New Year

New Year celebrations are often rather false events; excess alcohol, "rip off prices" and forced jollity with strangers.

Why not celebrate when you want to, with people who you want to be with?

Shopping

Parents, if you must bring your children into supermarkets with you; then at least have the good sense to turn your mobile phone off, so that you may keep an eye on your offspring.

Failure to keep an eye on them, will inevitably mean that they will get up to mischief; such as sitting in the refridgerator.

Repetition

Try to avoid repeating yourself, it is a most tedious habit.

TV network programme schedulers would be well advised to follow this advice.

A Message to Delivery Companies

Your role is to deliver packages and letters to people at a time and location that suits them, not the other way around.

Please do remember that.

Christmas Films

Those of you who engage in fighting with your partner over which film to watch at Christmas, when faced with the choice of "The Great Escape" or "The Sound of Music", should stop fighting.

Both of the above films in fact follow the same storyline.

The Great Escape is the story of Steve McQueen escaping from the Nazis, and The Sound of Music is the story of Julie Andrews escaping from the Nazis.

You see, no reason to fight over which film to watch at all!

Trust

Trust can kill you, or set you free.

Boiling Kettles

A watched kettle never boils, or so the saying goes, this is utter nonsense.

I turned my kettle on a few minutes ago, and watched it, it boiled in precisely the same length of time as it normally takes to boil when not watched.

Life

Life is just one big damage limitation exercise.

Hair Gel

Run out of hair gel?

Use lard instead.

Don't Waste Money

The Americans spent millions of Dollars developing a pen, that could write in the weightless conditions of space; they invented the biro.

The Russians saved time and money, they took a pencil.

The next time that you are confronted with a problem, don't just throw money at it to make it go away.

There may, in fact, be a simpler cheaper solution.

Charities

The purpose of charities is, so they say, to distribute aid and money to good causes.

If that is the case, why do charities have so much undistributed money sitting in their bank accounts?

Advice to Athletes

Remember, the brain is a muscle too.

It would do you no harm to pay the same attention to that, as you do your bodies, and exercise that once in while.

Christmas

It is often lamented by people that the "true meaning of Christmas" has been lost. They claim that Christmasd has become far too commercialesed, and that the Christian values of caring for others and giving have been lost.

I would suggest that these people are neglecting history. Christmas is a Christian festival, which has been imposed on a much older winter festival.

The pre Christian winter festival was a time of overindulgence and merriment; where people ate and drank as much as was possible, in order to forget the bleak mid winter and try to keep their spirits up until spring.

The modern day overindulgence, that the West engages in at this time of year, is in fact a reversion to this mid winter practice; and is therefore highly traditional.

The Dead

The dead should stay dead.

Don't try to disturb them, by becoming involved with spiritualism and other such mumbo jumbo.

Advice to TV Network Executives

TV networks tend to pump out unstimulating, mindless papa these days. This is partly due to the desire by TV network executives to find cheap programming that appeals to the masses; and the fear of offending the group of small minded bigots, who makes it their life's work to look for programmes to complain about.

This "dumbing down" of output undermines the basic principles of what should constitute good broacasting. Namely, it should be:

- Challenging

- Stimulating

- Entertaining

Flying

Any landing that you can walk away from, is a good one.

Reality TV

Reality TV seeks ever new depths to plunge; placing people in extreme situations and pushing them to breaking point, for the delectation of the moronic masses.

The only pleasure that people derive from watching these programmes, is the pleasure derived from seeing others' humiliated.

They demean both the hapless participants, and the viewers.

Let us kill these dreadful programmes off once and for all, they are little better than bear baiting or gladiator contests of the past.

Dining Out

When dining out in a large group, simply split the bill evenly by the number of people at the table.

Do not attempt to analyse who ate and drank what; then try to apportion the bill based on actual consumption.

This method is slow, prone to error and causes unseemly arguments between peopl who may be a little drunk.

Airline Food

Airline food is an abomination, and an insult to the palate.

Those that create this tasteless muck should be force fed it every day, until they improve it.

Alcohol

Alcohol, the cause of many of life's problems; and the solution.

Ain't it wonderful?

They

The phrase "They say" is often used to back up arguments, or to make a point.

However, who precisely are "They" and why is their opinion so important?

Advice To Politicians

When having an affair, please remember to use a condom.

The news of an illegitimate sprog will wreck your career, if the affair has not already done so.

Advice to World Leaders

When designating a country as a "crucible", in which to fight terror, at least have the courtesy to ask the occupants of that country first if they are happy with being turned into a crucible.

It is after all only good manners!

Silence

A few moments of silence each day, no talking just peaceful contemplation, should be made compulsory for all.

Heroes

People need heroes, it gives them something to live up to.

Regrettably there are more villains than heroes living on this planet.

The Pen is Mightier Than The Sword

The pen is mightier than the sword, or so the saying goes.

Absolute tosh!

Try waving your bic biro at the lunatic, who is brandishing a machete in your general direction; and see if he runs off.

Weather Cocks and Signposts

Politicians can be divided into two camps; weather cocks and signposts.

The weak and dangerous politicians are the weather cocks; they twist in the wind of public opinion, following whatever the latest focus group says.

They provide no leadership or inspiration.

Signposts, on the otherhand, clearly point the way; even when the weather is bad and even though the traveller may not wish to follow their guidance.

I know which I prefer.

Advice To Restaurants

A small piece of advice for those in the restaurant trade.

When you describe your restaurant as eg French; at least have the brains to serve French food, even if it's not very good French food.

Honking

Drivers, don't honk your horns when you are stuck in a traffic jam.

This practice is a total waste of time, and merely serves to annoy those around you.

Debt

Don't get into debt; and don't commit yourself to expenditure, deals and projects that you cannot afford.

Conmen

How to spot a conman:

-They have large amounts of "flash money".

-When it comes to agreeing prices and payment dates, they claim poverty.

-They do not respond to enquiries concerning their non payment of bills

-They rewrite history to suit their needs.

-They play the wounded party in any dispute over contracts.

When you come across these people, avoid them.

Oil

Fool's gold, which will ultimately lead us to ruin.

Golf

Surely the most pointless sport on the planet?

Good Ideas

"Good ideas don't grow on trees"

How very true!

In my garden, leaves grow on trees.

My thanks to the author, who thought this well known saying up, for pointing out the obvious.

The Sex Lives of Politicians II

In my post yesterday, I remonstrated with the media for hounding politicians about their private lives.

This of course is only applicable to politicians who do not set themselves up above their voters, or try to lecture their voters on how they should live their lives.

In other words, it is a two way street!

The Sex Lives of Politicians

The media's obsession with the sex lives of politicians is corrosive to democracy.

Whether the prurient voters of "middle England" like it or not, people have sex in one form or another.

So long as the politicians do not do it in the street, and frighten the horses, it does not matter what they get up to.

My message to the intrusive media is simple:

Get a life, and let others live theirs.

Standards

Don't lower your standards to fit in with others.

That leads to a never ending, destructive, downward spiral of poor behaviour and low expectations. Stand up for yourself, and make others strive to emulate you.

Cats

Cats spend the best part of their lives sitting and staring.

I am sure that if we knew what was going on in their minds, and could emulate their ability to meditate in this manner, we would be privy to understanding the meaning of life.

Junk Mail

If you are fed up with receiving junk mail in the post, why not give the companies that send you this junk a taste of their own medicine?

Most mail shots usually request you to fill in your personal details, so that they can send you more junk.

Simply complete these forms, with the details of the other companies that send you junk mail.

That way, they will end up sending themselves their junk rather than you.

Trust

Trust is a very precious commodity; once it has been eroded, and squandered, it is very difficult to rebuild.

A Little of What You Fancy

"A little of what you fancy does your good", or so the saying goes.

Therefore a lot of what you fancy must do you the power of good, seems reasonable to me!

Saints' Relics

The centuries old practice, by certain religions, of selling and worshipping saints' relics is a con; designed to extract money from the gullible.

The nail clippings, pieces of cloth and other assorted detritus; that allegedly belonged to these dead "saints" contain no magical powers that can heal the sick, or save the soul.

The churches should be ashamed of themselves for perpetuating such a con.

Evolution

Whenever you see the phrase "evolving role", in a job advert, assume that the company hiring means:

"We haven't thought the role through, and are making it up as we go along".

Fear

Only the dead know no fear.

World Domination

My plans for world domination have been put on hold today, as I have a hangover.

Lightbulbs

Why do lightbulbs all choose to "blow" at the same time?

The Snake and the Frog

One day, there was a fire in the jungle; in order to escape from it the animals had to cross a large, fast flowing, river.

This posed no problem for the larger animals. However, it proved to be an insurmountable obstacle for the frog and the snake; if they attempted to cross it alone.

However, if they worked together; whereby the snake would carry the frog, and the frog navigated, they would succeed in crossing the river.

The snake was the natural enemy of the frog, as he (the snake) regarded the frog as a food source to be eaten on sight.

However, they worked out a bargain whereby they would aid each other in crossing the river.

All went well at first, the frog sat on the snake's back and they entered the river.

They reached the halfway point, then the snake flipped over onto its back, and tossed the frog into the air; so that it could eat it in one go, as it fell back down towards the snake.

The frog exclaimed:

"Why are you doing this? You will drown if you eat me!"

The snake replied:

"Because it is my nature".

Education

Education is a privilege, not a right.

Porridge

Porridge, an excellent start to the day. In order to optimise its beneficial affects; porridge must be made, and eaten, in the following way:

-It should be made with water only, no milk or cream

-Do not add sugar or salt

-It should be eaten standing up.

Fog

Fog has a remarkable muffling affect on noise.

I suggest that those people who persist in annoying their neighbours, with excessive noise, be surrounded in a blanket of thick fog.

Money

Too much is never enough!

The Big Lie of The Consumer Society

The big lie being foisted on consumers, by finance companies, is the idea that you can borrow your way out of debt.

Absolute tosh, and guaranteed to place the hapless debtor in deeper financial distress.

Do not fall for it.

At some stage you will have to pay your debt back; the "ostrich" approach of burying you head in the sand and borrowing more, in the hope that the debt will go away, does not work.

Management Skills

It is widely assumed, by those outside of the world of business, that those in management are skilled individuals who are competent at their jobs.

Unfortunately, many are not.

They are merely sheep who follow the herd and the latest management technique gimmick, sold to them by management theory "experts".

Junk Mail

Do the people who create junk mail feel proud of what they do, given the fact that they know in advance that over 90% of their "product" is trashed immediately?

Vacuous Thinking

Genuine quote from a shopper interviewed on TV:

"I would quite like that bag, if I knew the brand name".

In other words, she only buys products for their brand name; the quality and style of the products are irrelevant.

The person has not the wit, or the confidence, to make up her own mind about the quality and design of the product; she needs the "crutch" of the brand name to help her make the decision.

My advice to you all is simple, break free from the tyranny of the marketing men and brand names; buy what you want, not what you are told to buy.

Shoes

Keep your shoes well polished.

Scruffy, unkempt, shoes are a sign of an unkempt and disorganised mind.

Marketing Con Tricks II

"Easy to open package"

Haah!

Marketing Con Tricks

"New Improved"

The above phrase actually means:

"We have tweaked the formula and design a bit; in order to justify raising the price, whilst trying to arrest the decline in sales".

Don't fall for this con.

Teenage Yobs

The only way to tackle the teenage yob element in society is for parents to act as parents, and not to let their offspring run wild like feral animals.

The trouble is that many of the parents of these teenage yobs cannot be bothered; as it would simply be too much effort, and would distract them from their prime raison d'etre namely watching TV.

Here's the solution, ban both the parents and the kids from watching TV.

The vacuum in their lives, produced by the lack of their TV sedative, would force them to address the issue of their failure to act as responsible parents.

Lies of Our Time

"I'll call you back"

"I will pay you at the end of the month"

"The troops will be home for Christmas"

Religion and Politics

Religion and politics do not mix.

Never trust, or vote for, a politician who prays regularly and invokes God in his/her speeches.

These people put faith above logic, argument and pragmatism. The are extremely dangerous; they are, in effect, as dangerous as fanatical terrorists.

They will lead you down the path of destruction, as they blindly follow their misplaced faith in their own moral certainty.

Cheese

Eat a lump of cheese on a daily basis.

It is an excellent source of protein; it also reduces the acidity level in your mouth, thereby lessening the chances of decay.

Consumerism

Consumerism, and all that goes with it such as; buying brand names purely for the label, marketing worthless products and changing products' functionality and appearance purely to stimulate more sales, is a con trick of staggering proportions.

The West's addiction to, and reliance on, consumption as the panacea for all ills is self destructive:

1 It absorbs scarce resources.

2 It pollutes the environment.

3 It is unsustainable.

4 It diverts peoples' money and attention away from necessities such as; health care and education.

5 It creates an addictive dysfunctional society, constantly looking for new thrills and experiences; never satisfied, or happy with their lives.

Cats

Cats are very wise; they do as little as possible for themselves, they sleep through most of the day whilst their human owners feed and pamper them.

This is the very lifestyle that many humans seek to emulate.

Promises

Don't make promises that you can't keep!

The Most Hated Phrase in The English Language

"We regret to announce the cancellation of..."

A Career in Dentistry

Not a suitable career choice for alcoholics with severe tremors.

The Tongue

We are born with:

-Two eyes, to see better with

-Two ears, to hear better with

-One tongue, to listen better with

Pensions

The solution to the current crisis over pensions is very simple.

Simply raise the retirement age.

Why should you expect to live for more than twenty years, without working to support yourself?

Advice To Politicians' Tailors

When tailoring suits for well known politicians, always allow room in the jacket for the following:

-A wire
-A bullet proof undergarment
-A brace to improve posture

Sloppy tailoring exposes these devices to the prying eyes of the press, and the hapless politician to the ridicule and contempt of the public.

Please and Thank You

Life would be made much more pleasant, and less fractious, if people remembered to use the phrases "please" and "thank you" more often.

Improve the quality of your life, and of those around you, use "please" and "thank you" today.

Life on Earth

Life on earth can be categorised into the following hierarchy, number 1 being the top:

1 Human beings
2 Animals
3 Plants
4 Bacteria
5 Estate agents
6 Recruitment consultants

Astrology

Bunkum and Balderdash!

Ginger

Ginger is a most marvellous substance.

It adds flavour and body to your food. Additionally, it is excellent for the digestion; soothing many stomach troubles.

Let's hear it for Ginger!

No More Excuses

When things don't go your way, and life serves you a plate of shit, don't blame others or society.

Identify the causes of the problem, and take the appropriate corrective measures.

Playing the "blame game" is merely an excuse to avoid addressing your own personal issue.

Commercial Space Travel

The prospect of "ordinary people" being able to travel in space, if they are rich enough, has moved one step closer.

You can count me out, travelling by plane is uncomfortable and inconvenient enough. The mere thought of being weightless in a cramped rocket, would render the inconsequential sick bag more than inadequate.

History

Those that ignore their history are very often run over by it.

Weather Presenters

A note of advice to those TV weather presenters who do outside broadcasts.

When you are reading your script, and telling the disbelieving viewer that the weather is sunny and bright, may I suggest that you take a look up towards the sky before you speak.

Invariably, you will see that it is grey and overcast.

Attending to "little details" like that will make all the difference to the credibility of your broadcast.

Honour

Those that don't honour agreements, made in good faith, are worthless individuals who deserve to be ostracised by society.

Cheating

We were always told at school that cheating in exams was wrong.

Yet, those who get away with it are in fact demonstrating creative thinking and above average intelligence.

Cheating should be encouraged by schools.

Celebrities

Celebrities are lauded in the media, and by their adoring fans; we are led to believe that their every action, and utterance, is of the utmost importance.

Yet what precisely is a celebrity?

Here is a simple definition:

A celebrity is an empty vessel, into which the media and public pour their unfulfilled dreams and ambitions.

Drinking

It is in the nature of man to drink himself into oblivion.

Those that try to go against nature, by imposing ethical or religious rules forbidding drinking, are fools.

Supermarkets

Supermarkets pretend that they are concerned with the health and demands of their customers, by offering "fresh" produce.

Do not be deceived, a far greater percentage of valuable retail space is now being devoted to ready made meals; containing noxious chemicals and excess salt/sugar.

These products are where the real money is to be made.

Supermarkets couldn't give a toss about the health, or requirements, of their customers.

Convoys

A convoy moves only as fast as the slowest ship in that convoy.

The same can be said for partnerships; both emotional and financial.

Life

Life is like a river; the further down it you travel, the slower and more ponderous it becomes.

The Moon

I have a plan for the moon:

• Construct a giant solar panel, covering the entire surface of the bright side of the moon.



• Transmit the energy generated, via microwaves, to satellites placed in geo-stationary orbit around the earth.



• These in turn would transmit the energy to ground receiving stations.



• These would distribute the energy, via conventional means, around the world.

A simple solution to the problem of dwindling energy reserves.

Military Strategy

The use of 21st century weapons and strategy, against an enemy that employs 14th century strategy and techniques does not work.

Beetroot

To prepare your beetroot follow these simple steps:

• Wash and scrub the dirt and muck from the skin



• Place into a saucepan, half full with water, and simmer for 20 minutes or so until soft



• Allow to cool



• Peel



• Cut into chunks



• Throw the beetroot away, as it is fit for nothing

Lard

Lard is an excellent product; easy to store, and very versatile.

It can be used to roast all manner of vegetables and meats; or it can be simply spread on hot toast, and seasonsed with salt and pepper.

I commend all households to store at least 500g in their fridges.

Don't tell your cardiologist though!

Hangovers

Nature's way of telling you that you are getting too old to drink like a teenager.

Advice For People Travelling To High Risk Countries

DON'T

Failure

Failure is character building.

Those that have never failed at anything in their lives, are immature and lacking in character.

If you doubt me, the witness the sulky tantrums thrown by American athletes when they don't win a gold medal.

Fire Alarms

When the fire alarm sounds, don't stand around like an idiot wondering what to do.

Get the hell out of the building!

Rivers

As attractive as rivers may appear to be, they are prone to flooding.

I consider that those who live near rivers to be unwise; I advise you not to live near a river.

Inexperienced Sailors

I have nothing but contempt for those inexperienced, and foolish, individuals who take to the sea without adequate training or equipment.

Their actions not only endanger themselves, but the lives of those who have to set to sea to rescue them; when, as is always the case, they find themselves in difficulties.

The School Run

The school run, where doting mothers drive their spoilt kids to and from school, has a very deleterious effect on society.

• It causes traffic jams.



• It wastes scarce oil reserves.



• It contributes to environmental pollution.



• It causes children to become fat and lazy.

The environment, and health of the nation, would be better served by making children walk to school.

The Sea

Respect the sea at all times.

Stock Markets

Those people who believe that share prices are determined purely by market forces, such as supply and demand, are deluding themselves.

Share prices are routinely manipulated by market makers, analysts, companies and large stakeholders.

The ordinary retail investor does not stand a chance.

Dogs

Why do dogs sniff each other's bottoms?

A very strange habit indeed.

The Nature of Man

It is in the nature of mankind to seek to fulfill its desires.

Mankind's fulfillment zones are categorised as follows:

• Food


• Sex


• Materialism

Self esteem

Until each category is fulfilled, mankind cannot move on to the next.

Conspiracy Theories

The current trend to fall for conspiracy theories about front page events such as; 9/11, Diana's death and the assassination of Kennedy is very dangerous.

The majority of the theories are ill founded bollocks, propagated by unqualified attention seekers.

Accept the fact that things can go wrong; we, even celebrities, are mortal and prone to the twists of fate.

Butter Side Down

The old adage about toast falling butter side down, is bunkum.

I have tested this theorem myself, and can attest to the fact that the chances are 50/50 of the toast falling butter side down.

The real issue that needs to be addressed is, why are people so dammed careless with their toast in the first place?

Political Posturing

Sometimes the lies, and posturing, of politicians just makes me want to retch.

Pigs

What an absolutely splendid beats, the pig is.

You can eat all parts of it, with the exception of the "squeak".

I commend that every household keeps a pig, just in case.

The Demonisation of Teenagers

It has become common practice in the Western media to demonise teenagers; their behaviour, morals, hygiene, anti social behaviour and any every other personal characteristic comes under attack.

Now let us remember a few things:

• Teenagers, are by defintion, awkward, selfish, noisy etc. That is what it is to be a teenager.



• Their errant behaviour patterns are not society's fault, but a result of their upbringing.



• The primary responsibility for their upbringing rests with their parents.

Therefore, when the media seeks someone to blame for the dreadful behaviour of teenagers; they should direct their ire at the parents, who are wholly responsible for the behaviour of their offspring.

Targeting

The Cold War ended some years ago, with the fall of the Berlin Wall and the collapse of communism.

Russia and the USA, the former adversaries in the Cold War, have negotiated a number of treaties relating to their massive stock piles of nuclear warheads; with the intention of making the world a safer place.

One action that they have taken to improve safety, and to lessen the chances of war between them, is to change the targets of their warheads; so that they are no longer targeting each other.

That is excellent.

However, I have one small question; if they are not targeting each other, who precisely are these warheads now targeted at?

Mobile Phones

Don't eat in restaurants with your mobile phones turned on.

It is the height of rudeness to the other diners to have their meals interrupted by the bleeps of the phones, and the inane loud and ignorant conversations of the owners.

Those that breach this rule should have their phones crushed.

The Weakest Link

A chain is only as strong as its weakest link.

This most apt of sayings applies to many aspects of life including; relationships, work and health.

The Ultimate Cold Cure

The next time that you think that you are getting a cold, don't waste your doctor's time by asking for a prescription that won't work; instead follow these simple steps:

• Put your feet in a bowl of hot (not scalding) water, that has been liberally infused with a large quantity of English mustard powder, and soak them for a few minutes.



• Peel a large onion, boil it until it is soft but still solid. Drain, put a large knob of butter on the top of it and sprinkle with black pepper. Eat whilst hot.



• Prepare, and drink, a hot toddy consisting of; freshly squeezed lemon juice, hot water, sugar, cloves and whisky.

Follow these simple steps and you will soon be feeling better.

Naturally, if you don't feel better, then seek medical assistance.

Mistakes

Actions and decisions that need to be changed are never mistakes, until they become irreversible.

Dinosaurs

Why were the dinosaurs so blooming big?

Facing The Unknown

We are, by nature as a species, afraid of the unknown.

Do not fear the unknown, change is a natural part of life.

Sunshine

Why does the sun always go in, when I am about to go out?

Microwave Ovens

Microwave ovens are a curse on mankind.

I spurn them, as I would spurn a rabid dog.

Envy

Envy is often dismissed by religions as a negative, and base, emotion.

This is not so.

Envy is the spur that inspires people to better their lives, and hence add value to society.

Dawn

It is always darkest before the dawn; so don't despair if things look bleak, time changes everything.

Half Arsed

Don't do a "half arsed job", do it well.

Take pride in your work, no matter how mundane it may seem to others.

Nations

The nations of the world are like the seas.

They are inextricably linked, yet frequently clash against each other.

Never Give Up

If at first you don't succeed, keep plugging away.

Face down your disappointments, and never give up!

The Car

The car brings out mankind's worst characteristics:

• It makes us envious of our neighbour's newer, faster model.



• It encourages us to show off by speeding, and performing dangerous stunts.



• It causes disputes between neighbours over parking spaces.



• It causes massive environmental damage.



• It is responsible for the modern day phenomenon of road rage.

I am inclined to limit car ownership, or maybe ban it altogether in favour of efficient mass transit systems.

Dress Code

I am heartily sick and tired of seeing some people in restaurants dressed in merely a T-shirts and casual trousers.

It is disrespectful to the other diners, who are there for a "special evening". Those that insist on a "casual look" can dine in a casual place, such as a fast food diner.

I want to see some form of dress code enforced at these places.

Take a Chance

Don't let opportunity slip through your fingers.

When something comes along, that may be the opportunity of a lifetime, grasp it firmly with both hands.

Blue Sky Thinking

Blue sky thinking is what separates us from the animals.

The ability to imagine a better world, has enabled the human race to leave the caves and reach for the skies.

The American Dream

The American dream, whereby all the citizens of the United States can become millionaires, is an impossibility.

You cannot have a society whereby all are equally wealthy.

Those that hold this belief are destined for a big time disappointment.

Spinach

Blaaagh!

Road Rage

What is the point of two adults waving their fists at each other, and hurling insults at each other; just because their precious cars have pranged into each other?

Poeples' values are topsy turvy.

Diamonds and Coal

A diamond is a lump of carbon, with no intrinsic value or use; it is coveted by the wealthy as a symbol of power and wealth.

A piece of coal is a lump of carbon with a practical use, yet of little value.

What does that say about the people who are willing to pay a small fortune for the useless carbon lump?

Education

Education is a privilege, not a right; it should not be taken for granted.

As soon as people realise that, the value of education and professional qualifications will rise; and people will appreciate the opportunities afforded them to learn and study.

Graffiti

Graffiti is not an art form, it is vandalism; perpetrated by attention seeking halfwits.

Those second rate "celebrities", most notably in the music industry, who encourage this vandalism; should be personally made to clean the up this mess and blight on the landscape.

Taxi Drivers

Taxi drivers are apt, whether required or not, to regale their passengers with their opinions on all manner of subjects; ranging from politics to sport.

In order to have some control over this mental intrusion, I prefer using taxis that are fitted with an in car speaker switch. This way you can turn the driver off, quite literally.

I commend this device, and request that it be made mandatory in all taxis.

Nature Abhors a Vacuum

Advice to world leaders, seeking regime change in countries other than their own.

When invading countries, on the pretext of helping the local population rid themselves of the incumbent regime, ensure that the following two rules are adhered to:

• Make sure that you have a plan for the reconstruction, and repair, of any damage caused.



• Don't "cut and run", until the local replacement political and security infrastructure is strong enough to stand on its own two feet.

Nature abhors a vacuum; if you leave before the above points have been addressed others will fill the vacuum, and chaos will ensue.

Men and Women

Men and women are totally different in respect of how they perceive, and react to, situations and events.

However, more often than not, they fail to recognise this. Instead they criticise the opposite sex for their behaviour and, if in a relationship, try to modify their partner's behaviour.

This causes considerable friction, and stress, between the sexes.

My advice is simple, stop trying to change each other; accept that the opposite sex is different.

Life will become considerably less stressful.

Risk

Risk is an essential spice to life.

Take a little every day.

Footballers

Celebrity footballers are paid a small fortune to kick a ball around a field.

Nurses are paid a small sum to care for the sick.

Something is very wrong with our sense of values.

Optimism

Optimism about the future is essential.

People should view their lives in positive terms, otherwise there would be very little point in getting out of bed in the morning.

Less Government

Governments are inflexible, their desire to intrude into peoples' lives stifles initiative and progress.

The firmer the grip that the State has over society, the more stagnant and inflexible that society becomes.

It is a hackneyed phrase, but "less government is better government".

Faddy Eating

There is a veritable smorgasbord of programmes on TV, that aim to improve the eating habits of the population.

They follow a standard format; whereby someone with an unhealthy diet is introduced to the novelties of fresh fruit, vegetables and fibre.

Invariably the human guinea pigs turn their noses up at the new diet. They protest, in the manner of a 3 year old, that they don't like or eat vegetables.

I am moved to question, how it is that these so called adults still act as though they are a 3 year old throwing a tantrum at the dining table; when made to eat something that they choose not to like?

The answer is simple, their parents failed them when they were bringing them up.

Instead of taking the harder route of making them eat what was put in front of them, they took the easy route and let them eat what they wanted.

The result; an immature, spoilt, fat and unhealthy adult.

Sven's Alleged Affair

Why is this headline news?

Contemplation

The Koreans believe that meal times are a time for reflection and contemplation.

Inane babble is not required, or welcome; instead meals should be eaten in an atmosphere of peace and contemplation.

An excellent maxim to follow, I commend it.

Cover Yourselves Up

It has become the fashion on hot summer days, for people to sit outside cafes and bars; exposing as much flesh as they can legally get away with.

That would all be very well, if we all had the figures of Greek gods and goddesses. Unfortunately, the majority of us don't.

I find, and I suspect that many others find, the sight of flabby beer bellies, paunches and undulating sweaty rolls of fat to be very off-putting; both aesthetically, and in terms of appetite when eating.

Please have some consideration for others, and cover yourselves up in public areas.

Dog Crap

There are still some dog owners who allow their mutts to befoul the pavement, without cleaning the mess up afterwards.

I suggest that the owners who disregard others' rights to walk on a clean pavement, have their noses rubbed in the offensive mess; literally!

That will act as a far greater incentive to keep the pavements clean, than any fine.

Consumer Debt

The consumer economies of the Western world rely on debt to keep them growing; that is a known, and accepted, fact.

However, the level of debt is now reaching proportions that threaten the very basis of those societies.

The UK consumer debt will hit £1 trillion today; yes, £1 trillion!

That level of debt, in the event of an unexpected economic wobble, is unsustainable.

How did we get ourselves into this position?

Simple, people are now brought up to believe that whatever they want they can have immediately; without waiting, or saving. Instant gratification is the "name of the game".

The average adult consumer behaves more like a child let loose in a candy store.

It is now time to restrain those urges for instant gratification, and apply a little self restraint.

Remember, "famine follows feast".

Excess Swearing

Some people appear to be incapable of "communicating" without liberally peppering their sentences with an unhealthy dose of expletives, and four letter words.

They delude themselves that this gives them credibility, and that swearing "adds weight" to the point that they are making.

In reality all they are doing is displaying their limited capability for verbal reasoning, and their inferiority complex in respect of using sentences with a more complex structure.

In short, they are showing themselves to be ignorant dolts with a limited vocabulary.

Politicians Lie

Politicians lie, it is in their nature and it is the nature of their chosen "profession".

Why are voters always so shocked, and surprised, when another political "untruth" is exposed?

Shoelaces

If your shoelaces are prone to coming undone on a regular basis, boil them in water for a few minutes.

This will resolve the problem.

Do remember to remove the laces from your shoes first though!

Help Your Cat Settle In

When trying to help your cat settle in to its new home, always put butter on its paws.

Once the cat has finished licking its paws clean, it will feel suitably relaxed and comfortable in its new environment.

Clean Underwear

In the event that you are about to be run over by a bus, make sure that you change your underwear first.

Clean underwear makes a good impression with the hospital staff, who have to try to put you back together again.

Conversely, you could try to avoid being knocked over in the first place.

The choice is yours!

A Healthy Way To Start The Day

I blend the following in a glass of mineral water each morning:

• A full clove of fresh garlic



• A bunch of fresh parsley



• A sprig of fresh mint



• A small tomato



• A chunk of fresh ginger

This is an ideal way to start the day, and an excellent means of providing a system detox and purifying the blood.

I commend that you do the same.

Microwave Cookers

Do not try to dry your wet pets in a microwave.

They have a nasty tendency to explode (the pets that is).

Advice To Acne Ridden Teenagers

When squeezing your acne, make sure that you are a good distance away from the mirror.

That way you will avoid smudging the mirror with the puss, as it explodes from the squeezed spot.

Pollution

Animals do not befoul their own nests; yet humans are happy to befoul, and pollute the earth (their nest).

Why?

Humans should learn from the animals in this respect.

UFO's

Flying saucers and little green men do not exist.

UFO's, and objects resembling flying saucers, are man made.

The stories about flying saucers, and aliens have been fabricated by military organisations; seeking to deflect public attention from their development work on advanced weapons technology.

Don't fall for the biggest con trick of the last 60 years.

Doggy Poo

It has come to my attention that there is a movie playing in the Far East called "Doggy Poo".

It seems that this artistic endeavour covers the life and times of a sentient lump of dog crap.

Has it really come to this?

Surely there are better things that the writers, financial backers and viewing public could be doing with their time and money; than wallowing in dog crap?

Ghosts

There are no such things as ghosts.
 
Apparitions are brought about by the overactive imaginations of people, who are susceptible to the suggestions and influence of others.

Porpoise

What is the purpose of a porpoise?

The British Pub

The world would be a better place if British pubs, and pub culture, became a global phenomenon.

British pubs are an ideal venue for discussing political issues of the day; and for resolving disputes, by the time honoured method of getting blind drunk and having a bar brawl.

Go forth and build pubs!

Eggs

In my view you can never have too many eggs.

They are versatile, and nutritious. Aside from their habit of causing mild constipation, they are a splendid food source.

Make them compulsory, that's what I say.

The Blame Game

There are those who, viewing their own lives as unsatisfactory, seek to blame others; such as the government, society and "big business" etc.

My advice to these people is simple; don't wallow in self pity, "get off your knees" and take responsibility for your life. Address your percieved failings, and take steps to improve your life.

Public Parks

Far too many public parks are bedecked with signs containing the word "no". This is not conducive to creating a warm inviting atmosphere.

Let us change this negative culture and attitude. I want to see signs put with positive welcoming messages such as:

"Please enjoy your picnic here"

The Grass Is Always Greener

The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, or so the saying goes.

I disagree, the other side of my neighbour's fence is concreted over.

Intolerance

I am intolerant of intolerance, and those who are intolerant.

Mateus Rose

A splendid fine wine, with zesty kick. Ideal for summer drinking.

Ignore the wine snobs, drink it copiously this summer.

Table Manners

Children should be taught table manners on a compulsory basis. Basic etiquette, such as saying please and thank you when requesting salt to be passed, should drummed into them from an early age.

This will be of enormous benefit to them later in life; and will ensure that those who currently have to endure dining behaviour, akin to a zoo, will have a more civilised meal.

Christmas and Thanksgiving

Two festivals viewed by some as a chance to bring families together; yet, more often than not, they are the cause of family rifts and arguments.

I suggest that these two festivals be given a health warning.

Water and Diamonds, The Paradox of Value

Water is one of nature's most useful and versatile resources.

In the West it is readily available at very low cost. Whereas in the third world, clean available water commands a hefty premium to those on the verge of starvation.

Diamonds, on the other hand, are intrinsically worthless in terms of versatility and value.

Those that dig them out of the ground, in Africa, receive if they are lucky a living wage. Those that are unlucky, are forced to dig for diamonds with a gun to their head.

However, diamonds in the West command a hefty premium.

A strange paradox of value, wouldn't you agree?

Christmas

Christmas is for wants, not needs.

Corporate Bureaucracy

Corporate bureaucracy is designed to stifle innovation and initiative.

Companies with excessive bureaucracy will find themselves consigned to the dustbin of history.

Veils

Why do men not wear veils?

Beauty

Beauty, whilst appealing to the eye, is not always a guarantee of safety and warmth.

The rose has thorns which will cut you, if you do not handle it with care.

Consequences

One of the many failings of modern society, is the failure to teach its offspring that for every action taken there are consequences.

Without understanding that actions give rise to consequences, future generations are woefully unprepared for life; and all that it has to throw at them.

Swamps

Swamps and political parties are much alike.

Build a swamp, and watch the poisons hatch out; the same applies for political parties and their "inhabitants".

The Flame

The flame is always at its brightest just before it is extinguished.

Cigarettes

Have you ever considered how different the world would have been if Sir Walter Raleigh, when he brought back tobacco and potatoes to Britain in the 16th century, had told people to eat tobacco and smoke potatoes?

The Undiscovered Country

The future is the undiscovered country, towards which we should set our sights.

Do not dwell in the past, it has nothing to offer.

Old vs Young

There is a very simple reason for the age old battle between the young and the old.

The young don't know or care about what it is like to be old, and the old have forgotten what it is like to be young.

The Wheel

The wheel is one of mankind's most outstanding inventions.

Why is this?

Simple, it is one of the few ideas man has had which he did not copy from nature.

After all, how many animals do you see with wheels?

How to Eat Spaghetti

Many people are confused as to how they should eat spaghetti. I am happy to make a ruling on this matter.

Spaghetti should be eaten by twisting it around a fork, and slurping it into your mouth.

A plentiful supply of generously proportioned napkins should be on hand.

All clear?

Yorkshire Pudding

Yorkshire pudding should be cooked under the joint, in a roasting tray. This way it will absorb the juices and flavours of the meat, and remain flat like a pancake.

Yorkshire puddings that are cooked in individual moulds, separately from the meat, puff up and are bland and tasteless.

Pardon

The world would be a far more civilised place if people would say "pardon", instead of "what".

Peace in The Middle East

Peace in the Middle East will never be achieved, as long as the occupants of that troubled land are settling old scores from battles that ended several thousand years ago.

Knock it off guys; look to the future, and get on with your lives.

The Solution to Drunken Yobbery

I have thought long and hard about how to tackle the current epidemic of drunken yobbery, seen in many of our city centres each weekend.

I have now come up with the solution, which I ask to be implemented without delay.

Those convicted of drunken antisocial behaviour should have their foreheads stamped with an indelible ink message, for a period of time to be determined by the courts.

The message would read:

"I am a drunken yob"

Those people with this sign on their foreheads would be refused admission to pubs and clubs. Those pubs and clubs that were found to be allowing them access, would have their licences revoked.

At the end of the punishment period, the sign would be removed.

Simple, cheap but 100% effective!

Green Leaves

As much as I may like the colour green, I find the preponderance of this colour in nature to be excessive.

I would like to see a more pleasing selection of colours.

Arrange this someone please.

Time Waits for No Man

Time waits for no man, or so the saying goes.

However, if this is the case, how is it that my alarm clock has stopped working?

Reality TV

The explosion of reality TV shows, featuring third rate wannabee celebrities with limited intellectual and social skills, clearly demonstrates that there is a dearth of creative talent in network TV.

The shows, their participants and their creators should be banished from our lives immediately.

Legs

Legs are a brilliant invention.

They are an economical, environmentally friendly and efficient method of getting from A to B.

Use them more often, instead of your car.

Supermarkets

Supermarkets stock overpriced "plastic" food that, in the case of meat, is far too fresh.

Use farmers' markets, and good butcher's shops, instead.

Money

Too much is not enough!

The Essence of Man

What does it take to change the essence of man?

Time.

Reality

Reality is to be faced, not avoided.

Pull your heads out of the sand, and walk boldly and confidently towards your destiny.

Pigeons

Pigeons have the entire planet to fly around, and use as their toilet; yet they choose Trafalgar Square as their defecation point of choice.

Why?

Fibre

Make sure that you include plenty of fibre in your diet. This is of great benefit, and assistance, to your bowels.

Healthy bowels mean a healthy life, and a sunny and cheerful disposition.

The Cornish Pasty

Let us sing the praises of the Cornish Pasty. A pastry pillow parcel filled with meat, potatoes, onions and vegetables.

One of the world's first fast foods; and infinitely more nutritious, tasty and wholesome.

Eat one today!

Water

Water finds its own level, or so the saying goes.

If that is the case, why is it that it is always raining in the UK but never in the Atlantic?

The Perfect Exam Answer

A candidate, sitting a history exam, was asked to write all that he knew about Henry III.

He wrote nothing.

Now that is the perfect answer, and deserves a score of 100%.

The Perfect Exam

Educational experts, businessmen and politicians constantly bicker about what constitutes a good method of examining and grading students.

Forget about three hour structured tests and case studies, that focus on peoples' abilities to regurgitate "crammed" facts.

Put the candidate in a room for 24 hours, with an unlimited supply of paper. Ask the candidate to write all he/she knows about absolutely everything.

Now that's the perfect exam.

Patience

It is often said that patience is a virtue.

However, there are those who seek to take advantage of this by relying on peoples' natural reluctance to complain about poor service and late deliveries.

So don't always be patient, stand up and complain.

Fast Food

There is nothing wrong with fast food, if eaten in moderation and infrequently.

However, it was not designed to be eaten on a daily basis; or to provide the majority of an individual's calorific intake.

Those that eat it on a daily basis, have no one but themselves to blame if their health deteriorates and they balloon to the size of a zepellin.

Parenting

Parents are quick to blame others, society, TV and anything else that comes to mind for failings in the behaviour of their children.

However, remember this, the seed does not fall far from the tree.

Bank Holidays

Bank holidays are an irrelevance in modern Britain. The idea that the entire population can all take the same day off is absurd.

Shops, hospitals, transport and the media (to name but a few) all have to function on these days.

Let us abolish the bank holiday, and instead award everyone an extra 14 days holiday a year; to be taken as and when convenient.

Anti Ageing Creams

There are many people who, beset by fears of the natural process of ageing, smother themselves in anti ageing creams.

These products claim to perform miracles, by taking ten years or more off one’s appearance.

I am somewhat sceptical about these claims, all that is really happening is that the cream is causing the skin to temporarily “puff up”; thereby hiding the wrinkles, lines and bags associated with ageing.

There is another point, the “puffing up” the skin causes it to stretch; thereby making it more baggy, loose and wrinkled when the effect of the cream wears off.

In other words, anti ageing creams in fact make you look older.

Dead Languages

Those that seek to "re-animate" a language that died out centuries ago, in the misguided belief that they are preserving their cultural heritage, are consigning their culture to the "dustbin of history".

A Fool is Often Parted From His Money

"A fool is often parted from his money", so the saying goes.

The implication being that clever people acquire what the fool loses.

However, if that is the case; how is it that many wealthy people are vacuous, shallow idiots?

The Royal Mail

Crap!

No

No is one of the most powerful words in the English language.

Use it wisely.

Oil

It's running out guys!

Time to find a new source of energy.

Spinach

Despite Popeye's love affair with the accursed weed, I despise spinach absolutely.

I hereby banish it from the planet.

Hygiene

Your skin, saliva and excretions are teeming with bacteria.

Don't share them with others!

Wash your hands before preparing, or touching, food.

Animals

Be kind and respectful to animals.

After all, who is to say that they are not the re-incarnated souls of your long since dead ancestors?

Whales and Dolphins

If whales and dolphins are so bright, how is it you never see any of them driving a car?

Toilet Wisdom

Swinging chain means warm seat.

Darkness

Do not fear the darkness, for in but a few short hours it will be daylight again.

The Poor State of Britain's Transport Infrastructure

People moan about the decline of the British transport infrastructure. Roads are congested with traffic, trains and tube lines are overcrowded and clogged with people.

The cry goes up, "ain't it awful!".

Yet the reason for this overcrowding is quite simple, Britain with a population of 58M is massively overcrowded. The transport system was designed to cope with 45M people.

There are two possible solutions:

1 Invest more in the infrastructure, or

2 Reduce the population

Ready to Eat Meals

Will the manufacturers of ready to eat meals please stop pretending that their abominations are:

1 Nutritious

2 Filling

3 Good value for money

They are not!

Consumers would be better served by buying fresh ingredients, and cooking them themselves.

Having

Having is not the same as wanting.

The British Weather

The British weather is crap, I don't think anyone will dispute that.

We don't have a climate, we have weather.

My solution to this problem, that has vexed the good citizens of Britain for centuries, is simple.

Take a fleet of super tankers, attach tow lines between them and the British Isles; tow the British Isles to a more temperate zone, such as the Seychelles.

Problem solved!

Dreams

Follow your dreams, lest they get away from you.

Don't let others rubbish them.

Tea

Rules for the preparation of the perfect cup of tea.

• Boil the water



• Scald the teapot with the water



• Put 1 teaspoon of tea in the pot for every cup being served, then add one for the pot



• Add boiling water



• Allow to "draw" for a few minutes



• Put the milk into the teacups first



• Fill the cups with tea until 3/4's full

Now you may enjoy your tea.

Theft

People are labouring under the delusion that the increase in reported theft is indicative of the moral decline of society.

I disagree, theft has been increasing because people now have possessions that are easy to carry and worth stealing.

The average home now contains; pc's, TV's, stereos, DVD's CD's and mobile phones. Indeed many people on the street carry walkmans and mobile phones, that are easy targets.

None of these products existed 50 years ago, when the reported crime rate was lower.

Exercise

An excessively boring activity, but necessary to healthy living.

If anyone can find a way of staying fit and slim, without the burden exercise they would make a fortune.

Saunas

An excellent method of purging the body of toxins and excess fluids, without the need for the quack doctor potions and pills purveyed by pharmacies and "health" stores.

I wholeheartedly commend them.

Space Travel

Expensive, dangerous and pointless.

The money wasted on this indulgence can put to better use here on Earth.

Spring vs Autumn

The young dislike the old, because they perceive them to be slow, crotchety and in a permanent state of angst.

The old dislike the young, because they perceive them to be noisy, disrespectful and carefree.

In other words, two sides of the same coin.

Soil

Do you realise that one teaspoonful of soil contains more individual bacteria, than the entire human population of earth?

Makes you think doesn't it?

My Top Ten Films

1 Zulu
2 Battle of Britain
3 Khartoum
4 Northwest Frontier
5 55 Days at Peking
6 Operation Crossbow
7 Nixon
8 Night of the Generals
9 Hitler, the Last 10 Days
10 Crimson Tide

Recommended viewing for anyone interested in world domination.

Psychic Drivers

There seems to be an increasing number of car drivers on the road with the gift with second sight. They happily perform all manner of manoeuvres, without looking or signaling; safe in the knowledge that they can predict all possible road scenarios, and are protected from ever having or causing an accident.

Unfortunately, they assume that all other road users are equally blessed with this gift of second sight.

Newsflash guys, the rest of us don't have your gift; and would really appreciate it if you used your eyes and indicators in future.

Fat

Doctors are wont to despair at the high levels of fat in many peoples' diets.

They constantly harangue us about the risks of blocked arteries.

Piffle!

Fat is a lubcricant, like the oil in the engine of a car, the more fat in your arteries, the easier it will be for the blood to flow.

Obvious, isn't it?

Success

You will only succeed in life if you have an appetite so vast, that you could eat the world.

Drinking

I find that indulging in the occasional glass of "falling down" water is a splendid way to stimulate the creative juices, and relieve stress.

I commend this practice to others.

The Meaning of Life

Mankind has pondered the meaning of life, throughout the ages.

I for one would like to suggest that, instead of diverting your mental energies into trying to fathom the unfathomable, you embrace life and enjoy as fully as possible.

Too much is not enough!

Change

People fear change, why?

Change is vital for growth and development.

Individuals and societies that don't embrace change ossify and die.

Therefore, if you want to live and grow, emabrace and welcome change.

Look Yourself in the Mirror

My father has always stood by the following maxim, which I wholeheartedly endorse and commend:

"live your life and act with honour; so that you are able to look yourself in the eye in the monring, in the mirror when you are shaving".

Arrogant Vegetarianism

There are some vegetarians who seek to impose their eating habits on others, and arrogantly look down their noses in disdain at the meat eating majority.

Remember this, Hitler was a vegetarian.

Soap Operas

People complain about films and dramas on television and in the cinema, which contain vast amounts of sex and violence. They worry that the daily diet of blazing guns, pneumatic boobs and profanities will undermine society.

I doubt that very much, the real “threat to society” comes from the more mundane daily diet of soap operas.

The setting of these more closely resembles the viewers’ lives than any Hollywood blockbuster could ever hope for, or indeed aims for.

As people more closely identify with the soaps, so do they seek to emulate the actions of the characters within them. The shows contain a daily diet of backbiting, odious behaviour and aggression between neighbours and family members.

Each episode is designed to pull the viewer through an emotional roller coaster ride; and ensure that at the end of the half hour they are sitting on the edge of their seat, waiting for the next episode.

The trouble is, life is really not as exciting as that; the viewers sit back at the end of the episode and look for the same “real life” stimulation that they enjoyed in the soap. It is nowhere to be found. This lack of stimulation leads to a cycle of depression and frustration, which viewers vent on each other and society.

In my view soap operas are the real danger to society.

Cyclists

Here's a simple piece of advice to cyclists.

When you are cycling on a road, and approaching a traffic light that is red; do yourself and other road users a favour, stop at the bloody thing!

Internal Auditing

There is a pint glass

It contains 1/2 a pint of milk

The optimistic manager says that it is half full

The pessimistic manager says that it is half empty

The internal auditor says that the milk is sour.

Using Your Home as an Investment

The UK has, for the last few years, been experiencing a boom in house prices. Double-digit annual growth has become the norm.

The result has been a feel good factor, among the home owning classes; as they perceive their personal wealth to be increasing exponentially.

Pepped up by their new wealth, they have indulged in an orgy of consumerism; financed by credit secured against their homes.

I warn you of two problems with this:

• Bull cycles (upward price appreciation) do not last forever, there will be a downturn.



• Borrowing long to invest short is foolhardy in the extreme.

My advice to these foolhardy people is as follows; don’t treat your home as an investment, you have to live somewhere.

Carry on like this and you will be swamped by debt, which you can’t service; which will result in you having nowhere to live.

Adversity

When things and events in peoples' lives are not going their way, and they are faced with adversity, they are tempted to ask the question:

"Why me God?"

My answer is simple:

"Because you're here!".

Money

Money is the best, most efficient means yet devised to motivate people to work on projects and tasks that benefit all.

Money also encourages people to behave in totally abominable ways towards each other.

It is, in essence, the most perfect example of the "ying and yang" nature of life.

The European Union

The European Union will fail; as the citizens of Europe will one day wake up and realise that they do not have the ability to kick out the unelected bureaucrats and bankers in Brussels, who set the fiscal and monetary policies that affect everyone living in Europe.

Without that democratic safety valve, European society and social order will break down as the citizens of Europe take to the streets.

Democracy

Churchill once said that whilst democracy may not be perfect, it is the best system of governance we have got.

I agree, whilst democracy may well ensure that we are burdened, more often than not, with politicians who underperform and who are far from suitable for their job; it does give us the ability to kick them out of office every four to five years.

Safe in that knowledge, citizens of democratic countries sleep soundly in their beds and tend (apart from on a few occasions) not to riot.

Democracy is by far the best method to maintain a civilised society and social order; as it provides a safety valve for people to vent their frustrations upon the ruling elite, by voting them out of office.

Teenagers

Many complain about the behaviour of teenagers; sullen, sulky, selfish are a few of the terms used to describe them.

Yet are they entirely to blame?

The marketing aimed at them by the well known international brand names, pumped through the media; convinces them that they are the centre of universe.

Their parents give in to their every whim, and finance their every indulgence.

Is is any wonder that they behave as they do?

Cats

Cats, in my opinion, are by far one of nature's most intelligent domestic pets.

They do exactly what they want, when they want.

Unlike dogs they do not need to be walked, they even clean up their own mess.

Cats rule!

Politicians

Individuals who think themselves better than the rest of us.

They are happy to take our money (by way of taxes), and promise us the earth (at election time).

However, they are incompetent at their jobs and strangely unresponsive to the issues raised by the electorate.

I have yet to be convinced that they serve any useful purpose.

Ambition

Achieve all that is achieveable, then despise your achievements absolutely.

A Drinking Salutation

I commend the following salutation, use it whenever drinking with friends:

"Here's to those that wish us well

The others

They can go to hell!."

Relationships

If you want to maintain a loving, caring and stable relationship don't screw around.

If you must screw around, then use a condom.

Hunger

Hunger is the best spice.

Waste Not, Want Not

My parents lived through WWII, and were used to rationing and food shortages. Therefore, to them, wasting food is disgusting and abhorrent; their motto is “waste not, want not”.

I am pleased to say that they have instilled this splendid dictum in me. I do not waste a scrap of food; even cold Brussels sprouts are used in the traditional dish of bubble and squeak.

The Western world is currently gorging itself into a state of obesity; throwing away all that is deemed to be old and tired, craving instead all that is new and stimulating.

There will come a time when we will be consuming more than we can produce, and shortages will be commonplace.

In order to avoid this, I commend that you follow my parents’ dictum “waste not, want not”.

Obesity

The Western world is plagued by an epidemic of obesity.

People seek miracle “snake oil” cures, in the form of celebrity and fashionable diets. These “diets” range from high fibre to high protein low carbohydrate; you name it, the celebrities and companies market it.

Here is my solution to the obesity epidemic, neither sexy nor easy; eat less, exercise more!.

Governments and Taxes

A government’s prime role is to tax the individual.

Governments constantly look for new, and ingenious, methods to extract more money from the hapless voter.

If governments could, they would tax sex; this is the one area of taxation where avoidance measures would not be proactively sought.

After all who would publicly admit that weren’t “getting any”?

Bananas

Bananas are nature's fast food. They contain all the vitamins and nutrients necessary to cure a hangover, and to kick start your day.

They even come in their own biodegradable wrapper.

Ronald MacDonald and Colonel Sanders would do well to copy their example.

Flies

Where do flies go in the winter?

Life After Death

The answer to the question, "is there life after death" can only be answered when I die.

As I intend to live for ever, I don't expect to be able to answer this question.

So far so good!

God

God may well exist, and indeed may be the "first one" in the universe. However, how do we know that God created the universe?

We only have God's word for it, after all.

The Battle of the Sexes

The centuries old battle between men and women, for supremacy, will never be won; the reason being that there has been, and always will be, constant fraternisation between the "enemy" camps.

Food

Some eat to live, I live to eat; it is far more enjoyable.

Religion

A splendid method of exercising political and social control, only impeded by the necessity of including God in the equation.

Love

You don't have to know someone to love them.