopaths

Psychopaths are intra species predators who tend to rise to the top of their respective feeding chains, eg business and politics.

Live Dangerously

Live dangerously, never carry an umbrella!

Toasters

Given that setting 3 brings a slice of bread to toasted perfection, why on earth do toasters need setting 6 which would clearly cremate anything put into the toaster?

Question For Charming Events

Regarding the 5 emails you sent me today wrt the following:

The best dates and venues always sell out early,
let us reserve your slot now

Christmas shared packages from just £129 pp + vat etc

Are you nuts?

Sunshine and White Trousers

It is a fundamental law of the universe that as soon as I don my white trousers the sun becomes occluded by the clouds!

Accurate Weather Forecasts

The weather forecasts for the last three days have been 100% accurate.

What the fark is going on??

Sunglasses

For that authentic "reverse panda" look, never remove your sunglasses when out in the sunshine.

Question For My Mobile Phone

Why do you run out of power at the very minute I need to use you?

Night Sweats

Night sweats are a most effective means of ridding the body of excess gin, whilst leaving the day free to consume more.

Weather Exuberance

Beware weather exuberance indulged in by the media eg "Britain set to be hotter than Athens", it is invariably bollocks!

Happy Easter!

Easter Weather

As sure as eggs are eggs, the British Easter weekend weather looks like being absolute shite!

April Fool

Today being April Fools' Day, we have to endure the media thinking it is being very witty by inserting made up stories into the newsflow of reality.

Much like every other day of the week then!

National Hysteria

Beware national hysteria whipped up by politicians and the media.

Advice To Those Seeking Loans

When asking for credit ensure that you do it in the native tongue of those from whom you wish to borrow money.

Advice To The Weather Gods

All and sundry to whom I spoken this morning have said that it is really a lovely day, and it is indeed so.

Therefore I advise the weather gods not to fark it up by messing with the blue sky and sunshine, otherwise there will be a reckoning!

Accountability

You cannot hold a government to account, if you don't know what it is doing.

When The Chips Are Down

When the chips are down, cover them liberally in vinegar and salt to make life more palatable.

Shadows

Shadows define your existence in the light of the sun.

PC Time vs Real Time

Moments = Minutes
Minutes = Hours

Question For My HP Photosmart B110

Why do you always fark me around when I have an urgent scan/print to perform?

Happy Poultry Day!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you throw up in the kitchen during the night, please could you place a warning sign near the puke so that we don't step on it in the morning.

Happy St Patrick's Day

May the Craic be with you!

Advice To Putin Conspiracy Theorists

Putin's staged "disappearance" is simple chaff, designed to divert everyone's attention from the Nemtsov murder.

Friday The 13th

Happy Friday the 13th everyone!

Advice To My HP Printer

Don't fark me around when I am in a hurry preparing for a meeting!

Advice To Eden 4 Flowers

Fix your website!

In the run up to Mother's Day, it is "unwise" to redirect a customer to an error page when he/she attempts to pay for an order.

Advice To Neighbourhood Cats

Please conduct your fights outwith our garden.

Trousers

Always inspect your trousers for prominent gravy stains, before donning them.

World Book Day

Happy World Book Day!

Do your brain and eyes a favour and read something in print, rather than online.

Crochet Pants

An abomination!

Conventional Exams

Conventional exams tend to favour those with conventional minds.

Advice To The Weather

Kindly make your mind up as to whether it will be rain or sun today!

Ongoing Advice To My Cat and Her Friends

I am trying to work, please could you conduct your shenanigans outside of the house!

Flat Leaf Parsley

A pox upon flat leaf parsley, it neither has the flavour nor the longevity of curly leaf parsley.

I forbid you to use it!

Advice To Luvvies

Stick to acting, and keep your noses out of real world issues such as taxation.

Smoking

Smoking allegedly knocks a few years off of your life.

However, those years are at the tail end crappy part of your life. Hence, it is nothing to worry about!

Broken Clocks

Broken clocks are right twice a day.

Thus even the dimmest, most annoying individual can occasionally be correct.

Compromise

A compromise is not a compromise if the "compromise" agreed does not resolve the differences between the parties involved, but instead gives them freedom to continue to pursue their own individual opposing agendas.

Happy Lunar New Year

A very Happy Lunar New Year!

Today marks the year of the sheep or goat or even ram (depending on your translation).

The Chinese word yáng refers both to goats and sheep, with shānyáng specifically goats and miányáng sheep. In English, the sign may be called either. The interpretation of sheep or goat depends on culture.In Vietnamese, the sign is mui, which is unambiguously goat. In Japan, on the other hand, the sign is hitsuji, sheep; while in Korea and Mongolia the sign is also sheep or ram.

The sheep is an auspicious animal, and the Year of the Sheep, therefore, heralds a year of promise and prosperity.

吉慶有餘 Jíqìngyǒuyú - "May your happiness be without limit"

Dead Flies

A room looks so much tidier when a dead fly that has lain undisturbed for a year or so is removed.

Happy Pancake Day

Happy pancake day!

Happy Friday 13th

Quarrels

Quarrels must be buried when the quarrellers are yoked together to the plough.

Mules

Beware mules who pose as men with principles.

Question For My Walls

Why the hell do you make it so difficult for us to hang pictures on you?

Snow

One flake of snow and the UK goes into doomwatch mode!

Proxy Wars

Proxy wars are all very well in theory, if the side that you are funding/supplying and training is:

- competent
- trustworthy
- reliable
- not fanatical
- likely to win etc.

However, as is most often the case, those that are the proxies are never any of the above.

Kudos To My Cat

Kudos to my cat for vomiting her food back into her bowl, thus ensuring that there was no mess on the floor and enabling her to eat it later.

Rocks and Hard Places

When caught between a rock and a hard place, pick the rock up and bash the crap out of the hard place.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

You will get piles if you keep pressing your bottom against the radiator.

Advice To My Never Ending Cold

Begone of your own free will, lest I take extreme measures and smite you with extreme prejudice!

Humans

Humans will always react to a situation in a human way (ie unpredictably). The reaction of animals is far easier to predict and manage.

Complex Systems

The more complex a system, the more prone it is to abuse.

War

War is the mother of all invention.

Eyes Closed

Sometimes it is best to speak with one's eyes closed, so that one may see more clearly.

Fark Off Windows!

Another day, another pc slowing Windows download!

Whiteboards

Whiteboards are the tools of dictators.

The Joy of Windows

How kind of Microsoft to be forever tinkering with their current releases of Windows, by downloading regular updates onto my pcs that slow them down.

How I look forward to Windews10 which, I assume, will be error free and not require updating?

Thank You Windows

Thank you Windows for choosing to download stuff onto my pc, the process of which not only slowed the machine down to a snail's pace but caused my wireless connection to drop!

Stained Trousers

It is a fundamental principle of the universe that stained trousers only become apparent at the precise moment you are leaving the house for an appointment/event.

Spaghetti Bolognese

The sign of a quality spaghetti bolognese is a sauce spattered shirt and face after eating it.

Monday Morning Advice

Go on, have a nap; you know you want to!

Advice To The Middle Aged

Don't shroud yourself in a self constructed shell of your own disappointment with your life.

Ongoing Advice To My Cat

When you feel you are about to throw up, please vacate the duvet on our bed (especially when we are still sleeping underneath it).

New Year's Resolutions

New Year's resolutions are a thoroughly pointless exercise and an utter waste of time!